Does it matter if he has a low EQ, if he is a good man inside?

January 19, 2017

Hi guys

I have been dating my bf for almost two years. I have generally noticed that he has a low EQ as in he doesnt know how to comfort me if I am feeling upset (for example, if i cry because I dropped and broke my phone). He doesnt seem to be able to handle me when I get emotional about something. If I cry, he will tend to stare at me blankly and not try to comfort me. He is also unempathetic, because he will tend to say things bluntly, and not take into account my feelings, but he never means to say these things to hurt me. If I let him down in any way, he wont automatically forgive me, but he says where I went wrong and how disappointed he was. He is also very inflexible, it is very hard to persuade him to think of things in my view, and also he doesnt want to compromise a lot of the time. He's also quiet, and my friends see him as a bit of a loner. He doesnt have any close friends, and has never had a gf for more than a few months. He seems a bit socially awkward cos he doesnt have much conversational ability. Most of his vocab are one word replies, and he doesnt know how to continue a conversation. He also never says that he loves me, he doesn't say I am beautiful or pretty (he sometimes says I am cute), he never writes me cards, or send me flowers. He says he finds it difficult to buy a gift for me because he doesnt know what i like. I asked him if he loved me, and he said that he did, but he doesnt come out with it himself. He sometimes says things like he wishes I was more logical and resolute. I ask him so what he likes about me, he says he likes other aspects of my personality like my considerateness and also my sense of humour. He never gushes about me, or says how lucky he is, or how amazing I am etc etc.

However, despite these things I really do love him as I want to see his good side. He doesn't intentionally do these things to upset me, he is just a bit socially awkward. And it is in his personality that he doesnt know how to comfort me when I feel upset. He is a really good man inside. We have an amazing time when we are together, we share tons of common interests- the same foods, activities we like to do on holiday and we have our own little code speak as well. He is generous because he was willing to pay for everything on our most recent holiday. He is also intelligent because he studied at Stanford. He is really adventurous and life is not dull with him. I have a lot of good memories with him. I am also really attracted to him physically as well. He shows that he cares about me from his hugs, kisses and he never fails to talk to me everyday. He is also insanely loyal, trustworthy and honest. I don't know if honesty comes with his straightforward, no nonsense nature, but he is honest to a fault. I would never mistrust him. He is also very undramatic. He never plays games, is very straightforward and is ready to settle down.

I used to date another guy for 6 years, who had all the qualities that he didnt have (eg. very sympathetic and supportive) but he was also insanely boring.

I have often thought about whether or not there is someone better for me out there, but I don't really know whether I will find someone with the unique traits of my bf that I love. The loyalty, honesty and adventurousness and being physically attractive is so rare, I find.

Do you think that it matters if your partner is a good hearted man inside but has low EQ (but it isn't his fault)?

Edited January 19, 2017 by firefly123

January 19, 2017

Is he an only child or the youngest? I'd look at his FOO.

Nowadays with texting and IM, people have learned to acknowledge and have a back and forth with conversation.

The next time you cry and he is unresponsive....ask him what he is thinking? Mind you, his answer could be, "you dropped your phone, it broke, sucks, but is replaceable."

I can cry when I get frustrated. I've had several frustrating days in a row now and the next customer service person that says, "I'm sorry I can't help you with that" is probably going to get an explosive tirade. I've got one nerve left with the whole keep peoople waiting only to tell them "no" set up we seem to have.

Anyway, only you can evaluate if his shortcomings are something you can adapt to or her can overcome. Don't settle if you have doubts.

January 19, 2017

Is he an only child or the youngest? I'd look at his FOO.

Nowadays with texting and IM, people have learned to acknowledge and have a back and forth with conversation.

The next time you cry and he is unresponsive....ask him what he is thinking? Mind you, his answer could be, "you dropped your phone, it broke, sucks, but is replaceable."

I can cry when I get frustrated. I've had several frustrating days in a row now and the next customer service person that says, "I'm sorry I can't help you with that" is probably going to get an explosive tirade. I've got one nerve left with the whole keep people waiting only to tell them "no" set up we seem to have.

Anyway, only you can evaluate if his shortcomings are something you can adapt to or her can overcome. Don't settle if you have doubts.

He is the youngest in his family, has an overachieving older brother, he is 40 years old and never married. He's american-chinese with a tiger mom as his mom. He chooses things very carefully, including girlfriends/ jobs etc. to the point where I sometimes gets annoyed with how long it takes him to choose things. I am more spontaneous, jump before I look etc. and often making hasty decisions. I am also indecisive, going from one decision to another in the space of minutes.

When I broke my phone I was really upset cos it was almost new, I was saying things like I'd rather have malaria than a broken phone, cos I can get better but my phone can't and its really expensive. My bf thought it was really silly, but he didnt comfort me in the way I needed, just to reassure me and say it's okay. I mean, he did say 'let's get it fixed, and let's see which shop can fix it now' but I wanted him to feel sad too.

I tell him what I wished he would say or do, and he says that he will try. I know that you can't change a person, but the other things about him I adore. when I am with him, I feel loved, and if he were to propose to me I would happily say yes.

Edited January 19, 2017 by firefly123

January 19, 2017

I don't think the problem here is him.

The example you gave is of you crying over a broken phone and needing comforting. Firefly, you are a grown woman and by now you should have learned to keep things in perspective (It's only a broken phone. Nobody is hurt) and also to self soothe. It's a silly thing to cry over and even sillier to need to be comforted.

The normal response for a broken phone is 'expletive, grumble, grumble'

That said, if he looked at you blankly when you cry because a dear friend is critically injured or dies - THEN we're looking at low EQ on his part.

January 19, 2017

He is the youngest in his family, has an overachieving older brother, he is 40 years old and never married. He's american-chinese with a tiger mom as his mom. He chooses things very carefully, including girlfriends/ jobs etc. to the point where I sometimes gets annoyed with how long it takes him to choose things. I am more spontaneous, jump before I look etc. and often making hasty decisions. I am also indecisive, going from one decision to another in the space of minutes.

When I broke my phone I was really upset cos it was almost new, I was saying things like I'd rather have malaria than a broken phone, cos I can get better but my phone can't and its really expensive. My bf thought it was really silly, but he didnt comfort me in the way I needed, just to reassure me and say it's okay. I mean, he did say 'let's get it fixed, and let's see which shop can fix it now' but I wanted him to feel sad too.

I tell him what I wished he would say or do, and he says that he will try. I know that you can't change a person, but the other things about him I adore. when I am with him, I feel loved, and if he were to propose to me I would happily say yes.

Did you really say you'd rather have malaria than a broken phone? Sorry, but that's just really dumb. I think many guys in your boyfriend's position would have looked at you like you lost your marbles or you're overly dramatic or something. Sounds like he handled your situation like a gentleman.

I think you got a good man OP.

January 19, 2017

When I broke my phone I was really upset cos it was almost new, I was saying things like I'd rather have malaria than a broken phone, cos I can get better but my phone can't and its really expensive. My bf thought it was really silly, but he didnt comfort me in the way I needed, just to reassure me and say it's okay. I mean, he did say 'let's get it fixed, and let's see which shop can fix it now' but I wanted him to feel sad too.

This underscores what I just wrote. Yeah, it's crap that an expensive phone broke. But it's just a phone and it can get fixed. But you'd rather get malaria??!!

His responses are normal. Your responses are very dramatic. And why would he feel sad over your broken phone? It's just a phone.

January 19, 2017

How often do you cry? Over a broken phone? Really?? When you cry over something so minor, its likely he's getting hardened to it. It sounds like you are just over emotional. It can get tiresome, almost like you are trying to make him react to you.

Pick your spots better.

January 19, 2017

Well two things....

. He's also quiet, and my friends see him as a bit of a loner. He doesnt have any close friends, and has never had a gf for more than a few months. He seems a bit socially awkward cos he doesnt have much conversational ability. Most of his vocab are one word replies, and he doesnt know how to continue a conversation. He also never says that he loves me, he doesn't say I am beautiful or pretty (he sometimes says I am cute), he never writes me cards, or send me flowers. He says he finds it difficult to buy a gift for me because he doesnt know what i like.

I find these sentences troubling, and personally I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where my partner can't hold a conversation and hasn't paid enough attention to me / gotten to know me enough to know what I like.

if I am feeling upset (for example, if i cry because I dropped and broke my phone). He doesnt seem to be able to handle me when I get emotional about something. If I cry, he will tend to stare at me blankly and not try to comfort me.

I think I would stare blankly at you as well - this seems like an overly emotional response to a minor mishap.

From the little you have told us - you two sound like polar opposites emotionally. He is rational / logical to a fault, and fails to be perceptive. It seems like you are on the other extreme, and take things quite emotionally.

I question the basic compatibility here. You wish he was more perceptive / emotional. He wishes you were more logical.

And I will point out, the qualities you mentioned about him, and your ex, are totally unrelated.

Logical does not equal "adventure!" and emotional does not equal boring. Those were just a particular set of traits that each of these guys had.

I am sure there are adventurous and emotionally intuitive guys out there

January 19, 2017

How often do you cry? Over a broken phone? Really?? When you cry over something so minor, its likely he's getting hardened to it. It sounds like you are just over emotional. It can get tiresome, almost like you are trying to make him react to you.

Pick your spots better.

I will cry if I don't feel like he is giving me the comfort that I need.

for example, when we missed a flight because I was very bad at timing, he was annoyed. I felt upset that he was annoyed, cos I expected him to brush it off, and calm me down and say it doesnt matter. he paid the airline for the late fee, and I paid him back, but I felt like he shouldnt have taken my money and should have said that it didnt matter, things like these happen. I felt annoyed and upset at him for about a day for that.

I would feel a bit annoyed when he would wake up earlier than me, and he wouldnt offer to make me a cup of tea or offer to make me breakfast. I would say things like I wish u were a better boyfriend sometimes. He would then look at me with reproachful, guilty and sad eyes.

He is just very straightforward, rather unromantic, no nonsense kind of guy. he tries his best, but he doesnt know how to please me i guess. But at the same time, I love all the other things about him that I feel is rare in other men.

January 19, 2017

Well two things....

I find these sentences troubling, and personally I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where my partner can't hold a conversation and hasn't paid enough attention to me / gotten to know me enough to know what I like.

I think I would stare blankly at you as well - this seems like an overly emotional response to a minor mishap.

From the little you have told us - you two sound like polar opposites emotionally. He is rational / logical to a fault, and fails to be perceptive. It seems like you are on the other extreme, and take things quite emotionally.

I question the basic compatibility here. You wish he was more perceptive / emotional. He wishes you were more logical.

And I will point out, the qualities you mentioned about him, and your ex, are totally unrelated.

Logical does not equal "adventure!" and emotional does not equal boring. Those were just a particular set of traits that each of these guys had.

I am sure there are adventurous and emotionally intuitive guys out there

I think I tend to become more and more emotional the more I don't get the response I need. If he had just said 'Aww its okay, we can get you another one, these things happen' I would have been okay. The fact was that he wasnt as sympathetic and kind, just made me say things like 'i would rather have malaria!' just so that I could provoke a sympathetic response.

I know that emotionally intuitive doesnt rule out adventure. I do feel that it is hard to find everything I want in one man. Maybe they have high EQs like a lot of my friends, but then I don't find them attractive at all. Maybe they are adventurous but not in the same way I am. I know I have a really lovely guy, but emotionally we are polar opposites. I don't know if we can find a balance somewhere and make it work? If we were to have kids together I would be over the moon. He would make a practical, hands on, down to earth parent.

I think he doesnt know what I like because he isn't very observant in general. I have noticed that he has a bit of a one track mind and doesnt pay attention to his surroundings.

January 19, 2017

huh - just read your other post. So you are thinking about marrying him, relocating countries, and starting a family with him?

Did you decide who will be relocating?

Are you ready to give up all that you said you didn't want to give up - because he is inflexible and fails to see things from your side?

What sort of parent do you think he would be? Do you foresee him being there and comforting you through those long sleepless nights with a crying baby?

January 19, 2017

I will cry if I don't feel like he is giving me the comfort that I need.

for example, when we missed a flight because I was very bad at timing, he was annoyed. I felt upset that he was annoyed, cos I expected him to brush it off, and calm me down and say it doesnt matter. he paid the airline for the late fee, and I paid him back, but I felt like he shouldnt have taken my money and should have said that it didnt matter, things like these happen. I felt annoyed and upset at him for about a day for that.

I would feel a bit annoyed when he would wake up earlier than me, and he wouldnt offer to make me a cup of tea or offer to make me breakfast. I would say things like I wish u were a better boyfriend sometimes. He would then look at me with reproachful, guilty and sad eyes.

He is just very straightforward, rather unromantic, no nonsense kind of guy. he tries his best, but he doesnt know how to please me i guess. But at the same time, I love all the other things about him that I feel is rare in other men.

firefly123, you sound like a basket case. I'd be annoyed if I were in your boyfriend's shoes too. The difference is, I might not have fronted you the money though, leaving you to pay for the late fee outright. I mean, at the end of the day I might have fronted you the money, if it meant you'd be stranded otherwise, but I would expect to be paid back too.

It's not that hard to make a flight. Get up a little earlier so you can leave for the airport on time!

I think overall, you have unrealistic expectations for how your partner is supposed to handle it when you are being too dramatic and irresponsible, and you need to grow up.

Edited January 19, 2017 by ReformedPUA

January 19, 2017

I will cry if I don't feel like he is giving me the comfort that I need.

for example, when we missed a flight because I was very bad at timing, he was annoyed. I felt upset that he was annoyed, cos I expected him to brush it off, and calm me down and say it doesnt matter. he paid the airline for the late fee, and I paid him back, but I felt like he shouldnt have taken my money and should have said that it didnt matter, things like these happen. I felt annoyed and upset at him for about a day for that.

I really think its a compatibility issue. I tend to be on the more rational / logical side myself.

If my partner made us late, made us miss a flight and caused additional expense, yeah, I would be pretty pissed off. I bet he is like me, and puts a heavy importance promptness....

And if *I* caused us to be late, miss a flight - I would be apologizing profusely, and expect to pay any additional expense - I would NOT expect to be comforted, or brush it off like it didn't matter. To me it would matter.

You sound like you need a lot of re-assurance, and he doesn't sound like the kind of man that can provide that.

January 19, 2017

huh - just read your other post. So you are thinking about marrying him, relocating countries, and starting a family with him?

Did you decide who will be relocating?

Are you ready to give up all that you said you didn't want to give up - because he is inflexible and fails to see things from your side?

What sort of parent do you think he would be? Do you foresee him being there and comforting you through those long sleepless nights with a crying baby?

Yes it is the same guy.

He doesnt want to move to the UK, and I am still on the fence about moving to the USA. I will happily say yes when I am with him, but then out of the blue I will say no. I have done this quite a few times, and finally on Monday he said that he couldnt deal with my wavering and indecision anymore, and said he wanted someone he could rely on. I explained all the reasons why it was so hard for me to make a decision. He has tried to persuade me to like the idea of Seattle. He said that he would try and support me as best he could with his salary even if I couldnt get a job. he said all he wanted was for me to be happy, and he was worried that if i couldnt adapt or I was unhappy there, then it would affect our relationship. He said that it all came down to how well I believed I could adapt to a new country. He said maybe I would like Seattle if i went. But I cried, and I said that I knew I wouldnt like it as much as the UK.

He didnt speak to me for a few days, perhaps we have broken up, Im not sure. But now I am not in contact with him, the reasons I wanted to be in the UK (the food and the culture, and holidays in Europe) just dont have the same meaning anymore if I can't share it with him. I'm not a very adventurous person anyway, so he brought me out of my shell. If he isnt here, I doubt the food, the culture, the holidays I would enjoy anyway.

My friend today also said that he had been to Seattle and it was beautiful and I would love it there. He said it was dumb that I would turn down a chance to move if i didnt know what it was like. So now Im confused!!

January 19, 2017

I will cry if I don't feel like he is giving me the comfort that I need.

for example, when we missed a flight because I was very bad at timing, he was annoyed. I felt upset that he was annoyed, cos I expected him to brush it off, and calm me down and say it doesnt matter. he paid the airline for the late fee, and I paid him back, but I felt like he shouldnt have taken my money and should have said that it didnt matter, things like these happen. I felt annoyed and upset at him for about a day for that.

I would feel a bit annoyed when he would wake up earlier than me, and he wouldnt offer to make me a cup of tea or offer to make me breakfast. I would say things like I wish u were a better boyfriend sometimes. He would then look at me with reproachful, guilty and sad eyes.

He is just very straightforward, rather unromantic, no nonsense kind of guy. he tries his best, but he doesnt know how to please me i guess. But at the same time, I love all the other things about him that I feel is rare in other men.

How old are you both?

Gotta admit that I would have stared blankly if you cried at breaking your phone too.

He won't have a clue what time you might be happy to wake up which is likely why he doesn't make a cup of tea or breakfast - he could be in the wrong and you'd be upset if he did that an hour early and you were still sleepy - he'd probably be in trouble for being inconsiderate to your need for sleep.

No one is a mind reader.

Plus, your emotions are predominantly yours to deal with - especially over superficial things such as you have described here.

You two sound supremely incompatible.

Just end it asap.

January 19, 2017

I really think its a compatibility issue. I tend to be on the more rational / logical side myself.

If my partner made us late, made us miss a flight and caused additional expense, yeah, I would be pretty pissed off. I bet he is like me, and puts a heavy importance promptness....

And if *I* caused us to be late, miss a flight - I would be apologizing profusely, and expect to pay any additional expense - I would NOT expect to be comforted, or brush it off like it didn't matter. To me it would matter.

You sound like you need a lot of re-assurance, and he doesn't sound like the kind of man that can provide that.

Yup, I need a lot of reassurance and support. I often say that to my bf. He said he has noticed that Im quite emotionally high maintenance, and he said he wasnt sure he could provide that, but he would try.

I feel like other people I see are very reassuring (i work with hospital doctors) so I dont know why he cant be like that. to me its the norm not the exception to be kind, forgiving and caring all the time.

January 19, 2017

How old are you both?

Gotta admit that I would have stared blankly if you cried at breaking your phone too.

He won't have a clue what time you might be happy to wake up which is likely why he doesn't make a cup of tea or breakfast - he could be in the wrong and you'd be upset if he did that an hour early and you were still sleepy - he'd probably be in trouble for being inconsiderate to your need for sleep.
No one is a mind reader.
Plus, your emotions are predominantly yours to deal with - especially over superficial things such as you have described here.

You two sound supremely incompatible.
Just end it asap.

We are super incompatible emotionally, but physically, and interests wise we are! and when we are both happy, its great I dont know if needing a lot of TLC is a problem? Is it me being too emotional or is it him being too unemotional?

I am 30 next month and he is 40.5 years old.

i really want to settle down with him though. and the thought of him not being in my life is depressing. I am thinking about him all the time at work. to try and cheer myself up I will think of all those ways we arent compatible and make myself feel less depressed. But them the thought of not finding someone I love as much is also depressing!!!

Edited January 19, 2017 by firefly123

January 19, 2017

for example, when we missed a flight because I was very bad at timing, he was annoyed. I felt upset that he was annoyed, cos I expected him to brush it off, and calm me down and say it doesnt matter. he paid the airline for the late fee, and I paid him back, but I felt like he shouldnt have taken my money and should have said that it didnt matter, things like these happen. I felt annoyed and upset at him for about a day for that.

I would feel a bit annoyed when he would wake up earlier than me, and he wouldnt offer to make me a cup of tea or offer to make me breakfast. I would say things like I wish u were a better boyfriend sometimes. He would then look at me with reproachful, guilty and sad eyes.

Re the missed plane - as it was your fault, it was completely correct that you should pay the fee. And you should be able to calm yourself down and not rely on him. And these things DON'T happen if you pay more attention to timing.

Telling him he's a bad boyfriend for not thinking to make you a cup of tea is a terrible thing to do. Here's a thought: when you feel him getting up, ask nicely if he'd bring you a cuppa in an hour or so. And when he does it, thank him and tell him what a great guy he is. Then he's more likely to do it again.

Anyway, I agree that the two of you are very incompatible. If you move to the US, I predict you will be unhappy and you will cry a lot and need him to comfort you but he will give you practical advice instead. It will be a disaster in the making.

January 19, 2017

Is it me being too emotional or is it him being too unemotional?

Honestly? It's you who is too emotional. You really need to learn to self soothe.

January 19, 2017

We are super incompatible emotionally, but physically, and interests wise we are! and when we are both happy, its great I dont know if needing a lot of TLC is a problem? Is it me being too emotional or is it him being too unemotional?
I am 30 next month and he is 40.5 years old.

i really want to settle down with him though. and the thought of him not being in my life is depressing. I am thinking about him all the time at work. to try and cheer myself up I will think of all those ways we arent compatible and make myself feel less depressed. But them the thought of not finding someone I love as much is also depressing!!!

My apologies, I thought you were 18 ish.

Yes, I would say you are very emotional over things which - well - don't sweat the small stuff.

If he is realising this (and I think the blank stare is saying he is) he will be walking on eggshells with you. That's no fun in a relationship.

You need to become an adult for yourself but also for those around you.

You gotta keep you good - just as I am sure you would expect him not to cry if he broke his phone.

January 19, 2017

Honestly? It's you who is too emotional. You really need to learn to self soothe.

Haha I have definitely learnt better how to self soothe, or at least not be so dependent on my other half to reassure me.

Before this bf, I had my first bf. He was great at soothing me, but I still had complete melt downs. Now I dont have these melt downs as I've grown older. y first bf used to call them 'my depths of despair moments'. I did dentistry at uni, so it was a really tough course. My first bf knew how to manage me, by trying to remove all those things that made me feel sad. I once cried the entire night, cos I was feeling annoyed he always left his socks on the floor and I had to pick them up for 3 years!! I would also cry about my worries about having children, and how my body would change etc....

LOL typing this out makes me sound like a drama queen, but I'm quite calm normally to everyone else who knows me!!!

January 19, 2017

My apologies, I thought you were 18 ish.
Yes, I would say you are very emotional over things which - well - don't sweat the small stuff.
If he is realising this (and I think the blank stare is saying he is) he will be walking on eggshells with you. That's no fun in a relationship.

You need to become an adult for yourself but also for those around you.
You gotta keep you good - just as I am sure you would expect him not to cry if he broke his phone.

Haha, yeah I guess I grew up slowly. My first bf treated me like a baby, and I've always been assumed by strangers to be about 22 cos i look really young.

January 19, 2017

Well he is in tech right? And you are used to doctors.

One is a profession choose by people who wish to help and nurture others.

The other is a field predominanted by engineers and like minded, rational, extremely logical types. I know, we have thousands of them here, and they tend to be a different breed.

How do you think you would feel living in a strange place, with no family or friends nearby, and nothing but your cold BF to sooth you?

Also, I hate to be a bubble burster, while the cost of living is much better is Washington than it is here in the bay area (tech hub), a 100k a year isn't much for two people to live off of, especially a family to live off of.

Seattle is feeling the squeeze from the tech boom as well. The average price of a home there is over $650,000. The average mortgage is $3,000 a month. By the time you consider the extra $600 a month for property taxes, losing a good 35+% of his income to taxes - suddenly$100,000 a year isn't that much any more.

Something else to consider if you are still contemplating relocation.

January 19, 2017

Could he possibly be on the spectrum? Folks with autism are very logical and sometimes don't understand the intricacies of how to deal with other's emotions. They see a problem and try to come up with a solution (e.g. Let's get your phone fixed.) instead of dealing with the underlying feelings associated with it (e.g. Oh, man, that really sucks!).

My son is on the spectrum. I also suspect my boyfriend might be as well. With them I have to be precise with my words with what I want.

My ex-boyfriend, although not on the spectrum, was highly logical. Even though I point-blank told him what I needed (e.g. When I'm sad, I just want to vent. I don't need advice.). He straight-up told me he couldn't do that for me. Hence, him being my now ex-boyfriend.

If your boyfriend is a good guy for the most part, you have to ask yourself if his lack of emotional comfort is something you can live with.

January 19, 2017

LOL typing this out makes me sound like a drama queen, but I'm quite calm normally to everyone else who knows me!!!

My last relationship was with a woman that behaved similar to what you have been describing in this thread. She also hid this behavior from everyone but me. It was an emotionally exhausting relationship and I ended it solely due to these issues.

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Does it matter if he has a low EQ, if he is a good man inside?

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