Should this be a dealbreaker?

[catharting]

My BF and I have been together for two years. He's a wonderful man - thoughtful, responsible, and affectionate - and I've given serious thought to suggesting that we get engaged. But I've just found out something that makes me wonder if I know him at all.

 

We met through his female cousin - who is co-worker of mine. She and I were at a girls night out recently and after we'd all had a couple of drinks I was rambling on about all my BF's great qualities. Then she cut in by asking, using vulgar language, if he was good in bed. When I stiffly replied that was none of her business, she mumbled, "No, I suppose it isn't."

 

When I told my BF about her offensive behavior, he surprised me by complaining that I had over-reacted. I knew they had grown up together and always been close, but I still felt he was wrong to take her side. It led to us having a big fight. In the course of which, he revealed that back when they were in college they had discussed having romantic feelings for each other. They had decided not to act on them out of concern for spoiling their relationship and antagonizing their families, but it had remained in the background for some time. Apparently it's still there for her, although he says that he walked away from that possibility before we ever met.

 

Frankly I find the thought of him having been attracted to his cousin disgusting - despite his claim that it's not uncommon. I guess I'm glad that he was sensible enough not to act on it, but now I'm worried about what other weird things I might not know about him. Should I suggest we seek counseling or something?

[da'Playa]

no i don' think so. being physically attracted to your cousin isn't a weird thing. yeah my cousin is freaking hot...but would i ever do anything with her? hell no...that would make it weird...you can't decide who you are attracted to and it really isn't his fault he may have found her physically attractive at one time...but he made the choice to not act upon that attraction, you should see that as a positive thing. I think you are blowing this way out of porportion

[very-confused-girl]

No, no counseling. You are overacting. He does not need counseling. When I was a small girl I liked one of my cousins as well. I felt very shy when he was around and did not feel very comfortable.

 

Obviously this has changed with time and now I dont have troubles being around him.

 

What happened to him is kind of normal, because cousin is somebody who you dont get to see everyday, therefore you can be attracted to him/her, although he is your family.

 

I would believe that he does not have any romantic feelings for her anymore but I would consider her question about his performance a bit inappropriate.

 

She most likely in the past was having thoughts about how would he be in bed, since she probably had romantic feelings for him as well, and I do believe she does not have them any longer, but just the curiosity is what remained in her mind.

 

He is with you, not with her, obviously so dont worry. Plus by the way you really cant hold against him the fact that she asked you that questions. He is not responsible for what she says.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

This is not something that needs a ton of discussion, IMO, but to sum it up.

 

1. The cousin was (slightly) out of line asking you the question, but if you were both drinking and having fun, I know that women (ok, and men too) often say those sorts of things when they are comfortable with someone (such as his female cousin must have been comfortable with you).

 

2. I don't really know why you even brought this up with your BF. But you did, and he told you that you were overreacting to her comment (which I think is probably true). Is this somewhat of a sore spot with your BF, because he probably has some issues of his own with the physical attraction he once felt with his cousin? Yes. But don't rub his nose in it. He has dealt with it, and not acted on it, so let it be.

 

3. I don't really know why your BF even mentioned that he once had an attraction for his cousin (as thousands of people have at one point or another in their lives, but did not act on). Think about it, how many people, over a few or quite a few drinks with their cousin, have said something like, "ya know, if you weren't my cousin...", felt a little awkward after saying that, and then just dropped it. It's normal, but most people do not act on that, as their actions are put in check by society's taboo on that sort of thing. Also remember, that for some reason he chose to share those feelings he once had with you, probably because he trusts you, knows he did nothing wrong, and wants to be open with you because he loves and cares about you.

 

4. He didn't act on it, so what is the big deal? People will sometimes be physically attracted to other attractive people of the opposite sex, even if those people are not people who society deems that they should hook up with. He followed society's conventions, did not act on that feeling, and moved on. He has shown no signs of wanting to act on it, and has told you that he walked away from that possibility a very long time ago.

 

5. You can be sure nothing happened between he and his cousin, because if it had, his cousin would not be asking YOU if he was good in bed or not (she would already know that).

 

MANY people need therapy or counseling to deal with issues in their relationships. You and your boyfriend, are not among those people - at least not based on this issue. Enjoy his company, don't overreact, and rest comfortably (if you really care), in the knowledge that in the distant past, he did not do the cousin.

 

You can't blame a man (or a woman, for that matter) for having feelings in the past before you were together, only for what he did or did not act on (and even then, unless it is something really depraved, it is usually better to leave it in the past if that is where it truly is). In this case, your man did the thing which society deems appropriate and did not sleep with his cousin. If he had, then you would have to ask yourself if that was something you seriously cared about if it was in the past, and if you did care, if it was something you could get over or not (and as a side note, it is legal in about half of the US states to marry your first cousin, even though it would not be something that I, or most people, and clearly not your BF either, would choose to do). Lucky for you, he didn't, so don't worry about it.

 

DO however, ask yourself if there are other things about him, that may not be exactly what you are looking for in a potential husband. If you latched onto something this minor as a reason to not get engaged, and possibly seek therapy, you may want to think about what else about him is not exactly what you are looking for, before taking the plunge.

[prisoner]

run away now. the good news is you have time and can walk away with some dignity intact. the bad news is the cracks are beginning to show and he is going to start major repair works.

 

another year could go by. look while he is not responsible for what someone else says it has sparked an unknown fear in him.

 

Is his cousin living vicariously? Did she fix him up to get him off of her mind? has she ever crossed his mind while you are kissing? face the facts: you have turned over a stone and you need to keep digging.

 

asked him about the past? he was quick to anger? would you describe it as an abnormally intense emotional reaction? has he been strange when she is around? has he seemed reluctant to see her socially, ever? if any of that is true and more: he is repressing something. ask him if those feelings have passed? ask him how they passed. how does he know that he is not still attracted to her.

 

If the only reason they are not together is because they are family then you will be competing with her whether you know it or not.

 

your instincts to question and learn more are correct. you have got to understand that engaged means turning all of the lights on beforehand.

 

ask all the questions now. if any of the answers are unpleasant you do not want them later.

[moimeme]

One of my cousins came to visit when I was a teenager. I hadn't seen him since he was a little kid. Suddenly he was all grown up and he's very witty and charming. I and my friends all got little crushes on him. Guy looks nothing like me and I didn't see him at all when I was younger so it was just like meeting any other stranger.

He's my cousin, married now, and I would never have done anything but these things happen.

 

In short, you are way overreacting.