Just realized how unfortunately codependent I was in a relationship

[adilaurentis]

Just got out of a relationship of a year and a half about three weeks ago and I've had so much realization and have gotten more calm about it. At first I was in denial and feeling all the pain since we really got along well and were heading toward marriage. But in the end he had to choose between me and his government job. However, I've had a chance to reflect on a lot of things. Don't mean to solicit response from people telling me that it was good that the relationship actually ended, but I was wondering if anyone with knowledge or understanding of codependent relationships would assess my situation as one.

 

I've noticed from very early on that he's a huge mama's boy that 90 percent of the stuff he owns at his apartment was bought and arranged for by his mother. At first I thought it was cool or rare in a way that someone still talks to his parents daily so I didn't think too much of it. However later I realized how strong of a hold his mom had on his life, although he kept saying that he's his own person. He still doesn't really know his shirt or pant sizes because usually his mom would shop for them with him. He has no clue what kind of shampoo or toothpastes he likes/needs. As a 30-year-old man with a stable full time job, he's still sleeping on a mattress, refusing to get a real bed.

 

On top of all this, he's a pretty big slob. He's so used to throwing his clothes and belongings everywhere and his kitchen sink is always filled with dirty dishes until he was basically running out of clean dishes. He does laundry regularly but never puts the clean clothes away until the basket is big full mess. I'm not much a clean freak but I'm very neat so it was pretty hard for me to deal with his habits like that. I had to constantly tell or ask him to tidy things up when he can.

 

Another thing that worried me was that I seriously wondered about his intelligence (not in a mean way). For a while he couldn't figure out what he wanted to do in life. He had so many ideas but kept shooting down each and every one of them due to his perceived lack of skills or confidence. He didn't want to do a masters degree because he sucks at school and he couldn't justify the cost. He went through some trainings that his work requires and failed all the tests at the end. Even his parents said that he basically had no skills and he'd better hold on to what he currently has.

 

In the end I guess I was in a codependent relationship that I was basically replacing his mom's role in his life. No wonder he kept saying how similar I was to his mom and that his parents both liked me a lot. He doesn't have any friends in the area so I was basically all he had besides his parents. He kept saying how I made his life better and made him a better person, etc. He got to meet a lot of my friends and go to some get togethers. Some of my friends have mentioned that his PDA looks like a teenager and he can be a bit immature. Wish I'd listened.

[Redhead14]

Just got out of a relationship of a year and a half about three weeks ago and I've had so much realization and have gotten more calm about it. At first I was in denial and feeling all the pain since we really got along well and were heading toward marriage. But in the end he had to choose between me and his government job. However, I've had a chance to reflect on a lot of things. Don't mean to solicit response from people telling me that it was good that the relationship actually ended, but I was wondering if anyone with knowledge or understanding of codependent relationships would assess my situation as one.

 

I've noticed from very early on that he's a huge mama's boy that 90 percent of the stuff he owns at his apartment was bought and arranged for by his mother. At first I thought it was cool or rare in a way that someone still talks to his parents daily so I didn't think too much of it. However later I realized how strong of a hold his mom had on his life, although he kept saying that he's his own person. He still doesn't really know his shirt or pant sizes because usually his mom would shop for them with him. He has no clue what kind of shampoo or toothpastes he likes/needs. As a 30-year-old man with a stable full time job, he's still sleeping on a mattress, refusing to get a real bed.

 

On top of all this, he's a pretty big slob. He's so used to throwing his clothes and belongings everywhere and his kitchen sink is always filled with dirty dishes until he was basically running out of clean dishes. He does laundry regularly but never puts the clean clothes away until the basket is big full mess. I'm not much a clean freak but I'm very neat so it was pretty hard for me to deal with his habits like that. I had to constantly tell or ask him to tidy things up when he can.

 

Another thing that worried me was that I seriously wondered about his intelligence (not in a mean way). For a while he couldn't figure out what he wanted to do in life. He had so many ideas but kept shooting down each and every one of them due to his perceived lack of skills or confidence. He didn't want to do a masters degree because he sucks at school and he couldn't justify the cost. He went through some trainings that his work requires and failed all the tests at the end. Even his parents said that he basically had no skills and he'd better hold on to what he currently has.

 

In the end I guess I was in a codependent relationship that I was basically replacing his mom's role in his life. No wonder he kept saying how similar I was to his mom and that his parents both liked me a lot. He doesn't have any friends in the area so I was basically all he had besides his parents. He kept saying how I made his life better and made him a better person, etc. He got to meet a lot of my friends and go to some get togethers. Some of my friends have mentioned that his PDA looks like a teenager and he can be a bit immature. Wish I'd listened.

 

You were not in a co-dependent relationship, you were in a parent/child relationship. I'm glad you sent him home to his parents so they can finish the job they started and so far have been unsuccessful at . . .

[adilaurentis]

Also, not to sound sour or anything, but I seriously doubt that he's going to find another girlfriend really soon. I'm sure he will be able to have a lot of random hookups here and there since he's not that bad looking, but to have a meaningful long term relationship, I don't think any woman of quality in this area would be able to put up with him (and his childish ways) like I did. And since he can't move or change jobs, he's basically stuck here and needs someone who's also dead set on staying in this area, which could be rare.

 

Looking back I really don't know why I was in it for that long. We did have a ton of good times together and we complemented each other, but my nurturing ways were clouding my judgment on a lot of these red flags.

[alexfort]

What do you think , would it be a good idea for me to reassure my friend who broke up with his couple? He is so broken after the break-up.

The worst part is that he doesn't know why is it happened with him. He is so sad, doesn't speak with anybody... It is difficult to see him in this condition.

I want him back to normal life so I'm thinking to arrange him a date. I guess I can help him to find his love. Hope that everything will be fine.

 

I have seen a matchmaking website https://thevidaconsultancy.com/ . Has anyone tried this agency ?

Would it be a good idea for me to contact with them? How else can I help my friend?