fosterrd Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 Sorry this is long, but I'm trying to make sense of all this. I just feel so deceived and such a fool right now. I've been going to this place (g y m) since October 2015. From day one since I first encountered this guy there, he looked at me like the world had stopped and I was the only one in the room. A month later, I start going to this place week after week on a consistent time and day. I would see him there around the same time. Early winter 2016, he came up next to me like he wanted to talk to me, but I unintentionally walked away from him and gave him the cold shoulder. After this, he ignored for a while, and then seemed like he forgave me, and started giving me attention again. For several months after that, the attention had been the same every week. He would always stare at me, come near me, even seem to change his schedule so it would be around my schedule, after I leave the room, he would soon follow, and so on. It didn't matter where I was in the room, his eyes would always be on me. The way he looks at me is how every woman would want to be looked at and I have never seen anyone look at me or anyone else like that, except in the most romantic movies. Sometimes the stares he gave me were a bit creepy because what guy just keeps staring but don't approach? I assumed he did not approach me because of the cold shoulder I gave him at one time, and because of the g y m environment we were in. So finally one day, I had enough and I gave him my number. I was 99% sure that he was interested and from the way he acted around me, I thought he was single. I just didn't think anyone who was not single would give me that much attention. Sadly, almost a week went by and I still haven't heard from him. Finally, a week later, I get a text from him, "Thanks for giving me your number, I'm flattered, but I'm taken." Not exactly those words, but in that context. I was very disappointed and hurt. It took a lot of guts for me to approach him. I watched his behavior for months to make sure the interest was there even though we never spoke to each other. I just assumed he was too scared to approach me, so I mustered enough guts to do it myself. We exchanged a few texts that evening when he sent me that text only because I asked him 2 more questions - things I had been dying to know for the last several months like his name. He replied back quickly, but they were just 1-2 sentences. Based on that text conversation, I assumed that he wasn't interested in me. But then the next morning, I get a missed F-a-c-e-Time call from him. Why would he FT call me? I assumed it was an accident, but it's kind of hard to accidentally FT someone if they weren't on your recent call list or on their contacts at all. I already deleted his number right after our text exchange. I just think this guy likes to play games and get his ego boosted. So I saw him again in person after the text exchange, and in person, he was much nicer. When he saw me coming towards him, he dropped everything he was doing, got up immediately and faced me. He seemed more engaging towards me in person and even asked me more questions than I asked him. During our in person conversation, he couldn't even look at me in the eye. I found that odd because all those months, he had no problem staring at me shamelessly from far away, but now that we're face to face, he couldn't look at me. I ended our conversation short and told him I had to go, and that I would see him around. Then that night, I texted him. (I know I shouldn't have done that.) In my text, I asked him if he had meant to F-a-c-e-Time me last week. He replied back and said it was an accident. Then I sent him one last text and told him that I didn't mean to walk away from him that one time a while back. He replied shortly, "No worries..." like he didn't even know what I was talking about or he just ignored what I just said. After this, he stopped coming around the same time at the g y m. As much as I wanted to avoid him, I didn't want him to think he had that power to do that to me, so I kept going and doing what I had always done. I'm just so confused by all this. I went back and looked at everything to see where I could've misread him (at least the attraction/interest he showed towards me), and there was none. In all my years of life, I never received that kind of attention from someone who wasn't interested. You just don't do those things if you are attached (at least happily). And then he's the one who started avoiding me as well after the fact that he's the one that rejected me. I just don't get it. I just feel like a fool that I got so mislead.
RecentChange Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 Honestly, I think you got WAY TOO INVESTED into a guy that you didn't know at the gym that made googly eyes at you. Okay he stared at you. He was probably attracted to you. Maybe he even had a "crush" despite the fact he didn't know you at all - and you didn't know him at all. The fact that he didn't make a move for months speaks volumes. My advice - be more bold, don't get so stuck in your head (his staring was like a romance movie?) For instance, I ride the train - so I see a lot of the same people, the same time, every day, for months, and sometimes years on end. I can point to a handful of "googly eyed guys" - ones I can count on to catch staring. Or maybe they always waive and smile when they see me pass - doesn't mean we are going to run off into the sunset together, its light flirting. Hell, there is one hottie that I give "googly eyes" - I have no intention of even talking to him, but its a fun light flirt. 7
Sweetfish Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 This reminds me of the dog in my neighborhood that chases my car when I drive past him. But when I stop he simple walks back the yard as its no more fun to chase. 6
Buddhist Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 He didn't deceive you at all. He was taken and did NOT make a move on you. That's consistent with being taken. Just because people are in relationships does not mean they will never ever feel attraction or have mild interest in another person. So you were the chick that made going to the gym interesting for him. But he was partnered and had no interest in you beyond that. Remember you were the one that gave him your number, not the other way around. Everything that happened after that was just awkwardness. He wasn't ever going to pursue you and now that you've handed your number to him there is some measure of politeness here required. You made a story up in your head about some guy's inability to not look, and now you feel a bit silly about that. It happens to us all. 2
Author fosterrd Posted November 22, 2016 Author Posted November 22, 2016 This is why I don't like to approach guys. I know they like the chase. Hell, I like them to chase me instead. I just thought this one for sure would be different given the circumstances. I just feel dead wrong. No matter what outcome, my respect/attraction for him is nearly gone. I don't even like the fact that he would give someone else that much attention when he's with someone else.
Buddhist Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 I just thought this one for sure would be different given the circumstances. I just feel dead wrong. This is actually the crux of it. Being wrong isn't the end of the world. There is no shame in it and you will get over it. 2
Sara1989 Posted November 22, 2016 Posted November 22, 2016 This guy is TAKEN, he may find you attractive and like to stare at you but he has a girlfriend. He properly realizes he gone too far with the texting so is now backing off completely. I find it concerning you think so much of this man considering you do not know him AND he is in an relationship. I be freaked out honestly if for a year a guy was following me around and staring at me intensely. 3
Author fosterrd Posted November 23, 2016 Author Posted November 23, 2016 He didn't deceive you at all. He was taken and did NOT make a move on you. That's consistent with being taken. Just because people are in relationships does not mean they will never ever feel attraction or have mild interest in another person.) I guess I have different thinking. If I was in a committed relationship, I would look at someone if I found them to be attractive, but I wouldn't go out of my way to be near that person or give him an indication that I was interested. I wouldn't like it if I was in this gym guy's gf's shoes. The reason why I thought he was single is that one time he came up to me. I'm not describing it very well, but usually, attached men wouldn't go that far. They just sit back and look. Oh well, this is just another lesson learned. I will not approach a man like that again. Will talk to him first. And I will not let it take that long either. The fantasy is usually better. Darn it. I should've just left it as a fantasy. Now the only excitement going to that gym is ruined. 1
thecrucible Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 I empathise with you. It can be really embarrassing when you think a guy is interested because he looks at you or playfully flirts. Sometimes it can be really hard to tell whether it's genuine. I've met guys like that in the gym and elsewhere and although I've never given them my number, I've sometimes wrongly assumed that they were interested in me and felt embarrassed. It's got to the point where I'm scared to approach guys a lot because I feel so worried that I will make a faux pas. With your situation it was only a misunderstanding and I don't think there should be anything bad to reflect on. Do you live in a small community or a bigger one? If you live in a bigger place, at least it's unlikely you'll bump into him again.
thecrucible Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 I guess I have different thinking. If I was in a committed relationship, I would look at someone if I found them to be attractive, but I wouldn't go out of my way to be near that person or give him an indication that I was interested. I wouldn't like it if I was in this gym guy's gf's shoes. The reason why I thought he was single is that one time he came up to me. Maybe it's one of these gender differences where the guy doesn't think anything of it because he wouldn't consider his behaviour a sign of interest. It can be really hard to read certain guys. Oh well, this is just another lesson learned. I will not approach a man like that again. Will talk to him first. And I will not let it take that long either. The fantasy is usually better. Or maybe if you started talking to him like a friend/gym buddy and acted really laid back, his true intentions would come to the fore soon enough and he would mention his gf. And yeah I know what you mean about the fantasy. Some guys can just get inside my head and they're not necessarily guys I'd consider my boyfriend type but they intrigue me and I can't stop thinking about them. I should've just left it as a fantasy. Now the only excitement going to that gym is ruined. Again I know you feel! I hope it won't stop you forever though. Try dating someone who works in the gym. That's what my last boyfriend did haha. Luckily he has a new job in a different gym so I don't have to bump into him.
preraph Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 Some guys can be faithful while still oggling women's bodies, you know. They don't become blind when they get a girlfriend. They just decide they don't want to lose her bad enough to draw a line somewhere. He sensed you were taking this way too seriously, and you are, and so he cleared out. You will have to just move on. It's fine you gave him your number, but as every man will tell you, it's hard to be psychic and predict if someone is really going to bite the hook or they're just social or friendly or flirty with no intention of doing anything about it. So just forget about the whole thing and don't let it discourage you. But remember, any man worth having whose attraction to you is equal or better will make the moves. Nothing wrong with helping things along, though.
TheTraveler Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 Note to self. Stare women down hard from now on at the gym:p
Methodical Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 Obviously, he liked what he saw. Although he is taken, he isn't blind. When eye candy is several feet away, it's hard not to steal a peek. I hear you loud and clear...he didn't peek, he flat out stared you down. For several months, you analyzed his actions and concluded he was interested but shy. So, you took the initiative and gave him your number. It took him a week to respond, and when he did, it was to let you know he was taken. What a letdown. Unfortunately, you deceived yourself based on your analysis of his staring habit. Being turned down sucks, but at least you had the guts to approach him...and thankfully he was honest with you rather than starting a tangled web of lies.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 I think you completely misread the situation. Yes, he was looking at you. But he never once actually spoke to you. That alone should tell you everything you need to know. Guys who are interested don't go months without uttering a single word. 6
you_can_not_see_me Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 This is why I don't like to approach guys. I know they like the chase. Hell, I like them to chase me instead. I just thought this one for sure would be different given the circumstances. I just feel dead wrong. No matter what outcome, my respect/attraction for him is nearly gone. I don't even like the fact that he would give someone else that much attention when he's with someone else. Guy's feel the same way. You don't know how many times I have flirted with a girl who seemed interested for her to later tell me she was taken when I asked her out. And yes it makes you feel like you can't trust your gut anymore and it makes you pessimistic about future such scenarios. That's what a lot of guys deal with, you just got a small taste of it.
Erik30 Posted November 23, 2016 Posted November 23, 2016 He just thinks you're hot, that's why he was checking you out. That's all it is. But you giving him your number made you a real option for him, instead of a fantasy. He probably stopped going to the gym so he won't be temped to cheat on his gf. 1
Author fosterrd Posted December 7, 2016 Author Posted December 7, 2016 (edited) Well, when gym crush texted me he was "seeing someone," I almost replied back jokingly, "So are you seeing a woman or a man? You just never know these days. :p" I even had a weird dream a while back that he turned out to be Nate Berkus - the cute but gay celebrity interior designer. So I just found out that he's been sharing the same address with another 40 year old man since his college days. Each time, he moved, so did this other man. Both have different last names, so they are not related and both have never been married, but they live together. It is not confirmed, but based on this alone, I think my ex-crush is gay. Tell me that I could be wrong based on that alone, because everything is telling me now that I'm right about him being gay. This makes it even more confusing because usually gay men do not check me out. To find out he was not single this whole time was bad enough, but to find out he's also gay...I don't know what to think. I can't even feel flattered anymore, let alone I can't even fantasize about him anymore either. I saw him again, and I viewed him completely different. He didn't appear gay to me because like I mentioned before, he gave me all the sirens of being interested in me. He also had a manly look about him even though his behavior did appear pretty beta or passive to me. I am usually really good at reading people like it's a 6th sense, but this one just stunned me. I would like to ask him in person about this just to confirm. A no no? I probably won't do it right away, but maybe wait until I build some more rapport between us, and ask him in a nice/hopefully unoffensive way. I'm just very curious to know the truth now. Edited December 7, 2016 by fosterrd
introverted1 Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 I think you completely misread the situation. Yes, he was looking at you. But he never once actually spoke to you. That alone should tell you everything you need to know. Guys who are interested don't go months without uttering a single word. To find out he was not single this whole time was bad enough, but to find out he's also gay...I don't know what to think. I can't even feel flattered anymore, let alone I can't even fantasize about him anymore either. I saw him again, and I viewed him completely different. This guy never signaled that he was interested and even went so far as to tell you he was taken. What difference does it make whether he is taken by a man or a woman?
herodgrant Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 (edited) I'm trying to think of a way to word this without being as offensive as it sounds, but you seem like you're reading a lot into nothing. The guy told you he was taken in the very first text. I think that says it all. Please don't contact him again - he clearly feels uncomfortable with that enough to avoid running into you. I mean, it's the gym. Everyone's kind of bored and looking around. Edited to add: and how exactly did you find out about his living arrangements? This is getting borderline stalky. If it bruises your ego less to pretend he's gay then go with that. Edited December 8, 2016 by herodgrant 4
selinaluv Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 Well, when gym crush texted me he was "seeing someone," I almost replied back jokingly, "So are you seeing a woman or a man? You just never know these days. :p" I even had a weird dream a while back that he turned out to be Nate Berkus - the cute but gay celebrity interior designer. So I just found out that he's been sharing the same address with another 40 year old man since his college days. Each time, he moved, so did this other man. Both have different last names, so they are not related and both have never been married, but they live together. It is not confirmed, but based on this alone, I think my ex-crush is gay. Tell me that I could be wrong based on that alone, because everything is telling me now that I'm right about him being gay. This makes it even more confusing because usually gay men do not check me out. To find out he was not single this whole time was bad enough, but to find out he's also gay...I don't know what to think. I can't even feel flattered anymore, let alone I can't even fantasize about him anymore either. I saw him again, and I viewed him completely different. He didn't appear gay to me because like I mentioned before, he gave me all the sirens of being interested in me. He also had a manly look about him even though his behavior did appear pretty beta or passive to me. I am usually really good at reading people like it's a 6th sense, but this one just stunned me. I would like to ask him in person about this just to confirm. A no no? I probably won't do it right away, but maybe wait until I build some more rapport between us, and ask him in a nice/hopefully unoffensive way. I'm just very curious to know the truth now. It could be a friend who has been his roommate for many years. He could be gay and they may not be a couple. Could be lots of reasons, but it really doesn't matter. I know many gay men who have an extremely "manly look" and were very alpha so that theory never applies. With that logic, you are not as good at reading people as you may think. Plus I know many gay men who admire women because they appreciate the beauty in them. I have had several compliment me throughout the years and I actually consider it the highest of compliments and was most flattered because it is not coming from a place of flattering me to get me in bed. Do not ask him, it is none of your business and you do not need to know if he is gay or not because he never asked you out.
Kelley Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 You know what? Good for you for having the balls to approach him. It didn't work out but now you know. Yes some men just like to look at women, but what if he had been a shy guy, and you took the initiative? Good for you for being a strong independent woman, you win some you lose some.
kismetkismet Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 I think part of the problem is that you let this build up so long in your head before anything actually happened. It is very easy to misconstrue people's body language, and just because someone is physically attracted to you doesn't mean that they're interested you on a deeper level. Not saying anything against who you are as a person at all - but he doesn't know you as a person at all. You say that you feel 'deceived' but how could he deceive you without even speaking or communicating with you in any way. How did you find out this information about his living situation? If he is gay, that indicates even more that you misread his signals. It would probably be best not to build things up so much before anything has actually begun. Not saying you shouldn't put yourself out there - I think it's awesome you had the balls to give him your number, that's the thing you did right - just don't invest yourself emotionally in something before you've even spoken. If anything give them your number BEFORE you've built up your expectations that high. 2
DrReplyInRhymes Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 I've been accused of being gay because I never really got over one of my ex girlfriends and am picky with who I open up to. Just because you think someone is gay doesn't mean they are. What does that have to do with anything anyway? I'm trying to think of a way to word this without being as offensive as it sounds, but you seem like you're reading a lot into nothing. The guy told you he was taken in the very first text. This. This. This. 1
joseb Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 Note to self. Stare women down hard from now on at the gym:p I know right? I would have expected it to result in me being banned from the gym, or at the very least gotten myself a name as a weird creep, but apparently it works!
nothingsintheflowerz Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 (edited) I would like to ask him in person about this just to confirm. A no no? I probably won't do it right away, but maybe wait until I build some more rapport between us, and ask him in a nice/hopefully unoffensive way. I'm just very curious to know the truth now. Wow that is offensive!! Why would you ask him that? Maybe once you get closer, but for the sole self-serving purpose, I think that's unacceptable. It's none of your business, and you're beginning to come off as a stalker with the knowing where he lives. Let. It. Go. He isn't interested. Who cares why. Lick your wounds, let go of the ego, and move on. Edited December 8, 2016 by nothingsintheflowerz 3
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