I got played - yes I admit it

[Starfish82]

Hello all, just got definitive proof I was played by a confusing guy I dated a few months ago. Though I cut it off already I just wanted to share and vent and .. I don't know.. declare my badge wearing status as a member of the 'I got played' club I suppose.

 

So I met him at this networking group last September. We went on three dates in total over a two month period. The first date happened in mid-October and it was one of the most intense and interesting dates I've ever been on. He was so complimentary he really laid it on thick, he overwhelmed me with praise - at one point he just sat there for a solid ten minutes telling me how attractive I was and how he can't stop looking at my picture. I have since learned this is called love bombing.

 

Anyway things deteriorated rapidly after this. He would do erratic periods of intense texting followed by no texting. It became harder and harder to schedule dates with him - he was always busy for some reason on evenings and weekends. All I got was continuous texting leading nowhere, plus one late night invite to go over to some coffee place in his part of town.

 

We did meet twice more but it was more me trying to make it happen. He was also less and less solicitous in every subsequent date that I saw him. By the third date, when he pushed for sex and for me to go back to his place, and I said no, he became really impatient to leave and made me feel like I was a nuisance to him. He disappeared for four days after that but then resumed texting and flirting the next week. I was so confused by this point I engaged in it for another week hoping somehow things would change. Finally I saw sense and cut it off.

 

Writing it down it sounds so bad I don't know why I didn't see it at the time. But really he was so handsome and charming I wanted to believe it was real. I spent so much energy and emotion trying to decipher the mixed messages and trying to convince myself that there could be legitimate reasons to keep the dream alive. He seemed so sure he wanted me at first - and just me - it's a powerful feeling.

 

Last night I got concrete proof all of that was a fantasy. I learned from mutual friends that he had a girlfriend the whole time and they had been attending events at the networking group together since the day I met him. In fact he started chasing me about a month after he met her (so presumably they were already starting to date). They were last seen together a couple weeks ago but that didn't stop him hitting on another friend of mine about a week ago, asking to see her at another event last night.

 

So basically this guy is a major player whose agenda is to have one steady girl and several others on the side going at the same time. Unwittingly I became one of those 'side girls' for a while.

 

Now overall I think I didn't do too badly in this situation. I got out before sex. It didn't last too long either. I got off lightly in some respects compared to his gf. But I couldn't help investing emotionally and feel hurt and frustrated. I couldn't help wasting time and energy on analysing the situation when he obviously was not going through anything remotely similar. I also wonder what it is about me that attracts these people - do I have 'vulnerable, please exploit me' across my forehead?

 

I'm also just sad that I wasn't the gorgeous special girl he made me feel for a time. It is so, so tempting to believe that, even if it means doing mental acrobatics. I think that's why women put up with mixed message guys and it's such a common problem.

 

Anyway... there's my pathetic tale of woe. I'll get over it I know but just wish it didn't feel so bad.

[Zahara]

I don't know why I didn't see it at the time. But really he was so handsome and charming I wanted to believe it was real.

 

You saw it. You just didn't want to let go of a handsome and charming man. It fed your ego and you wanted it to pan out. Hard to let go of what makes us feel good.

 

I'm also just sad that I wasn't the gorgeous special girl he made me feel for a time.

 

You should already know this about yourself. You should realize that value within you. When you start looking for external validation because you don't see the "special and gorgeous" within, that's when you start desperately falling and clinging to men like him and their sweet words.

 

Anyway... there's my pathetic tale of woe. I'll get over it I know but just wish it didn't feel so bad.

 

There is no need for self-deprecation. Build yourself up. Credit yourself for getting out. There's a woman (his girlfriend) who is likely still with him because she doesn't have the courage to leave.

 

Keep the negativity away when you are hurting. Treat yourself kindly and gently.

[d0nnivain]

You learned a few things so there is that small silver lining. When you encounter love bombing the next time you won't be so quick to believe.

 

 

Hang in there.

[stillafool]

Build your own self esteem and never depend on a man's comments to raise it. As you said he is handsome and charming so he probably "love bombs" a lot of girls and his payoff is sex. Like you said at least you didn't have sex with him or you would feel worst. Usually when someone comes on to you that strong in such a short time it's bull**** which I'm sure you learned from this experience. So now that you have experienced a Player you will know what signs to look for the next time.

[preraph]

You have to look at the gaps and holes in their attention and count actions, not words. Anyone can say anything to get their way.

[KBob]

I wouldn't say you got played. You ALMOST got played. You denied the player his ultimate goal: sex. You were a little slow to discover his motives, but give yourself a pat on the back for not being f****d and chucked. And now that you've seen it you'll be completely player proof!

[Starfish82]

haha player-proof, I wish. I may not fall for the love bombing again but I'll fall for something else probably I know it...

 

I'm just feeling depressed today upon learning the new information (about the gf and him hitting up my friend too). I don't know how but he got to me in such a short time and with so little in the way of real effort and attention. I thought he had CHOSEN me out of all the girls he could have, for once I felt like baby in Dirty Dancing, someone pulled me out of the corner. But it was so far from the truth. In fact it;s more like he put me in the invisible corner, the one reserved for side-girls, while gf gets the rest of the room and gets taken out with him in public. I was something he was hiding.

 

What's worse is I've seen pics of the gf and neither she nor the friend he hit on are pretty! Not to be mean but really both are 6/10 at best. I read here somewhere that players might go a few notches down their league in order to score more easily, is that what happened to me too? Did he CHOOSE me because I'm plain and easy and vulnerable?! These are the miserable thoughts going through my head this evening. It's difficult to keep my confidence up

 

And then I also think what if my friend - despite me warning her - decides to date him anyway. What if they really hit it off and he treats her seriously for some reason and then I'll have to hang around with both of them!

 

I know I need to just stop thinking about him and not care. End this attachment - and I'm very good at pretending to the outside world that this is the case. But inside I'm finding it really hard to let go, maybe because it was so insulting and so much deception messing with my brain. How do you get over it??

[KBob]

You're thinking too hard about this. His methods and choices of women should not be validating in any way towards you. You are your own person, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Start thinking about your qualities that make you a good catch and stop focusing on the negative so much.

 

You need to temper how much you put into an initial relationship, especially since this hadn't become one. You're clearly putting the situation up on a pedestal by believing it was a kind of "true love" situation, which caused you to have your blinders on. If you keep putting every guy on a pedestal you will endure a lot of disappointment and pain.

 

If your friend continues to date him then that's her choice; you don't have to hang around with them. I sure wouldn't. In fact her dating someone that hurt you says a lot about how much she values your friendship.

[shahjskalio]

You should be so happy he's out of your life!!!!! This guy is an insecure manipulative sociopathic player. All he cares about is himself and his needs.

[biker23]

I'm amazed by this love bombing. I've dated two women now that mentioned it is common for them. Guys try to lock them down early with the bombing and stating they want commitment and marriage etc. It's just not my way. One ex told me she thought I was a player because I DIDNT do this. Talk about messed up. It's such an obvious fake player move. Lacks all credibility so why is it successful.

[ashy555]

Starfish, you may not see it now, but you have just learnt a pretty valuable lesson.

 

This kind of thing happened to me many times. Just look at my old posts

Without any of that, I would still be embarrassingly naive.

 

Try not to be so upset about this. You didn't lose an awesome guy. You lost a dirtbag of a loser. This is the way he is. He is constantly cheating on his current girlfriend. Feel bad for her. You got away. You didn't even sleep with him so your dignity is still well in tact. You are just focusing on how good looking he is and how good looking he thought you were. You didn't develop an emotional connection with him. It was all just pure lust. He'll do the same thing with anyone else. One day he might grow up.

No normal guy will bang on for 10 minutes on date 1 about how amazingly attractive you are. That is batsh** crazy talk and quite frankly.. creepy.

 

Technically he is just made up of some skin and bone. With an added jerk of a personality. Knowing that always helped me

He is not worth your tears.

Eventually you will learn not to get so attached so quickly. Trust me, it will come naturally.

[TheTraveler]

Try not to be so upset about this. You didn't lose an awesome guy. You lost a dirtbag of a loser. This is the way he is.

 

Pretty much this OP. Realize this and move forward.

 

And stick around since you're a new poster. You can learn a lot from here

 

[Starfish82]

Thanks everyone. Reading your replies has made me feel a bit better.

[elaine567]

I'm amazed by this love bombing. I've dated two women now that mentioned it is common for them. Guys try to lock them down early with the bombing and stating they want commitment and marriage etc. It's just not my way. One ex told me she thought I was a player because I DIDNT do this. Talk about messed up. It's such an obvious fake player move. Lacks all credibility so why is it successful.

 

 

Men who are very good at playing do not have only one method of attack, they change their strategy according to the responses they get back. They are good at reading what a women really wants.

Most people want their ego stroked, they want the happy ending. Players are good at tapping into what the woman wants and gives it to her.

She wants a relationship, the kids and a picket fence, he is Mr Nice Guy, the man her Mom would love.

If she wants a bad boy, some excitement and danger, he becomes Mr Thrillseeker.

He is a chameleon, he changes colour to suit the moment.

[Curiousroxy86]

Hello all, just got definitive proof I was played by a confusing guy I dated a few months ago. Though I cut it off already I just wanted to share and vent and .. I don't know.. declare my badge wearing status as a member of the 'I got played' club I suppose.

 

So I met him at this networking group last September. We went on three dates in total over a two month period. The first date happened in mid-October and it was one of the most intense and interesting dates I've ever been on. He was so complimentary he really laid it on thick, he overwhelmed me with praise - at one point he just sat there for a solid ten minutes telling me how attractive I was and how he can't stop looking at my picture. I have since learned this is called love bombing.

 

Anyway things deteriorated rapidly after this. He would do erratic periods of intense texting followed by no texting. It became harder and harder to schedule dates with him - he was always busy for some reason on evenings and weekends. All I got was continuous texting leading nowhere, plus one late night invite to go over to some coffee place in his part of town.

 

We did meet twice more but it was more me trying to make it happen. He was also less and less solicitous in every subsequent date that I saw him. By the third date, when he pushed for sex and for me to go back to his place, and I said no, he became really impatient to leave and made me feel like I was a nuisance to him. He disappeared for four days after that but then resumed texting and flirting the next week. I was so confused by this point I engaged in it for another week hoping somehow things would change. Finally I saw sense and cut it off.

 

Writing it down it sounds so bad I don't know why I didn't see it at the time. But really he was so handsome and charming I wanted to believe it was real. I spent so much energy and emotion trying to decipher the mixed messages and trying to convince myself that there could be legitimate reasons to keep the dream alive. He seemed so sure he wanted me at first - and just me - it's a powerful feeling.

 

Last night I got concrete proof all of that was a fantasy. I learned from mutual friends that he had a girlfriend the whole time and they had been attending events at the networking group together since the day I met him. In fact he started chasing me about a month after he met her (so presumably they were already starting to date). They were last seen together a couple weeks ago but that didn't stop him hitting on another friend of mine about a week ago, asking to see her at another event last night.

 

So basically this guy is a major player whose agenda is to have one steady girl and several others on the side going at the same time. Unwittingly I became one of those 'side girls' for a while.

 

Now overall I think I didn't do too badly in this situation. I got out before sex. It didn't last too long either. I got off lightly in some respects compared to his gf. But I couldn't help investing emotionally and feel hurt and frustrated. I couldn't help wasting time and energy on analysing the situation when he obviously was not going through anything remotely similar. I also wonder what it is about me that attracts these people - do I have 'vulnerable, please exploit me' across my forehead?

 

I'm also just sad that I wasn't the gorgeous special girl he made me feel for a time. It is so, so tempting to believe that, even if it means doing mental acrobatics. I think that's why women put up with mixed message guys and it's such a common problem.

 

Anyway... there's my pathetic tale of woe. I'll get over it I know but just wish it didn't feel so bad.

 

 

I think he hurt your pride more than anything. I didn't really read any real investments from him except how gorgeous you are. I mean I didn't hear any super sweep you off the feet effort. You were the one who kept setting up meetings. he wasn't. I didn't hear any promises. So your good. don't believe their words. go by what they show you. he pretty much showed you he was flaky from the beginning. you will be alright keep your head up

[smackie9]

Men who are very good at playing do not have only one method of attack, they change their strategy according to the responses they get back. They are good at reading what a women really wants.

Most people want their ego stroked, they want the happy ending. Players are good at tapping into what the woman wants and gives it to her.

She wants a relationship, the kids and a picket fence, he is Mr Nice Guy, the man her Mom would love.

If she wants a bad boy, some excitement and danger, he becomes Mr Thrillseeker.

He is a chameleon, he changes colour to suit the moment.

This^^^^players adjust to different situations. They seek out women that are vulnerable in some way, and figure out their weakness just from having a few conversations. Example "Oh you love children? So do I, I practically raised my little brother and sister because my mom had to support us all *violin plays* I took them everywhere with me, they were so much fun."