new to forum, looking for another viewpoint ...

[rightondude]

I joined this forum just now because I met the most amazing girl and don't want to screw things up if at all possible. We met on Bumble and then at a concert. We were into each other immediately. Met up with her the next week, we had sex prior to going out on a date, afterwards, and then the next morning.

 

We had been texting since the concert and prior to this date and she'd been super flirty. After the date, it was just "business as usual texting" ... I know that sounds silly, but it concerned me. We did go out on a second date and I ended up staying over that night as well.

 

We've talked on the phone a good bit every night but I just get the feeling she's not as into me as I am with her. I also happen to be a recently divorced 40 year old with two kids I split custody of, while she's younger, single with no kids. And a lot of guy (and girl) friends. To be honest, my sexual performance was a little sub par; I think because I have a lot of esteem and lack of sex issues from my divorce. I know that. I do think I will get better with time, but it's tough to go from 2 years of my hand to pleasing a woman again. Fortunately I do know that the mouth can make up for what the peen can't make happen. Yikes, I didn't mean to get that graphic.

 

Last night she texted me and told me the night before she'd met up with friends and met up with a "guy she knew from work" and then this morning had played golf at an exclusive country club with said guy and some colleagues. I just said, "wow, sounds like a lot of fun, didn't know you were a golfer..." and she said, "I'm not, but it was fun!"

 

Is she telling me to chill without saying it direct, or what would be my best next move? I really really like her, don't want to smother her, but don't want her to think I'm not serious about her. Then again, I'm probably not the best thing for her at this point. I just don't know.

 

thanks for reading this far.

Edited July 30, 2017 by rightondude

[act00]

You and two kids is a LOT. How old is she? How old are your kids? To be honest, she's probably struggling with whether or not she can deal with a stepmother role and is willing to take on a ready-made family, and she may also be thinking of whether or not she wants children of her own and if you will provide her with that. I mean, it's an awful lot, and I know you've only just started dating, but this is the reality. Dating is "shopping." I'm in my 40's and my children are grown/teens, and the idea of dating someone with a younger child(ren) gives me pause. Do I really want to do this? Again? If they were high school, maybe junior high, okay, but a lot of these men out there, my age, have 2nd and 3rd graders, and I even get men claiming toddlers...definitely not going there. I don't expect a wedding ring within the first few dates, but I also don't know if I want to pursue anyone with young children, especially children who still require a high level of care.

 

And dealing with the ex - any drama there?

 

One thing about good men, is they are involved with their children, and their children/jobs take top priority, as it should be, and with parenting time and children's schedules, I imagine you are very busy, and it could very well be you're unavailable at times, and you're really not into the same social, going out mindset as she. It is what it is. I mean, you take the time, but you also have obligations.

 

My thought is to just let it ride. She's either going to fade out or go in. Just take it one date at a time. If you two are really hitting it off, it's not unreasonable to discuss how she feels about stepkids, future, and what she's thinking. I've had these conversations. It's normal. After two dates, I don't know. May as well rip off the Band-Aid.

 

Recently divorced is a bit of a red flag...with two kids...

[rightondude]

You and two kids is a LOT. How old is she? How old are your kids? To be honest, she's probably struggling with whether or not she can deal with a stepmother role and is willing to take on a ready-made family, and she may also be thinking of whether or not she wants children of her own and if you will provide her with that.

 

She's 31. My kids are 5 and 6. I can't have anymore kids. I know, what a catch!!! Lucky her, right?

 

 

I mean, it's an awful lot, and I know you've only just started dating, but this is the reality. Dating is "shopping." I'm in my 40's and my children are grown/teens, and the idea of dating someone with a younger child(ren) gives me pause. Do I really want to do this? Again? If they were high school, maybe junior high, okay, but a lot of these men out there, my age, have 2nd and 3rd graders, and I even get men claiming toddlers...definitely not going there. I don't expect a wedding ring within the first few dates, but I also don't know if I want to pursue anyone with young children, especially children who still require a high level of care.

 

Completely understood. I feel like my pool of eligible women who will put up with my situation is real, real shallow. Which makes keeping a good one all the more crucial to me.

 

And dealing with the ex - any drama there?

 

Not much yet, but we'll see.

 

One thing about good men, is they are involved with their children, and their children/jobs take top priority, as it should be, and with parenting time and children's schedules, I imagine you are very busy, and it could very well be you're unavailable at times, and you're really not into the same social, going out mindset as she. It is what it is. I mean, you take the time, but you also have obligations.

 

Yep. And it's going to be real tough to keep a girl who deserves being priority #1 when I can only make her priority #2.

 

My thought is to just let it ride. She's either going to fade out or go in. Just take it one date at a time. If you two are really hitting it off, it's not unreasonable to discuss how she feels about stepkids, future, and what she's thinking. I've had these conversations. It's normal. After two dates, I don't know. May as well rip off the Band-Aid.

 

Recently divorced is a bit of a red flag...with two kids...

 

Well, recent as in ~8 months. Guess that's recent. Throw in can't have any more kids, limited availability (because typically if I don't have my kids I'm travelling for business), low esteem (although I really think people have too much self esteem anyway) and it's no surprise I want to save/have a relationship with someone who seems like a godsend.

 

thanks for the response!!

Edited July 30, 2017 by rightondude

[Poutrew]

Last night she texted me and told me the night before she'd met up with friends and met up with a "guy she knew from work" and then this morning had played golf at an exclusive country club with said guy and some colleagues. I just said, "wow, sounds like a lot of fun, didn't know you were a golfer..." and she said, "I'm not, but it was fun!"

 

Is she telling me to chill without saying it direct, or what would be my best next move? I really really like her, don't want to smother her, but don't want her to think I'm not serious about her. Then again, I'm probably not the best thing for her at this point. I just don't know.

 

thanks for reading this far.

 

 

So she brought up the guy from work twice, eh? I smell shyte test.... she wanted to gauge your reaction, and because you refused to take the bait at the first mention she wanted to make sure you heard it so she brought it up again. Your reaction was well played... she can't tell how you truly feel about the fact that she went out on a date with another man - and that is exactly what it was. In chess terms, she tried a gambit, but it didn't work. My gut response to your situation is that you are more invested in the relationship than she is... demote her to FWB status, and make sure you wear protection at all times. You can also try turning the tables on her. Casually mention you went out for some fun with a woman you know from work, or an old female friend, and tell her you are gong to see her again next week... she what she says. My guess is there will be a pregnant pause on the other end of the line and then all hell will break loose You can calmly ask her what the problem is - she can see other men but you aren't allowed to see other females?? Yeah, right...

[Steve51]

An older guy with kids is not very appealing to a young girl with none. Sex does not make or break a relationship if all else is good. She was horny and had sex with you a few times but apparently she realizes the problems of dating an older man with kids and baggage. She might just have wanted to try it as I did when I dated an older woman. Don't expect that some sex and a date or two leads to a relationship. There has to be something more than that. I got engaged to my wife after three weeks. She was a virgin so sex was not the thing that instantly attracted me to her and vice versa.

 

Dating is not the same as it was when you were doing it. Women and men do not want long term relationships until their 30's now. They date people, have fun and move on to the next. Some keep multiple men or women on the hook so they always have someone when they did them. It also sounds like you came on too strong. That can make women back off. Too much, too soon. Women often want what they cannot get so do not be so easy to get.

 

I am 66 and have had all of my friends divorce and get back into the dating scene expecting things to be as they were when they met their spouses. The girls put out on the first date and one used to have sex with two girls on the same weekend day, one after the other. Said he was tired of changing and cleaning his sheets. Eventually they all met women to marry but half met them through online dating services where you can let women know upfront what you are looking for. Good luck and you may find what you want in a woman who cannot have kids or does not want to ruin her body by having her own. Our girlfriend even found a guy online that was OK with her splitting her time between my wife and I, and her husband. You can get whatever you want online.

[staggerlee71]

your over invested!!

I'm sure she ring your bell

[preraph]

She's let you know she is dating around but she still seems to like you. Your age gap is big, but once both people are over 30, depending on what milestones each have hit, it can be close enough in maturity. But of course if she hasn't been married or had kids, you are kind of on different planets. I just would't get overly invested. I'd ask her out as long as she wants to go out but if she starts acting like you're her bestie, then just stop asking her out.

 

There are plenty of women for a 45 year old guy with kids -- and those women are women over 30 who also have kids. You'll have more in common and be more on the same maturity level. Good luck.

[rightondude]

So she brought up the guy from work twice, eh? I smell shyte test.... she wanted to gauge your reaction, and because you refused to take the bait at the first mention she wanted to make sure you heard it so she brought it up again. Your reaction was well played... she can't tell how you truly feel about the fact that she went out on a date with another man - and that is exactly what it was. In chess terms, she tried a gambit, but it didn't work. My gut response to your situation is that you are more invested in the relationship than she is... demote her to FWB status, and make sure you wear protection at all times. You can also try turning the tables on her. Casually mention you went out for some fun with a woman you know from work, or an old female friend, and tell her you are gong to see her again next week... she what she says. My guess is there will be a pregnant pause on the other end of the line and then all hell will break loose You can calmly ask her what the problem is - she can see other men but you aren't allowed to see other females?? Yeah, right...

 

Yeah even though I'm really into her, I know from past times chasing women away that the worst thing you can do is be possessive (too early). This girl's had her own life for 31 years and all of a sudden I can come in and start mandating what she can and can't do? If she wants to be with me she'll be with me; I don't want to do anything to change whatever it is she's seeing in me thus far.

[rightondude]

She's let you know she is dating around but she still seems to like you. Your age gap is big, but once both people are over 30, depending on what milestones each have hit, it can be close enough in maturity. But of course if she hasn't been married or had kids, you are kind of on different planets. I just would't get overly invested. I'd ask her out as long as she wants to go out but if she starts acting like you're her bestie, then just stop asking her out.

 

I think that's the best way to proceed. When we've been together and just enjoying whatever we're doing, things are perfect. It's the honeymoon phase. But real life's gonna get in the way; heck it may already have.

 

There are plenty of women for a 45 year old guy with kids -- and those women are women over 30 who also have kids. You'll have more in common and be more on the same maturity level. Good luck.

 

Feel free to introduce me to any you know It took me awhile to find this one and she just really seems like a keeper.

[mikeylo]

You are just another guy whom she is seeing. Someone who is interested, doesn't bring others in between. Old cliche : she isn't that into you.

[rightondude]

You are just another guy whom she is seeing. Someone who is interested, doesn't bring others in between. Old cliche : she isn't that into you.

 

damn, you really think so? Even after sexing it up 4 times in two dates and talking every night pretty much over the last two weeks? I admit I've been out of "the game" for awhile but if this is how the game goes now...whew.

[Saracena]

Exactly how long ago was the second (and what appears to be the last) date? Did you ask for a third? When exactly did you two first meet?

Edited July 31, 2017 by Saracena

[rightondude]

Exactly how long ago was the second (and what appears to be the last) date? Did you ask for a third? When exactly did you two first meet?

 

We met face to face 3 weekends ago and within 30 minutes were all over each other. Our last date was last week. I asked for a 3rd and it will be tomorrow night.

[rightondude]

an update (I'm sure everyone was on pins and needles! LOL): I went on a 3rd date. It went well, little bit of touching (initiated by her) and heavy kissing at the end. She then asked for a raincheck on sex (she had hurt her neck earlier in the week). No problem; I said I didn't have any expectations and her wellbeing came first obviously. I feel like I should have initiated touch more and I kick myself for not doing so.

 

Anyway, she had a date last night and posted pics of the good times online. She's never done that with me. That seems petty but oh well.

 

I think I'm just going to chill and move on. It was a good learning experience. Coming here has been valuable also.

[bachdude]

Sorry about that, OP.

 

A few thoughts here...

 

Keep in mind that a woman can smell a needy guy 10 miles away. Even in your posts you sound like you are trying to over-please, over-analyze, worry too much, get invested too soon, etc, etc...

 

It's not attractive.

 

You need to get control of yourself, man.

 

If you spend time on this forum, you realize how many people out there will hook up for sex without being invested in the relationship. I know, I know, it was a big surprise to me too. When I was growing up, a kiss meant going steady! haha

 

Anyway, you need to get perspective here. Be yourself but have a different attitude. You really didn't know this woman from Eve. She may have turned out to be a horrible step mother for your kids. Think on that a while. You need to be more careful with the women you date, if not for yourself for your own kids' sake.

 

So take your enthusiasm down a notch to match whomever you are dating. In fact, make it lower. You have more at stake here. The confidence of seeing yourself as a worthy catch indeed will be picked up by the ever powerful radar of female intuition and it is far more attractive than Mr. needy-divorced-guy (sorry if that sounded harsh - just trying to help).

 

Good luck, bro.

Edited August 4, 2017 by bachdude

[GemmaUK]

You come over quite needy on here - rule of thumb therefore:

 

Don't date anyone much younger.

Don't date multi-daters

Don't date long distance.

Too much contact between dates can be stifling and a huge turn off - chill out - just do your usual thing a bit more when dating.

[smackie9]

Some times things start out with a bang, and then the hangover comes....she probably stopped and thought about what she was doing, then sorted out what she really needs/wants,..... decided this isn't such a great idea to get too involved.

[rightondude]

thanks for the input. Not sure how I came across as needy given the info I've supplied; mind sharing? I haven't pressed for anything serious nor smothered her with attention.

[Haroldmiz]

Регистрация https://goo.gl/db6Lry до 100 000 рублей в подарок за регистрацию! Вы уже, наверняка, слышали о виртуальном игровом сервисе Джойказино, который успел привлечь внимание миллионов людей со всего мира. И не просто так, потому что Джойказино – это действительно стоящий и выгодный выбор для всех, кто любит азарт, риск и хорошие денежные призы.

[coolheadal]

She was turned on to you in the beginning! Then she mentions another guy she's into. She can see whoever she wants. You just have to get over that fact. You can setup your game play too. Show her what you made of what you can offer her. Why are you a better catch to this other guy. That's what you have to do build up your ego and go for it. Otherwise he'll jump in his arms instead of yours.

 

So she's single never married and doesn't have kids yet and your not your divorce with two kids and you can't have anymore. Did you get yourself fix. So you can't give her kids if she wants them. That's how you'll loose her. It's not fair for her to raise someone else's kids. She might not be ready for such a task. That is why you should go after other women who been married/divorce and have kids too. You would do better with them.

 

Just have to see here you are at with this girl. See which way it goes. What can you do see the above..

[act00]

I'm going to agree, you're going to have to seek women who don't want kids. In the profile, this should be stated, has kids, kids are grown, doesn't want kids, or undetermined if they want more. Your search criteria should include "doesn't want kids." "Undecided" is okay too, but bring up the topic right away. If you meet someone who doesn't have kids and doesn't want kids, if you contact them, you should be asking them how they feel about you having kids. And your kids are really young. I mean, we're talking kindergarten.

 

I think in those first texts, it's a good way to vet out who has the potential for a future. Just be clear. There's no point in meeting if someone does not want to deal with young children or doesn't want children and doesn't have any, etc. If someone is undecided on more children, you need to be clear that you do not want more, and this situation is permanent. There really is no point in dancing around the subject on this. That's what the text before meeting is for. You're not just shopping for you, you're shopping for your babies, and their mom is definitely going to take issue if you're choosing women who are partiers and not really (step)mother material...your kids will tell her stuff.

 

If your goal is to play, don't mix the girlfriend into your children's lives, and don't get invested in someone who ultimately won't work out long term.

 

Between your work travel and your children/family, it's not going to be easy for you, especially if the few down days you have require you to give all your attention to the girlfriend when you really just want to relax and do nothing. Women you date may not be happy with the very limited time you have and will seek someone who's actually around. Top this off with potential future in that they will be the "single mom" while you're off on your business trips. They may not want to sign up for that. Just keep that in mind. It might take awhile to find "the one."

 

So this woman posted pictures of her and her date online. Time to move on. Sorry.