My gf is so ungrateful and mean! !

[zi11]

Hi,

 

I have been dating my gf for two years and the past several months she has been so mean to me. I'm that kind of a guy that wants to be there when she needs help. I'm a doctoral student and she's is about to graduate analytical chemistry. Whenever she needs motivation to study, I'm there for her; when she needs help regarding some paper concerning technical or methodological assistance (we're both different majors) I was always there for her etc etc etc ....

Due to a lot of stress, recently she's been having some health issues (irritable colon) and she told me that she needs to completely change her diet and she has to drink several different types of tea in order to stabilize her condition. Due to the fact she was pretty depressed in the past month and she was home all day long, I've bought her 6 different types of tea which were specially aimed for her condition. I've send her a photo cause I wanted to tell her that she is all set, and she got angry saying that she wanted to buy it those by herself......

The thing is that this is not about the tea anymore. I've noticed that as much as I was trying to be a good boyfriend and nice to her, she is more more mean to me about everything I do. She is completely ungrateful. I guess if you are mean with girls, they will love you more. In general, I'm extremely attractive as a person and I could get another girl in no time. I fell in love in her, and she probably knows that and she's been abusing it for months now. Do you think that I've made a mistake by being too nice to her? My intentions were only good cause I was only trying to be there for her, cause I've thought she would've done that same if the positions were reversed. Should I break with her, cause I know that I didn't deserve this.....

 

All comments and opinions are welcome

 

Thank you

[HumanMachine]

You sound annoying. She's an adult and more than capable of buying the teas herself. Give her space.

 

All the best.

[Art_Critic]

There is nothing wrong with being a nice guy, however if you feel you are being a doormat then pull back and check yourself.

A woman won't respect a doormat.

 

The tea thing was a bit excessive since she didn't ask you to buy the tea for her, but her response was more about she sounds like you are smothering her.

 

Time for a talk, lay the cards on the table.. you have every right to expect your needs to be met in the relationship and if those are not being met talk about them.. you may find out this relationship is petering out or you may get closer over the talk..

[SensitiveTJ]

Hi,

 

I have been dating my gf for two years and the past several months she has been so mean to me. I'm that kind of a guy that wants to be there when she needs help. I'm a doctoral student and she's is about to graduate analytical chemistry. Whenever she needs motivation to study, I'm there for her; when she needs help regarding some paper concerning technical or methodological assistance (we're both different majors) I was always there for her etc etc etc ....

Due to a lot of stress, recently she's been having some health issues (irritable colon) and she told me that she needs to completely change her diet and she has to drink several different types of tea in order to stabilize her condition. Due to the fact she was pretty depressed in the past month and she was home all day long, I've bought her 6 different types of tea which were specially aimed for her condition. I've send her a photo cause I wanted to tell her that she is all set, and she got angry saying that she wanted to buy it those by herself......

The thing is that this is not about the tea anymore. I've noticed that as much as I was trying to be a good boyfriend and nice to her, she is more more mean to me about everything I do. She is completely ungrateful. I guess if you are mean with girls, they will love you more. In general, I'm extremely attractive as a person and I could get another girl in no time. I fell in love in her, and she probably knows that and she's been abusing it for months now. Do you think that I've made a mistake by being too nice to her? My intentions were only good cause I was only trying to be there for her, cause I've thought she would've done that same if the positions were reversed. Should I break with her, cause I know that I didn't deserve this.....

 

All comments and opinions are welcome

 

Thank you

 

Two points:

 

1) You're a smart enough guy to avoid generalizing this one experience into a rule for all your romantic attachments. Don't say things such as "if you are mean with girls, they will love you more." That's dumb, and you know it.

 

2)While it does sound like this girl is being a giant pain in the ass, and that's not something you should necessarily tolerate, when you go out of your way to be proactive about solving other people's problems, sometimes it can get unpleasant. Because it sends the message that you don't believe they are capable of doing these things themselves and many people will react badly to that. Even if it's something as mundane as buying tea. So don't do that-you might find it kind, but the recipient potentially could find it slightly insulting and condescending. Again, not a hard and fast rule, but a possibility.

[PegNosePete]

Another possibility is that she wants to break up with you, but doesn't know how to. So she is being mean to you, and hoping that you'll break up with her. But it's not working, the worse she treats you, the nicer you get. She must be getting really frustrated and wondering how much of this you'll put up with before you break.

 

Again, just a guess. It would make sense to have an actual conversation with her about why she has changed.

[ExpatInItaly]

Unless you were being totally overbearing, I don't see how you were being anything but supportive and thoughtful. This very much depends on your approach with her, though. I say this be said I have a dear friend who means well and wants to be supportive but I sometimes feel like she "mothers" people and I can see how that can get irritating and invasive. I'm older than her yet she still has the tendency to ask if I'm cold, took hot, need to use the bathroom when we're out somewhere - frankly, it drives me nuts. As a grown woman, I'm quite able to look after myself! Is it possible your girlfriend is misinterpreting your attempts to help as "parenting"? Just a thought, although it might not apply in your case.

 

Sit her down and talk to her. My ex suffered from IBS and it can really be debilitating and infuriating to treat. Add school stress to that and you've got a very anxious woman. Ask her how she would like to be supported. Let her know you only have her best interests in mind but that you can see she's unhappy. It's perfectly okay to be understanding, but be careful to draw a boundary for yourself too.

[stillafool]

It definitely sounds like she is pushing you away. I think if I was sick with a colon problem I would be grateful that you did the shopping for me and bought the tea. You seem like a wonderful boyfriend who isn't appreciated. I would suggest you back off and leave her alone until she calls and asks for you. If she asks why you haven't been around tell her how you feel about the way she treats you. If it doesn't improve dump her.

[Redhead14]

It sounds as though you may be smothering her. When someone doesn't feel well, they don't want anyone to hover over them or try to take over caring for them. She obviously wants to deal with this herself.

 

Being supportive/nice means acknowledging the situation and how difficult it must be and letting the person know you are there to help if they want that not doing everything or anticipating what you think they want or need. Let them ask you so that you do what it is they really need or want, not what you want to do for them.

 

"I love you, xname, and I know how difficult this must be for you. I am here for whatever you want or need. Just let me know and it will be done." Give her a little room for a while. Not ignore or anything like that. Just keep the usual routine and be patient and don't focus on this issue unless she wants to talk, then you listen. If she asks for something, you do that.

[preraph]

Smothering = controlling. It's disrespectful. She can't do the least little thing like take care of a health issue without you trying to take it over and control it. You wouldn't know what type teas she was told to get so why would you even do that? What is the payoff for you? You are getting something out of it -- or hoping you will. So don't act like you're selfless.

[LostOnes05]

This is one of the reasons why divorce is so prevalent...people are unappreciative and all about "me". You sound a lot like me. If I'm in a relationship and I see a need, I am proactive. The same people who were critical of you going out of your way to do something nice, are the ones that would tell her to leave you if you weren't doing those things and she was sick. So, essentially you are damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

She is trying to push you away, that's pretty clear. Having experienced this behavior before, I would advise you to break up with her. But then you'll still be the bad guy...why? Because you left your "sick" girlfriend. Just completely back off to give her space and to clear your mind for sanity's sake (I completely understand how frustrating it is). Let her reach out to you and then have the discussion about it. But in the meantime, stop doing anything for her.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Maybe he's just looking for a "thank you" every once in a while.

 

I never understood why some people can be so unappreciative. I was in a relationship where my partner was OBVIOUSLY overwhelmed at times, I would just automatically step in and do things like pick up dinner or do the dishes or laundry, or clean up around her apartment (stayed there a few days a week, had a key).

 

Attempting to take a couple things off of her plate so that would be one less thing she has to deal with to "catch up" or give her some breathing room.

 

At times when I did this, she got very defensive, even saying "I can handle it"... when that obviously want the case.

 

Because dished were piled up a mile high in her sink, laundy overflowing the hamper and spilling onto the floor, no food in the fridge.

 

BUT she could handle it.

 

Sometimes perceived independence, ego, pride and other factors get in the way of kindness and appreciation...

 

Just saying

 

This is irrespective of the OP and his situation, he may be going a bit overboard.

[LostOnes05]

Smothering = controlling. It's disrespectful. She can't do the least little thing like take care of a health issue without you trying to take it over and control it. You wouldn't know what type teas she was told to get so why would you even do that? What is the payoff for you? You are getting something out of it -- or hoping you will. So don't act like you're selfless.

 

Going out of your way to do things for people is disrespectful now? Im still pondering how buying tea for her to feel better is controlling. Maybe he shouldn't take out the trash either until she tells him to. No wonder relationships are the way they are.

 

Outside of the fact that she told him she needed these teas to stabilize her condition, she was also depressed and stayed inside all day. But anyone with the basic capability of picking up a book or typing on a computer can look up diseases and treatments or things that may help ease the condition.

 

HE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER. So why does he have to be told what to do for him to do it? If she made a post about him NOT doing these things or having to ask him to do little things, then people would tell her to leave because he isn't aware of her needs in the relationship.

 

Controlling to me would be if she was brushing her teeth and he said "Oh no, you're doing it wrong. Dr. Oz says to do it like this"...that's controlling. And perhaps the payoff is helping her feel better so that they can return to normal and do things together again. Not sure where this ulterior motive you seem to be suggesting is coming from based on the information given.

[jen1447]

Meanness almost always stems from a lack of respect IME. (Except for genuinely mean ppl but they're kinda rare and you'd know if she was early on.) Bscly she resents you bc you don't have the balls to earn or deserve her respect. And she's mean to you as a way of acting out that frustration.

 

That can manifest as being too nice or smothering her or being constantly accommodating, lacking an opinion (that you're prepared to vigorously defend), etc. Or sheepishly buying her tea when you should have been putting gas in your own tank or sth.

 

She wants you to man up so she can respect you, BUT, that doesn't mean be crappy to her or disrespectful or abusive or dismissive etc., it means be respectful to yourself. If you are, then she'll feel like she can respect you too and she won't feel resentful.

[SpiralOut]

It may seem like she is being ungrateful, but she's probably the type of person who prefers to do things on her own. When you help her, she may perceive that as "he thinks I can't do it by myself." She's independent enough that she prefers to look after herself. And there's nothing wrong with how she feels. I don't think it's fair for you to expect her to be grateful that you did something she did not want you to do. However, I agree that she should have said thank you for making the effort. Your heart was obviously in the right place.

 

I agree that she could have been a bit nicer in her response. She could have said "thank you for trying to help, but if you don't mind I would prefer to take care of this myself. please ask first before buying me something again."

 

It's a communication issue.

[elaine567]

The thing is that this is not about the tea anymore. I've noticed that as much as I was trying to be a good boyfriend and nice to her, she is more more mean to me about everything I do. She is completely ungrateful. I guess if you are mean with girls, they will love you more.

 

Nice things are only "nice" if the person you do them for thinks they are "nice", otherwise it is not being "nice".

[JoeSmith357-1]

Going out of your way to do things for people is disrespectful now? Im still pondering how buying tea for her to feel better is controlling. Maybe he shouldn't take out the trash either until she tells him to. No wonder relationships are the way they are.

 

I agree with you...

 

True relationships you act as a unit. A team. When one person is bogged down, the other steps up to help.

 

As in my case, it's almost like some people are so hung up on being independent, or doing things for themselves, they would rather FAIL then be helped with something they obviously need help doing.

 

To me this is selfish, childish and ultimately harmful to both themselves and the relationship

[preraph]

I'm just throwing this situation a friend of mine told me about in for what it's worth. If the shoe doesn't fit, disregard.

 

Guy has been interested in her for years. She likes him but has turned him down as far as being his girlfriend over the years, though in the distant past they had sort of a FWB thing.

 

He comes after her to be his gf again. This time she's more in the mood for a relationship. Trouble is she is hard-working and only wants to see him one day on the weekend. He pushes for all weekend. She tells him she's too tired after work to want to do anything. So instead of respecting her needs and wishes, what does he do? He comes over with takeout uninvited after work on Friday and makes a big show of "pampering" her, rubbing her feet, etc. This is not what she wants. She wants the night to herself. But she is too polite to confront him about this and lets it go on until she is so run down (she is older) that she can barely get up to go to work. On top of that, he has mostly controlled her diet when he is with her. He is a vegan who eats a ton of sugar, hardly a healthy regimen. He is just pushy.

 

She finally cut him off about coming over uninvited under the guise of pampering her because she knows it was just his way of manipulating her and getting his way about it. But at first it was hard for her to kick back about it because he was "just being thoughtful and nice." Nuh-uh. He was being pushy and unthoughtful and just having his way, whatever it took, regardless of her needs and feelings. No respect there.

[JoeSmith357-1]

I'm just throwing this situation a friend of mine told me about in for what it's worth. If the shoe doesn't fit, disregard.

 

Guy has been interested in her for years. She likes him but has turned him down as far as being his girlfriend over the years, though in the distant past they had sort of a FWB thing.

 

He comes after her to be his gf again. This time she's more in the mood for a relationship. Trouble is she is hard-working and only wants to see him one day on the weekend. He pushes for all weekend. She tells him she's too tired after work to want to do anything. So instead of respecting her needs and wishes, what does he do? He comes over with takeout uninvited after work on Friday and makes a big show of "pampering" her, rubbing her feet, etc. This is not what she wants. She wants the night to herself. But she is too polite to confront him about this and lets it go on until she is so run down (she is older) that she can barely get up to go to work. On top of that, he has mostly controlled her diet when he is with her. He is a vegan who eats a ton of sugar, hardly a healthy regimen. He is just pushy.

 

She finally cut him off about coming over uninvited under the guise of pampering her because she knows it was just his way of manipulating her and getting his way about it. But at first it was hard for her to kick back about it because he was "just being thoughtful and nice." Nuh-uh. He was being pushy and unthoughtful and just having his way, whatever it took, regardless of her needs and feelings. No respect there.

 

That's completely different than what the OP and I discussing. I think you are spot-on with your assessment of that particular situation.

[LostOnes05]

I agree with you...

 

True relationships you act as a unit. A team. When one person is bogged down, the other steps up to help.

 

As in my case, it's almost like some people are so hung up on being independent, or doing things for themselves, they would rather FAIL then be helped with something they obviously need help doing.

 

To me this is selfish, childish and ultimately harmful to both themselves and the relationship

 

I agree with you 100%. And the funny thing is when he stops doing these things, she'll say "you don't do the little things to show me you care anymore". If I was sick and a gf bought me some tea, I would simply say thank you. I wouldn't take it as...she is trying to control my entire life...she is suffocating me...she is being annoying...what's her ulterior motive? I would take it as she knew I was sick and was thoughtful enough to get me something to help me out.

 

I mean he isn't tying her shoes for her.