I'm back, and he's back at it..still cheating.

[xra]

The title says it all...back in June, I came here looking for advice and support because I found naked photos on my fiance's computer. He had been sending them to random people online, looking for anonymous sex. You all told me to say goodbye, and be strong...but I couldn't do it, I'm ashamed to say. I wanted to believe that there was another explanation. I'm so ****ing stupid.

 

I believed his lies that he was just trying to set up a three-some for the two of us and went behind my back to do it. He swore to me that he made a one-time mistake, that his intentions weren't what they seemed, that he loves me. And I believed all of it. I decided to continue the engagement and we JUST sent the save-the-dates for the wedding today.

 

This evening, my laptop finally kicked the bucket, and I had to use his computer again to send myself some stuff. Sure enough... The first file that pops up is a naked selfie of himself taken last night, when I was out of town...sent to some random email address. A simple google search showed that he owns this new email address and has been trolling the internet for local hookups, sending nudes, asking local girls for oral sex, posting videos of himself...

 

I just can't do this. I don't know how to handle it. It is now irrefutable that he does not love me, does not care enough about our 4-year relationship to stop looking for random sex online. We are applying to graduate programs together, I have changed my entire career path for him.... I have been burned and cheated on before, but never like this. This has been by far my longest relationship, and I truly thought he is the one. Still do.

 

I am so embarrassed. I wish we hadn't sent those save-the-dates today...he worked on the wedding website last night, an hour before he started sending out nudes online (as evidenced by his gmail activity). He really is too stupid to even cover his tracks properly.

 

Has anyone been through something like this before? How do I find the strength to end it? I love him, I truly do. I can't imagine a future without him now. The wedding dress is arriving in the mail in a couple of months, and we were so excited planning everything. We have tickets booked to fly to his parents' house for the holidays again this year. They (who I hoped would be my future in-laws) are such an amazing, kind, loving family...the kind I always wanted. I can't stand the thought of losing all of them, not just him.

 

I am blaming myself too. My sex drive has been low lately, due to some hormonal issues, and I find that we only get intimate once every two weeks or so. I probably pushed him away, and so he went looking for it elsewhere...But I've asked him if he's unsatisfied with our sex life, and he says he's perfectly happy. Do men dissociate sex and love like this? Is this the normal reaction from a guy who feels he doesn't get physically satisfied in his relationship?? (if that is indeed the problem?)

 

God, someone help me please. I'm in a very dark place right now.

[LostOnes05]

You can still end the relationship, you know. If you don't you'll be back here in a few months maybe a year or so, telling us how the reason you can't leave now is because you're pregnant, etc etc. Pack your things and tell him bye. If he can't be true to you then what good is everything else? You'll be losing his family either in a breakup now or a divorce later. Or I guess you can stay and be miserable knowing that he's gonna do whatever, with whomever.

 

I guess some people (men & women) are capable of dissociating love from sex, I've never been that way (I'm a guy). And regardless he is going to be your husband soon, he should be able to communicate to you if he doesn't feel satisfied sexually without seeking it elsewhere. What happens if he gets a woman pregnant during one of his escapades? What if it's a minor on the other end of an email impersonating an adult and their parents find out and contact you guys? Would you wear a parachute you knew had missing straps and holes in it to skydive? If not, why would you stay in a relationship that is obviously missing some important things...like trust and respect. Best wishes on whatever route you choose, but you need to open your eyes before you create more ties with this person.

[elaine567]

Please walk away, this has disaster written all over it. Not only will he bankrupt you, he is now also making a complete fool out of you.

Do you really think he will change?

Of course not.

Hospitals are great places to pick up women especially as he will then be a doctor.

Do not wait around until you have 2 kids and are completely miserable in a sham marriage.

 

Put back the dress, tell your family and get out of this marriage.

This man is NOT marriage material, he is not a suitable man to have children with, he will literally break you and ruin you - if you let him.

The ball is in your court.

[Lorenza]

I can't imagine a future without him now.

 

You can't imagine future without constantly worrying what he's up to this time? Leaving him at home alone knowing he'll be sending nudes to strangers? Wondering if he's actually having sex with other people? Risking STDs? Feeling embaressed and humiliated? Is this what you can't imagine your future without?

 

I'm blaming myself too.

 

Your low sex drive lately has nothing to do with this. It's not like he simply lacks sex so he's looking for it elsewhere (which still isn't a legitimate reason for cheating, nothing is!) he's into some kinky stuff. He likes strangers to watch him and he likes the thrill. Simply having a higher sex drive won't satisfy his needs. Everytime you'll catch him and make him swear to never do it again, he'll sneak right back at doing it. Wonder what his needs for kinkiness will turn into the more bored he gets with you during your marriage.

[AT15]

Based on my experience with a cheater and a deceiver, this type of behavior doesn't change. It only gets worse. And you will never trust him, and you will lose yourself in the anxiety of what he is doing or where he is going every moment. You are already starting to lose your sense of self by questioning your worth? Blaming yourself?

 

If he enters counseling with you it's the only way to stay. But, that's not even a guarantee. I'm sorry, he has done this to you and to himself. It's a bitter pill to swallow.

 

I dated a guy and lived with a man who was always trolling the Internet for new supply. And, he just continued to lie and cheat. Then he finally left me because I became so disillusioned with the relationship. I would always accuse him of cheating, because I was so insecure. I wish I had walked away the very first time he did show the relationship disrespect. Now, 4 years later I am just starting to get over him, STARTING! Why? Because I held on to the dream, the fantasy that he was going to pull it together and change. But change never came. He just found someone new.

 

You don't deserve that type of life. You need to be with someone you trust and respect.

[elaine567]

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

--Maya Angelou

 

You chose not to believe who he really was, you made up love stories in your head about him, and now here we are again...

[lana-banana]

You're not stupid, but marrying him would be. Of course you believed his lies. You love him and that's what people in love do. But this is not the time for self-recrimination. This is the time to rally your loved ones for a very difficult process.

 

The short version goes like this:

 

- Get as much evidence as you can (if you can't get any, fine, but it will help when he does start to cover his tracks)

- Separate all your personal and financial accounts

- Find a safe place to go indefinitely

- Drop the hammer and spend all the wedding money on a luxury girlfriend getaway, a new house, a graduate degree, whatever you want that is purely for you

 

Can some people dissociate sex and love? Absolutely. But the vast majority of people don't use it to justify cheating. His reasons for seeking sex have nothing to do with you. This is not on you. This is him, and you deserve better than to spend your life with a cheater and a liar.

 

Best wishes and feel free to PM if you need someone to chat. We're here for you.

[Satu]

I remember your earlier posts about his behaviour.

 

You should have parted company with him then.

 

I sympathise with your pain, but I just can't see a valid case for staying with him and going through with the wedding.

 

Please don't sign up for an entire lifetime of pain.

 

Be strong and end it.

 

 

Take care.

[zouz71]

Sorry for what you have been through ...

my first remark is that your are sexually incompatible ; he seems to be HD and you are Low desire .

 

I am not defending him , but just stating truth .

 

I am not sure if his cheating is just online or likes sexting ; you haven't calrified this point .

 

 

High desire is killing and drive men insane if the partner is low desire .

this doesn't mean you are not a normal person , but all what i am saying is that you shouldn't get married irrespective if he is actually cheating on you online .

 

Frankly , If you didn't have a problem , his online addiction is not a major issue.

 

but knowing that you are both incompatible means you shouldn't stay with this guy .

 

I have known some couples were they are sexually incompatible but they sacrifice for each other ; which is not your case ; he wouldn't sacrifice his desires and you wouldn't accept that his desires are fulfulled elsewhere .

 

good luck

[Lorenza]

@zouz71

 

my first remark is that your sexually incompatible

 

This is not just incompatibility. He's into some specific things, like putting up pictures of his erected junk on Craigslist. I doubt all men with high sexual drive are into that.

 

if you didn't have a problem, his online addiction is not a major issue

 

Do you seriously believe it stops there? That guy is actively looking for people to sext, it's only a time question when it will become real, if it isn't yet

[xra]

I can't actually tell at this point whether he has physically cheated....I found that he sent naked photos to people online, posted on a forum looking for local women to perform oral sex on, and also posted a graphic video online where he is pleasuring himself to porn.

 

I don't know if any actual physical infidelity has occured...though I could try to find out. He lost my trust and I'm not above playing dirty to find the truth, since I'm sure he will never own up... I'm thinking about installing a keylogger on his computer, as concrete evidence will give me the strength to leave.

 

I've thought about counseling.... he agreed to it before, we just haven't actually started it. I'll certainly need it for myself, after all this. If his cheating hasn't gone past the cybersex kind, maybe it's possible to turn things around?

 

Yes, I realize how stupid I sound, trying to redeem this relationship. But I cannot tell you how difficult it is for me to just walk away right now. Forget the fact that I have no money to move out - he pays the rent and I own all the furniture in our current place. I live far from my family and have almost no friends nearby. Forget the paid-for, non-refundable wedding costs and embarrassment in front of dozens of people who will be getting save-the-dates in the mail in a few days. The bigger issue is, he treats me SO well. He will literally do anything for me, the moment I ask it. He treats everyone around him, whether strangers or family, the same. I never once doubted his love before, and I'm literally trained to detect and evaluate deception and personality disorders / sexual disorders due to my past job in forensic psychology. I know it's always so hard to be objective close to home, but I can't help feeling that this is some kind of sexual deviance that can be diagnosed and treated.

[bachdude]

You are playing with your life, your future, your health, and your future childrens' life, health and future.

 

 

What happens if he passes an STD to your children while you are pregnant, like AIDS?

 

 

If you won't do it for yourself, please do it for your future children.

 

 

To bank on him turning things around is gambling with things that are far too important.

 

 

If he's doing this right before you get married, imagine after 10 years of marriage.

 

 

You still have time to change course before it's too late. Don't squander this opportunity.

[BaileyB]

Fool me once, and that's your fault.

Fool me twice, and it's mine.

 

You need to leave this guy. This is bad news. If you can't find the strength to leave someone who is clearly not treating you well and demonstrating very unhealthy behaviors in the relationship, then something is really wrong.

 

This is not your fault - he chose this behavior so this is on him.

 

But, if you chose to stay with him and allow him to continue to put you at risk, well... Then, there will be no mistake about it that whatever happens will be your fault because you knew better. You need to find the strength and courage to put your own health and wellbeing first. Do not stay with a man who has treated you with such little respect - it will only get worse because one day, he will act on these plans if he hasn't already.

[lana-banana]

I found that he sent naked photos to people online, posted on a forum looking for local women to perform oral sex on, and also posted a graphic video online where he is pleasuring himself to porn...if his cheating hasn't gone past the cybersex kind, maybe it's possible to turn things around?...I can't help feeling that this is some kind of sexual deviance that can be diagnosed and treated.

 

Sure, it could be. Ask Huma Abedin how well that treatment works out.

 

Seriously though. Even if it was a matter of seeking treatment, it's clear he doesn't want it. You already called him on this before. He had a chance to admit it was a problem (if indeed it was a problem). He could have opened up about his sexual needs and tried to find a solution. Instead he doubled down on the lie and continued to deceive you. This is proof that it's not about conflicting sex drives or about anything you did! He never tried to fix things between you because it was never about you. It's all about his desire to cheat and have sex with other women.

 

You cannot fix him. He doesn't want to be fixed. Repeat this as many times as it takes.

 

The major reasons you listed for staying with him are about convenience, reputation, and embarrassment. None of these justify infidelity. What's a couple thousand dollars in sunk wedding costs compared to walking down the aisle and pledging yourself to a man who you know is cheating? How will you be able to sleep when you go out of town and know he's looking for local women to cheat with?

 

He had a chance to reform and he didn't. If you marry him now you will just be showing him that there are no consequences for his behavior. There is no healthy solution that involves continuing this relationship.

[Redhead14]

The title says it all...back in June, I came here looking for advice and support because I found naked photos on my fiance's computer. He had been sending them to random people online, looking for anonymous sex. You all told me to say goodbye, and be strong...but I couldn't do it, I'm ashamed to say. I wanted to believe that there was another explanation. I'm so ****ing stupid.

 

I believed his lies that he was just trying to set up a three-some for the two of us and went behind my back to do it. He swore to me that he made a one-time mistake, that his intentions weren't what they seemed, that he loves me. And I believed all of it. I decided to continue the engagement and we JUST sent the save-the-dates for the wedding today.

 

This evening, my laptop finally kicked the bucket, and I had to use his computer again to send myself some stuff. Sure enough... The first file that pops up is a naked selfie of himself taken last night, when I was out of town...sent to some random email address. A simple google search showed that he owns this new email address and has been trolling the internet for local hookups, sending nudes, asking local girls for oral sex, posting videos of himself...

 

I just can't do this. I don't know how to handle it. It is now irrefutable that he does not love me, does not care enough about our 4-year relationship to stop looking for random sex online. We are applying to graduate programs together, I have changed my entire career path for him.... I have been burned and cheated on before, but never like this. This has been by far my longest relationship, and I truly thought he is the one. Still do.

 

I am so embarrassed. I wish we hadn't sent those save-the-dates today...he worked on the wedding website last night, an hour before he started sending out nudes online (as evidenced by his gmail activity). He really is too stupid to even cover his tracks properly.

 

Has anyone been through something like this before? How do I find the strength to end it? I love him, I truly do. I can't imagine a future without him now. The wedding dress is arriving in the mail in a couple of months, and we were so excited planning everything. We have tickets booked to fly to his parents' house for the holidays again this year. They (who I hoped would be my future in-laws) are such an amazing, kind, loving family...the kind I always wanted. I can't stand the thought of losing all of them, not just him.

 

I am blaming myself too. My sex drive has been low lately, due to some hormonal issues, and I find that we only get intimate once every two weeks or so. I probably pushed him away, and so he went looking for it elsewhere...But I've asked him if he's unsatisfied with our sex life, and he says he's perfectly happy. Do men dissociate sex and love like this? Is this the normal reaction from a guy who feels he doesn't get physically satisfied in his relationship?? (if that is indeed the problem?)

 

God, someone help me please. I'm in a very dark place right now.

 

I can't imagine a future without him -- Imagine your future with lying, cheating, possible disease, looking over his shoulder, unexplained lateness getting home from "work", longer hours at "work", walking on eggshells waiting for the next "shoe to drop", expenses on the credit card bills that don't make sense, and exposing your children to that environment and likely at some point having to explain why Daddy doesn't live here anymore?????

 

I'm in a very dark place right now -- Take off the rose-colored glasses and put on your night-vision goggles and see what's lurking in the dark . . .

[ExpatInItaly]

How do you walk away?

 

You realize that you are in love with a man who doesn't exist. Who you think he is and who he really is are two different people. The one you are in love with is the illusion. It's not really the man you are engaged to. You are attached to an idea, but it's not reality.

 

There is no reason to stay together. You have nothing to be embarrassed about - he does. If people ask why you canceled the wedding, tell them the truth. He is a liar, cheater and manipulator. And if you think he hasn't physically cheated, then girl, you are far more deeply in denial than it already appears.

 

Yep, you will lose money from the canceled wedding plans. And yes, you will have to be independent from him and make a go of it on your own. But you know what? It's so worth it. Otherwise, you will be here again in a couple years time with far fewer options than you have now. It's not so easy to just walk away once you're legally wed to him, with a couple kids in tow.

 

Get away from him, immediately. Get yourself to your doctor as well. Order a full STI panel and HIV test. Yes, you need both. You have no idea what he has really been doing, or should I say, where he has been sticking it. Don't gamble with your physical health the way you've been gambling with your emotional health.

[PinkPampies]

Look at it this way...

 

End it now and have a few months of emotional pain and it will get better and you will eventually heal and forget about him.

 

Or

 

Stay. And endure a lifetime of emotional pain.

[VeveCakes]

I know it's always so hard to be objective close to home, but I can't help feeling that this is some kind of sexual deviance that can be diagnosed and treated.

 

Sexual deviance can only be treated successfully one way - chemical or actual castration. Do you think he is going to go for that?

 

He is cheating....plastering images of his dick all over the internet looking for women is cheating. Woman, how little is your self respect!! You are posting here so you know you deserve better!

 

and yes....get tested for ALL STIs and HIV NOW!!

[Lorenza]

OP, aren't you grossed out? I wouldn't be able to touch my partner if I found out about his little adventures.

[smackie9]

Are you kidding me? You suggested that it could also be because of your low sex drive???

 

This guy is what he is...a cheating jerk.

 

Give him his just deserts and let everyone know why you had to call off the wedding.

[ashy555]

That is so creepy. How can you sleep with him after watching him jack off and post it online. THAT IS PROOF. YOU HAVE A VIDEO of him.

 

The only one who will be embarrassed is your disgusting fiance.

[breakupthrowaway663]

He sounds like a sex addict with some underlying issues. This has nothing to do with your sex drive, or anything about you really.

 

He probably has some unsettling insecurity driving him to desire being wanted by more than one person. This is the extreme version of how people will seek out attention to validate themselves after a breakup or a long period of being alone.

[Sweetfish]

Could you imagine if he gave you an STD. Since he enjoys these types of risk.. I think you should give him a permanent hall pass out the door.

[Sunkissedpatio]

.

 

I just can't do this. I don't know how to handle it.

 

How do I find the strength to end it? I love him, I truly do. I can't imagine a future without him now.

 

I am blaming myself too. My sex drive has been low lately, due to some hormonal issues, and I find that we only get intimate once every two weeks or so. I probably pushed him away, and so he went looking for it elsewhere...But I've asked him if he's unsatisfied with our sex life, and he says he's perfectly happy. Do men dissociate sex and love like this? Is this the normal reaction from a guy who feels he doesn't get physically satisfied in his relationship?? (if that is indeed the problem?)

 

God, someone help me please. I'm in a very dark place right now.

 

You start by envisioning a future that does not include him in it. You won't be there today, tomorrow or next week, it's going to be super hard for now but that future, the one that doesn't include him DOES include a man that respects you enough not to go and get his needs met elsewhere when there are issues in the relationship.

 

It's going to be one day at a time. It's going to be accepting that you cannot have this in your life because above all else you love you first. You won't have this in your life because if you go through with it to "save the embarrassment" of having to cancel the wedding you will be telling him in a very clear and direct way:

 

I AM WILLING TO ACCEPT THIS.

 

I am willing to take responsibility for your poor choices. I am willing to allow you to disrespect me because you feel unfulfilled. I will even go as far as blaming myself for pushing you to do this.

 

So as time goes on and the relationship ebbs and flows you have already given him the green light to do what he needs to do to satisfy his needs. He will find ways to go deeper into hiding his actions while you go more insane trying to love him and despising him for his despicable acts.

 

He won't think twice about doing it again, again and again. Because he knows that with you there is absolutely no consequence. He knows that you will find a way to "understand" him. You will be trapped in a dark cloud of deception mistrust and anxiety over a man that has clearly shown you what he is capable of.

 

And he will lie and convince you that it meant nothing, that he wasn't going to act on it, that he was lonely and feeling unloved, like you aren't attracted to him and all sorts of utter mindfckery to get you to share in his indiscretion.

 

Once you give this man that kind of power, you will never, ever take that power back. You will be at his mercy for the rest of your married life to him.

 

You know how you felt the first time you caught him? You know how you feel now? You will discover something again and feel this all over again. It will hurt as it does now. It will hurt more each time. It will break you emotionally and it will tarnish your soul and when you finally have the courage to move on you will be so broken it will take you years to get back to being someone healthy enough to offer another healthy human being a chance at happiness.

 

Picture your future and picture your future without him, start today. Stop telling yourself you can't picture that future without him. You can, and you will if you want a chance to meet the right man for you now while you still can.

 

What horrible situation to be in. My heart goes out to you.

[DarrenB]

You start by envisioning a future that does not include him in it. You won't be there today, tomorrow or next week, it's going to be super hard for now but that future, the one that doesn't include him DOES include a man that respects you enough not to go and get his needs met elsewhere when there are issues in the relationship.

 

It's going to be one day at a time. It's going to be accepting that you cannot have this in your life because above all else you love you first. You won't have this in your life because if you go through with it to "save the embarrassment" of having to cancel the wedding you will be telling him in a very clear and direct way:

 

I AM WILLING TO ACCEPT THIS.

 

I am willing to take responsibility for your poor choices. I am willing to allow you to disrespect me because you feel unfulfilled. I will even go as far as blaming myself for pushing you to do this.

 

So as time goes on and the relationship ebbs and flows you have already given him the green light to do what he needs to do to satisfy his needs. He will find ways to go deeper into hiding his actions while you go more insane trying to love him and despising him for his despicable acts.

 

He won't think twice about doing it again, again and again. Because he knows that with you there is absolutely no consequence. He knows that you will find a way to "understand" him. You will be trapped in a dark cloud of deception mistrust and anxiety over a man that has clearly shown you what he is capable of.

 

And he will lie and convince you that it meant nothing, that he wasn't going to act on it, that he was lonely and feeling unloved, like you aren't attracted to him and all sorts of utter mindfckery to get you to share in his indiscretion.

 

Once you give this man that kind of power, you will never, ever take that power back. You will be at his mercy for the rest of your married life to him.

 

You know how you felt the first time you caught him? You know how you feel now? You will discover something again and feel this all over again. It will hurt as it does now. It will hurt more each time. It will break you emotionally and it will tarnish your soul and when you finally have the courage to move on you will be so broken it will take you years to get back to being someone healthy enough to offer another healthy human being a chance at happiness.

 

Picture your future and picture your future without him, start today. Stop telling yourself you can't picture that future without him. You can, and you will if you want a chance to meet the right man for you now while you still can.

 

What horrible situation to be in. My heart goes out to you.

 

Couldn't have said it any better. Listen to this Xra.

 

One small step at a time.