I'm too picky!

August 26, 2016

I just ended things with a really great buy because I just couldn't make myself want him physically. He's attractive, but kind of nerdish and thin. I've always liked my men to be tall and broad with some meat on their bones. I posted another thread about how the guy I've been involved with for the last six months turned out to be married, but I didn't know. I ended it with him and jumped right into dating a man I had been talking to for a little while on the side since MM was never around and we weren't committed anyway.

So anyway, this new guy is a French attorney. He came to the states to get his masters in international law at a really prestigious college here. He treats me like a queen. Seriously, he is everything I could ever want in a lot of ways! We've gone out several times and he has never once tried to go home with me or even kiss me. He opens doors and pays for everything and just makes me feel appreciated.

But, last night we went out and towards the end of the date we were walking outside down the street late at night in the city and he put his arm around me. I kind of reached out and hugged him back with one arm while walking and then pulled away. I'm just not feeling any physical connection with him. Plus, with the language barrier-- he's been studying English for the last year-- I feel like I always have to get the conversation started and keep it rolling, otherwise he just gets quiet which makes me feel uncomfortable.

This is a great catch of a guy! Comes from a good family from what I can tell and has no major issues. Extremely intelligent and romantic and looking for a serious relationship.

I'm so stupid that I'm still hung up on the jerk that made up a fake name and a fake life to get me to sleep with him for six months. I had real feelings for him and I feel duped, betrayed, confused, and hurt.

I think I need some time to myself to process what has happened to me and try to trust men again. In the meantime I feel like I am just letting someone who genuinely cares about me just pass right by. I wish I could make my heart listen to my head.

He told me after the date that he thought I don't like him. I told him I had just broken up with someone and I need time to heal. Apparently this hurt his feelings a lot and I don't think he wants to wait around and get to know me as a friend. I guess if he liked me enough he would, right?

August 26, 2016

He dodged a bullet

All the best

August 26, 2016

He dodged a bullet

All the best

um....okay?

August 26, 2016

Don't blame him, you shouldn't have been wasting his time

August 26, 2016

Don't blame him, you shouldn't have been wasting his time

How was I wasting his time? We went on a couple of dates so that I could get to know him better. Because I didn't want to jump head first into a serious relationship that's a waste of time?

August 26, 2016

I think some of you men are just bitter about the fact that women tend to go for the jerks. Yes, I know it's true and I am not proud of that. I did end that relationship. I can't really help that I still have feelings for the guy. I wish I could just turn them off but I can't. At least I was honest and upfront from the beginning about my feelings for him. I told him since the beginning that I wanted to get to know him better, but did not think I was ready for something serious yet.

Edited August 26, 2016 by maryquitecontrary

August 26, 2016

Going on a couple of dates with this guy just proved you are not ready to put yourself out there. sometimes we just don't know these things right away....

Stop dating, and focus on yourself. get more involved with hobbies, friends, and going out doing new things and have fun.....enjoy yourself being on your own.

August 26, 2016

I don't think you're picky, we all have our preferences, what we're attracted to and the qualities both physically, emotionally, etc. in a person. I've been in your position before, met someone, great person, but was not the least bit attracted to them. You can't make yourself attracted to someone you're not and even if you went into meeting him without having the breakup freshly behind you, you may still not have been attracted. Different strokes for different folks, we all know what we like and while some people aren't the most attractive from the start, but when you get to know them their personality might make them more attractive, I do sincerely feel there needs to be some attraction in the beginning.

August 26, 2016

He told me after the date that he thought I don't like him. I told him I had just broken up with someone and I need time to heal. Apparently this hurt his feelings a lot and I don't think he wants to wait around and get to know me as a friend. I guess if he liked me enough he would, right?

From his perspective, you used him for free dates, an ego boost, and attention. Friends don't do this. I'm very good friends with a woman who rejected me. If she had treated me the way you treated the man in question, we would not have been friends.

August 26, 2016

Seriously, he is everything I could ever want in a lot of ways! We've gone out several times and he has never once tried to go home with me or even kiss me. He opens doors and pays for everything and just makes me feel appreciated.

But
I'm just not feeling any physical connection with him.

This is a great catch of a guy
Extremely intelligent and romantic and looking for a serious relationship.

..I told him I had just broken up with someone and I need time to heal. Apparently this hurt his feelings a lot and I don't think he wants to wait around...

He likes you, and you don't like him the same way. You like him.. but for different reasons. He is not like your ex, that is why you like him (Who you are not over btw) He knows it, and does not want to waste his time.

There is a difference between waiting around for someone who you are into, and waiting around for someone who is clearly not emotionally available. I mean, you like all his flowery gentlemanly characteristics, but even light physical affection turns you off. That in itself shows where you are at. You are not ready for a relationship as you still have feelings from your ex. Good feelings or bad feelings that need time to heal, its from a past man. So its unfair for this guy to come alone and get stuck in a net of feelings he has nothing to do with. Where is there a relationship without physical connection there? You just are not available and he knows it. The best thing you did was tell him you were not sure if you were ready for something serious... but what does that even mean? Nice dates? holding doors? But cant even put his arm around you without you feeling weird. I agree with the other poster, it looks more like he was a filler guy + free dates. You cant turn off feelings you had for another past guy, but I wonder why this french op guy is even in your life honestly.

Edited August 26, 2016 by gorf

August 26, 2016

It's so ironic. Struggling guys are always complaining that women won't give them a chance beyond a first date when they were too nervous, etc to show who they "really" were. Yet here you did, and you get bashed for it?

It's not either the guy is great on paper but not romantically attractive -or- the guy is attractive but a jerk. There are actually guys out there who you will find both physically attractive and great guys. That's what you need to be on the look for. That's what I have, and I'm confident that you can find the same as well. If there's no attraction, then he's a friend. Don't waste time beyond three or four dates trying to force a connection. You gave him two dates. That's a fair shot. Now, on to the next prospect.

August 26, 2016

Ya I feel sorry for the guy....If I was in his shoes I would feel very used.

August 26, 2016

It's so ironic. Struggling guys are always complaining that women won't give them a chance beyond a first date when they were too nervous, etc to show who they "really" were. Yet here you did, and you get bashed for it?

.

Tho I totally agree with this BUT, they went out "several" times. Maybe figure it out by date 2 or 3? But not 5, 6, or 7 dates.

Guys date women for sex, affection, company, etc. not to be someones friend unless they are gay.

August 26, 2016

You're not ready to date so don't date until you are ready.

Take responsibility for that.

August 26, 2016

I really get annoyed with people who are out there dating when they know they are not ready. The OP CLEARLY knew before going out with this guy that she was not ready to date. Gave NO time to heal from her previous bf. This French guy did the right thing and bailed, didn't turn back. Or hope he doesn't.

Players, people not ready, etc. dating do those of us who are ready a great disservice and waste our valuable time.

Heal yourself...spare the rest of the dating world any more cynicism than there already exists. The title of this thread is absolutely misleading. It's not that you are too picky...it's that you are not ready.

Edited August 26, 2016 by simpleNfit

August 27, 2016

Thanks, most of you for making me feel like a crappy person. I had two dates with the guy so I didn't think i "used" him. And yeah I was rushing myself into getting over someone who did me dirty. I didn't want to pass up an opportunity to meet someone I might really like. It just turned out I didn't.

I've deleted all of my social apps except facebook and I'm taking time out for myself. Thank GOD the guy that hurt me has left the country for a while and won't be able to make contact and tempt me into doing something I know I will regret. He couldn't have left at a better time.

Here's to loving myself.

August 27, 2016

Thanks, most of you for making me feel like a crappy person. I had two dates with the guy so I didn't think i "used" him. And yeah I was rushing myself into getting over someone who did me dirty. I didn't want to pass up an opportunity to meet someone I might really like. It just turned out I didn't.

I've deleted all of my social apps except facebook and I'm taking time out for myself. Thank GOD the guy that hurt me has left the country for a while and won't be able to make contact and tempt me into doing something I know I will regret. He couldn't have left at a better time.

Here's to loving myself.

i agree. How is going on two dates with a great guy "using him"???! Because he paid for the dates??? For both parties, it's a chance to get to know the other person, at any time it could not work out for either one of them. Here's to handing back over the $100 those dates probably took and telling people to STFU. He wouldn't be using her either if he realized it wasn't going to work out.

Anyway, op sounds like you might not be ready to date because you feel too hurt and too hung up. Hopefully the lesson from your bad experience will allow you to appreciate good guys more fully. That said, sometimes there are times when someone can be great on paper and it there just isn't the right attraction to them....or timing. Good luck

August 27, 2016

I had two dates with the guy so I didn't think i "used" him.

i agree. How is going on two dates with a great guy "using him"???! Because he paid for the dates??? For both parties, it's a chance to get to know the other person, at any time it could not work out for either one of them. Here's to handing back over the $100 those dates probably took and telling people to STFU. He wouldn't be using her either if he realized it wasn't going to work out.

To be fair, the OP didn't say it was just two dates. This is all we had to go on. Several means more than two.

I ended it with him and jumped right into dating a man I had been talking to for a little while on the side since MM was never around and we weren't committed anyway.

We've gone out several times and he has never once tried to go home with me or even kiss me. He opens doors and pays for everything and just makes me feel appreciated.

August 27, 2016

Look, if we were all attracted to every other person, we'd be like a pack of hyenas. There's no accounting for it. Sometimes there's just not a connection or sometimes there's just no sexual spark that makes you want to touch them.

And by the way, you haven't know this guy long enough to really know. In another year he could turn into a jerk. Men are always on their best-of-show behavior the first few months. That can change drastically later on and/or after you sleep with them and they've met their goal. For all you know, this guy could have a mistress back home or a wife or both. He IS French.

Anyway, if it isn't there, it isn't there.

I had one once looked great on paper. Met him through a friend. Admittedly he wasn't my type (creative/arty or musician), but handsome blond, family had money, working on his PhD in marine biology to end up in oil exploration. He'd fly long distance to spend some weekends with me. After awhile, nothing ever happened because I felt no spark and he didn't push it at all. Was taking it slow. Personality was too mild for me too. I had to carry the conversation. We let it slip away by me just telling him I was busy one weekend and he married the next woman he dated, and good for her. Hope he found his match. I wasn't her.

August 27, 2016

Not my concern how many times she dated this guy or whether she "used" him. She WAS NOT READY to date and was aware of this. In the least, she wasted this guys time. Again, this is not about being picky....she dated a guy who may or may not have thought there was promise not knowing that THERE WASN'T because she was not ready to be involved.

OP. Just stop dating until you are ready. It is unfair to those who are ready to be strung along however brief.

August 27, 2016

for the love of all things in this world, I just don't think I can hear or read the phrase "not ready for a relationship" again

should be banned in all countries!!

August 28, 2016

I'm so stupid that I'm still hung up on the jerk that made up a fake name and a fake life to get me to sleep with him for six months. I had real feelings for him and I feel duped, betrayed, confused, and hurt.

PLEASE tell me you told this pig's wife what a disgusting POS she married.

And if you didn't hunt her down and tell her everything as you should have done, then you're keeping this POS's secret FOR him.

And if you're keeping this POS's secret FOR him, then that means he's going to go on and do what he did to you to another innocent woman. Actually, the low life probably already has started another fake relationship with someone else. This is the scumbag you're 'mourning' while DECENT men get the shaft.

I think I need some time to myself to process what has happened to me and try to trust men again. In the meantime I feel like I am just letting someone who genuinely cares about me just pass right by. I wish I could make my heart listen to my head.

I'm absolutely floored that you can have ANY feelings toward a lying POS that conned you from Day #1 just to get himself a strange piece of ass on the side. The only thing I'd be feeling is complete disgust.

Yup, it's a crying shame that someone decent - such as this guy - has to pay for the sins of a lying, cheating, lowlife conning scumbag who you SHOULD have outed to his wife.

Thank GOD the guy that hurt me has left the country for a while and won't be able to make contact and tempt me into doing something I know I will regret. He couldn't have left at a better time.

For the love of God, WHERE is your self respect?

Edited August 28, 2016 by Lois_Griffin

August 28, 2016

From his perspective, you used him for free dates, an ego boost, and attention. Friends don't do this. I'm very good friends with a woman who rejected me. If she had treated me the way you treated the man in question, we would not have been friends.

This 100%.

I have women friends and the only reason they are friends is because they didn't lead me on, use me as an ATM, or waste my time.

August 28, 2016

It's so ironic. Struggling guys are always complaining that women won't give them a chance beyond a first date when they were too nervous, etc to show who they "really" were. Yet here you did, and you get bashed for it?

It's not either the guy is great on paper but not romantically attractive -or- the guy is attractive but a jerk. There are actually guys out there who you will find both physically attractive and great guys. That's what you need to be on the look for. That's what I have, and I'm confident that you can find the same as well. If there's no attraction, then he's a friend. Don't waste time beyond three or four dates trying to force a connection. You gave him two dates. That's a fair shot. Now, on to the next prospect.

She isn't attracted to him.

He isn't her physical type.

She'd been talking to him on the side before hand so she knew this well before date 1 but still went out with him.

she KNOWS it wasn't going anywhere.

She wanted to keep going out with him though.

So yes, she is wasting his time and he was right in bailing.

He even told her why he was going to stop wasting his time on her.

I know people who do this because they need attention from the opposite sex.

Women do it more than men because men usually have hobbies or other things to keep them busy.

Edited August 28, 2016 by phineas

August 28, 2016

Not my concern how many times she dated this guy or whether she "used" him. She WAS NOT READY to date and was aware of this. In the least, she wasted this guys time. Again, this is not about being picky....she dated a guy who may or may not have thought there was promise not knowing that THERE WASN'T because she was not ready to be involved.

OP. Just stop dating until you are ready. It is unfair to those who are ready to be strung along however brief.

I think she didn't know that she wasn't ready until she got into it. That's not that different than one or the other party just not feeling it a few dates in or feeling like they are not compatible or whatever. It's just the process of dating. I agree though that at least with how she has described this situation, being picky is not the issue. She may or may not be but it doesn't seem to be what she describes as going on here at the moment. She just sounds like she's still hung up and not ready.

I think her post was somewhat of a stream of consciousness for which she got jumped on like she used the guy. If he's all those good qualities she described I'm sure he will survive. People need to lighten up. It's dating.

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