[UPDATED] Guy went cold/lost interest unexpectedly. Any shot of him coming back?

July 18, 2017

Hello. I met a guy who is the manager of this place I go. He's quiet/introverted guy: He is guitarist in a small band and he invited me to come to his show. He said I could bring friends, so I brought a gf but when I got there I felt uncomfortable because I really wanted to just hang with him not his entire band and all his friends. When they got done playing I left and immediately that I did show up for his set, but I had to leave early. He said "ahhh you didn't stay?!" The next day I texted "yeah I had to go meet up with some friends and tbh I was a little intimidated."

He said ." Lol ohh that's fair! And I knew a lot of those people so that probably would have made it more intimidating. Well when are we gonna meet up again?! "

" We continued to text and the texts a lot. Like very detailed text walls and I'm not into that. I didn't message him back for a day. When I messaged him again, he answered right away and we had another good convo and tried to set up a day to meet. I suggested Monday and he said he's typically free, in fact he is taking vacation this week and going to work on parts of his record with his dad. We talked more and he asked me if I had Instagram. Unfortunately, I did not respond with my Instagram until Sunday night, over a day later.

He never said anything back. He ghosted all day yesterday. I asked him this morning if he would be interested in getting drinks? Nothing. Then I said "did I do something wrong?��"

He responded about 20 min later:

Him: Hey! Sorry, I've been kind of busy the last couple days and haven't really been on my phone much. You didn't do anything wrong, but I am unfortunately not free today :/.

Me: Hi! Np �� would you still be interested in hanging out sometime?

Him: Yeah at some point! I've kind of hit that point in my week where my nights are all spoken ( )for for band practice and I'm meeting today with the drummer of the band you saw to work on t-shirt designs for my other band today before hand. And then I'm going back home to Xxxxxxx for family and recording time this weekend. Maybe sometime next week?

Me: oh neat. Yeah maybe that will work. Have a great week!!!

Him: You too!

Yeah there's no way he can't find a single moment for me in a week and he also never acknowledged my Instagram or added me.

I'm really confused about why he went so cold so fast in a 1 1/2 day, but I guess maybe it's not my fault, life happens, lose interest, you meet others etc. However, now I've played myself because he's able to string me along at least another week

I have this policy not to take ghosts back because it screams immature and they will do it again. I'm wondering if I should just keep him in my contacts/give him benefit of the doubt for the week to see if he comes back around? Or once they lose interest just cut your losses and move on? I do like him and am curious to actually have a date with him and tbh if I'm bored one day, why not? However I don't wanna be an annoyance to him. Should l just reach out sometime next week? Or just let him get back if he still wants to? He has said he's free mon nights Friday nights and weekends if there isn't a show.

If I don't see him again I won't lose sleep, but I'd like to, it's just these loose ends that nag my brain!!!If you're not interested in seeing me again that's cool just don't leave a chick hanging ��

Thanks for reading and/or advising.

Edited July 18, 2017 by Cookiesandough

July 18, 2017

Keep moving on girl. IMO if a guy doesn't jump at the chance to get together, dump the chump.

July 18, 2017

The discomfort you feel is the urge for resolve and control over the situation.

The ball is in his court atm, which makes you feel out of control, and you're probably feeling a bit rejected.

Give yourself closure NOW.

There is no need to wait around for this guy until next week, and don't let it bug you that he THINKS you are waiting around for him.

Because you're not actually going to.

Decide that this guy is not into you enough for you.

If he does get in touch with you next week, already decide that you have moved on and won't bother with guys who are lukewarm.

July 18, 2017

Keep moving on girl. IMO if a guy doesn't jump at the chance to get together, dump the chump.

The discomfort you feel is the urge for resolve and control over the situation.
The ball is in his court atm, which makes you feel out of control, and you're probably feeling a bit rejected.

Give yourself closure NOW.
There is no need to wait around for this guy until next week, and don't let it bug you that he THINKS you are waiting around for him.
Because you're not actually going to.

Decide that this guy is not into you enough for you.
If he does get in touch with you next week, already decide that you have moved on and won't bother with guys who are lukewarm.

Thank you so much!! Yeah it's really bugging my brain bc I want a resolution, exactly!!!

I am not dating now and didn't really have plans to but this guy wanted to meet up so I thought if I'm bored one day it might be fun, why close the door if he can come back but I don't want to keep waiting around getting rejected by someone who is not interested!

It's complicated by the fact that I skipped out on meeting him when I was supposed to and took a day and then a day and half to reply to his messages so I feel like I did something wrong . I don't know

I will just delete his number and reject any more advances in the rare event they occur. Thank you so much again

July 18, 2017

Thank you so much!! Yeah it's really bugging my brain bc I want a resolution, exactly!!!

I am not dating now and didn't really have plans to but this guy wanted to meet up so I thought if I'm bored one day it might be fun, why close the door if he can come back but I don't want to keep waiting around getting rejected by someone who is not interested!

It's complicated by the fact that I skipped out on meeting him when I was supposed to and took a day and then a day and half to reply to his messages so I feel like I did something wrong . I don't know

I will just delete his number and reject any more advances in the rare event they occur. Thank you so much again

I think if he were really interested he would be setting up a date with you, not trying to have long chats via text or inviting you to shows.

I don't think you've missed out on anything here!

July 18, 2017

I think if he were really interested he would be setting up a date with you, not trying to have long chats via text or inviting you to shows.

I don't think you've missed out on anything here!

He did try to set up a date with me for Saturday and asked me what I wanted to do and I never got back to him.>.< so he asked me to the show Friday. Then on the next morning he asked when we could meet again, and I told him (lie) I would be out of town all day but wouldn't give details when he asked because it was a bald faced lie

I just didn't feel like going out that day

Then I didn't respond to his question until Sunday night.

Is it unreasonable I feel I messed up a bit or that shouldn't have deterred him?

July 18, 2017

He did try to set up a date with me for Saturday and asked me what I wanted to do and I never got back to him.>.< so he asked me to the show Friday. Then on the next morning he asked when we could meet again, and I told him (lie) I would be out of town all day but wouldn't give details when he asked because it was a bald faced lie

I just didn't feel like going out that day

Then I didn't respond to his question until Sunday night.

Is it unreasonable I feel I messed up a bit or that shouldn't have deterred him?

You pulled away, he pulled away. Seems like a reasonable response.

July 18, 2017

He did try to set up a date with me for Saturday and asked me what I wanted to do and I never got back to him.>.< so he asked me to the show Friday. Then on the next morning he asked when we could meet again, and I told him (lie) I would be out of town all day but wouldn't give details when he asked because it was a bald faced lie

I just didn't feel like going out that day

Then I didn't respond to his question until Sunday night.

Is it unreasonable I feel I messed up a bit or that shouldn't have deterred him?

This info would have been important in the opening post.

Yes, I believe you shot yourself in the foot.

He probably got tired of chasing you and couldn't tell you were interested.

And now you've only shown to put effort in when he doesn't respond.

This isn't exactly a recipe for a reciprocal relationship, but a push-pull dynamic (if he were to come around again and you pull away again).

July 18, 2017

Hello. I met a guy who is the manager of this place I go. He's quiet/introverted guy: He is guitarist in a small band and he invited me to come to his show. He said I could bring friends, so I brought a gf but when I got there I felt uncomfortable because I really wanted to just hang with him not his entire band and all his friends. When they got done playing I left and immediately that I did show up for his set, but I had to leave early. He said "ahhh you didn't stay?!" The next day I texted "yeah I had to go meet up with some friends and tbh I was a little intimidated."

He said ." Lol ohh that's fair! And I knew a lot of those people so that probably would have made it more intimidating. Well when are we gonna meet up again?! "

" We continued to text and the texts a lot. Like very detailed text walls and I'm not into that. I didn't message him back for a day. When I messaged him again, he answered right away and we had another good convo and tried to set up a day to meet. I suggested Monday and he said he's typically free, in fact he is taking vacation this week and going to work on parts of his record with his dad. We talked more and he asked me if I had Instagram. Unfortunately, I did not respond with my Instagram until Sunday night, over a day later.

He never said anything back. He ghosted all day yesterday. I asked him this morning if he would be interested in getting drinks? Nothing. Then I said "did I do something wrong?��"

He responded about 20 min later:

Him: Hey! Sorry, I've been kind of busy the last couple days and haven't really been on my phone much. You didn't do anything wrong, but I am unfortunately not free today :/.

Me: Hi! Np �� would you still be interested in hanging out sometime?

Him: Yeah at some point! I've kind of hit that point in my week where my nights are all spoken ( )for for band practice and I'm meeting today with the drummer of the band you saw to work on t-shirt designs for my other band today before hand. And then I'm going back home to Xxxxxxx for family and recording time this weekend. Maybe sometime next week?

Me: oh neat. Yeah maybe that will work. Have a great week!!!

Him: You too!

Yeah there's no way he can't find a single moment for me in a week and he also never acknowledged my Instagram or added me.
I'm really confused about why he went so cold so fast in a 1 1/2 day, but I guess maybe it's not my fault, life happens, lose interest, you meet others etc. However, now I've played myself because he's able to string me along at least another week

I have this policy not to take ghosts back because it screams immature and they will do it again. I'm wondering if I should just keep him in my contacts/give him benefit of the doubt for the week to see if he comes back around? Or once they lose interest just cut your losses and move on? I do like him and am curious to actually have a date with him and tbh if I'm bored one day, why not? However I don't wanna be an annoyance to him. Should l just reach out sometime next week? Or just let him get back if he still wants to? He has said he's free mon nights Friday nights and weekends if there isn't a show.

If I don't see him again I won't lose sleep, but I'd like to, it's just these loose ends that nag my brain!!!If you're not interested in seeing me again that's cool just don't leave a chick hanging ��

Thanks for reading and/or advising.

I did not respond with my Instagram until Sunday night, over a day later. -- I wonder if he was doing all the "why isn't she answering me" mind stuff because he didn't get an answer for a whole day?"

Leave this to him. Let him contact you again. He knows you are interested and want to see him again. Let him show you what his interest level really is.

July 18, 2017

I would just give it time and let it play out. You pulled away a bit, so it's understandable. So you didn't get back to him right away/respond to him very soon. Oh well. That's life. If a guy is really into you that shouldn't deter him, IMO.

July 18, 2017

Thx all!! I blocked/deleted and moving on. Ain't nobody got time for that.

July 18, 2017

Ahh the dating dance.

Listen, even if you pulled away initially, most men, if they're seriously into you, won't let something like that stop them from trying again and again until she hits him over the head with a frying pan telling him otherwise.

And if he's one of these men who becomes disheartened so quickly, then that should tell you what you're in for with this guy. He will be a challenge because it will all feel like an endless game of push and pull.

Stop beating yourself up about what you think you did wrong. You've made it clear you're still interested so the ball is in his court. Let it sit with him while you keep your options open.

Good luck.

July 18, 2017

Oops double post.

July 18, 2017

When they got done playing I left
I didn't message him back for a day.
I did not respond with my Instagram until Sunday night, over a day later.
Yeah there's no way he can't find a single moment for me in a week .
He did try to set up a date with me for Saturday and asked me what I wanted to do and I never got back to him
I told him (lie) I would be out of town all day but wouldn't give details when he asked because it was a bald faced lie

??? You played games and got burned by your pride.

This isn't ghosting. Ghosting happens when you both equally have invested weeks/months into a relationship and one of the two of you just vaporizes with no notice.

You barely know this guy and really, there is nothing here to indicate that you had any real interest in him. You ignored him and he took the hint.

Having been in bands in my younger years, I can attest that yeah... it is one's side grind and a lot of time spent practicing, writing new material/collaborating, doing promotion, booking gigs, recording, etc go into it. If you're not well established, then during the week is when most venues will let you book in and not require you have a ton of butts in the seats so you can collect on the door and get paid or doing open mikes as a way of promoting upcoming shows. So he's not jerking you around when he said his week is now filled up by the time you decided you wanted to deal with him. He gave you a time and you lunched on it, so he moved on with his grind.

He can't string you along if you don't allow yourself to be strung along. Your tactic backfired on you--this is nothing more than hurt pride.

You don't sound like you have sufficient interest in him--just sufficient resentment, which came about because of unrealistic expectations which constructed this resentment.

July 18, 2017

I have to say, something sticks out to me about your dating style from your various threads.

I know you've taken a lot of flack in the past, so hopefully I'm saying something new and constructive here.

I think your self-esteem is really low.

So you subconsciously think that there is something wrong with a guy if he is into you.

It turns you off.

You only want them really bad when they don't want you anymore.

I think that is what has happened here.

This is going to continue to plague you until you can get a handle on your self-esteem / relationship with yourself.

You're not going to be attracted to guys who show healthy interest.

You're going to push them away and then chase after them when they run away.

This creates dysfunction because they will not trust or respect you, and learn that treating you bad keeps you interested.

Thus, there is no real intimacy or connection.

Just push-pull garbage and highs and lows.

July 18, 2017

??? You played games and got burned by your pride.

This isn't ghosting. Ghosting happens when you both equally have invested weeks/months into a relationship and one of the two of you just vaporizes with no notice.

You barely know this guy and really, there is nothing here to indicate that you had any real interest in him. You ignored him and he took the hint.

Having been in bands in my younger years, I can attest that yeah... it is one's side grind and a lot of time spent practicing, writing new material/collaborating, doing promotion, booking gigs, recording, etc go into it. If you're not well established, then during the week is when most venues will let you book in and not require you have a ton of butts in the seats so you can collect on the door and get paid or doing open mikes as a way of promoting upcoming shows. So he's not jerking you around when he said his week is now filled up by the time you decided you wanted to deal with him. He gave you a time and you lunched on it, so he moved on with his grind.

He can't string you along if you don't allow yourself to be strung along. Your tactic backfired on you--this is nothing more than hurt pride.

You don't sound like you have sufficient interest in him--just sufficient resentment, which came about because of unrealistic expectations which constructed this resentment.

Yeah you're 100% right...I guess it did.

I really don't like relying on text messaging other than to communicate succinct, necessary info quickly. I just can't deal with back and forth convos. It has to end somewhere.

And he could really still be busy because from allllllll the damn info he gave me. Apparently he works, but he's playing in some band and has some other one that is his main and they're going into the studio soon, so I'm sure he is busy.

The reason I feel strung along is that I only "talk"/flirt with one guy at a time. I don't like talking /flirting with different guys in my phone at once so once I see potential going somewhere with one I focus on that one. If they aren't into it I'd like to know as soon as they know, but of course that rarely happens, so have to rely on other indicators.

I didn't feel like meeting Saturday and I didn't know for 100% until Sunday I wanted to see him Monday either. I think we both just weren't into each other enough... OH WELL

Thank you

July 18, 2017

I have to say, something sticks out to me about your dating style from your various threads.

I know you've taken a lot of flack in the past, so hopefully I'm saying something new and constructive here.

I think your self-esteem is really low.
So you subconsciously think that there is something wrong with a guy if he is into you.
It turns you off.
You only want them really bad when they don't want you anymore.

I think that is what has happened here.

This is going to continue to plague you until you can get a handle on your self-esteem / relationship with yourself.
You're not going to be attracted to guys who show healthy interest.
You're going to push them away and then chase after them when they run away.
This creates dysfunction because they will not trust or respect you, and learn that treating you bad keeps you interested.
Thus, there is no real intimacy or connection.
Just push-pull garbage and highs and lows.

I think you are absolutely right. When they are ambivalent it makes me sooo into them. I almost obsess. I've noticed that too:( I lose attraction as soon as I know they are interested again if it happens. Almost repulsion. Ugh

I could never figure out why

July 18, 2017

I actually think he's doing the right thing. You've probably pissed him off. You've said yourself that you aren't bothered, and it shows.

He invites you out, and you leave abruptly. You explained it honestly, fair enough. He seemed cool with that.

You "ghost" him for a day later that week. Then you do the same again.

3 strikes. Next.

Be better if you want better.

July 18, 2017

I'd give him another chance if he contacts you in the next week to set up a date. My boyfriend's in a band and there are times when he's super busy with both work and practice for a show so I don't see anything unreasonable about this guy's behavior.

July 18, 2017

Thx all!! I blocked/deleted and moving on. Ain't nobody got time for that.

I've still got to read the rest of the thread. Idk, but I think this is a mistake. How can you not see that you wanted him to respond positively to everything you did (even when you showed signs of disinterest) and wanted to get an immediate resolution to whatever uncomfortable feeling when you were feeling dissed? I think half of what's going on is in your head. And it is unrealistic expectations to all of a sudden expect him to make you a priority. IMO, you didn't have enough info from his end yet and your reaction was extreme. Also highly wouldn't recommend asking if "you did something wrong when you don't get a quick enough text reply" in the future with any guy. I think you are swinging wildly between between two extremes with your dating behavior with this guy. Sure, he could have lost interest--maybe bc you seemed kinda eh about his show & meeting his friends etc and taking a long time to reply to him first. It seems like you have a lot of "rules". That's not helpful.

He may be an idiot, not interested or whatever. But you are better than this! Keep your side of the street clean and you will have a better idea of what's really going on with someone & usually better results with people. You gotta have more inner conviction that "why wouldn't he like me"; "yes he truly must be busy or possibly slightly hurt from my previous actions". What a shame if you miss out on a great guy for some misunderstanding or something so insignificant. Anyway, still wish you good luck

July 18, 2017

Well, yeah.

This is what happens when you play games, OP.

July 18, 2017

I think you need to be more consistent with this guy if you want him to be consistent with you. Neither of you should be leaving long gaps between replies. You don't like texting much and that might be his style, so if your texting gets minimal and his isn't, he may interpret that as lack of interest.

So far, you seem to have been erratic - interested one minute, then uncommunicative for a day. It is not surprising he is just booking things up with his band. He has no clue where he is with you. I don't think you should be chasing him but responding positively will encourage him.

My son is in bands too. One day he is free, then the next day he has two bookings looming, rehearsals, and music to arrange and learn. He could be telling you the truth that his schedule is filling up, but there might be an element of not wanting to hang around for you because your erratic behaviour is making him anxious.

July 18, 2017

he over looked your first not answering for a day , and he was very good about you leaving early but on the second time though he figured out your messing him around and thinks to hell with her he's already done and lost it.

Sp the rest from there on was neither here nor there for him.

Just leave it . lf he contacts you again he does if he doesn't he doesn't.

Edited July 18, 2017 by Chilli

July 18, 2017

You have a very distinct pattern with your dating. Are you aware of it?

July 18, 2017

no what do you mean.

I know something is wrong. Dating shouldn't be so hard.

It's why I stopped dating for awhile. I'm going to start up again but it's just so stressful

thank you for your replies

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[UPDATED] Guy went cold/lost interest unexpectedly. Any shot of him coming back?

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