Johnj92 Posted June 2, 2017 Posted June 2, 2017 (edited) I met this girl in an acting class about 3 months ago. After second class we started texting on and off for like 2 weeks before she asked me out on a date. We have been on 5 dates now and have been talking almost everyday for past month and a half. She lives 2 hours away. She also says she doesn't want to be exclusive and wants to take things slow, but then also says she really really likes me and wants me to be her boyfriend in the near future. Before we started to date she went on a couple dates with this other guy before me. A week and a half ago I asked her if they were still hanging out and she said only once in a while and it's just getting drinks as friends and talking, nothing more. ( I had a gut feeling she was lying) So yesterday when she went to the bathroom I quick looked at her recent texts with the guy and 5 days ago she texted him "last night I was so wet I couldn't help but finger myself thinking about your huge cock" and he replied "good I'm glad I make you wet just thinking of me" she replied "im getting wet right now thinking of you again ahhhhh". That made me so angry and shocked and sad. I don't know what to do. I'm more of a guy who puts his eggs in one basket and see what happens from there. I don't think it's right to juggle around multiple people at once. She says she really wants to date me but just not yet and after seeing these texts idk how I feel or what to do anymore since I really really liked her. Edited June 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
ScienceGal Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 She told you that she didn't want to be exclusive, but it sounds like you were hoping she'd come around. I can see how this would be an emotional punch to the gut since she failed to tell you she was being sexual (even if just sexting) with someone else. If you want more (commitment), be honest and ask for it. But be ready for her to walk.. it doesn't sound like she's ready. You deserve someone who "puts all her eggs in one basket" too. 2
Author Johnj92 Posted June 3, 2017 Author Posted June 3, 2017 Yeah were both 23 and I know she has every right to be doing this since were not exclusive. Also I do know that they are hooking up sexually since I also read a different text asking him how his right ball was feeling after last night (very weird question hahaha). I feel really weird like Im getting this guys sloppy seconds so to say and I don't know what to do. It sucks. She says she wants to date but says she needs more time and she doesn't want to be exclusive till we are officially dating, which makes me feel like she still wants this other guy around. I think they might be friends with benefits.
Author Johnj92 Posted June 3, 2017 Author Posted June 3, 2017 No. She told me she won't have sex until marriage but promised me that if we dated she would wait 2 years which is very strange. We have done things sexually except oral and she says she doesn't give hand jobs, only blowjobs. I know 100% she been engaging orally with this other guy.
ScienceGal Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Well, then I think you have the answer to your post title question. I don't see how this ends well for you. 1
Author Johnj92 Posted June 3, 2017 Author Posted June 3, 2017 Ok thank you. When she told me that we shouldn't be exclusive we got into a discussion of how dating is these days. She was telling me that people today and our in our age group date multiple people at once. I told her I thought usually people date others one at a time and see if things go from there, if it goes good they continue and if not then you know its not meant to be and move on to the next person or whatever. Is it weird for me to put all my eggs in one basket at a time and see what happens from there or should i try and date multiple people at once?
ScienceGal Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 It's not weird to want to date one person at a time. That's pretty much all I've ever done. Either I felt a connection, or I didn't and moved on. And I've had guys who weren't into me move on too. The reality is, the sooner you figure it out, the better because you can open yourself up to meeting someone who is compatible. Her generalizing that all people in your age group multidate is BS. It sounds like she's trying to justify her behavior. I think you should move on. I promise you there are women your age who want to date only one guy at a time. 1
Bastile Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Ok thank you. When she told me that we shouldn't be exclusive we got into a discussion of how dating is these days. She was telling me that people today and our in our age group date multiple people at once. I told her I thought usually people date others one at a time and see if things go from there, if it goes good they continue and if not then you know its not meant to be and move on to the next person or whatever. Is it weird for me to put all my eggs in one basket at a time and see what happens from there or should i try and date multiple people at once? I can only speak for my own experience as I've developed as a man. There are loads of equally valid ways of looking at that. You are mid 20's, right? I've just entered my 30's. I did the one at a time thing too with regards to cultivating my early exclusive relationships. One night stands, or the occasional sex at parties were different. But, those were random, and if I was having regular sex with anyone, then they were automatically my girlfriend. The problem with that is you don't get to experience much of life. I didn't know what I truly wanted. I didn't really understand my boundaries, or much of anything. It's quite obvious that you are very naive with regards to relationships. And you could easily have ended up in a very very bad one here. What you had here was a relationship of utility. Your boundaries were poor, and you were getting dragged into something that you didn't understand. The next step for me was to have only relationships of lust and passion, a period of experimentation and understanding. I'm now personally at the point where I consider myself able to develop much better relationships heading forward from a position of being something far more positive, and bringing the best out of each other. I'm still trying to improve all the time. See it as a journey, rather than a destination. And as a big part of the maturing process. For example, there are things to learn here, don't you think? What might those be? (I could say what I think, but that would not be the real point). If you were dating 3 girls at this moment, how much more do you think you would learn? And you are going to settle down, when? Might not be ever, that's up to you. But I think it's worth actually having a real think about these things. Because otherwise, other people will make these decisions for you. Such as this girl making the decision that you will wait months to be exclusive with her, and wait years to have sex with her.... where did that fit in to your own standards? 2
MountainGirl111 Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 (edited) Whether you decide to keep dating this girl or not, she is currently showing you what kind of morals she has. I don't care what she SAYS about waiting, etc...Let me suggest it's not the fact that she is not exclusive to you at this point, but it's the fact that perhaps you don't like the way in which she is "engaging" with this other guy. You don't care for her behavior. And while no, it's not so great to snoop into someone else's phone, you DID find out the truth. Sure, you really really liked her....probably cuz she's cute and sexy and you've had a good time so far...but let the facts speak for their selves. Don't allow yourself to go against your OWN morals, whatever they may be. Know yourself. Know what you do and do not want in another person and be true to that. If what you found in her phone screams, "Wrong!" to you, listen to that. Edited June 3, 2017 by MountainGirl111
MountainGirl111 Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 O. Is it weird for me to put all my eggs in one basket at a time and see what happens from there or should i try and date multiple people at once? If you are a "one basket" guy you're a one basket guy. There's nothing wrong with that. And it's not wierd. Not all "baskets" are equal. Some are better than others; built better; made of better stuff and just put to together better. She is showing you what kind of 'basket' she is. Or maybe she just isn't the 'basket' for you. She says one thing to you, but is behaving a completely different way with someone else. And no, maybe she hasn't actually had physical sex with him, but if she has sexted him like that she's just as good as gone and done it, in a sense. At the minimum she has shown herself to have a bad case of potty mouth. Be careful what kind of basket you put all your eggs in. 1
LargoLagg Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 I have a stupid question. Why don't you just start banging her instead of thinking of her as your girlfriend? Why don't you just start thinking about her as ONE of your girlfriends? You know she's into the sex and dirty texting... what's the problem? My advice is try to date multiple people at one time. Get a couple more girls to go out with you... you'd be amazed at how dating two other girls makes the other one seem pretty ordinary. Then what you do is you decide is the least desirable of the three, and you replace her. Then you decide who is the least desirable of the latest three and you replace her too, and you keep doing that until what happens is that they are irreplaceable. By that time, you will have gone out with at least a dozen of the nicest women you can imagine, and the whole time, you'll have been knocking' the bottom out of whoever your post is about. I used to be a one-woman guy... until I tried what I've just suggested. It took about 14 years to become a one-woman guy again, and I wasn't tempted for another 25 years. Mainly, because I understood what my choices were. Just give it an honest shot. If you don't like it, you can always go back to serial dating.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 I think she is a bold faced liar, and certainly not girlfriend material. "Waiting for marriage" yet sending sexually explicit texts to a guy she isn't even in a relationship with.. yeah right! Also, she has completely played down her interactions with him, and you have seen the proof with your own eyes. She may be lying by omission, but it is still lying. Does that not strike you as really shady behavior? I predict that if you continue to date her and become exclusive, you will be back her in a couple of months upset that she has been cheating the whole time. I know it sucks that you like her, but in some ways you were lucky to find out how she operates before things became more serious. 4
Chilli Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Your joking right ? Or do you like being second choice if she can't find anyone better and her back up bf.
Bearded Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 Lol; I think this boils down to personal preference of who and how you want to see, date and ultimately get together with. IMO personal and very demanding preferences concerning wanting to be with someone exclusively... and, how can I say this nicely, with a good girl, lol... I would stay far away from this one. But I guess dating these days with u youngsters might be different. I'd pass, fast and now.... don't wanna catch his sloppy seconds either, right? Just my 2 cents. Paul 1
Superchicken Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 John, Don't get serious with her. Have your fun, but don't get attached. If you find someone else, then just don't see her anymore, and concentrate on your new squeeze. But at the moment, you have a "Open Bar" on sex, and enjoy it for just that. There's nothing wrong with it, as that's what she wants in the first place. However, don't get attached. Speaking of attach, WEAR A RUBBER !. Because, your health is most important. Dude, just go to town on her, as she definitely looks to enjoy that sort of thing. Lastly, don't wait around for her calls. Go out with your mates, and enjoy the time in between. Ted.
Author Johnj92 Posted June 3, 2017 Author Posted June 3, 2017 Whether you decide to keep dating this girl or not, she is currently showing you what kind of morals she has. I don't care what she SAYS about waiting, etc...Let me suggest it's not the fact that she is not exclusive to you at this point, but it's the fact that perhaps you don't like the way in which she is "engaging" with this other guy. You don't care for her behavior. And while no, it's not so great to snoop into someone else's phone, you DID find out the truth. Sure, you really really liked her....probably cuz she's cute and sexy and you've had a good time so far...but let the facts speak for their selves. Don't allow yourself to go against your OWN morals, whatever they may be. Know yourself. Know what you do and do not want in another person and be true to that. If what you found in her phone screams, "Wrong!" to you, listen to that. Yeah our personalities really clicked and we both have a lot in common which sucks. I agree with what you are saying and I need to stick to my morals no matter what. My gut told me she was lying which lead me to checking her phone and now my gut says I should end it with her. I just feel bad cause it seems like she really really likes me too and she had a lot of family issues and problems growing up. She also said that she has been depressed for a long time and that she hasn't been this happy in a long long time since meeting me. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Author Johnj92 Posted June 3, 2017 Author Posted June 3, 2017 John, Don't get serious with her. Have your fun, but don't get attached. If you find someone else, then just don't see her anymore, and concentrate on your new squeeze. But at the moment, you have a "Open Bar" on sex, and enjoy it for just that. There's nothing wrong with it, as that's what she wants in the first place. However, don't get attached. Speaking of attach, WEAR A RUBBER !. Because, your health is most important. Dude, just go to town on her, as she definitely looks to enjoy that sort of thing. Lastly, don't wait around for her calls. Go out with your mates, and enjoy the time in between. Ted. She's a virigin. She is waiting till marriage but told me that if we started dating she would wait 2 years. Waiting 2 years for me is something I can't do and a red flag for me.
Author Johnj92 Posted June 3, 2017 Author Posted June 3, 2017 Lol; I think this boils down to personal preference of who and how you want to see, date and ultimately get together with. IMO personal and very demanding preferences concerning wanting to be with someone exclusively... and, how can I say this nicely, with a good girl, lol... I would stay far away from this one. But I guess dating these days with u youngsters might be different. I'd pass, fast and now.... don't wanna catch his sloppy seconds either, right? Just my 2 cents. Paul Yeah thats what I'm saying. I know they're not having sex but it feels weird to me knowing she has been sending these dirty messages to him and engaging in sexual activity with him, while she's told me she is taking me seriously dating wise. I don't want this guys sloppy seconds and I've lost a lot of attraction for her. I don't think she's a slut but it seems very sleazy to me.
todreaminblue Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 what im gathering is she is not into sex with you from your post....she wants to wait till marriage aka..... have sex with the other guy she is seeing and not you...you know it would be possibly alright if she was clean with you from the beginning and said hey i'm having sex and sexting this other guy i am not into commitment and i am not interested in a sexual relationship with you unless we were married..(sounds hard to say huh)because truth is often harder to say but the easiest to remember... ..and so more fair to the other person...... she isnt truthful and whether or not you can deal with her having sex with another until you were exclusive..how would you ever know she was truthful about that fact......i would say goodbye and leave her be sucking on some guys right ball i have this impression that is why she was asking about a right ball recovery(who wants to kiss a potential girlfriend who sucks some other guys balls).... find a truthful woman more on your wavelength.....and i wish you well....deb
Author Johnj92 Posted June 3, 2017 Author Posted June 3, 2017 Am I in the wrong for not liking her dirty texting and hooking up with him even though we aren't exclusive? We have been on 5 dates and have been talking/dating for past month and a half. She went on a date with this other guy a week before our first date but has continued to still hang with him and dirty text him as we continued to date past month and a half. It just doesn't sit well with me knowing she has been hooking up and dirty texting him while dating me seriously and not taking this other guy seriously. She does dirty text me a lot but now it feels like its meaningless and that she never meant a dirty text she sent to me. Is it ok to not want to date someone for those reasons? 1
todreaminblue Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 (edited) Am I in the wrong for not liking her dirty texting and hooking up with him even though we aren't exclusive? We have been on 5 dates and have been talking/dating for past month and a half. She went on a date with this other guy a week before our first date but has continued to still hang with him and dirty text him as we continued to date past month and a half. It just doesn't sit well with me knowing she has been hooking up and dirty texting him while dating me seriously and not taking this other guy seriously. She does dirty text me a lot but now it feels like its meaningless and that she never meant a dirty text she sent to me. Is it ok to not want to date someone for those reasons? no you arent in the wrong at all no way shape or form are you wrong.....if it were before she started dating you it would be different..and she had chosen to like you have to date one at a time and had let the other guy go........but she isnt being truthful she is having sex with another and telling you she wants till wait till marriage...can you see that as the issue as well?...not only that she is dirty texting another guy while with you...but that she has outright said she wants to wait till marriage to have sex and that she sees a future with you as bf gf..yet she is having sex with someone else..........deb. Edited June 3, 2017 by todreaminblue
elaine567 Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 I just feel bad cause it seems like she really really likes me too and she had a lot of family issues and problems growing up. She also said that she has been depressed for a long time and that she hasn't been this happy in a long long time since meeting me. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. This is a reason to go, not to stay. Keep away from people with "issues" and "depression" and the ones who need "saving". They, as you have found with this girl, often do not play by the rules, their view of normality is skewed, they suck you in and before you know it they may be happy but you certainly aren't. As you are a guy who wants exclusivity and a normal monogamous relationship then you need to look for a girl who is not bending the rules to satisfy her own needs. The minute she said she didn't want exclusivity with you that was when you should have ended it, as you are not the type of guy who can tolerate that. At that point you were incompatible and you should have walked away. Multi-dating works for some, but for others including a large proportion of the Western world outwith the US, multi-dating is not practised widely and is considered to be cheating. 1
starrynight4321 Posted June 3, 2017 Posted June 3, 2017 First of all, there is NOTHING wrong with being a one-basket guy. I am in my 20s and only date one guy at a time. People like to making sweeping generalized statements but you need to do what's right for you. No, "everyone" doesn't multi-date. People these days are so obsessed with multi-dating because they seem to think they'll get to know more people and find a better match. What is much more common outcome is that dating turns into a game where it's just about meeting as many people 1-2 times as possible, then moving on to the next and on and on, never really actually getting to know anyone, never actually investing beyond the bare minimum, and essentially getting nowhere. So, you need to do what you're comfortable with. That aside, the problem with this girl isn't the multi-dating. It's her lying. She's playing games and telling stories. Don't waste your time. Find someone who isn't actually just there to pass an hour of time until the next best thing pops up. Find someone who is on the same level as you in terms of actually wanting to invest in someting real. You need to drop her. 1
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