LotusAvx Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 I had about 4 dates with this guy and he seemed interested and everything seemed fine, especially since he kept making plans with me. For over a week now, I haven't heard from him at all. He didn't respond to my last text over a week ago now. I am use to this happening while dating and there wasn't anything invested after 4 dates, but I feel like I should call this guy out for "ghosting" me. I didn't sleep with him so he didn't just ditch after getting sex. I want to call him out - not in a mean way, and I don't even care if he replies or not. Just something along the lines of... "you know you could have easily told me if you weren't interested instead of just ignoring me".. I'm not really mad, but I think he should know that it's better to be honest with people about not being interested. It really would save a lot of wondering. Should I politely tell him or just leave it alone? 1
OatsAndHall Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 I had about 4 dates with this guy and he seemed interested and everything seemed fine, especially since he kept making plans with me. For over a week now, I haven't heard from him at all. He didn't respond to my last text over a week ago now. I am use to this happening while dating and there wasn't anything invested after 4 dates, but I feel like I should call this guy out for "ghosting" me. I didn't sleep with him so he didn't just ditch after getting sex. I want to call him out - not in a mean way, and I don't even care if he replies or not. Just something along the lines of... "you know you could have easily told me if you weren't interested instead of just ignoring me".. I'm not really mad, but I think he should know that it's better to be honest with people about not being interested. It really would save a lot of wondering. Should I politely tell him or just leave it alone? One of three things happens if you call him out: 1. He just continues to ignore you. 2. He'll feed you a bunch of platitudes explaining his behavior. "It's not you,t it's me.." etc.. 3. He'll get rude and fire back at you. I would just move on. 3
d0nnivain Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 You have nothing to lose. If you feel better, go ahead but don't think it will improve anything.
preraph Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 You're just asking to be humiliated if you insist on calling him out. There is no upside to doing that. The most leverage you have now is to make him wonder if you ever cared one whit. If you contact him, he knows you did. If you just let it go, at least he will wonder a little bit. 5
Versacehottie Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 I agree with all those that said just let it go. Basically if you are honest with yourself, you would be saying that to get a reaction of some kind. Not getting in touch with him and/or not responding if (likely when!) he gets in touch with you can be just as good. You just need to rectify it in your head. You know how you feel about the whole thing sooooo why would you need his contribution to "make it right" in your head? Basically you just need to think of it like this: *you accept it therefore he doesn't need any feedback/ information from you. *he's not gonna get any "lesson" that you are trying to pass on most likely and it's not your job to teach him (also that's definitely not why you'd be reaching out). *if you feel like this is not at all the type of person you would like to date, good he made it easy for you by showing his hand after only 4 dates and bonus you don't even need to hash it out or spend time trying to get on the same page. Exposed....bye!
hippychick3 Posted May 3, 2017 Posted May 3, 2017 I think you deep down inside are hoping that he will convince you he is still interested and come up with a reasonable explanation for his silence. However, there is no explanation that will excuse his silence. Nothing good will come from calling him out. He will only get an ego boost with the knowledge that you cared more than he did. Don't give him that. Let him think you didn't care enough to bother reaching out again...that's the best payback. 5
GoneGirl32 Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 (edited) Playing devil's advocate, did your last text even warrant a response? My texts don't always warrant responses, so if he doesn't text back, I'm not too troubled about it. Either he or I will shoot one off in a couple of days. I would, assuming I really like him and want to continue dating him. I don't always. Anyway, has he always been the the one to initiate, or have you been initiating some too? I am sure I will get blasted for this, but if you haven't been initiating, could it be possible he's waiting (even hoping) to hear from you? After four dates, many men (not all) prefer, even need, the woman to step up and initiate too. Of course, if you have been doing your fair share of initiating, never-mind! In any event, I wouldn't bother "calling him out." Total waste of energy. If he did in fact "ghost," best to just move on. Save you energy for the next guy who hopefully WON'T ghost and who you can actually build something substantial with. Edited May 4, 2017 by GoneGirl32
GoneGirl32 Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 He will only get an ego boost with the knowledge that you cared more than he did. Don't give him that. Let him think you didn't care enough to bother reaching out again...that's the best payback. I really don't like those types of games and "one-upmanship." Who leaves with the upper hand, make him think you don't care etc. Who cares? When a man ghosts, all I care about is moving on! I don't really give a rat's rear end what he thinks and you shouldn't either. I agree to not call him out, but don't NOT do it because you don't want him thinking you still care and give him an "ego boost." Ugh. Again, who the eff cares what HE thinks this point? Don't call him out for YOU because it's a complete waste of time and energy to do so, energy you could be spending on lots more productive things, like finding other guys to date or catching up with old friends, taking a class, anything really would be a step up than concerning yourself with what HE thinks. Assuming he DID, in fact, ghost you which you still don't know for sure yet, do you?
GoneGirl32 Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 (edited) Deleted. Double post. Edited May 4, 2017 by GoneGirl32
act00 Posted May 4, 2017 Posted May 4, 2017 Don't bother. Even if he contacts you, just decline any further dates. You can certainly tell him it's not going to work out, as you do not appreciate being ignored, but calling him out means nothing at this point. You've moved on. I do have to agree with the above poster that if you have never taken any initiative in all this time, he may be waiting for you to do so.
Author LotusAvx Posted May 4, 2017 Author Posted May 4, 2017 I never thought about him maybe waiting for me to do so, but it's been well over a week, I am sure he would have contacted me by now if he was waiting on me. I deleted his number so I wouldn't be tempted to text him. 1
GoneGirl32 Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 (edited) I never thought about him maybe waiting for me to do so, but it's been well over a week, I am sure he would have contacted me by now if he was waiting on me. I deleted his number so I wouldn't be tempted to text him. What did you say in your last text? Texting can be so ambiguous, one never knows how their words come across to another; is it possible something you said could have offended him somehow? Without your intending to offend? Ya just never know how someone is interpreting your words without the benefit of tone of voice/inflection, facial expression, body language. I dunno, this has happened to me a few times which is why I'm asking. Why not shoot him one text just to see? Something light, not accusatory. Assuming you really like him and want to continue dating him. Honestly though, many men purposely DON'T text, to see if the woman will step up, if she hasn't been initiating. Yeah it's a shyt test and a game, but read this forum, many men do play that game to test your interest level. Ghosting is just so lame. If he doesn't respond back to that text, after four dates then yeah he's ghosting and a coward (imo). Good riddance. Edited May 5, 2017 by GoneGirl32
Dis Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Don't say a word He ghosted you...do you think he's going to care about what you have to say? If anything its going to boost his ego knowing that his disappearing act got to you "Dont kill people with kindness because not everyone deserves your kindness. Kill people will silence because not everyone deserves your attention." - Unknown Keep your chin up girl 1
KBob Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 I must add some of my experiences to this discussion. partly because I'm in the middle of one of these situations myself. I've had this kind of thing happen twice before and it turned out to be a failure of communication on the part of the cell phone company. The first time it was with a woman I'd went out with a couple times by then. We had been texting every day, had date planned for a few days later, but out of nowhere she went silent and didn't answer my text. I had the mindset that I wasn't going to chase her if she went silent, so I played it cool and didn't text her until the day we were supposed to go out, giving a "hey what time should I come pick you up tonight?". She responded and when we met up she brought up why I hadn't messaged her back. It turned out neither of us had received the reply we expected and were both being pig headed about not putting ourselves out there to follow up with the other. Since that event I've been ghosted a couple times and simply followed up a couple days later with a "hey I haven't heard from you in a while, just wanted to make sure it's not a failure of technology. If you're simply not interested then no need to reply." Bluntly put, I don't give a rats a** if any of these women think this is clingy or weak, all I'm doing is doing my due diligence and not letting an opportunity slip away because of a text failure. And guess what? It turned out one of those two was another one of these situations! I carried on and dated that one for a couple more months. So don't put all of your eggs in technology's basket, it does break every once in a while. 1
mortensorchid Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Don't bother with someone who ghosts. It's just wasted energy.
VeveCakes Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 Don't do it! Ghosters live for this. They know what they did was dirty. Just keep your pride and move on.
GoneGirl32 Posted May 5, 2017 Posted May 5, 2017 I must add some of my experiences to this discussion. partly because I'm in the middle of one of these situations myself. I've had this kind of thing happen twice before and it turned out to be a failure of communication on the part of the cell phone company. The first time it was with a woman I'd went out with a couple times by then. We had been texting every day, had date planned for a few days later, but out of nowhere she went silent and didn't answer my text. I had the mindset that I wasn't going to chase her if she went silent, so I played it cool and didn't text her until the day we were supposed to go out, giving a "hey what time should I come pick you up tonight?". She responded and when we met up she brought up why I hadn't messaged her back. It turned out neither of us had received the reply we expected and were both being pig headed about not putting ourselves out there to follow up with the other. Since that event I've been ghosted a couple times and simply followed up a couple days later with a "hey I haven't heard from you in a while, just wanted to make sure it's not a failure of technology. If you're simply not interested then no need to reply." Bluntly put, I don't give a rats a** if any of these women think this is clingy or weak, all I'm doing is doing my due diligence and not letting an opportunity slip away because of a text failure. And guess what? It turned out one of those two was another one of these situations! I carried on and dated that one for a couple more months. So don't put all of your eggs in technology's basket, it does break every once in a while. Very good point and one I had never even considered, thanks for sharing! 1
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