Boyfriend is so Needy/Clingy!

[Parrotlet]

I've been dating my boyfriend for 8 months, and he is really great. However, he has a major issue. He wants to hang out literally every minute of every day. Grocery shopping, gym, cooking, cleaning, all can be done together! He wants to meet up for lunch and then meet again in the evening, and calls and texts in between. If I'm not out with friends or family, he expects me to be hanging out with him. The problem is, while I love being with him, I don't ever want to spend every waking minute with him. I like to have alone time. I want to do my nails, and clean my apartment without tripping over the man. Its lovely that he is so caring and attentive, but his constant presence is driving me batty.

 

Any time I express a need for an evening alone, he freaks out. He seems to take it as a personal rejection of him, and says that I am being mean. I have tried to explain to him that my desire for solitude isn't about him. Its about me, and having time for myself. He literally doesn't ever want to be alone. Anytime I schedule something without him, he runs to the nearest available person. I need alone time, and every time I try to be on my own, we have a fight.

 

Is there any solution to this? Is there any way I can explain this better so he understands where I'm coming from? Apart from lying about being with friends to get some down time, how can I get a little more space without starting a fight?

[Shanex]

Yes these kind of guys tend to make the ladies run, very far.

 

Explain that you need time for yourself and you can't be tied to each other 24/7.

 

Solitude is underrated anyway. Not only for celibate but even married people will enjoy an evening by themselves while their spouse will be out with friends they've known for years, like those high-school reunion.

 

We always need time for ourself, alone, take a deep breath and think about our lives without someone around.

[Jejangles]

I think you need to clearly express your boundary to him - that you need alone time to function. If he can't accept that and not make you feel bad about it, maybe he isn't the one for you. How is it going to work if you guys proceed forward in a relationship and move in together or get married? Is he constantly going to be arms length away? Some people might like that, but it sounds suffocating to me!

 

I am a person who needs a fair amount of alone time. I grew up as an only child and have lived on my own for 8 years now. I am used to having time to myself! My boyfriend would probably be happy hanging out every night, but he respects my need for my own time. I think it would be a dealbreaker if he didn't.

[Popsicle]

Explain to him the difference between an introvert and extrovert. Hopefully, that will help him understand. (even tho extroverts often take it personally when introverts need alone time)

[basil67]

I very much doubt that he will be able to understand where you're coming from - so instead, you will have to aim for acceptance on his part.

 

"This is what I need. I feel X and Y when I don't get it. I cannot continue in a relationship without it" Of course, only say this if you're actually prepared to walk away if he cannot give you that space.

[Jejangles]

Thinking about it more, maybe you need to express your need to him as Basil67 suggested and then work together for how to make it happen in a way that works for both of you. Maybe you have one or two set nights a week that are set aside as "alone" nights. Maybe he preplans activities with his friends / family for at least once a week, and lets you know when that is, so you can keep that night free.

 

You could also use his negative reaction to your need for alone time as a launching pad for a discussion of why he feels that way. Why is your need for alone time a trigger for him? And how can you help him with it?

[preraph]

No, he's never going to understand, so it's just not a good match. I totally understand. I need space. I feel suffocated if I don't get it and can't relax, so it just exhausts me having someone around for too long, no matter who they are. He's going to fuss every time you're away and then you'll break up because he assumes you are cheating. So rather than let it get ugly, I think you should just tell him you're not a good match.

[wildfiremichael]

I've been dating my boyfriend for 8 months, and he is really great. However, he has a major issue. He wants to hang out literally every minute of every day. Grocery shopping, gym, cooking, cleaning, all can be done together! He wants to meet up for lunch and then meet again in the evening, and calls and texts in between. If I'm not out with friends or family, he expects me to be hanging out with him. The problem is, while I love being with him, I don't ever want to spend every waking minute with him. I like to have alone time. I want to do my nails, and clean my apartment without tripping over the man. Its lovely that he is so caring and attentive, but his constant presence is driving me batty.

 

Any time I express a need for an evening alone, he freaks out. He seems to take it as a personal rejection of him, and says that I am being mean. I have tried to explain to him that my desire for solitude isn't about him. Its about me, and having time for myself. He literally doesn't ever want to be alone. Anytime I schedule something without him, he runs to the nearest available person. I need alone time, and every time I try to be on my own, we have a fight.

 

Is there any solution to this? Is there any way I can explain this better so he understands where I'm coming from? Apart from lying about being with friends to get some down time, how can I get a little more space without starting a fight?

 

I had colleague, who was like that with his girlfriend.

 

One of the big reasons why he wanted to spend time with his girlfriend all the time was that he had nothing else to do (besides not being matured yet).

 

So if you want to keep him, and I'm speaking from a guys perspective - try encourage him to do more stuff with his friends or be a cheerleader to him in whatever he likes to do with his time. (he must have SOMETHING besides spending time with you?)

 

If you are going to confront him full on, it might work too with the results of more fighting but he'll feel much worse about the relationship (assuming he's not matured yet).

 

Another option is to get really vulnerable and let him know (without any presumptions), something like:

that you would like more space because you have things you like to do by yourself and that you love him.

 

That might make him feel more at ease and understand on a deeper level.

 

 

Hope it helps and good luck!

 

wildfiremichael

[jen1447]

I'm not a psychologist but whenever I've seen this trait in ppl to the extent of your BF it's always seemed to be a serious psychological issue w them, not just an abstract desire to constantly hang out w their partner. (It's like they have to be w somebody at all times and they get real anxious if they're alone.) So in that sense it prob doesn't actually have a lot to do w you, and that means doing the boundary thing won't fix it. I mean, it might fix it for you, but meanwhile he'll be sitting somewhere fretting and working on his ulcer until he can get back w you again.

 

Not sure what to say ....if it's that bad, he might need professional help.

[WhirlwindGuy]

My girlfriend and I have plenty of built in alone time due to work and family obligations, for instance this weekend I will be away saturday and sunday with my son. That said...we tend to hang out a lot when we don't have those things going on.

 

 

What happens when (or if) you progress to the point of moving in with someone and getting married? Will you insist that person (or you) leave the house a few days a week? I would imagine that you would always have girls / guys nights, but is that enough time apart? Is being in the living room doing your nails and he in the office on the computer enough alone time for you? I am honestly jut curious how people with this need overcome that aspect.

 

 

I don't necessarily feel the need to be with my girlfriend 24/7, but then again, I don't feel the need to be away from her either. I will say that I much more prefer spending time with her doing thing than apart, but that is not always feasible. We just kind of let whatever happens happen. Our default state tends to be together, but we are both busy and have plenty of time with outside obligations.

[GemmaUK]

Is there any solution to this? Is there any way I can explain this better so he understands where I'm coming from?

 

No. I don't think there is.

All you can do is keep on stating your boundaries but it probably won't get through.

He sounds very insecure/co dependant and there's nothing you can do to help that.

Also, this kind of behaviour can be one of the first signs of controlling/abusive behaviour so just keep your eyes open for other signs of this. EG: Isolation - he is displaying that already.

 

Are your life values similar? What do you each expect from a long term relationship?

[leogirl876]

That wouldn't work for me and I don't think he'll change either. Does he not have a job or school or something? If he doesn't, he's probably sitting around all day bored, and you're his source of entertainment. To me it sound like you're not compatible and he either needs to find someone who wants to be up his a$$ all the time or you need to find someone who's more independent.

[PogoStick]

You're not being mean, in fact he's doing the "nice guy" kind of mean by guilting you and not caring about your needs.

 

Absolutely do not lie to him, don't dance around the problem. You need to be assertive and set your foot down. Tell him very clearly that you need regular time apart, entire days, and some of the texting even has to stop. If these things can't be resolved then it will be a deal breaker for your relationship.

 

He has an unhealthy insecurity and should be seeking therapy to deal with his issues. I can only imagine the resistance he will put up for that.

[elisalynn]

My boyfriend is a lot like this too. He ALWAYS wants to be around people and does not like being alone. If it were up to him, we would spend every night together. At first I thought it was weird, but then it was sweet, and now it's tiring. I've never been good at setting a strong boundary around it, so I know how you feel. If I told him I didn't want to hang out, he would seem really sad or like he took it personally. If we don't hang out on certain nights, he almost Always ends up finding someone else to hang out with.

 

Several months ago I had a chat with him and tried to explain that I needed more alone time and tried to explain why. Even if he couldn't understand the introverted thing, he could understand that we have different work schedules and I needed more sleep and more time to get chores and laundry done. I also had to tell him that when he "pouted" about not hanging out, it really influenced me and I would want to take care of his needs and not my own; so, I made it clear to him that his only response could be ,"okay, have a good night." He would still try to negotiate it by asking if he could still come over just to sleep after he went to hang out with other people and I had to tell him firmly that he could not. He has been pretty good at going along with my boundaries now that I set them; now I just have to set them more often...

 

I'm sure there's a part of it that is insecurity on the guys part or some sort of co-dependency or avoiding dealing with life; but also, in my case, my boyfriend grew up in a family of 12 people in a small house, so he is just used to being around people all the time and prefers it. To each their own.

[BaileyB]

My dad is like this - he would prefer to spend 24/7 with someone. He didn't really cultivate friends or hobbies because my mom was ok with his need to be together and do things together. After she passed away, he was so lost! He could not fill his days and he was very, very lonely. He jumped into another relationship ASAP which met his needs somewhat, except his new girlfriend has lots of friends and hobbies so she doesn't want to spend 24/7 with him. It's been interesting watching him try to cope with everything since we lost my mom.

 

Watching him, I have long said I NEVER want to date someone who is like this. I enjoy my space a little too much than to want to be with someone 24/7. I also don't want to be responsible for someone else's happiness in the way that my dad has made my mom/his girlfriend responsible for his own happiness. Thankfully, I have met a really nice guy who has a nice balance of time together and time alone...

 

It comes down to compatibility. If you voice your needs and he is not able to respect that, you may not be very compatible. And, this may or may not be a deal breaker for your relationship. Good luck.

Edited August 5, 2016 by BaileyB

[pteromom]

Any time I express a need for an evening alone, he freaks out. He seems to take it as a personal rejection of him, and says that I am being mean. I have tried to explain to him that my desire for solitude isn't about him.

 

So when he "freaks out", he gets the payoff of reassurance from you.

 

STOP DOING THAT.

 

Next time he freaks out, just leave. Walk out. DO NOT REWARD that behavior at all.

 

Turn off your phone. Even if it hurts you to do so.

 

At the end of your evening alone, call him and act like nothing is going on and that you had a relaxing evening, and that you are happy to talk to him (Probably the first time you do this, you'll spend your entire time alone fretting about what he is doing/thinking, but he doesn't need to know that.)

 

If he starts freaking out again when you check in, tell him very kindly that you will talk to him in the morning when he calms down. Hang up...gently.

 

Again - turn off your phone.

 

In the morning, call him again. Again, act happy to talk to him. If he starts freaking out again, repeat that you'll talk to him when he is calm.

 

When he is able to have a CALM conversation, tell him that you had a great evening alone. This is what you did, etc. And that you are really looking forward to seeing him tonight.

 

He will learn that you can GO AWAY and COME BACK and that everything is ok. That GOING AWAY doesn't mean forever and it doesn't = loss.

 

Of course, if he has some kind of psychological disorder, he might not be able to learn that lesson.

 

When you see him that evening, you jump into his arms, give him a big kiss, and THAT is when you give him the reassurance - when you come back and he learns everything is ok. Teach him that you going off on your own = a better relationship for both of you.

 

Good luck.

[preraph]

My girlfriend and I have plenty of built in alone time due to work and family obligations, for instance this weekend I will be away saturday and sunday with my son. That said...we tend to hang out a lot when we don't have those things going on.

 

 

What happens when (or if) you progress to the point of moving in with someone and getting married? Will you insist that person (or you) leave the house a few days a week? I would imagine that you would always have girls / guys nights, but is that enough time apart? Is being in the living room doing your nails and he in the office on the computer enough alone time for you? I am honestly jut curious how people with this need overcome that aspect.

 

 

I don't necessarily feel the need to be with my girlfriend 24/7, but then again, I don't feel the need to be away from her either. I will say that I much more prefer spending time with her doing thing than apart, but that is not always feasible. We just kind of let whatever happens happen. Our default state tends to be together, but we are both busy and have plenty of time with outside obligations.

 

In marriage, usually you're both busy working and not just sitting around hanging out. Usually the kids take up so much of the mother's time, there's little chance the husband can get any private time. And plenty of couples retire to their respective rooms and get space that way. Very few just follow each other around the house. I mean, there is nothing much to talk about after awhile.