deciphering "man language"

[CiaoBellaaa]

Met guy, been talking for 2.5 months. Connection is CRAZY amazing, and we’ve been texting daily like our life depended on it. I noticed he started to do things a little differently after about 1.5 months or so…less selfies, less GM texts, no more GN texts at all, then the daily texts started to get slower, and later sometimes, but we still always talk every day.

 

Last Friday things got really strange, VERY delayed text (after work), then one day this week he didn’t respond. I received a text from the day after apologizing, telling me “he was overwhelmed and when he left work he shut down” then told me that he “is still adjusting to having someone to talk to daily since he hasn’t had someone like that in his life for a couple years”.

 

Being a woman, I worry he’s lost interest. But tbh I don’t know what ANY of this means, esp. “adjusting”. Idk if it means he’s catching serious feelings and is getting a bit scared, idk if it means he’s met someone… What is the decoded man message here? Hoping to have some men interpret what they think it may mean...

Edited July 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[kolleamm]

People make up the craziest excuses. If you want the cold hard truth he probably lost interest. Trust your instincts.

[smudge21]

That's not so much a man message as a simple relationship experience. It happens for us guys too, when women start to fade a bit. Basically there's two totally different people coming together and there's bound to be many differences between them. In the beginning everything is always exciting and fun and then it starts to calm down a bit. Now for someone who is used to constant contact or even a little insecure (aren't we all) this can seem very worrying, but just because someone gets a bit quiet you shouldn't presume the worse. They're just different to you and react differently. You're basically making presumptions based on your own insecurities and fears.

 

Now with that said, sadly for me it did mean she was moving on, albeit very slowly. But that doesn't mean the same is happening here. It's still very early on and you're both feeling each other out, so to speak. Just see how it goes and if things bother you, then simply ask him. You're both still in contact and other than the contact being less than what it was, is there really anything else to justify your concerns?

 

Oddly I find it funny when people worry about others getting in touch because often you'll find that they too don't get in touch with certain people for whatever reason.

[basil67]

have you ever met him? How often do you hang out together?

[CiaoBellaaa]

That's not so much a man message as a simple relationship experience. It happens for us guys too, when women start to fade a bit. Basically there's two totally different people coming together and there's bound to be many differences between them. In the beginning everything is always exciting and fun and then it starts to calm down a bit. Now for someone who is used to constant contact or even a little insecure (aren't we all) this can seem very worrying, but just because someone gets a bit quiet you shouldn't presume the worse. They're just different to you and react differently. You're basically making presumptions based on your own insecurities and fears.

 

Now with that said, sadly for me it did mean she was moving on, albeit very slowly. But that doesn't mean the same is happening here. It's still very early on and you're both feeling each other out, so to speak. Just see how it goes and if things bother you, then simply ask him. You're both still in contact and other than the contact being less than what it was, is there really anything else to justify your concerns?

 

Oddly I find it funny when people worry about others getting in touch because often you'll find that they too don't get in touch with certain people for whatever reason.

 

 

Yeah...when he started to slow down a bit, then I "took a hint" and started to mirror him. I just hope he didn't perceive that as my not being interested, but I see no sense in doing the work. NO way.

[CiaoBellaaa]

have you ever met him? How often do you hang out together?

 

Interesting...no! haha This is all long distance...so we've been keeping the flame going hard and strong for 2.5 months. He is actually coming to see me in just a matter of days...like 10 days or so. I'm starting to think he may be getting scared because this is all starting to become real to him...?

[CryForNoOne]

Interesting...no! haha This is all long distance...so we've been keeping the flame going hard and strong for 2.5 months. He is actually coming to see me in just a matter of days...like 10 days or so. I'm starting to think he may be getting scared because this is all starting to become real to him...?

 

Wow. That explains it. Who messages for 2.5 months straight without losing some interest/momentum? You're overthinking. You also strung this out too long...

[CiaoBellaaa]

Wow. That explains it. Who messages for 2.5 months straight without losing some interest/momentum? You're overthinking. You also strung this out too long...

 

I hear you. But...that was him. It was $$$ for him. He does have a ticket...I have seen the confirmation. He is set to come here in 10 days. So he has a bit of an investment now... Even still, for someone who hasn't dated in 2 years I'm not sure 2 months is stringing it out long...he may be trying to get his feet wet and taking his time.

[kendahke]

Met guy, been talking for 2.5 months. Connection is CRAZY amazing, and we’ve been texting daily like our life depended on it. I noticed he started to do things a little differently after about 1.5 months or so…less selfies, less GM texts, no more GN texts at all, then the daily texts started to get slower, and later sometimes, but we still always talk every day. Last Friday things got really strange, VERY delayed text (after work), then one day this week he didn’t respond. I received a text from the day after apologizing, telling me “he was overwhelmed and when he left work he shut down” then told me that he “is still adjusting to having someone to talk to daily since he hasn’t had someone like that in his life for a couple years”. Being a woman, I worry he’s lost interest. But tbh I don’t know what ANY of this means, esp. “adjusting”. Idk if it means he’s catching serious feelings and is getting a bit scared, idk if it means he’s met someone… What is the decoded man message here? Hoping to have some men interpret what they think it may mean...

 

I dunno... I don't see a reason why he should mean anything other than he "was overwhelmed and when he left work he shut down".

 

When you're used to not having to account to anyone and then there is someone new in your life on a daily basis and there is, as you say a CRAZY amazing connection, you can feel overwhelmed by how well things have gone, how it fits into the obligations already in place in your life, can you meet this person's expectations--are their expectations realistic for the length of time this has been in play?

 

I'd say that he is probably "catching some serious feelings" and most likely doesn't know what your intentions and expectations are. Might be a good time to start having conversations about what your definitions are about expectations, boundaries, intent, trust, etc. A ship stays afloat when you know where to steer it.

 

Him taking a step back is not a bad thing unless you feel that your only validation is him giving you attention on your terms.

[kendahke]

Interesting...no! haha This is all long distance...so we've been keeping the flame going hard and strong for 2.5 months. He is actually coming to see me in just a matter of days...like 10 days or so. I'm starting to think he may be getting scared because this is all starting to become real to him...?

 

Or he's wrapping up loose ends from his already-in-place obligations before his trip to meet you.

 

Oh, so this is a LDR and you haven't met yet.

 

I just met a guy I'd been talking to long distance for about 2 years and it's quite true that you really meet them for the first time when you're standing in front of them. I was fortunate in this respect: we both liked one another instantly when we saw one another and even more so as we truly got to know one another and experience each other in 3-d in real time.

 

Make sure the guy you've built him up to be is compatible with who he actually is in the flesh because for some people, that can be 2 very different experiences.

 

Best wishes to your relationship's success.

[CiaoBellaaa]

I dunno... I don't see a reason why he should mean anything other than he "was overwhelmed and when he left work he shut down".

 

When you're used to not having to account to anyone and then there is someone new in your life on a daily basis and there is, as you say a CRAZY amazing connection, you can feel overwhelmed by how well things have gone, how it fits into the obligations already in place in your life, can you meet this person's expectations--are their expectations realistic for the length of time this has been in play?

 

I'd say that he is probably "catching some serious feelings" and most likely doesn't know what your intentions and expectations are. Might be a good time to start having conversations about what your definitions are about expectations, boundaries, intent, trust, etc. A ship stays afloat when you know where to steer it.

 

Him taking a step back is not a bad thing unless you feel that your only validation is him giving you attention on your terms.

 

 

I agree with you, and he's been pretty reliable for communicating his opinions, etc. with me thus far. I just think for being so new and not knowing much about men in general (dating), it's hard...via experiences I have come to know, at least the mean I dated, weren't so forthcoming about emotions. so that is what makes things tricky. Tbh I want him to have space. I am not the type of woman who probes, quizzes, questions, accuses, or dictates anything. If someone wants to be with me it should be of his own volition, and not by any terms of anything. So I'm glad he's taking a bit of space, really. I think for me I have insecurities because I have chosen men previously who were poor communicators and who had no integrity or respect for women. So I think a bit of my anxiety is really related to fear of getting hurt again...and also because I am so forward with my communication, not having an outlet to do so is a bit unsettling. But I am putting his needs first right now, at least in this "connection". Last I want to do is chase him away. He really is a solid, down to earth, good guy. So even if he is losing interest, I don't want to punish him by constant probing, texting, etc. I've just dropped everything. Let him know if he wants to talk, that I'm here for him. I"m going to give him a few days and see what happens... Clearly at some point something needs to be said by one of us, since he is due here in a few days...

[CiaoBellaaa]

Or he's wrapping up loose ends from his already-in-place obligations before his trip to meet you.

 

Oh, so this is a LDR and you haven't met yet.

 

I just met a guy I'd been talking to long distance for about 2 years and it's quite true that you really meet them for the first time when you're standing in front of them. I was fortunate in this respect: we both liked one another instantly when we saw one another and even more so as we truly got to know one another and experience each other in 3-d in real time.

 

Make sure the guy you've built him up to be is compatible with who he actually is in the flesh because for some people, that can be 2 very different experiences.

 

Best wishes to your relationship's success.

 

Thank you...agreed. And someone above commented on dragging it out for 2.5 months...what is good for you may not be the same for him. I think when someone hasn't opened themselves up in so long, they can't dictate a timeline of comfortability. Obviously he's taking things slowly and starting to date again, so I think rushing anything is never a good idea. I let him do this on his own time frame. I've met people after several months, I've met ppl after several weeks, it's subjective to what he is feeling.

 

Anyways thanks for your feedback.

[kendahke]

even if he is losing interest, I don't want to punish him by constant probing, texting, etc. I've just dropped everything. Let him know if he wants to talk, that I'm here for him. I"m going to give him a few days and see what happens... Clearly at some point something needs to be said by one of us, since he is due here in a few days...

 

I seriously doubt he's losing interest on the cusp of meeting you in person. He'd have just cancelled the trip if that's the case, I would hope.

 

Let this build critical mass. I think he's tying up loose ends, getting things in order for the trip, and since it's about visiting you, he may think that that is showing you that he's connected to you--because he's making all of these plans, arrangements and investments of time and money for you.

 

I think that for him, the whole notion of your relationship may be maturing in some way for him--would be wise on your part also to look at how the relationship matures on your end.

 

I could be woefully wrong, too, but this is what I think based on what you've shared so far. What plans are you making for when he's in town?

[Bialy]

That's a long time to be communicating without actually meeting the person.

 

I really hope it works out in person.

 

Have you ever talked on the phone?

[CiaoBellaaa]

I seriously doubt he's losing interest on the cusp of meeting you in person. He'd have just cancelled the trip if that's the case, I would hope.

 

Let this build critical mass. I think he's tying up loose ends, getting things in order for the trip, and since it's about visiting you, he may think that that is showing you that he's connected to you--because he's making all of these plans, arrangements and investments of time and money for you.

 

I think that for him, the whole notion of your relationship may be maturing in some way for him--would be wise on your part also to look at how the relationship matures on your end.

 

I could be woefully wrong, too, but this is what I think based on what you've shared so far. What plans are you making for when he's in town?

 

When i release my anxiety, i see that is what is going on also...with a little bit of getting a little scared of what this could mean in the long run (more serious).

 

I asked him if he wanted to do a day trip to a museum, and that I would take him...so I sent him some options that he checked out, that is definitely on the table. Aside from that, really just getting to know each other in person over video games, mutual cooking, taking walks, maybe a trip to a trampoline park, maybe grab some seafood, and definitely connect a little in my house, too, without the noise of the world. Trying to infuse some fun so it's not just sitting around, talking, feeling nervous and anchored. I told him anything he wants to see is fine too...any other attractions. Goal is to just be lively and fun, and live in the here and now...

[CiaoBellaaa]

That's a long time to be communicating without actually meeting the person.

 

I really hope it works out in person.

 

Have you ever talked on the phone?

 

Absolutely! All the time. Hours and hours and hours. We also Skype on the weekend, also for hours and hours and hours...

[Versacehottie]

oh gosh, usually I'm the last to say things like this: the fact that you are not hearing from him at night worries me a bit. To me, that would potentially be an indication that he is starting to date or talk to someone else (maybe locally). Anyway, I could be and hope I am wrong.

 

I do think that he could be panicking about meeting in person after all this time and the relationship becoming real, in a long distance situation.

 

Here's the thing, in spite of what I have said, throw all the guesses of what's going on out of the window. Bring your best and move forward as if everything is normal in the coming days and in person. That is the best way to get your best results. Worrying about things won't change them for the better. Good luck!

[preraph]

You need to at least Skype before he comes. He could be hiding something, anything from who he is to being married.

[bachdude]

I think it is entirely possible he is knocking himself out to take care of everything before he sees you. And he might be figuring all the texting isn't necessary since you will need something to talk about once goes to all the effort to see you!

 

 

I wouldn't worry about the texting.

[Ami1uwant]

Is he committed to met you? If so he likely has pulled back because of this.....

 

You have talked quite a bit over 2.5 months but haven't met. A problem can happen is no conversation because you have talk a ton already. So it's best you tone down the conversations till you meet to save stuff to talk about.

 

If he wasn't meeting you then this slowing down could mean he lost interest in this snd wants to talk to someone closer to him.

 

How far apart are you two?

[joseb]

have you ever met him? How often do you hang out together?

 

Wow good call!

 

I assume when someone says they met someone they have met them, but seems like this happens a lot on here!

 

OP, all I'll say is not to invest in someone until you have met them.

 

Doing otherwise is foolhardy. You really have no idea what he will be like in person.

 

Also all that constant communication is going to kill most potential relationships before they get a chance to start (i.e. when you meet)

 

How do you plan to have a relationship if you live so far that he cant even afford a ticket to see you?

[CiaoBellaaa]

oh gosh, usually I'm the last to say things like this: the fact that you are not hearing from him at night worries me a bit. To me, that would potentially be an indication that he is starting to date or talk to someone else (maybe locally). Anyway, I could be and hope I am wrong.

 

I do think that he could be panicking about meeting in person after all this time and the relationship becoming real, in a long distance situation.

 

Here's the thing, in spite of what I have said, throw all the guesses of what's going on out of the window. Bring your best and move forward as if everything is normal in the coming days and in person. That is the best way to get your best results. Worrying about things won't change them for the better. Good luck!

 

Thanks, good feedback for sure. I have actually Skyped him (many times) when he is laying in bed. There is no wife, no gf, no kids, no one...just him. So I honestly think he is just super overwhelmed at work...I know he has been working very long hours. Setting my anxiety aside, I know ... who wants to go home and text when days are long?! Why not go have a beer with the guys and forget about any worries. So I'm not so worried about that. But I do realize anything is possible... Much appreciated!

[CiaoBellaaa]

Wow good call!

 

I assume when someone says they met someone they have met them, but seems like this happens a lot on here!

 

OP, all I'll say is not to invest in someone until you have met them.

 

Doing otherwise is foolhardy. You really have no idea what he will be like in person.

 

Also all that constant communication is going to kill most potential relationships before they get a chance to start (i.e. when you meet)

 

How do you plan to have a relationship if you live so far that he cant even afford a ticket to see you?

 

Good points! And btw yes...location matters however, the key point I was trying to hit on was his distance...after that all else is subsequent. The "adjusting" is lingering on my mind the most more than anything (hence the omission)...

 

Anyhow, yes also good points there. Regardless of meeting, whomever is on the other end is human and has feelings, hopes, insecurities, fears and whatever else just like I do. Even if we never met I feel privileged to have the conversations we had...for the pure element of humanity alone, finding a way to appreciate another human is irreplaceable, and that can be done close by or via distance. The human heart knows no bounds.

 

That said, realistically yes...distance can factor in. It's not that he cannot afford a ticket...it's that he had a family affair coming up around the same time across the country he needs to buy another plane ticket for (so clearly I was not the priority and I should not be, not having met yet, so I'm okay with that...I'm not going to dictate limitations to he or anyone - I'm just not that type.)

 

Additionally something around the house broke at the last minute. That AND bills make things a little burdensome - who has loads of money laying around? We are both kind of young-ish...I don't expect him to be a millionaire and I don't even need that. I just need someone who is willing to work with what he's got and offer me nothing but himself and his sincerity. So if it works out, great, if not, that is fine too because I'm learning a lot through this connection.

 

I truly appreciate your feedback...take care!

[CiaoBellaaa]

Is he committed to met you? If so he likely has pulled back because of this.....

 

You have talked quite a bit over 2.5 months but haven't met. A problem can happen is no conversation because you have talk a ton already. So it's best you tone down the conversations till you meet to save stuff to talk about.

 

If he wasn't meeting you then this slowing down could mean he lost interest in this snd wants to talk to someone closer to him.

 

How far apart are you two?

 

 

Well I cannot say with certainty he is committed to me because we have never had that conversation...but we closed our dating profiles and we speak like we do, I suppose it is implied. I'm not going to bring it up really. I don't want to scare the poor guy away...and to be honest I don't want to focus on future but really just want to enjoy right now with him...just no pressure and let us be us. I figure if it's meant to happen then it will progress naturally.

 

Technically I suppose we are not committed with out some sort of an official agreement but I cannot and will not tell him if/whom he can talk to, when/if he can go out, spend time with his friends, etc. Never! I'm just not interested in being controlling or limiting with anyone's time or life, or even pressuring anyone. I want him to be comfortable so I am kind of just letting things go at his pace...having fun, no pressure type stuff. He's very aware of my take on this - I've been very laid back.

 

We have not even met so all I can go by is our conversations and our plans. I won't force anyone to like me or pursue me...you know...so if he met someone, so be it. But we talk about "us" a lot. So you know, I'm leaving it open at this point with him in the lead. I don't have any desire to talk to anyone else because I'm interested in him only. Aside from that, I have my own life obligations...I'm fitting him into my schedule. So if it doesn't work out with him then I will be okay...because I still have to focus on something else right now. He knows that.

 

We are pretty far...he needs a plane ticket to come...he could drive but it would take a while. Several states away. We've already talked about distance and time...it's not a problem for now because in a few months it will all be resolved. He is amenable.

[CiaoBellaaa]

Well I cannot say with certainty he is committed to me because we have never had that conversation...but we closed our dating profiles and we speak like we do, I suppose it is implied. I'm not going to bring it up really. I don't want to scare the poor guy away...and to be honest I don't want to focus on future but really just want to enjoy right now with him...just no pressure and let us be us. I figure if it's meant to happen then it will progress naturally.

 

Technically I suppose we are not committed with out some sort of an official agreement but I cannot and will not tell him if/whom he can talk to, when/if he can go out, spend time with his friends, etc. Never! I'm just not interested in being controlling or limiting with anyone's time or life, or even pressuring anyone. I want him to be comfortable so I am kind of just letting things go at his pace...having fun, no pressure type stuff. He's very aware of my take on this - I've been very laid back.

 

We have not even met so all I can go by is our conversations and our plans. I won't force anyone to like me or pursue me...you know...so if he met someone, so be it. But we talk about "us" a lot. So you know, I'm leaving it open at this point with him in the lead. I don't have any desire to talk to anyone else because I'm interested in him only. Aside from that, I have my own life obligations...I'm fitting him into my schedule. So if it doesn't work out with him then I will be okay...because I still have to focus on something else right now. He knows that.

 

We are pretty far...he needs a plane ticket to come...he could drive but it would take a while. Several states away. We've already talked about distance and time...it's not a problem for now because in a few months it will all be resolved. He is amenable.

 

Also i think you hit the nail on the head here, which is enlightening - IF he wasn't coming to see me... That is key. I think you are absolutely correct! That is a game changer.