What kind of "casual relationship" is this?

[Lily1234]

Hi, I've been confusing lately about this guy I met online. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

We chatted via message about a week before we set up our first date. I told him that I just moved to the city and haven't had a chance to walk around yet. He gave me a good first impression by showing me around the whole downtown area and introducing me all the famous sites very patiently.

 

And then our second date went pretty smooth as well, he was caring and considerate. But at the end of the second date, he cautiously asked me what kind of person am I looking for, and told me he only wanted a casual relationship for now. When I asked his exact definition of "casual relationship", his answer was "I don't wanna get married lately" because he may move city for his job. Actually my work requires me to go back and forth between two countries for a couple months as well, which means its also hard for me to have a stable long term relationship in the current stage. To be honest I didn't expect that at all, so I told him I can give a try but may end this if I feel uncomfortable. Of course, he was fine with that. And I was thinking I feel happy around, so some company would be nice since I was completely new to the city.

 

And then everything went normal. At about the forth date, I started to feel uncomfortable about our status. I started to think his definition of casual relationship was so blur that sometime I don't know what is okay to do and what is too much for him. So we had a serious conversation about "boundary", his gave me a couple rules like "don't show up in his company without notification", "don't wanna go too close with my friends". And mine was "keep this relationship more than sex" etc. I kinda feel hurt after that conversation. But he was always nice and fun to be around, and he emphasized a lot time that he does care about me, so we kept seeing each other. Actually we did so many things together, like cooking, painting, whale watching, aquarium, bowling and even studied something new together.

 

Another serious talk we had was about his ex girlfriend and other girls he slept with. He worried that I may think bad of him because he had slept with too many girls, so he lied that I'm the second one (but there are some details and I can tell this is a lie). I perpetrated him directly and told him I will sleep with the real he, but lying is definitely not okay for me. He apologized and promised will not do that again.

 

Surprisingly, now we have been in this so called casual relationship for more than 2 months. We talked to each other everyday and met once or twice every week. We started to talk everything in our daily life and went each other for advice and comfort when we had a bad day. He started to leave personal stuff in my apartment and bought me gift when he went trip with his friend. He also said he was so surprised to find out we are so much alike.

 

Last week, he was trying to give me a surprise by asking me out for dinner to celebrate our "two months anniversary". After we had a really deep talk about his career and personal stuff, he said he thought all the rules are trash and we shouldn't make any of them at all.

 

I can feel myself started to fall for him, but at the same time I started to be very cautious to express my feeling. I don't know whether this whole will end if I become more serious with him. So my question is, what kind of casual relationship is this? Is he only want sex but accidentally to be a nice guy by nature? Or is this going to be something more serious? Shall I wait for him?

 

(English is my second language, apologize for any grammar mistakes in advance, thanks!)

[JewelD]

Sounds like he just wants the benefits of being in a relationship with you without having to actually be in a relationship with you. The benefits here are that he can date other women. He also doesn't have to meet your friends or family or become a big part of your life. And vice versa.

 

Are you sure he is single? Sounds like a good way to groom a woman into being a mistress. By making your relationship casual, he's making sure that you know very little about him and his life.

 

But to answer your question, I don't think it's wise to enter a casual relationship with someone unless you want to be in a casual relationship. It seems as though you entered this relationship hoping that it would blossom into a full relationship but that's not guaranteed to happen. Don't settle.

[Lily1234]

Hi JewelD, thanks! I'm sure he is single but I do think I need talk to him. Shall I? And if yes, do you have any advice how to do the talk?

[JewelD]

I probably wouldn't waste my time because if a man wants you to be his girlfriend, he will ask you and make it very clear.

 

If you want to talk to him about it, you could tell him that this casual relationship isn't working and that you'd prefer to be serious with him. But then you would have to accept whatever answer he gives. If he says he just wants a casual relationship still, then you should walk away.

[Lily1234]

thanks JewelD.

 

I kinda feel I still wanna talk to him before break it off. Guess it would be easier for me to forget him if I get a negative answer from him.

[Redhead14]

Hi, I've been confusing lately about this guy I met online. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

We chatted via message about a week before we set up our first date. I told him that I just moved to the city and haven't had a chance to walk around yet. He gave me a good first impression by showing me around the whole downtown area and introducing me all the famous sites very patiently.

 

And then our second date went pretty smooth as well, he was caring and considerate. But at the end of the second date, he cautiously asked me what kind of person am I looking for, and told me he only wanted a casual relationship for now. When I asked his exact definition of "casual relationship", his answer was "I don't wanna get married lately" because he may move city for his job. Actually my work requires me to go back and forth between two countries for a couple months as well, which means its also hard for me to have a stable long term relationship in the current stage. To be honest I didn't expect that at all, so I told him I can give a try but may end this if I feel uncomfortable. Of course, he was fine with that. And I was thinking I feel happy around, so some company would be nice since I was completely new to the city.

 

And then everything went normal. At about the forth date, I started to feel uncomfortable about our status. I started to think his definition of casual relationship was so blur that sometime I don't know what is okay to do and what is too much for him. So we had a serious conversation about "boundary", his gave me a couple rules like "don't show up in his company without notification", "don't wanna go too close with my friends". And mine was "keep this relationship more than sex" etc. I kinda feel hurt after that conversation. But he was always nice and fun to be around, and he emphasized a lot time that he does care about me, so we kept seeing each other. Actually we did so many things together, like cooking, painting, whale watching, aquarium, bowling and even studied something new together.

 

Another serious talk we had was about his ex girlfriend and other girls he slept with. He worried that I may think bad of him because he had slept with too many girls, so he lied that I'm the second one (but there are some details and I can tell this is a lie). I perpetrated him directly and told him I will sleep with the real he, but lying is definitely not okay for me. He apologized and promised will not do that again.

 

Surprisingly, now we have been in this so called casual relationship for more than 2 months. We talked to each other everyday and met once or twice every week. We started to talk everything in our daily life and went each other for advice and comfort when we had a bad day. He started to leave personal stuff in my apartment and bought me gift when he went trip with his friend. He also said he was so surprised to find out we are so much alike.

 

Last week, he was trying to give me a surprise by asking me out for dinner to celebrate our "two months anniversary". After we had a really deep talk about his career and personal stuff, he said he thought all the rules are trash and we shouldn't make any of them at all.

 

I can feel myself started to fall for him, but at the same time I started to be very cautious to express my feeling. I don't know whether this whole will end if I become more serious with him. So my question is, what kind of casual relationship is this? Is he only want sex but accidentally to be a nice guy by nature? Or is this going to be something more serious? Shall I wait for him?

 

(English is my second language, apologize for any grammar mistakes in advance, thanks!)

 

He is not dating for the purpose of having a committed, long-term relationship. He isn't looking to get married. He is enjoying his time with you, may or may not be seeing others and planning on moving at some point. Manage your emotions, and don't get too emotionally involved. If you are enjoying the time you spend with him, have no expectations and be cognizant of the fact that this dating scenario has an expiration date.

 

If you are dating for the purpose of having a committed relationship and long-term, he's not the guy. You should at least verify if you two are at least exclusive if you are being intimate.

[Lily1234]

you are right, thanks!

 

I guess I also need to push myself to figure out what kind of relationship I really want. Only companion is enough or I want a long term stable relationship. I always think I can handle the first one but turns out I really cannot.

[Justanaverageguy]

The way you speak to him may dictate his subsequent reaction. He sounds to me like a guy who is trying to avoid commitment and serious relationship but who quite likes you. So how you discuss this with him will affect how he reacts.

 

My 2 cents from a guys perspective. If you put pressure on him saying you want more from the relationship and want him to commit to something more serious. I would say the relationship ends. You pass all the power to him as the decision maker and make him feel pressured to commit when that's something he is trying to avoid. It feels like he's being "forced" into a relationship which is what these guys are trying to avoid.

 

From my experience when a woman in this position takes a slightly different aproach and instead does not offer him a choice its far more likely to change the guys mind into treating the relationship more seriously. So instead just sit down with him - tell him you've really enjoyed hanging out with him, would still like to catch up maybe in future as friends but have decided casual is not for you and you want to pursue a relationship that's more serious. Don't ask or request that he become more committed to your relationship - he made it clear early and set ground rules to the arrangement already. He has to "choose" to change them rather then being forced by you to change them.

 

Quite often by simply making this subtle change to your approach - it has a very different effect on the guy. He's no longer the decision maker - he's no longer in control of the relationship or being pressured to commit to you - instead he is being forced to pursue you if he wants you. Subtle difference that really does make a difference for guys. Obviously no guarantee he will definitely want the relationship - but guys in this position it makes it more likely he will choose to.

Edited November 2, 2016 by Justanaverageguy

[Lily1234]

Thanks for advice!

 

yea I get what you mean, that's make a lot sense. Actually I cannot help myself telling him that I really miss him couple days ago, and I told him that I spent a lot time to and a lot courage to do so because apparently I don't want him to feel I'm clingy... I guess that's a bad approach since I was actually offering him an "option" to think I'm clingy, maybe I should make it sounds like it's very normal to miss each other?

 

Do you have any suggestion in how to talk about exclusiveness? ( I don't think he is seeing someone else, cuz I basically occupied all his spare time, but still want to make sure of that)

[smackie9]

instead of guessing what he is thinking or doing, why not just have another talk with him. If you are starting to fall for him, tell him and see what he says to that. Who knows maybe he is starting to feel the same way. People do change their mind. If he doesn't feel the same way, then you have your answer and you can simply end it so you don't waste anymore of your time, or get hurt.

 

 

So many come to the site here asking how to make their casual partner want a serious relationship...stubbornly they refuse to take any advice to leave because they are too invested.

[Lily1234]

I know... people have a tendency to persuade themselves to match their decision and action, so they would feel their action worth it. That's why some people kept fool themselves that the other person really like them when there are already a lot red flags, so they wouldn't feel what they did previously are so stupid and naive.

 

Hope I can be decisive enough and don't lie to myself.

[Standard-Fare]

His actions and the progression of your relationship suggest a path of "normal dating," i.e. not a casual **** buddy situation. You're seeing each other regularly, celebrating anniversaries, keeping stuff at each other's places...

 

If you haven't already belabored the conversations about "what casual means," I think it's worth checking in with him again.

 

Because it could be that casual was his goal to begin with — and that he likes that label and the freedom it implies — but maybe now he can acknowledge that the relationship should be classified as "girlfriend/boyfriend" and head in a deeper direction.

 

But if he's unwilling to do that, you need to either a) mutually step back on this relationship and establish more boundaries so that it CAN stay casual, assuming you both want that, or b) get yourself out of this thing before you get hurt.

[Lily1234]

Thanks for advice, I had asked about "what casual means" twice. The first time was on our second date when he mentioned it, the second time was when he invited me to sleep over at his place. He just said he doesn't want to get married or have any significant long term plan, but will not leave me or disappear after sleep with me... still so blur I guess

[Lily1234]

update:

 

so we had a serious talk about all of this last time, and here are some updates.

 

- Exclusiveness

He is not seeing anyone else, and agreed to stay exclusive. He said he felt sorry that he didn't notice I was being sad all this time, and forgot everyone wanna feel secure and being liked. And he also admitted he does like me a lot.

 

- Friends

He still wanna keep this "private thing to be private", but said he was not hiding me, and he did tell some of his best friend that he is seeing someone lately.

 

- "Casual relationship"

I kinda feel he have different definition of casual and serious. For him, being serious means he will marry me some day? So he rather call this casual and want to keep thing simple...

 

 

Any advice or comments?

[lana-banana]

That's very straightforward. He doesn't see you as marriage material. If you're okay with that, then by all means continue.

[Versacehottie]

The way you speak to him may dictate his subsequent reaction. He sounds to me like a guy who is trying to avoid commitment and serious relationship but who quite likes you. So how you discuss this with him will affect how he reacts.

 

My 2 cents from a guys perspective. If you put pressure on him saying you want more from the relationship and want him to commit to something more serious. I would say the relationship ends. You pass all the power to him as the decision maker and make him feel pressured to commit when that's something he is trying to avoid. It feels like he's being "forced" into a relationship which is what these guys are trying to avoid.

 

From my experience when a woman in this position takes a slightly different aproach and instead does not offer him a choice its far more likely to change the guys mind into treating the relationship more seriously. So instead just sit down with him - tell him you've really enjoyed hanging out with him, would still like to catch up maybe in future as friends but have decided casual is not for you and you want to pursue a relationship that's more serious. Don't ask or request that he become more committed to your relationship - he made it clear early and set ground rules to the arrangement already. He has to "choose" to change them rather then being forced by you to change them.

 

Quite often by simply making this subtle change to your approach - it has a very different effect on the guy. He's no longer the decision maker - he's no longer in control of the relationship or being pressured to commit to you - instead he is being forced to pursue you if he wants you. Subtle difference that really does make a difference for guys. Obviously no guarantee he will definitely want the relationship - but guys in this position it makes it more likely he will choose to.

 

Seriously, this post should be the header of it's own thread. So girls can refer to it time and time again on this forum. Excellent advice. And beyond game playing: at a certain point each girl who is not getting what she wants just needs to put it in that type of terms.

[TheTraveler]

update:

 

so we had a serious talk about all of this last time, and here are some updates.

 

- Exclusiveness

He is not seeing anyone else, and agreed to stay exclusive. He said he felt sorry that he didn't notice I was being sad all this time, and forgot everyone wanna feel secure and being liked. And he also admitted he does like me a lot.

 

- Friends

He still wanna keep this "private thing to be private", but said he was not hiding me, and he did tell some of his best friend that he is seeing someone lately.

 

- "Casual relationship"

I kinda feel he have different definition of casual and serious. For him, being serious means he will marry me some day? So he rather call this casual and want to keep thing simple...

 

 

Any advice or comments?

 

It means he will end your relationship immediately when he finds "the one"

[Buddhist]

It means enjoy a relationship with him but don't expect it to go anywhere.

[Justanaverageguy]

Seriously, this post should be the header of it's own thread. So girls can refer to it time and time again on this forum. Excellent advice. And beyond game playing: at a certain point each girl who is not getting what she wants just needs to put it in that type of terms.

 

Yeah its not about game playing at all - its about being smart about your actions and valuing yourself. This should just be seen as an better way to resolve these types of issues when you reach the point in a new relationship where you either want something more serious or you are going to move on. Seems to be where the OP is. Your still being honest about what you want - just adjusting the way you express it.

 

As a guy I worked this out after being in this situation with girls a number of times. I like to build and get to know a girl properly before getting into anything serious. But as a result I have often ended up in situations with girls trying to "pressure me" to commit to her more seriously. Its hard to describe but its like attractant replant. I thought the relationship was going in the right direction then all of the sudden I'm getting all this pressure to commit and it just completely destroys the feeling and dynamic that was building. Its really annoying for me as a guy because even when I understand whats going on .... I still can't avoid the change to the attraction feeling I get for the girl.

 

With guys and girls there is this universal rule regarding active vs passive. Guys enjoy being "active" in their pursuit of girls. So a girl allowing him to actively choose you rather then passively accept you makes all the difference.

[DK_Casus]

This is pretty simple. If having sex with him is enough for you - and you (for sure) don't want more, there's little risk.

 

If you DO want more - there's entirely too much risk, and I would find someone else.

[Justanaverageguy]

update:

 

so we had a serious talk about all of this last time, and here are some updates.

 

- Exclusiveness

He is not seeing anyone else, and agreed to stay exclusive. He said he felt sorry that he didn't notice I was being sad all this time, and forgot everyone wanna feel secure and being liked. And he also admitted he does like me a lot.

 

- Friends

He still wanna keep this "private thing to be private", but said he was not hiding me, and he did tell some of his best friend that he is seeing someone lately.

 

- "Casual relationship"

I kinda feel he have different definition of casual and serious. For him, being serious means he will marry me some day? So he rather call this casual and want to keep thing simple...

 

 

Any advice or comments?

 

I know everyone else said he's not marriage material. He's not that into you move on.

 

I'll take a different tact and say ... he sounds like he starts relationships exactly like me. Start off casual with no expectations and let it build. Seriously I had this exact conversation like you put above with my last girlfriend and the current one I am seeing now. I just build relationships slowly - I'm pretty selective with girls I introduce to my friends. For some people this happens after a few dates for me its almost always a few months. I'm private, enjoy my freedom\independence. Not in a cheating sense or anything like that - more just with my time and don't like to commit to things until I am 100% sure. Can be very annoying\confusing for girls.

 

I'd suggest reading my other posts about how to approach this. You don't want to get taken advantage of - but you can also be smart about how you move forward. What I respond to in these situations is not actually a girl trying to force me to commit but instead sensing the girl is wanting something more but not getting it and so she is starting to gently moving away. I don't advocate for game playing .... but you have been up front and told him what you want. If you now don't get it and stick around anyway he will lose respect for you. I say that from experience.

 

Also side question - is your guy an Aquarius ? If you follow star signs this is really stereotypical behavior for Aquarius men. Do a google search and you with find about 100 threads of angry women talking about how their aqua guy will do this exact type of behavior. Aquarius people handled their relationships like friendships. Lighthearted and easy. It takes time and the correct nudging to get them to the next level.

Edited November 23, 2016 by Justanaverageguy

[Lily1234]

hey, thanks for saying this.

 

Surprisingly, he is an Aquarius! I usually don't believe those kind of things, but he really took me so much time and energy to deal with.

 

I guess the hardest part is valuing myself and gently walk away when I cannot get what I want, I always wanna spend more time with him even when he made me sad... I really shouldn't do that

[Lily1234]

Hi Thanks!

 

I didn't push him into anything for now, I even told him that I don't care that much about the title anymore, I just want to make sure he does like me a lot in the process. But I don't know this is right or not. Like I always wanna spend more time with him and start to compromise... I know that will lose his respect, but I find it's so hard to control myself.

[Justanaverageguy]

hey, thanks for saying this.

 

Surprisingly, he is an Aquarius! I usually don't believe those kind of things, but he really took me so much time and energy to deal with.

 

 

Takes one to know one I'm not big on Astrology for predicting future events - but the personality stuff is bang on if you know what to look for. At least with that much knowledge you can kind of figure out how this guy ticks and perhaps whether he will really work for you. Aquarian's are kind of odd balls - and it takes a special kind of person to be ok with our weird workings especially when it comes to relationships.

 

I guess the hardest part is valuing myself and gently walk away when I cannot get what I want, I always wanna spend more time with him even when he made me sad... I really shouldn't do that

 

Hmm well depends what you mean when you say - "get what you want". Is what you want just a committed relationship ? If so its entirely possible with this guy if you approach it correctly. But for most people they want a specific type of committed relationship and that can be the part that causes issues with Aquarians. Aquarian's value independence above everything - so generally speaking they need a person who's also comfortable being independent. They will love to spend time with you - but then they get a bit weird and distant and need to spend time on their own or with other people. They require someone who gets this and gives them space when they need it. Emotionally clingy types (for example cancer) really just don't do well with Aquarians. The Aquarian feels smothered - the cancer feels neglected and unloved. Its good to know how you personally operate in a relationship and as a person so you know whether this type of guy will actually work for you .... or if it will just make you frustrated and unhappy. Whats your star sign ?

 

 

I didn't push him into anything for now, I even told him that I don't care that much about the title anymore, I just want to make sure he does like me a lot in the process. But I don't know this is right or not. Like I always wanna spend more time with him and start to compromise... I know that will lose his respect, but I find it's so hard to control myself.

 

I don't think its a bad thing if you spend time with him. But its bad if you clearly want more - aren't getting it - but stick around anyway. Aqua guys are kind of attracted to kindred spirits. People who go with the flow - who don't need to put labels on things and allow them to develop naturally. So if you are cool with that setup - he won't lose respect for you. He will if you aren't cool with it ..... but stay anyway.

 

They also love really independent people. You doing things without him - with friends etc - is actually something that makes an aqua guy more attracted to you. Essentially Aqua's like people who they can go to a party with and not have to baby sit because they are off doing there own thing so he can do his. You will keep crossing paths during the night, joining conversations and then leaving, maybe even a quick make out session in the corner - but then you go off on your own separate ways for discussions with other people. Aqua's generally don't do the joined at the hip type relationship.

[Lily1234]

why you hit the spot perfectly, I'm a cancer lol... okay now I feel like there are something cannot be explained by science.

 

I kinda feel he is fine with my level of clingy now, but also I already try to hold myself in a lot situations so he wouldn't feel too much.

 

well but another red flag just come out couple hours ago. I was really missing him earlier today and wanna see his photo on that online dating app we met before, surprisingly, he just updated his profile after thanksgiving. I don't think that is proper after the exclusive talk...

 

ahh what shall I do, I can already feel the pain