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Boyfriend Doesn't Like to Travel or Want me to Travel


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Old 17th January 2017, 11:30 AM   #1
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Boyfriend Doesn't Like to Travel or Want me to Travel

Traveling is a big part of my life. I lived abroad in Spain for awhile and I go back to visit my friends yearly or twice a year, if I'm lucky. I've been dating a guy for almost 6 months. When I was in Spain in November, he was very distant and I could tell his texts were short and he was angry at me for leaving (for 10 days). When I returned, everything was back to normal.

I expressed interest in going to Europe again this coming May. He immediately shut down and got really quiet. Finally, he told me he doesn't like me traveling out of the country alone with people he hasn't met. (My European friends)

I have to add that because he is an undocumented immigrant, he can't travel out of the country, otherwise I would have invited him along, of course. If we are going to be serious and continue this relationship, he needs to understand that travel is a big part of who I am.

I've never let another person dictate what I do or where I go. But on the flipside, maybe I would be a bit worried if HE were to travel without me. Do I need to put myself in his shoes and compromise?

Or do I just book my trip? Or do I talk to him again and explain what this means to me. I don't want to start a fight or hurt his feelings. I don't want him to think I am disregarding his feelings.
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Old 17th January 2017, 11:37 AM   #2
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So... it's not so much that he doesn't LIKE to travel as it is he CANNOT travel due to his illegal status.

Personally I don't like people telling me what I can and cannot do. And I would not stop travelling for anyone. However, you have a bit of a pickle there, as he cannot travel with you. So you also have to contend with the fact that you can't go on holidays together... Is that something you're prepared to deal with forever??
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Old 17th January 2017, 11:39 AM   #3
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If travelling is important to you, this needs to be sorted out now. What is he worried about? What are his fears, issues? Is it for your safety, or does he not trust you. If so, why? And are there ways you can make him more comfortable while you are away? Like giving him access to your email or something...not that I recommend that really.

Is there any way he can become a legal citizen?
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Old 17th January 2017, 11:40 AM   #4
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I've never let another person dictate what I do or where I go. But on the flipside, maybe I would be a bit worried if HE were to travel without me. Do I need to put myself in his shoes and compromise?
First "He** no!

No truly good relationship can ever survive if their partner limits their will, desires and freedoms allow them to be ďwholeĒ

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He immediately shut down and got really quiet
Donít ever let a man dictate your path in life. Find someone that enhances your life not diminishes it.

Shutting down is something a child does in the hopes his tantrum manipulates your mindset. Donít engage. NEVER reward this behavior. Life is too short.
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Old 17th January 2017, 11:40 AM   #5
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I suggest you book your trips and travel as usual. It's not your fault that he's undocumented and can't travel - you are already taking risks and have limited options with him for your future (unless you legally move to his country of origin; and from where he can travel legally).
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Old 17th January 2017, 12:10 PM   #6
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I am sure he is not controlling only concerning your traveling. This is the tip of an iceberg you do not want to deal with.
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Old 17th January 2017, 12:14 PM   #7
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OP, I'm surprised this isn't a dealbreaker for you since you're so very into traveling.
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Old 17th January 2017, 12:57 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by rubia73 View Post
I have to add that because he is an undocumented immigrant, he can't travel out of the country,
Why is he undocumented ie illegal, and why have you got yourself mixed up with him?

If travelling is a big part of your life, then you will never be happy with a man who wants to limit your activities and who sulks and gets angry when he doesn't get his own way.

I am with Gaeta, he is displaying signs of being controlling.
Before you know it you will be cancelling trips in order to please him and stay in his good books.
Finally you will not arrange any trips away or you will need his "permission" to go anywhere. You will continually want to keep the peace, you will not want to rock the boat. He will emotionally blackmail you into staying at home.
You will justify this to yourself by saying he loves you so much he doesn't want you to be unsafe. YOU will tell yourself that you do not really want to go on any trips away anyway.
YOU will just stay at home where he can keep an eye on you...
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Old 17th January 2017, 1:07 PM   #9
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He is a control freak and an illegal immigrant. Why are you with him?

What do you get out of this?

What sort of future are you going to have? You cant marry he'll have to provide papers.

One day he will get caught and deported and that's your relationship over.
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Old 17th January 2017, 1:15 PM   #10
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Why not just chalk it up to being incompatible and be done? It's one of the major differences around which there is no working around.

His views and your views are different on this and non of you are ready to compromise on it. No big deal.
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Old 17th January 2017, 1:41 PM   #11
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For me travel is very important as well. I don't think I'd want to be with someone long term who was unable to travel. (although that is a huge distinction as compared to not wanting to travel.)

As for the controlling aspect I can see it a bit from his perspective. I wouldn't be all over my SO going on extended vacations with people I didn't know... are they of mixed sex?
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Old 17th January 2017, 4:43 PM   #12
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update

We had a long conversation about this. He brought it up and apologized to me, saying he didn't know how much the travel aspect meant to him.

To clarify, he is in the process of becoming a citizen but it is a LONG process. It is not simply that he cannot travel, he also does not enjoy it, and prefers to stay home. He has told me he trusts me and wants to me to experience things I enjoy doing, even if he doesn't. He said he would go on trips with me when he is able, even if its not his favorite thing to do.
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Old 17th January 2017, 4:49 PM   #13
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I think you are downplaying the issue, because you got some negative comments about his immigration status.

To me, enjoying travel is a really, really important aspect to how someone lives their life. It would be one thing if you were indifferent to it. Then you probably could deal with a partner who actively dislikes it.

But, you are describing two European trips in half a year. That means you definitely have the "travel bug". Which I totally get! Travel is amazing!

All I'm saying is that, even if you tamp down your activities until he gets his papers, the fact that he will be gritting his teeth while travelling will not make for a happy companion for you.

In addition, his passive-aggressive behaviour over Christmas is not a good sign, though it is somewhat positive that you have started to talk about it. Just...don't kid yourself about what you are willing to change.
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Old 17th January 2017, 4:49 PM   #14
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OP, I live in the US.
Maybe you're more immigrant paperwork savvy than me, but how does an undocumented illegal immigrant become legal? Does that simply mean he came here on a Visa and that Visa expired, which I can understand, though I'd still be scared sh*tless if I was in that situation? If you plan on being with him long-term, please please become an expert in immigration law if you're not already one.

As for your question, I love traveling, and a lifestyle of 0 (abroad) travel is not sustainable for me. Heck, even (if) when I have kids, I plan to haul them with me as long as they're old enough to walk - hell yeah, spend all that energy walking the whole day so you can sleep well at night, kid I think the most important question is, how long does it generally take someone in his status to be able to travel with you abroad? I've been there so I know how variable (and frustrating) immigration timeline can be, but you should have a general idea. Is it 1-2 years? 3-5? 8-10? And ask yourself how long is it sustainable for you to skip your traveling abroad?

It's a tough situation to be in. If I was with someone who couldn't travel abroad with me, even if he's willing to let me go by myself, I'd feel bad leaving him at home, of course. If it comes to the worst, you may just have to tell him it's extremely important for you to travel (I have serious longings for certain places), and if he can't compromise, then you'll be very unhappy in a relationship with him. See how he responds to that. A decent, loving man, while not happy about your traveling alone, will come to the acceptance of letting you go so you can come back a happy woman, or keep you at home and have a bitter woman by his side.
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Old 17th January 2017, 4:55 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by anna121 View Post
I think you are downplaying the issue, because you got some negative comments about his immigration status.

To me, enjoying travel is a really, really important aspect to how someone lives their life. It would be one thing if you were indifferent to it. Then you probably could deal with a partner who actively dislikes it.

But, you are describing two European trips in half a year. That means you definitely have the "travel bug". Which I totally get! Travel is amazing!

All I'm saying is that, even if you tamp down your activities until he gets his papers, the fact that he will be gritting his teeth while travelling will not make for a happy companion for you.

In addition, his passive-aggressive behaviour over Christmas is not a good sign, though it is somewhat positive that you have started to talk about it. Just...don't kid yourself about what you are willing to change.


I am not downplaying it all- it is definitely a hurdle that we need to cross and he's made the first step by bringing it up that he was wrong to act that way. I don't think this issue is over, but its a step in the right direction. And I'm not perfect either- yes the behavior isn't ideal, but I've acted jealous and petty at times. Everyone has their issues and if a relationship is meant to work out, people compromise and learn to fix or deal with their own insecurities.
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