Do guys get put off if you dont "put out" on first date?

[misty15]

Hi all,

 

Sorry for this long winded post but here goes. So I've had a few experiences with guys recently that have gone no where. I met a guy online who wasn't interested in a relationship with me who I dated for 1 month who i didn't sleep with. I then met a guy over a month ago at a bar who I went out with a couple of times (didn't sleep with him) he never bothered to contact me again. Last weekend I met another guy, went home with him on the Friday and saw him again on Saturday night nothing happened. He is 6 years younger than me though. I know it isn't a HUGE age gap but am a little concerned but like him. I just have it in my mind that if i sleep with a guy too soon they will lose interest.

 

I suffer with anxiety and I'm not sure if Ive blown it with this guy. On the Saturday night he wanted to catch up with me again. I thought he would be at home but when i called him he was still at a bar. He asked me to come inside for a drink. I wasn't prepared to go out didn't bring my identification so was refused entry. He got aggressive at the bouncer and threatened to knock him out. This send me into a panic attack which i cant control. I feel so embarrassed I think i put him off although he told me he really liked me afterwards so the next morning I asked if he would like to go to a movie sometime he said yes. When he dropped me home he said "I'll see you during the week". I haven't heard from him yet but its only been a day. I'm not sure if he was saying that just to be nice and also I'm worried he is really not interested because i didn't sleep with him. Am i doing this all wrong? Should I be jumping into the sack straight away with these guys?

 

I feel like just giving up on finding someone sometimes because i think my anxiety puts guys off. I do everything I can though to help myself though exercise, therapy...

[lilmissjava]

A) If a guy isn't interested in you because you won't have sex with him, he's the kind of guy you don't want anyway.

 

2. If a guy threatens a complete stranger with physical violence because he didn't get his way, you run the other way.

 

Fast.

[salparadise]

I'm worried he is really not interested because i didn't sleep with him.

 

No, that's not how it works. He's either interested or not. Initial interest may be based on sexual attraction and the desire for sex, but real interest will not evaporate because you aren't easy. While most men [all?] want sex sooner rather than later, the men who are genuinely interested in you will wait, not forever but awhile.

 

There may be some guys who are only interested in sex right now, but who are not interested in your per se. They will disappear regardless.

 

There have been a lot of marriages and long-term relationships that began with sex on a first date. There have also been a lot of disappointed women waiting for a follow up call that never came. It's not as simple as if this, then that.

 

 

Am i doing this all wrong? Should I be jumping into the sack straight away with these guys?

 

Women who hold out a long time, as in months, will lose a certain percentage who are not willing to wait. Some men have a general policy that if sex doesn't happen by a certain date (3-6 dates?) or within a certain time (3-6 weeks?) then it's best to move on. There are exceptions, but not many among experienced, adult daters.

 

Do what's right for you. Don't sleep with anybody until you're ready.

[BaileyB]

^^ exactly this.

 

Please, don't sleep wih a guy you don't know on the first date. That is the purpose of dating - to spend time with people, learn who they are, and discover if he is with you because he wants to sleep with you, or because he really likes you. NEVER sleep with a guy until YOU are ready.

 

And, if a guy threatens violence against another person ever... He is definitely not the guy for you. This guy has issues with anger and impulse control. Better you learn that now - don't ignore it!

 

Good luck with your dating.

[joseb]

If you are "holding out" on sex as a tool, then it's a bad idea.

Not suggesting you sleep with a guy on a first date, but if you want to and it feels right, then do it.

One thing i recommend is not going home with guys and then not sleeping with them.

However this guy in question sounds like trouble anyway, best avoided.

 

I would address your anxiety issues first, then look to date.

 

Dating is supposed to be enjoyable, not anxious. Personally I save any anxiety for very trying situations in work, if dating made me anxious I would not do it!

Edited October 24, 2016 by joseb

[scooby-philly]

As the one response said....waiting is fine. But not forever. Its up to you and your comfort zone and obviously each guy is different. Ive waited up to 10 to 12 dates. Thats the most i will ever wait. Afyer that, yes ill own the fact that i like sex and want to share it with a woman ibfind attractive.

 

That said, i donr lose respect for women if they put out early...first off sometimes a one night stand or a physical thing is fine. Second...if i lt turns out theres non physical attraction...i want to know if we are compatible in bed. Now i am not advocating you sleep with any guy any time....but you have to learn to trust your guts.

[misty15]

Yes i see a therapist. Anxiety has always been something that I've lived with. My Counselor says I cant sit in the house for the rest of my life and not try because i have anxiety. Life is too short I need to get out there and try i guess

[Toodaloo]

The rule about sleeping with guys is do it when you want to and when you feel comfortable and not before.

 

The do nots of sex;

 

1. Use it as a bargaining chip

2. Put out to try and hold a guys interest

3. Have unsafe or unprotected sex.

 

The do's of sex;

 

1. Do it when you want to and you are comfortable and happy to do so

2. Enjoy!

3. Make sure you use protection such as condoms etc

 

Seems to me though that these guys are just not all that interested. So even if you had slept with them before long they would have done the same any way.

 

Just concentrate on learning how to deal with your panic attacks and anxiety better. Learn how to be more confident in yourself. Working on those things will attract a better class of guy who you are more likely to have fun with, who will be more likely to stick around and with whom you can enjoy plenty of sex with out worry.

[joseb]

Yes i see a therapist. Anxiety has always been something that I've lived with. My Counselor says I cant sit in the house for the rest of my life and not try because i have anxiety. Life is too short I need to get out there and try i guess

 

Not suggesting you sit in the house at all!

 

But figure out what it is about dating that's making you anxious.

I just look at it as a no lose proposition - I'm no worse off if the date was terrible and I never see them again than I was before, except maybe a few $.

So nothing really to get anxious about.

 

I know easier said than done, I've suffered from anxiety in the past, but maybe try and get your thinking in that direction.

Edited October 24, 2016 by joseb

[stillafool]

Am i doing this all wrong? Should I be jumping into the sack straight away with these guys?

 

What do you want? Do you want to have sex for you or are you just trying to get a bf? You should do what you feel like doing and if a relationship happens fine; if not have no regrets. I too think you should work on your anxiety before dating. It will turn off a lot of guys and drive you crazy.

[Toodaloo]

Misty - you had a panic attack because you forgot your ID for a night club...

 

Why? What is so bad about it?

 

Can you not go off and do something else instead? Why you you need to stress and worry about it?

 

No you should not lock yourself up in the house but "getting out there" does not mean drop your knickers for every guy that so much as sniffs in your direction.

 

"Getting out there" means learning how to deal with situations, learning how to deal with other people, making friends and yes having the confidence to say no and not then think that you are being dumped because you didn't want to jump into bed with a guy.

[misty15]

I am ultimately looking for a relationship now. I have hooked up with a lot of men in the past and am over just sex now. Yes you are right i need to work on the anxiety but its a part of me. I was in a relationship for 8 years and it didnt bother him at all. I know there must be people out there that will except me for who I am I just need to keep looking

[stillafool]

I am ultimately looking for a relationship now. I have hooked up with a lot of men in the past and am over just sex now. Yes you are right i need to work on the anxiety but its a part of me. I was in a relationship for 8 years and it didnt bother him at all. I know there must be people out there that will except me for who I am I just need to keep looking

 

Yes for now it is part of you but you do want to heal from it, don't you? You don't want to saddle someone into accepting a highly anxious person, do you? It's too much work. Have you tried therapy?

[Toodaloo]

Yes for now it is part of you but you do want to heal from it, don't you? You don't want to saddle someone into accepting a highly anxious person, do you? It's too much work. Have you tried therapy?

 

She is already in therapy...

[salparadise]

I am ultimately looking for a relationship now. I have hooked up with a lot of men in the past and am over just sex now.

 

I'm trying to piece details together and see the big picture... in the first post you said you went out with a guy for a month who wasn't interested in a relationship with you, and you did not sleep with him.

 

This is curious––why would he date you for a month if he wasn't getting sex and wasn't interested in a relationship? Why would you date him at all if he wasn't? Did he tell you up front that he wasn't interested in a relationship, or did it take him a month to figure that out? And if the latter, why didn't you sleep with him, and how long were you planning to hold out?

 

You see, this is a balancing act of sorts. People have all different kinds of notions, but probably the most common scenario for guys goes something like this....

 

Guy is attracted, plus wants sex, but he may also be interested in a relationship.... depending. Girl is interested in a relationship, plus might also be interested in sex... depending. Each has what the other wants, but the priorities are reversed. Guy proves that he's genuinely interested by taking her on dates, not just trying to get her to hookup. Girl gives signals that she's interested in sex, but she holds back awhile to figure out if guy is worthy of sex, and to make sure she's not being played. The guy play along as he assesses sanity, intelligence, and overall compatibility as a relationship partner. In the meantime he's maneuvering for sex. He wants it to happen soonish, she probably prefers that they declare a relationship first, but she also knows that if she holds out too long a) he'll just give up and move on, or b) some other woman will start sexing him while she's holding out.

 

This is the dance, which I'm sure isn't a total mystery to you. But after you said that you used to hookup with guys I realized that holding out for a long time is not about values, morals, etc. You're thinking of it more like a means to an end... as in if you hold out indefinitely he'll eventually capitulate and put a ring on it.

 

I wonder if the month-long guy decided to cut his losses because he wasn't getting sex? Possible? I'd say that's getting toward the far end of a guy's tolerance to be dating a woman without having sex (I'm sure there are a few exceptions).

 

Since I've been divorced I've dated several women (not counting coffee dates). Sex has always happened between the first and fifth date, and always in less than a month. The instance that was fifth date was more on me––she was ready sooner. Third date is pretty common, but so is the first

 

 

 

Yes you are right i need to work on the anxiety but its a part of me. I was in a relationship for 8 years and it didnt bother him at all. I know there must be people out there that will except me for who I am I just need to keep looking

 

Anxiety should not be a deal breaker, depending on the degree and whether it's making your behavior seem strange. I agree that you shouldn't put your life on hold. You may always have some anxiety. The trick is learning to reduce it, cope with it, and function with it rather than waiting on it to go away.

[joseb]

I am ultimately looking for a relationship now. I have hooked up with a lot of men in the past and am over just sex now. Yes you are right i need to work on the anxiety but its a part of me. I was in a relationship for 8 years and it didnt bother him at all. I know there must be people out there that will except me for who I am I just need to keep looking

 

The fact that you used to hookup and now don't have sex for months kinda suggests you are using sex as a manipulative tool. As I said before, this isn't good, and a lot of guys will see through it.

 

Anxiety will be a deal breaker for a lot of guys. I know it would be for me.

 

You seem to just accept it as part of you personality. OK, maybe you might always be prone to anxiety, but no way you should just accept it. It's not a good way to live. You can be so much happier in everything you do once you lose or at least control the anxiety. It's not like eye colour, you can change it.

[thecrucible]

Not suggesting you sleep with a guy on a first date, but if you want to and it feels right, then do it.

 

I think this is my rule of thumb with men. I only have sex when I feel really comfortable with the guy and that I trust him. You want to know what you are getting into and not have a sense of trepidation.

 

One thing i recommend is not going home with guys and then not sleeping with them.

 

I 100% agree with this. If you have really secure boundaries then you never put yourself in a situation where you feel unsafe. I know people who have experienced this. I dated a guy last summer who kept trying to get me to go back to his house but I always said no because I felt uncomfortable with it. But even if you know a guy who doesn't make you feel uncomfortable, it's still good to have these boundaries so you have the guy's respect if it doesn't work out between you.

 

However this guy in question sounds like trouble anyway, best avoided.

 

I agree with this wholeheartedly. He sounds like the ex of a friend of mine and that guy wasn't a good bf due to anger issues (you can tell a lot from how they interact with strangers or when things aren't going their way).

 

I would address your anxiety issues first, then look to date. Dating is supposed to be enjoyable, not anxious. Personally I save any anxiety for very trying situations in work, if dating made me anxious I would not do it!

 

I think this depends. I have anxiety myself and have had it since childhood. If I decided not to do anything just in case I was anxious I would probably not do anything. I think for OP it's about recognising what situations make the anxiety worse. I don't notice my anxiety at all when I'm around the right people. But with the wrong guys, it's been really bad as their behaviour magnifies it. The anxiety doesn't necessarily mean that any guys would notice it on a date, depending what OP's specific situation is like.

 

What I'm trying to say is that trying to treat the issue first and then date might not actually work. I just know for me that the more I push myself to do things, the more it helps me.

[jstar845]

I’m glad that you reached out for support. First, it’s good that you have been working on your anxiety as you have taken the necessary steps to manage this. It can be difficult trying to find the right guy and they may not understand what we experience. I see that this guy has caught up with you. I don’t think you have done anything wrong this far as you have made some great decisions so far. There are pressures that can come with dating and sex, and I see that you want to make sure that he is the right guy. I’m wondering have you thought about if you can see yourself in a long-term relationship with the guy mentioned?.

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

Sadly some guys do, that shouldn't make you feel bad or pressure you into something you don't want to do. Even if you sleep w/them, still doesn't mean they want anything serious w/you. I have been in a situation where the guy ended the date early because he found out I don't sleep around w/random dudes. I really didn't care because that isn't the type of guy I want anyways.