Need a females perspective from those who identify as a socially awkward female...

[JacksonWest]

Hello,

So, I am 34 and I am trying to get advice on this female (27). I have been interacting with this girl since June. She is very shy and socially awkward. It is like she is afraid of me, but tries to be around me or in my social setting if that makes sense. I am trying to get advice from girls that relate to being socially awkward. I am shy as well and do not have the history of dating that the average person my age probably has, but I am beyond confused with this girl and how to approach her/maker her feel comfortable. I have never seen anything like this. I am not only getting mixed messages. I am getting extremely mixed messages. I apologize in advance at the length of the post!

 

She and I both work at the same large institution (in different locations, so we very rarely see each other at our jobs). We are both big sports fans, which is how we kind of met and started talking. I have known her since June 2016. When we were first talking, she didn't appear to be nervous or anything. We talked about sports, so she was comfortable. June is pretty much the only time I see her at work and it definitely seemed like she was watching me. I was trying to make an attempt to get to know her a little more and tried to get a group of people together for dinner. She showed, along with me and another coworker. This time, she was much quieter. She was nervous and I could see how shy she was. Once my coworker left, she asked for a ride back to her car (she had walked). I gave her a ride and noticed that she was extremely nervous to the point that she randomly stopped at a car thinking it was mine (she had never seen my car) and blushed like she was mortified. The next day, one of her married coworkers saw my coworker at a city concert and I asked if I was there as well. I had talked to this coworker once and never went to one of these city concerts before, so it is odd that she would be asking about me, but she was with her, so I think that had something to do with it. We both had summer vacations, so we were both out of the area for a few weeks. I had invited her to different things, but she seemed to be busy whenever I asked or gave weird answers. One time, I was with another coworker of hers at a weekly trivia outing. I had mentioned something about going with a group of people to a game in another state and she had suggested I invite this girl. I mentioned that I am not sure I am not annoying her, but the coworker said no and said that she just takes a long time to get comfortable around people and proceeded to give me tips to talk to her (I.e. talk sports).

 

I started to notice she was entering my social circle more. She had only gone to trivia once, but after I mentioned I go, she started to go. If I asked her, she would be “busy”, but would show up to things like this. One day, she asked my male coworker (married) to watch a game. I was out of town that weekend. That seemed odd to me, as my coworker was married and it was difficult to get her to go to events. Well, my coworker informed me that she asked about my dating life. She asked if I date a lot and if I am in a good place to date. She apparently asked “several” questions about me. This was on a Saturday. The following Thursday, I had a party at my house. She was the last one to leave and was cuddled in one of my blankets on my couch. Once people left, she seemed to be flustered again and nervous. I tried talking to her and she would barely say a word. I wanted to ask her out, but just didn't as she was so nervous. The following Saturday, I got it in my mind to ask her out. Since she was so shy, I thought I would message her. She responded with: I am in the middle of getting back with my ex, so it would not be fair to him to accept your offer. Three days later, I went to trivia and she was there. I was expecting it to be awkward, but she was very talkative and seemed to be more in my space than normal. Her coworker just kind of stayed back and let us talk. The next Saturday (1 week after I asked her), she texted my coworker again to check about watching a game. He was out of town though, so he did not. If he were in town, I would likely be watching the game with him. I did send her a message telling her that I hoped I did not make her uncomfortable and that I still enjoyed doing the group outings. I invited her to a couple of events again and she always seemed to act like she was busy or told me to remind her of the games in a few weeks. When that time came, I told her that I was having trouble understanding if she wanted to be invited to these. When I did, she responded with she is free Thursday and could go to the game with me and my coworkers that week. I told her that we were going out to eat first and would let her know if people stayed at the bar to watch the game, but she almost invited herself to go. She knows those coworkers, but has only talked to them once or a couple of times, so I am sure it was hard for her to go with her nerves. The next week, we were going to watch a game. My coworker got sick, so he could not go. She brought one of her coworkers and stayed late that night. She was definitely comfortable that time. The next time, other people bailed, so it was just the two of us. She seemed nervous, but she stayed for 3 hours. She was starting to mimic (admittedly awkwardly) things I had said and seemed like whatever I disliked, she started to dislike and whatever I liked, she started to like. I had an unusual discussion about my career plans. Something was brought up about me leaving the job and she recommended a place close to where I live and was giving the impression that she wanted me close.

 

We hung out 5 of the next 6 weeks (the only week being the week of Thanksgiving), usually with other people around. She also asked about watching a game the one night. Up until that point, I had to initiate the contact and invites. Yet, during that time she bumped into a couple of my coworkers and she invited them to hang out with her at a class. During our trips to the bar, she started to eat my fries. She just kind of helped herself to those, but only with mine. I would get a pack of gum out and she would just grab a piece. It seemed like she was getting more comfortable with me and was not acting like a friend. But, when she would get close, it seemed like she would pull away. I saw her on campus at an institution wide meeting and she got nervous when she saw me. We had another one a couple of weeks later and it was like she was trying not to acknowledge me. The one time we were together I had to go back to the parking lot (a few blocks away) at night. She wanted my coworker to go with me and seemed to be worried about me. After she left, my coworker was talking about how nervous she was when I was gone and that she was over the top worried about my safety.

 

When I was having a group of people around, it seemed like she needed somebody around, but at the same time would be trying to get into my inner circle. She would ask if anybody else was going, but when they would go, her attention would be on me. She wanted my opinion on things like she was trying to get my approval. The holiday season came, so we were both gone for a couple of weeks. I sent her a couple of messages, but never got a lengthy response. She was with friends during Thanksgiving. She was with friends/family during Christmas and we messaged New Years Eve, so I am assuming she was just with friends then.

 

There is no indication at all that she really was with the ex anymore or ever was and she is not treating me like a friend. Last week, I sent her a message inviting her again and got another unusual answer. I asked her if she still wanted to be invited to these and that I was struggling to tell if she wanted to be invited. This takes me to yesterday. A few of us were going to the bar again. The others bailed, so it was just her and I. She asked if others were going and I said I doubted. She ended up still going and seemed fine with that. She seemed much more comfortable and had an easier time talking. She seemed to be having fun. Well, one of her coworkers ended up being there and came over to say hi. She got really nervous that she saw us together there. She did seem to come out of it, but she was nervous enough that she could not even remember her coworker's husband”s name. I mentioned something to her that she can invite other people to these, but she said she did not want to because she has trust issues. She has lived in this city for a long time and knows quite a few people, but hardly ever takes her friends. I thought I was making progress with her being able to go with it just being the two of us. She mentioned the trust issues, so I assumed that she is starting to trust me if she is willing to share this. However, today it was just the two of us going and she said she could not make it today after she found that out.

 

So....this girl is asking about my dating life....wanting to hang out with my friends...wants input in where I look for jobs.... eats my food...worries about me... asks about me whenever she is with my coworkers.....her friends are asking about me....

 

But, she always gives me weird answers when I invite her to things, even though she is able to contact my coworkers... I have given my phone number to her a couple of times, but she uses facebook messenger to contact me and I don't have her phone number.....She has asked four of my coworkers to hang out.

 

My coworker that keeps getting thrust into this is lost as she is showing signs of interest toward me, but as he put it “it is like she is not giving me a chance”. I am not treated like a friend. I am not treated like a colleague. I am not treated like a boyfriend. I am just being and have been treated differently.

 

I just need some advice. It almost comes across as her playing me, but then I know how shy she is and it doesn't seem like she could do that. I thought that maybe I was the “just in case guy”, but again, she is so awkward that I just don't think it fits. She is just so introverted, so I am having a hard time figuring out why she avoids me.

[JacksonWest]

Is it common to feel like you are being kept close, but pushed away when you are talking to a girl with anxiety? I am getting a lot of mixed signals....

[BlackCherry]

Why do you even like this girl? She doesn't seem into you, doesn't initiate seeing you, and when you clearly expressed your interest she told you no (whether the ex was made up or not isn't the point, you showed her you were interested in dating and she declined).

 

All I can think is that you are into the thrill of the chase. I'm struggling to see what it is about her you're actually into, she seems like incredibly hard work. Even if it was anxiety and you were okay with it, I don't get the sense you've had many deep conversations or got to know her very well in the past six months?

 

The sort of stuff she's done just sounds like what friends would do (talk about you to others, mention you should stick around the area etc). I would look at your own motivations here and why you're so interested in a girl that's giving you next to nothing back and very little encouragement or interest.

[Tread Carefully]

I think that she can't read you either because she doesn't have much experience. People with anxiety tend to over think EVERYTHING. The best course of action here, imo, is to get her one on one in private and be bold. Tell her straight up no games and in as few words as possible how you feel and exactly what you want. And then ask her how she feels about that. So many people play games and look for signals and signs when in reality, honesty and forth rightness is your best friend.

 

She will appreciate your candor. Plus, the fewer words you use the less she has to overthink about later. Good luck. If she is like I think she is, you'll be pleasantly surprised by her answers.

[JacksonWest]

She is hard to read and hard work for sure. It seems like she goes in waves... She gets confidence, then she does not. She opens up to me, then gets quiet. I definitely do not like the thrill of the chase. I am actually the opposite. I had never even come close to putting this much work into pursuing somebody. I have always given up at this point, but the way she acts is different.

 

I am in no way treated like a friend. When we go out as a group, her attention is on me. When I am not there, I am the topic of discussion. She is by far the most anxious person I have seen, though. Whenever she is with me, she blushes. It is like she needs to know what the situation is in advance. If she randomly sees me in public, she gets nervous, but the next day we are at the bar sharing a basket of fries. I am confused, my coworkers are confused. My friends are confused. I think even her coworkers are confused, based on what I have heard. I do know that when she was asking about my dating life, she discussed her difficulties with dating with my coworker.

 

I have tried to be a little more direct. It works right after I am direct, then she gets quiet again. It seems like I make strides, then she gets nervous again. I probably am not the easiest to read, but I keep trying to find things to invite her to and try to get her more comfortable. I know she enjoys hanging out with me, because she has said that to me and my friends. She now invites or tries to invite my friends and spends that time asking about me. My hunch is that she is just that anxious and she freaks out. The one day she told her friend she could not make it to trivia because she was sick. A few minutes later she came in (healthy) and was apparently in the parking lot when she wrote that she was sick, so I know she gets nervous.

[JacksonWest]

She has opened up to me on other topics. Her and I both have sick family members (my mom and her aunt), so we have discussed that. She shares information with me that she does not share with my other coworkers and that seems to be increasing. I am still stumped on her comment about how she doesn't invite her friends with us because she has trust issues.

[Tread Carefully]

Maybe her trust issue regarding her friends is because one of them is more outgoing than her and she fears you'll fall for the friend. It's probably happened before.

 

Yes, she has insecurities and anxieties but I give her a lot of credit because she is trying and pushing herself. She likes you. She wouldn't be blushing around you if she didn't. I am a frequent blusher around guys I like too. My reason is probably different than hers....I blush whenever I start thinking dirty and that makes me blush more. LOL

 

You have nothing to lose by being straight forward honest with her. Keep it simple. "I like you and I'd like to date you one on one. I think you're fantastic, beautiful, fun (insert appropriate adjectives) and I think we could have some nice times together. How about we go to xyz together, by ourselves, on abc?" And say this in person face to face with eye contact. Her honest reaction will come stumbling out. If she says yes, then keep everything light and easy up to the date. Her anxiety will build closer to the date but your persistence and perseverance will prevail. She will want to say no at the last minute and then you say this...

"Awww, no, what am I going to do with all of these beautiful flowers I've gotten? And I'm already on my way so I might as well bring them to you."

(And actually have the freaking flowers with you, haha) When she sees you at her door, flowers in hand, her anxiety will relent and you give her a hug and say hey, we still have time to catch the xyz, let's go. Or we could spend time in since we're already at your place.

 

She doesn't want you to flake on her. She wants to know that you mean what you say and that you follow through. After you pass the threshold into her life, I guarantee you that she will be one of the best people you will ever come to know. Introverts are awesome, they just take time and a lil extra care. I would bet money that she is an INFJ. Google it

[smackie9]

The best way to interact with someone like this is distraction or divert attention to calm down their anxiety. I do this by asking about their life, things that they have done, funny stories about growing up...and then let them talk.

[JacksonWest]

I never thought about that, her being afraid because of a friend possibly stealing a guy in the past. It seems like she has different zones of people that don't interact. The one day I was in town at a concert and was with her and her friend. She did not talk much. The friend talked more than she did. I don't see many of her friends. The 2nd time I did, it seemed like her other friend already knew who I was.

 

I am pretty sure she does not even like the coworker that goes with us (he tends to talk...a LOT, so neither of us get the chance to talk) and she seems to be having more fun when it is just the two of us, but when it comes time to meet, it is like she has to make sure somebody else is there.

 

I have tried to talk to her a few times and bring the subject up, but she gets extremely nervous when the conversation starts. To be honest, I felt like at the time I asked her out, I should have waited. Under usual circumstances it felt like the time, but since she was so nervous and introverted, it didn't seem quite time. I just know she had been asking my coworker about me and asking personal questions, so he was getting uncomfortable with those or how to answer those and I wanted to get her to approach me about it. If she was with an ex, I cannot imagine she would be doing the things she is doing and acting the way she is acting. She said it would be unfair to the ex to accept my offer, but two days before that she was alone, on my couch at night, wrapped in my blanket. I think the ex was an excuse to give more time.

 

I did make my blunder back in August. I was having a rough week of work and made a comment about having one of those days that makes me want to look for a job. So, maybe she is afraid of me leaving. I have tried to make sure she knows I am not looking for a job, but when it comes up and she says if i do leave, she has a specific place she has recommended, which is close to us. Since she does work at the same institution, maybe she is afraid of getting into a relationship with a colleague.

 

I am an introvert as well, but am much better than I was 10 years ago. I am trying to work on myself with that issue as well, especially since I am the outgoing one. I am usually the passive one.

[JacksonWest]

I am trying to get her into safe spaces. She really opened up when it was just her, her coworker and I. But, she doesn't invite them to the events. For some reason, she seems afraid of them being around as well. She has been in this town more than I have and she knows a lot more people than me, but she never invites people and wants me to invite my people so there are others.

 

I have even thought that maybe something traumatic happened to her in the past or somebody pushed her too fast, so I try to get her to meet in public places.

[Tread Carefully]

That thought crossed my mind too, about a traumatic event. But she was comfortable at your place, in YOUR space, alone at night. If she hadn't of felt safe, she would've been gone.

 

So her space is private. I get that because I am like that too. Maybe she thinks like I do. She doesn't know what to do with you in her space. How to entertain you, etc, basically how to control the situation while making sure you're having a good time but also finding that balance of no sex yet. When she's in your space she doesn't have to worry about that because the control falls to you. Except the sex part, haha.

 

She has trust issues for sure and there's probably a good reason behind that. But she has come a long way. You know this or you would've given up already.

 

When she's with her friends, they are the talkers and she is the thinker. She lets them take the lead and that is not going to change. She does really like you or it wouldn't bother her to bring her friends along all the time. Don't give up on her yet, she's worth it. Do what I said, softly confront (NOT in front of others) and make your intentions known. The worst thing that can happen is she goes into quiet thinking process mode for awhile and decides what she wants. And for goodness sakes, give the girl flowers! Maybe she thinks you friendzoned her because she can't read you as well either. Flowers score major points and "just friends" don't do that trick.

[JacksonWest]

She has come a long way. She trust me to some degree, since she shares some secrets with me. Her space is private. She does not typically bring her friends. She relies on my friends to be there. So, what you are saying makes a lot of sense. She is wanting me to be in control and take the initiative and make the plans. Except for the sex part like you said...lol.... On that topic, my hunch (and a couple of female friends that have seen her) is that she is a virgin. (I didn't ask them for their input, but they shared their observations). So, I am trying to show ways that in no way do I need or want her to rush that if that is indeed true. She is just adorable, so I am trying to make sure she knows I am safe.

 

I am trying to emphasize the things we have in common (which I honestly have never had as much in common as I have with her). She has made a lot of progress. She makes a big jump, then takes a couple of steps back.

 

I have definitely been keeping track of things she likes and dislikes. She is a tomboy, so it came up in a previous conversation that she doesn't like flowers. She is obsessed with Starbucks... Country music.... football jerseys.... lol.

[JacksonWest]

One of the most confusing things is why she is texting my married/male coworker. The one weekend I was gone, she texted him to watch a game, but spent most of the time asking about my dating life according to my coworker. The week after I asked her out and she declined, she texted him again. He was out of town, but if he was in town, I would have been watching the game with him and we would have crossed paths. My coworker was a little uncomfortable with her texting him, because he is married. I was a little nervous that maybe she had interest in him since she was texting him, but that was not it. Any thoughts on why she was reaching out to him?

 

And also, it is like I don't exist when her people are around.. I can't believe I am referencing facebook, but she interacts with people from the institution on there, but with me, nothing. It is like you wouldn't be able to tell I exist. Yet, she texts my friends.

Edited January 11, 2017 by JacksonWest

[Tread Carefully]

I had a feeling that she's a virgin too, there are lots of signs that point that direction. Good on you for respecting that and going slow!

 

This might sound strange but I swear it's the truth. She's texting the married guy because he's safe. He's married and that's a boundry she won't cross, therefore he holds no threat to her. I hope that makes sense. And she asks him about you because he's a dude that knows a thing or two about dudes and he's safe, like a brother.

 

As for facebook.... she really is very new to all of this. She is shy and doesn't want to over play her hand by showing interest in you publicly. That leads to questions from others that she doesn't have the answers for yet. Remember in grade school how kids showed they liked one another? By either beating them up or ignoring them. Maybe she just doesn't know what the two of you really are...just friends or xyz.....and she's guarding her heart. If she gets excited online in her personal world about you, that leaves many doors open. Including bringing you to the attention of her friends. You know...the ones she thinks you might like better and the ones that are more aggressive and have played this game longer and better than her?

 

Ok, so she doesn't like flowers. Mmmm, I'm going to call bs on that because she has never been given flowers from a man in a romantic sense. And even if she scoffs, she will indeed appreciate the effort and sentiment behind them. Or you could give her her fav jersey....but that is also something a "friend" would do. If you're not ok with flowers, think of something romantic that doesn't scream friend zoned. Remember old mixed tapes? Burn her a personal CD of songs that make you think about her.

 

You are doing a very good job and it shows in your writing how much you care for her. Keep up the good work. You two are going to be amazing together!

[BeholdtheMan]

It is certainly a good sign that she is entering your circle

[Gloria25]

At my age you'd think I got it down pact, but no, I'm still very socially awkward and it causes guys a lot of confusion. They can't take that I'm so bold - but, they also think I'm playing them or something

 

I think it stems from insecurity and trust issues that I have. So, it's like I'm trying to reach out, but am still scared of rejection.

 

Best think you can do here? Please communicate with her. Reassure her. With recent dude, I'd swing in/out of confidence and awkwardness - in part cuz I wasn't sure how he felt about me. So, I'd get bold and speak to him with courage and even cross the line with my boldness - then, I'd run and hide. But, the more he looked like he was chilling out, the more relaxed I got too. But still, I was kinda hot/cold cuz I didn't feel reassured as to if/what he felt for me.

 

I sometimes wonder if he did the 180 to punish me cuz he thought I was trying to chat up his "bro" - when all I did was ask his "bro" if he was in that day. Really? Why would he think I'd want anything with his "bro". I adored dude. I gave him my tel, showered him with my time/attention...so, why would he think I had my eye on anyone else? So, maybe you're wrong in thinking she's trying to talk to other dudes...dead wrong.

 

Like Tread Carefully said, if you have any doubts - look at how she treats you. I mean gosh, I believe that I did more than enough to let him know I was into him. Sometimes I'd just sit there with him and stare and smile at him. I need to stop thinking about him, I'm gonna get weak again. It's weird, like an electric magnet or something. I wonder if he's thinking of me too. I'm missing him again today but so scared to talk to him cuz not sure if he really was done with me and don't wanna get into any more trouble and/or be embarrassed. But doesn't matter, I can't speak to him for now...they won't let me .

[JacksonWest]

That makes sense that she thinks my coworker is safe. Other people have told me that is probably the reason too. The only bad thing is he is not exactly the best wingman. lol....He does not pick up on signs and tends to answer questions philosophically, so his answers do not always make sense.

 

That makes sense with the facebook stuff as well. It is like I am in this void that I cannot explain. I don't exist in that world, but she hangs out with me. And, I do know that she is private about that sort of stuff. There are resemblances to what it was like dating in high school in this, so this is a unfamiliar territory since this is a little different than other courtships since high school.

 

I am definitely afraid of her thinking I am friendzoning her. I just have never had a situation where I asked a girl out, got declined, but then she started entering my social circle more and wants to hang out with my people more. As my friend said, she never said she was not interested. The only thing I know about the ex is that people have said he is not good for her, but she has known him since high school. I do not think he is around though, because if he is, they are not spending many of the big days (Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Years) around each other.

 

Any time she brings up something she likes, it has been going to the memory bank...lol.. she does like edible arrangements, so that could be an option in lieu of flowers. She may not like flowers, but would still like the thought of getting flowers. Granted, they may die in a week, because she does not have a green thumb but the thought is there. lol

 

She is extremely close to her friends. I am close to my best friend, but she travels a few hours every weekend to go visit her friends. That surprises me. One of my friends did point out one of her posts on facebook... Out of something like 30 likes, all of them were females...Her friends lists are completely dominated by females or gay males. Both of which would be safe for her.

[JacksonWest]

I am working on being braver on how to show my interest. I need to work on being more assertive myself. I do have some trust issues as well based on two previous relationships. Short version: Girl 1 led to me changing my phone number because she was semi-stalking me....Girl 2 was messing around with another guy (and got pregnant).... the rest of my relationships ended very friendly, so I never experienced bad break ups until the last two. So, I actually swore off dating for a while after that happened...This is actually my first attempt since.

 

She is not treating me like a friend. Her attention is on me.... She worries about me.... There is something there...I am just trying to bring it out... It is like she is just trying to get her feet wet to decide and is buying time.

[kassy]

I have a cousin like her, and she is a lovely personwho reallywants a rrelationship and cAnt get up the courage however hard the guy tries. I am amazed you are still trying, and I hope you work it out. How about inviting her on a date to something interactive? So she is not worried about the focus being on the two of you and if you will get physical? Like a theme park or local fair? I also think it would have helped my cousin (who is still single and 40 now) if a guy had. Told her he liked her and wanted to date her but that they could take it as slowly as she was comfortable with. If she has anxiety over conversation image her anxiety levels over sex...Hence the safe married colleague. Best of luck, I hope for you both she can make it work

[JacksonWest]

I have thought about doing something that (theme park idea). My difficulty is that she tends to go out about every weekend with her friends and she is not the point of mixing those groups yet.

 

I will admit, I have had times that I was ready to give up, but I really do have a lot in common with her.

 

Being that she has trust issues, I am thinking about approaching things that way....let her into my life a little more, so she knows some of the personal things about me that other people do not know.

[JacksonWest]

Would it be appropriate or recommended to kind of ask her about the trust issues... Tell her that if she does have anything she needs to talk about, she can tell me. Offer an ear if she needs to talk. I have had trust issues in the past too, so maybe even share my personal situation so she knows I am putting it out there and trust her.

[Tread Carefully]

You can mention that you're a really good listener if she ever needs anyone to talk to. But don't mention specific things. Let her come to you in regards to that. And if she shares anything with you, listen but don't offer ways to "fix it" unless she specifically says something along the lines of 'what would you do' or 'do you have any advice'. Introverts are extremely private and don't welcome intrusion or unwarranted help. But it sure feels good to know that someone cares and is there if there's a need. I think that applies to everyone.

[JacksonWest]

I am going to give a shot...Let her know that she if she needs to talk, I can listen and that it will stay between just the two of us.

[JacksonWest]

Well, that did not work that well. I told her I am here to talk if she needs it.... She said she thinks I over thought what she said and was a little defensive... I am not sure how I overthought it. She said she has trust issues, which is why she does not invite her friends.

 

I actually sent her a message and asked her to talk sometime. I am beyond confused by her. I am starting to have my doubts anything can happen.

[SpiralOut]

If I had to guess, I would say that she likes you but doesn't want to get hurt, which is why she's holding you at arm's length. I've done that many times before.

 

My only advice is don't come on too strong. It sounds like she just made an offhand comment when she mentioned the trust issues. I don't think you should mention it or try and get her talking about it. If you start to see her as someone who needs to be helped or saved, she'll pick up on it and that won't work in your favor.

Edited January 13, 2017 by SpiralOut