Coworker Date & Self Sabotage

[TobiasPelagiad]

Firstly, this is my first post on here since signing up, so hello! Secondly, I know what I’m about to write goes against the general rule to not date work colleagues but if it helps, my job is the kind of job where people don’t really stick around for long, and I’m pretty certain that in 6 months to a year’s time, me and the person in question won’t be working together anyway. And finally, whilst I am a bit shy and anxious, I’m also reasonably confident and chatty to a point.

 

Anyway to start, this woman starts in my team in work a number of months ago. I get on well with her, but just in a friendly way, which is fine. So all’s good for months until one day I notice I’m thinking about her more outside of work. I spend a week or two debating in my mind what to do, until I eventually decide to ask her out for a coffee or drink after work, which I do during a quiet moment when it was just the two of us on break. I made sure to make it clear that it was totally cool if she said no or if she wanted to think about it first. Anyways, she said yes, and later at night the same day I sent her a Facebook message just reconfirming if she’s still cool with meeting up. She says she’s still up for it, but before I can even suggest a date and time she says she’s busy all that week. Already alarm bells are ringing but I try to be cool about it and say no worries, we’ll sort it out later, and that I’ll catch her at work tomorrow.

 

But in the days afterwards I, rightly or wrongly, sensed her attitude to me had changed. My problem explaining it here is that my bias to the situation will naturally be leaning towards the negative, so all I can say is that I felt from my point of view that although she wasn’t out-and-out avoiding me, she was putting distance between us. At worst, I feared she was doing her best not to get caught alone with me in case I put her on the spot by bringing it up again. However, for balance, I also had to consider it could just be me being paranoid and over-analysing everything. So, not knowing what to do, I backed off a bit myself, mainly because I’m trying my best not to be the office creep who doesn’t take the hint. I’d still interact with her in work when it happened naturally, but I didn’t seek her out. This went on for about a week until one day I decided to break the ice by just sending her a message through the work computer system (We all do it in our team, so I’m not doing anything out of the ordinary. It’s meant for work, but people just use it like MSN to brighten up a boring work day). The message was nothing date related, just chat about a random topic like we used to do. She responded and we had a reasonable light-hearted chat throughout the day. Nothing special, but there you go. She even stopped me later that day as I passed her desk to ask me a work question, which she hadn’t really done since I'd asked her out.

 

I figured that since I broken the ice, I’d give it one more shot. I mean, she hadn’t actually said no yet, so maybe it was just all in my head. So later on I send her another FB message asking if she was still up for it then was she free that weekend, or even a night after work the week after. Again she said was busy that weekend (uh oh) but that possibly a night after work the week after would be okay. But later I found out she was off work most of the week after, so at this point I decided nah, that’s it. She’s being polite but hoping I’ll just lose interest and forget about it....or at least that’s the way I read it. So basically later on I send a message saying no worries, that maybe I crossed a line by asking her out at work, hopefully no hard feelings and that I’ll see her round at work, or words that effect. And that was that. Haven’t mentioned it since. Shortly after that she went on holiday for a few a weeks and, to be honest, I kind of forgot about it all a bit. My trouble is, though, since she’s come back, I’ve started thinking maybe it was me. Maybe she was cool with going out, but in my stupid head I self-sabotaged the whole thing. I mean she never actually said no, and she actually said yes! And she had ample chance to change her mind when I sent my first Facebook message. When she came back from holiday I sensed she was back to avoiding me, so I thought “Here we go again”, but then a couple of days later she was sitting with me at lunch, just talking as normal. So now I’m thinking maybe I was just being paranoid and I blew it all on my own.

 

I just don’t know what to do now. I’ve already basically said I’d leave it, and we’re back to talking to each other a bit like before. I’ve been trying to just cut my losses and move on, but when I’m outside of work I keep playing it over and over in my head. I can’t seem to let it go, but I feel like I can’t make a move because if I have read the signals correctly and she isn’t interested, then I might turn into the office pest if I make another move, and by god I don’t want to be that. But at the same time, part of me feels I might be letting a chance slip through my fingers. Any advice? I am a big idiot who’s self-sabotaged and, if so, is it salvageable?

[HumanMachine]

You're looking WAY too much into this. She isn't interested - move on ASAP.

[introverted1]

You're looking WAY too much into this. She isn't interested - move on ASAP.

 

Agree.

 

And if, on the slim off chance she is interested, she will do/say something to tell you that. You've asked her out twice, so she is well aware of your interest. There's nothing holing her back if it's mutual.

[TobiasPelagiad]

Fair enough, at least I know I was reading the signs correctly, somewhat. I'm going to just keep it polite and friendly from now on, and internally just move on. It sucks, to be honest, but the one good thing is it's spurred me to get back on the dating wagon again - haven't been doing it for a few years. Thanks!