How soon is too soon to move in together or discuss it?

[arla]

I'm 23 and seeing a man who is 32. We've been seeing each other since the first of June, and made it official one month ago. The beginning was confusing because he wouldn't commit or say he was exclusive. But aside from that we have be really happy and things are going well. We have always seen each other 1-4x a week, usually 2-3x. We have spent weekends and a week together. We sleep over at each others places. But it's still early, and we are still learning more about each other.

 

My lease is up November and the options are to move-out or sign a new 2 year lease. He owns a home. I told him that my lease was up and that I wasn't sure if I was going to resign or find a new place that I liked better. Totally unexpectedly he said if I had entertained the idea of living with him. Honestly, I hadn't even thought about it past not being able to for 2 more years if I re-sign.

 

It's confusing because at the beginning (well it never stopped) he came on hard and fast. Sex on the second date, he would have done it on the first date. Compliments and (small) gifts from the beginning. But he wouldn't commit, even though he wasn't seeing anyone else, and said what was the rush. Now it seems like he's going fast with this as well. Maybe that's normal given his age (32, I'm 23) and that he's divorced and wants to be married again.

 

If I do move in with him it's not like I'm stuck there forever. If something happens I can move out and find a new place. But I don't want to rush things and ruin a really great thing. I also don't like the idea of signing a new lease and having no option to live with him until November 2018. Which would be 2.5 years in. Which seems late, but 6 months in seems early.

[LD1990]

You're in a tough spot, mainly because of that ridiculous 2-year renewal requirement. Is that really all your landlord offers? You can't try to negotiate something shorter?

 

Regardless, I'd advise against moving in with him in November. You barely know him at this point. You're still in the honeymoon stage. It's better to wait at least a year.

 

Now, this is coming from someone who had his 20-year-old girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend, in case you were wondering) move in with him after about 4 months of dating, so I understand the temptation.

[BaileyB]

You're in a tough spot, mainly because of that ridiculous 2-year renewal requirement. Is that really all your landlord offers? You can't try to negotiate something shorter?

 

Regardless, I'd advise against moving in with him in November. You barely know him at this point. You're still in the honeymoon stage. It's better to wait at least a year.

 

Exactly my thoughts. I started dating a guy about the same time and I would never move in with him now. Too soon! But, you are in a tough spot with the lease.

[darkbloom]

Moving in together too soon makes it 100x more difficult to break up should you decide to do so.

[arla]

You're in a tough spot, mainly because of that ridiculous 2-year renewal requirement. Is that really all your landlord offers? You can't try to negotiate something shorter?

 

Regardless, I'd advise against moving in with him in November. You barely know him at this point. You're still in the honeymoon stage. It's better to wait at least a year.

 

Now, this is coming from someone who had his 20-year-old girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend, in case you were wondering) move in with him after about 4 months of dating, so I understand the temptation.

 

2 year leases are really common in my city/area. Even moving to another apartment does guarantee I'll be able to get a lease less than 2 years. The odd time I've seen 1 year leases, which would be better. The only time I've heard of shorter leases is with a major rent increase. Which isn't ideal.

 

I do feel like it's too early, though. It just sucks that the options are live with him at 6 months or live with him at 2.5 years. Or pay for an apartment that sits empty.

 

Moving in together too soon makes it 100x more difficult to break up should you decide to do so.

 

My sister moved in with her boyfriend after 3 months of dating. Now 5 years and 2 kids later they are still together but both have said they regret it and feel stuck. Partly because of the kids, but also a large part is that they live together and have for so long.

[LD1990]

I don't know your area and I'm not trying to turn this into an apartment law thread, but I would think that you could possibly break your lease in the future if you find someone else to take over. I mean what landlord would want to go through the process of suing you if you found a new tenant for them?

 

So I wouldn't look at this as "move in with him in November or in 2.5 years." I'd look at it as renewing your lease in November, and then you'll see what the future holds. If you decide to move in with him before your lease is up, you two can figure out a way.

 

You're only 23, and moving in together is a big step. It's better to really make sure you want to settle down first. My ex and I had a chaotic relationship. I think the fact that we lived together prevented us from breaking up several times. And trust me, it doesn't get much worse than being in a huge argument with your partner when you live with them. It's absolutely brutal and draining, and it can affect your whole life negatively. I don't want to give too negative an opinion on living together, my ex and I had some great times, just cautioning you on the downside if you and your boyfriend aren't as compatible as you think right now.

[arla]

Yeah, I really don't want to rush it. I'd rather it unfolds naturally and slowly. Slow is hard but rewarding.

 

I can find a tenant to take over the lease. But I have to pay for all costs associated with that. Which include lawyer fees for each application, cleaning fees, etc. But that's probably a better option.

 

He suggested it and now I don't want to hurt his feelings by saying no...