I love my GF, but I'm starting to become unattracted to her

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My and my girlfriend have been dating for 2 and a half years now. Honestly, I think that she is the one.

 

Recently she has been starting to gain weight and I'm losing some attraction to her. I still enjoy sex with her, and I think she's very pretty but sometimes I do not find myself attracted to her at all.

 

She has an amazing personality and I think she is perfect for me. We get along really really well and she is wonderful - but I can't help feeling sometimes that I wish she were thinner.

 

I can't tell her that I am not attracted to her, that would be a terrible thing to tell her. And I can't just tell her to lose weight.

 

I think if she lost weight, I would again be really attracted to her like I was when we first met.

 

I feel like an ******* for feeling this way, and it has been bothering me for some time. Any suggestions?

[4x4storm]

I think it would be silly just to give up that easy. While i've never been in your situation I knew a couple who were both on the big side and started going to the gym together! Maybe you can suggest that you both sign up?

[ShoppingCart]

I think it would be silly just to give up that easy. While i've never been in your situation I knew a couple who were both on the big side and started going to the gym together! Maybe you can suggest you that you both sign up?

 

Thanks for the reply. We like to play tennis together 2-3 times a week, but we have been doing that for awhile already with no effect. I like to go for runs and I always ask her to run with me, but she doesn't like to. I guess I could ask her what sort of physical activity she would enjoy that we can do together.

[Addicted18]

I've never been in your situation since my ex's never really put on any weight, but I have wondered how I would feel about them if they did gain weight and I always felt like I wouldn't be attracted to them as much, so I can understand how you feel... Do you know what the cause is of her gaining weight? Do y'all eat out a lot? Maybe try to get her to change her eating habits? Also, how much weight did she put on? Is a lot to where it would be hard to lose it?

Edited June 16, 2016 by Addicted18

[bu2002]

I don't think you have anything to feel bad about. Physical attraction is a big piece of relationships, especially the desire to have sex with your partner.

 

I would first try to understand the root cause of her weight gain. Is she just letting herself go cause she's in a comfortable relationship? Does she stress eat? Once you understand the cause, then that can help guide how you approach her. I think regardless, encouraging healthy choices will help, especially if you two eat out a lot.

[Buddhist]

I think if she lost weight, I would again be really attracted to her like I was when we first met.

 

I would bet money that if she lost weight it wouldn't change a thing. This 'loss' of attraction is just the natural progression of a longterm relationship. Things will never be what they were in the beginning, because it was the beginning. It's like saying I wish I could experience Star Wars all over again as if I have never seen it. But yes, yes...back to believing it's her weight gain.

 

The big problem is, if you believe she is the 'one' and lets just say she's had no weight gain and you intend to marry her. What happens when she get's old? People don't stay looking 20 forever. Are you going to tell her she needs some surgery so you can maintain your attraction to her?

 

To be honest if I were her and I saw your post I'd just go and get a new BF. It would be pretty clear to me on what level your relationship hinges since none of her other fine qualities can sustain your attraction, only her looks can. That's a no-win situation for any women. Who can sustain the way they presently look indefinitely? Not even movie stars can with all their money and limitless budgets. So it's an impossibility. Sure its all about the weight for you.....for now. But one day it will be all about the wrinkles, or the fact her boobs are no longer high, or maybe even you'll lose attraction once she has a post baby body. This is just a ticking time bomb no matter which way you look at it.

Edited June 16, 2016 by Buddhist

[Alamo657]

The big problem is, if you believe she is the 'one' and lets just say she's had no weight gain and you intend to marry her. What happens when she get's old? People don't stay looking 20 forever. Are you going to tell her she needs some surgery so you can maintain your attraction to her?

 

 

Disagree. You can't control aging, but you CAN control weight gain. It's two very separate degradation of the body not to be put in the same basket.

 

Fat is not sexy, never has been, never will be.

 

As for the OP, i agree with this :

I have seen a few situations like yours, and it never seems to end well for the man. If you just let your GF keep gaining weight, you lose all attraction and your relationship is probably doomed. If you try to help her live a healthier lifestyle, and even support her the entire way, she probably won't bother. If you come out and tell her she is fat, she will get angry. Usually, what I have seen is the girl eventually finds out you are unhappy about her weight gaain, breaks up with you over it, loses weight, and then finds another guy to be thin for...until she gains weight again. Hopefully, her weight just fluctuates a bit, and she will get tired of it herself.

 

In my opinion, if you can't somehow manipulate her to eat better food and do some physical activity, it will not end well.

 

And the real problem is that if you tell her, she will resent you for not loving her "the way she is".

 

The irony is that women never hesitate to tell their man he is getting fat.

[soyou]

I dont know if your gf is a direct or strong person or not. If she is, the best way is to be direct about it.

 

She may not like what shes gonna hear but I'm sure she will see it as a wake up call and work toward losing weight.

 

My bf doesnt like big girls. He made it clear to me from day1. He broke up with one of his exes bcos she gained so much weight. Even though he tried to help her, nothing worked so eventually they broke up. Physycal attraction for him was gone.

 

When I first dated him, I didnt like how he told me that he didnt like big women. (I've been always fit, active and petite my entire life). Yet I didnt find it nice of him to warn me many times.

 

As time passes, I actually like the idea he wants me to stay fit (keep workong out). It motivates me to stay fit, healthy, strong, sexy, and beautiful.

 

Both of us work out and encourage each other to keep up or stay fit if another person is having a low or unmotivated time.

[Mrin]

Ok I am going to chime in on this one with some real life experience. I was once in your shoes. The woman I married (my now ex-wife) was active. We were more friends than anything but the romantic side of us was tied to both being very active and in shape. After kids, she started to stop being so active. Imagine that... Ha! #parenthumor But after a few years the inactivity increased. She became down right sedentary. She was a SAHM so I hired a nanny to free up some of her time. Then I hired a cleaning lady to free up more time. And I upped the nanny's time. Preschool came and went and still she just sat around and did crafts. Her weight ballooned up. And up. And up. I bought her all sorts of gear for the sports she liked to do. I bought her trainers. I encouraged her to go out and do something. Anything. Just go have fun and enjoy the life I could afford her. She basically became a mostly full time leisure wife with the kids when to elementary school. And gained more weight. We became "that" couple where one spouse was fat and out of shape and the other was in shape. You know, one of these things is not like the other...

 

By then, any sense of romance had left the relationship. We weren't strong in that regard in the first place like I mentioned above. But it was gone. We'd go months without sex. Maybe once or twice a year. Eventually the marriage ended.

 

So I hear you. I guess if I could do it all over again I would do a few things differently:

 

1. I'd speak up about her weight gain earlier on. I'm not exactly sure what I would have said but I would have been far more direct.

 

2. My indirection actually caused all sorts of unintended problems. We've talked about it after our divorce and she was getting all of these mixed messages from my actions. Some were about getting in shape. But a lot were about other things that honestly I hadn't intended.

 

3. But if I could do one thing all over again, I would have made weight and getting in shape an "us" thing and not a "her" thing. I was so caught up in the whole provider mindset that it never occurred to me that she probably would have loved to "do it with me". In all of the sports and activities we shared, I grew in my abilities while she regressed after kids. I should have picked new activities or found some way to scale back my abilities to enjoy our shared activities again. This is where I really screwed up. I made it about her and not the two of us.

 

Don't make that same mistake.

[Aniela]

Yet I didnt find it nice of him to warn me many times.

 

 

I wouldn't like that, either. I wouldn't last long with a man like that.

[basil67]

Just how much weight are we talking here? Is she technically overweight?

[4x4storm]

I would bet money that if she lost weight it wouldn't change a thing. This 'loss' of attraction is just the natural progression of a longterm relationship. Things will never be what they were in the beginning, because it was the beginning. It's like saying I wish I could experience Star Wars all over again as if I have never seen it. But yes, yes...back to believing it's her weight gain.

 

The big problem is, if you believe she is the 'one' and lets just say she's had no weight gain and you intend to marry her. What happens when she get's old? People don't stay looking 20 forever. Are you going to tell her she needs some surgery so you can maintain your attraction to her?

 

To be honest if I were her and I saw your post I'd just go and get a new BF. It would be pretty clear to me on what level your relationship hinges since none of her other fine qualities can sustain your attraction, only her looks can. That's a no-win situation for any women. Who can sustain the way they presently look indefinitely? Not even movie stars can with all their money and limitless budgets. So it's an impossibility. Sure its all about the weight for you.....for now. But one day it will be all about the wrinkles, or the fact her boobs are no longer high, or maybe even you'll lose attraction once she has a post baby body. This is just a ticking time bomb no matter which way you look at it.

 

I agree with you to a point but weight is something that can be changed. I was 105lbs 3 years ago and now i'm 145lbs and loving the fit life style. Now I don't mind a chubby girl but it honestly does get to point where it's very unattractive.

[Buddhist]

Don't mind me I just get entirely sick of the....OMG my GF is no longer visually pleasing me.... stuff. Sometimes I wish I could block out the inane rantings of 20 somethings. Yes, yes it's all about having a hot GF. Now come back in 10yrs and tell us all how that worked out. Honestly when you read posts like this the next thought that naturally springs to mind is....I wonder if being a lesbian is so bad. Just more proof that men really are as shallow as they appear.

[venus83]

I don't think you are an ******* for thinking that. Unless she is not fat at all and you feel that way. If you think she is gaining too much weight in an unhealthy way, than its also a concern.

If she is trying to loose weight you should encourage her, trying to do active stuff together helps.

If she is not bothered yet...try only to lead by example. This means....buy healthier food, be more active and ask her to join you....and maybe in an indirect way showing pictures so maybe she notice that she is not going in the right decisiions considering her health....if you focus on her health and not in how she looks, she might get what you say....

Also...if you also would need to loose weight, you could start together....

[Buddhist]

Just tell her that you think she's fat and don't want to have sex with her anymore. She'll dump you and you can go find a hotter chick. Easy.

[KatZee]

Disagree. You can't control aging, but you CAN control weight gain. It's two very separate degradation of the body not to be put in the same basket.

 

Fat is not sexy, never has been, never will be.

 

As for the OP, i agree with this :

 

 

In my opinion, if you can't somehow manipulate her to eat better food and do some physical activity, it will not end well.

 

And the real problem is that if you tell her, she will resent you for not loving her "the way she is".

 

The irony is that women never hesitate to tell their man he is getting fat.

 

Actually, no, fat is not ALWAYS controllable.

 

Ever see the stomach of woman whose been pregnant? Yes, there are women who are blessed enough to have skin that completely retracts back, goes back to the way it was before, but really, for the vast majority of women, the skin that stretches out to accommodate a child never really goes back to the way it was.

 

A woman might have a residual pooch of loose skin, stretch marks, or an entirely wrinkled stomach from then on out. I've seen it and short of plastic surgery, there's nothing that can be done. No foods, no exercises that are going to bring it back to what it was.

 

For that matter, a woman's breasts change drastically after kids, especially if she breast feeds. A woman I know whose had two children was EXTREMELY lucky and you'd never even guess she's had two kids. But her boobs? They're done.

 

A woman doesn't stay looking like a young, tight, unflawed individual her entire life. And this is why I really fear marriage, or long term relationships with anyone. We are people. Not perfection. We grow, change in form, and as we age, sorry, we put on weight. Women naturally hold more weight.

 

This is why you see time and time again, marriage going to **** because the man couldn't keep his dick in his pants and needed to go screw around with the 20 year old secretary. It's disgusting.

 

The way men think we need to hold this image until we die it's no wonder so many women are obsessed with surgery, gallons of makeup, extreme dieting to the point of eating disorders, depression, low self esteem, thinking Kardashians are idols. It makes me sick.

 

Why can't men realize we're people?

 

Meanwhile, guys have no problem going bald, getting hairy everywhere else (FYI that's DISGUSTING), being slobs, getting beer guts as they get older, and chase after young things? :lmao:

[KatZee]

And yes, I have to agree. This really is a post from the mentally of a teenager or young 20 year old. Oh man, are they gonna be in a rude awakening when they join the real world. Some things are inevitable.

 

But I guess that's why you have guys like Leo DiCaprio who get older and older and who can't date above 25. Denial.

[elaine567]

Has she actually gained significant weight or has she just grown into a woman?

 

"Weight normally continues to increase annually in your 20s, mostly due to increase in body fat compared to teen years. Still, it's important to keep in mind that a normal weight is to have a BMI between 18.5 and 24.9," Dr. Sophocles says. So as long as your weight is just going up tiny amounts yearly, it's totally normal. 11 Ways Every Woman's Body Changes in Her 20s "