Should I feel so angry that girlfriend disrespected me?

[Fortysome]

This past weekend it was girlfriends birthday. I hosted her and her friends in a cabana at a pool party in Vegas. We have dated for two years and have a wonderful relationship.

 

There was a group of guys in cabana next to us and my girlfriend commented that she thought one of the guys was cute. But then the more she drank the more she kept talking about how hot this guy was. I let it go. I noticed her staring at him a bunch of times.

 

Later she went to the pool with her girlfriends to dance and have girl time. I hung back at cabana the guys and continued having a great time.

 

Later In the room she told me that the guy she thought was so hot had run up behind her while she was on the other side of the pool and picked her up and threw her over his shoulder and attempted to throw her in the pool. She said she laughed about it with her girlfriends and continued to party and have fun at the pool out of site to me. She says she did not talk to the guy and his behavior was a complete shock.

 

I kind of let her have it. I told her it's fine that she finds other men attractive. I find other woman attractive too. Telling me one time was enough, but to focus on how awesome you think this guy looks throughout the day was odd and something that I would never do nor expect to hear.. I told her that the only reason the stranger would come up to her and feel that he had a green light to put his hands on her and lift her over his shoulder and carry her away is if she was flirting with him. "You are with me your boyfriend at a party that I am throwing for you and you are flirting with another man in front of me? That is completely disrespectful and completely unacceptable" I told her.

 

She swore she did not flirt with him, so I tell her " there was 5,000 people at the Encore Beach Club and one of them you could not stop looking at and talking about and that one guy was the one who found you in the sea of people by the pool and assaulted you? What a coincidence!

 

She apologized and said she did not think it was disrespectful to enjoy the view and she will never do it again. I told her that she is free to enjoy any view she chooses but enjoying the view so obviously in front of me and sending the message to this guy and his friends that she was interested as she sat next to me was very disrespectful. I am like the most non jeleous guy I know but this really upset me.

 

Did I overreact? Did I make myself look like an insecure child? Or was it ok for me to firmly set boundaries like I did?

 

I'm honestly still angry about it and I don't know why.

[hippychick3]

You are entirely justified in your anger. I would feel disrespected as well and see nothing wrong with what you said.

 

Is it possible that you aren't "jealous enough" for her and she was looking for a reaction from you?

[basil67]

I agree that her behaviour sounds too flirty and it's too much of a coincidence that he chose her to throw in the pool. You addressed the topic well.

 

Where to go from here depends on whether or not she truly understands that she invited this upon herself. If she's realised that she was really out of line, I'd let the subject drop and let the new few days heal you. And yes, sometimes anger or hurt can take a few days to dissipate.

 

However, I'm concerned that she doesn't really 'get it'. I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like she's given a "I don't think I did anything wrong but sorry for hurting you" non-apology.

 

What do you think?

[frus69]

I dont know if she 'definatley flirted with him". maybe he noticed her too and found her attractive too so he played with her? it's Vegas, what do you expect..

She's been with you for 2 years, you know if she is a flirty kind of girl.

[d0nnivain]

You didn't over react. However, the Q becomes what to do next. If you accept her apology & she's never done this before move past it. If she often gets into these situations, maybe a re-evaluation is in order. If she does it again well that may be her true colors.

[Phoenician]

you are not overreacting .

she is testing the water of your actions when she cross the boundaries.

 

she should feel sorry not just say it .

[elaine567]

I'm honestly still angry about it and I don't know why.

I guess you are angry for a lot of reasons.

1. You are dating a much younger woman, (she at 29 is almost 20 years your junior) and she obviously is now looking around at other "hot" guys and doesn't really care that you know it. I suspect she has some resentment building.

2. She is not giving you the sex you want and is giving you "duty" sex, whilst she is getting all hot and no doubt horny over this young stud at the pool... Whilst her "hang ups" mar your sex life I guess you are thinking she may not have so many hang-ups if she were to hook up with the pool guy...

3. You want to marry her but she has not even told her Muslim parents about you, as you are a Christian.

4. She is retains a lot of "space", preferring to live in her condo with her similarly aged flatmates than spend all of her time with you and your children. In fact she disappears when your children are around

 

Your anger is no doubt bred out of frustration that things are not going quite as well as you would want with this woman and the pool incident just highlighted that.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/getting-married/620623-should-i-marry-woman-lower-sex-drive#post7281864

[Fortysome]

Elaine567 You spent a lot of time analyzing this. You are right about everything that you wrote. You told me everything that I already know though. I did not hear any advice.

 

For this specific situation I would love to hear your answer to my question. Get angry? Set firm boundaries? Or should I have let it go?

[elaine567]

Elaine567 You spent a lot of time analyzing this. You are right about everything that you wrote. You told me everything that I already know though. I did not hear any advice.

 

For this specific situation I would love to hear your answer to my question. Get angry? Set firm boundaries? Or should I have let it go?

 

 

I think for your own sake you need to seriously reassess this whole relationship.

This is a warning shot across the bows, ignore at your own peril.

Edited May 31, 2017 by elaine567

[Grumpybutfun]

She disrespected you completely. Making comments about someone attractive seems odd to me because when my woman is around, I see no one else really. I can notice a lovely/sexy lady, but I'm sure as heck not ogling her. Secondly, logically that kid wouldn't have had the temerity, even drunk, to pick up a random woman who wasn't eyeing him the entire day, especially with other people around.

I'm not sure of your situation (I didn't read your other posts) but you have been dating for too long for this to even be an issue in a committed relationship. In other words, you can overlook a lot in a new gf, but not one where you have been dating for two years and she should know it is disrespectful to you.

I would move on for better quality, someone more invested in me,

G

[elaine567]

For this specific situation I would love to hear your answer to my question. Get angry? Set firm boundaries? Or should I have let it go?

 

I think it is immaterial, as she apparently doesn't feel you are right to condemn her over this.

YOU can't control her actions, she is a grown up, she will do whatever she wants to do.

YOU need to decide whether you can put up with it or not.

 

Is this her usual MO to throw "hot" men in your face, or is she trying to tell you something here?

[preraph]

You're absolutely right. This is no different than men who flirt and leer at women in front of their woman. It's very disrespectful. She shouldn't ever tell you she thinks another man is cute unless you ask and even then she should say "He's okay." Right?

 

Of course, she was eyeing him and that's why he felt free to approach her. I guess she's missing her younger freer days, but I'm sure it will pass. I'm glad she said she'd never do it again. I'm glad you told her to keep her thoughts about that to herself. Anyone should know that.

[kendahke]

Did I overreact?

No

Did I make myself look like an insecure child?

No

Or was it ok for me to firmly set boundaries like I did?

Yes

I'm honestly still angry about it and I don't know why.

 

Because she insulted your intelligence by lying in your face.

 

Let's review:

1. she disrespected you by ogling a guy while helping herself to the accommodations you provided to her and her friends for her birthday, basically making you out to be the 40-something cuckold in front of everyone.

 

2. then she pursued him through flirting. During her "girl time" at the pool, she made it her policy to go find him in a sea of 5000 people and attempted to laugh off to you what he did and then tried to play you to the right by gaslighting you, as if you were an idiot who can't see what's falling out in experience before your eyes.

 

I'd be pissed off, too. In fact, I'd be rethinking the wisdom of being with her because this is what she does in front of your face: no telling what she does when you're not in close proximity.

 

And then there are the points Elaine made in her post, which are quite relevant to this incident. Past is always prologue.

Edited May 31, 2017 by kendahke

[smackie9]

Can you imagine what would happen if you weren't there?

[Redhead14]

This past weekend it was girlfriends birthday. I hosted her and her friends in a cabana at a pool party in Vegas. We have dated for two years and have a wonderful relationship.

 

There was a group of guys in cabana next to us and my girlfriend commented that she thought one of the guys was cute. But then the more she drank the more she kept talking about how hot this guy was. I let it go. I noticed her staring at him a bunch of times.

 

Later she went to the pool with her girlfriends to dance and have girl time. I hung back at cabana the guys and continued having a great time.

 

Later In the room she told me that the guy she thought was so hot had run up behind her while she was on the other side of the pool and picked her up and threw her over his shoulder and attempted to throw her in the pool. She said she laughed about it with her girlfriends and continued to party and have fun at the pool out of site to me. She says she did not talk to the guy and his behavior was a complete shock.

 

I kind of let her have it. I told her it's fine that she finds other men attractive. I find other woman attractive too. Telling me one time was enough, but to focus on how awesome you think this guy looks throughout the day was odd and something that I would never do nor expect to hear.. I told her that the only reason the stranger would come up to her and feel that he had a green light to put his hands on her and lift her over his shoulder and carry her away is if she was flirting with him. "You are with me your boyfriend at a party that I am throwing for you and you are flirting with another man in front of me? That is completely disrespectful and completely unacceptable" I told her.

 

She swore she did not flirt with him, so I tell her " there was 5,000 people at the Encore Beach Club and one of them you could not stop looking at and talking about and that one guy was the one who found you in the sea of people by the pool and assaulted you? What a coincidence!

 

She apologized and said she did not think it was disrespectful to enjoy the view and she will never do it again. I told her that she is free to enjoy any view she chooses but enjoying the view so obviously in front of me and sending the message to this guy and his friends that she was interested as she sat next to me was very disrespectful. I am like the most non jeleous guy I know but this really upset me.

 

Did I overreact? Did I make myself look like an insecure child? Or was it ok for me to firmly set boundaries like I did?

 

I'm honestly still angry about it and I don't know why.

 

Nip it in the bud. You need to let her know what bothers you when it bothers you. Now that you've addressed this and made your stance clear, you sit back and observe whether she actually curtails the behavior. If it continues, you end the relationship. Boundaries need to be conveyed, respect for them needs to be demonstrated over a period of time and, if not, they need to be enforced.

[WhirlwindGuy]

This past weekend it was girlfriends birthday. I hosted her and her friends in a cabana at a pool party in Vegas. We have dated for two years and have a wonderful relationship.

 

There was a group of guys in cabana next to us and my girlfriend commented that she thought one of the guys was cute. But then the more she drank the more she kept talking about how hot this guy was. I let it go. I noticed her staring at him a bunch of times.

 

Later she went to the pool with her girlfriends to dance and have girl time. I hung back at cabana the guys and continued having a great time.

 

Later In the room she told me that the guy she thought was so hot had run up behind her while she was on the other side of the pool and picked her up and threw her over his shoulder and attempted to throw her in the pool. She said she laughed about it with her girlfriends and continued to party and have fun at the pool out of site to me. She says she did not talk to the guy and his behavior was a complete shock.

 

I kind of let her have it. I told her it's fine that she finds other men attractive. I find other woman attractive too. Telling me one time was enough, but to focus on how awesome you think this guy looks throughout the day was odd and something that I would never do nor expect to hear.. I told her that the only reason the stranger would come up to her and feel that he had a green light to put his hands on her and lift her over his shoulder and carry her away is if she was flirting with him. "You are with me your boyfriend at a party that I am throwing for you and you are flirting with another man in front of me? That is completely disrespectful and completely unacceptable" I told her.

 

She swore she did not flirt with him, so I tell her " there was 5,000 people at the Encore Beach Club and one of them you could not stop looking at and talking about and that one guy was the one who found you in the sea of people by the pool and assaulted you? What a coincidence!

 

She apologized and said she did not think it was disrespectful to enjoy the view and she will never do it again. I told her that she is free to enjoy any view she chooses but enjoying the view so obviously in front of me and sending the message to this guy and his friends that she was interested as she sat next to me was very disrespectful. I am like the most non jeleous guy I know but this really upset me.

 

Did I overreact? Did I make myself look like an insecure child? Or was it ok for me to firmly set boundaries like I did?

 

I'm honestly still angry about it and I don't know why.

 

 

 

You're completely justified. I wonder how she would have reacted had the shoe been on the other foot.

 

 

It was completely disrespectful, and honestly, I would have a hard time even letting that go. I think you should have possibly put a stop to it when she kept going on about how hot this guy was.

 

 

Im married now, but was recently single, and I don't mind if my SO thinks other guys are hot...they are, as are other women...but let it go at that. You don't need to stare, comment incessantly, or flirt. That crosses the line completely.

[DashRiprock]

You were 100% TOTALLY disrespected. After two years, I'm guessing (with high confidence) this isn't the first incident or flag because a "leopard never changes their spots." Let this go now, and you open Pandora's box for future bad behavior. I don't care if the girl I'm dating is an 11 on a 10-point scale. Two things that will get them dumped:

 

1- Inappropriate, repetitive bad behavior

2- Chronic BS, as you've described.

 

I'll give anyone a bad night or lapse in judgement, but, it if continues, I dump them and tell them exactly why. Just ask the girl I dumped last week because of issues #1 and #2 above.

 

If it were me, I'd call a timeout of 1-2 weeks with MINIMAL or no contact because you need to "think about the relationship." When people feel someone slipping away, it's amazing how often CLARITY strikes them.

 

Show her you're not a beta male or p*&sy and that you can land better if you want to.

 

Best of luck, Dash