Gemini02 Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 I have a dilemma and I need some help- let me give you a little history so it's easier to understand. I've been going out with my boyfriend for 2+ years. 1 of those years was online (everynight, and in the last part of that year it was one the phone and on computer mics) before he moved 2000+ miles to be with me. It's been one year in person. I am 19 now and he is going to be 23 soon. Anyways I knew when I talked to him online that he smoked pot, but it didn't really bother me because he was on the other side of the country, but when he moved here, it kinda made it all real and it bothered me. Alot. One of the rules while he was staying with me and my family was that he couldn't bring pot into the house, because it could jepardize my dad's job. I found some in his backpack... Apparently there was a time before that. He claimed he didn't think anything bad would come of it- He didn't believe what we were saying. So the arguments about how much I wanted him to smoke continued. I wanted him to stop completely but he said it wasn't fair of me to give him that ultimatum. So I didn't... Knowing that I wouldn't be the one he choosed. So finally we came to an agreement that he would smoke it "once and awhile, outside and not with a bong or anything" (I hate marijuana paraphenila) He could get evicted from his new place if his landlords found out he was smoking. So time went on everything was great- he gave me a promise ring and we even had sex for the first time together. It was special. He's been taking a security gaurd course for this week and I knew he wasn't gonna be home so I went over (with the key he gave me) to leave some cupcakes for him. I went inside, the place was a mess and there was no counter space (what do you expect from 2 bachellors) So I went into his room, and it reaked of pot. I turned on the light and see 2 bongs, a grinder, ashtray full of ashes... It was a pretty awful sight me. It was like I walked into a strangers room... I freaked out... I smashed the bong, resulted in me getting bong water all over me... I left him a nasty note, and left... Dropping cupcakes down the driveway to where my mom was waiting with the car... He came over as soon as he saw the note (My friend drove me over later to clean up the mess and to leave him a politer note) He was crying, I was crying... I basically just said we have to deal with this after your course because I don't want anything to interfere with that. But we have been talking about it a little bit... So... What do I do? I love him, he loves me... But he lied and I can't get the image of all that stuff out of my head. He said he would quit doing pot, that I finally put it in perspective for him that it's not worth losing me over... How can you be with someone you can't trust? I don't want to throw it all away, I want this to work... Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 You're throwing a fit because he's smoking pot in HIS house? He isn't living with you or your family, he isn't cheating on you, he isn't mean to you, he's not stealing from you, he's not quitting work to smoke, ect, ect, ect........... He moved a LONG way to be with you and probably gave up being near his family, friends, ect...and you're trying to even take away this from him? You sound like a very very selfish girl, BTW I don't smoke but if someone (a partner) told me to "give it up" when I wasn't doing it in front of them, in their home, and it wasn't interefering with our life or work...I would leave them. To me this is unacceptable controlling behavior, it's pot now..later it will probably be his friends, ect, ect. Get a grip......if everything else is okay with you two, you're not his mother and you have no right to attempt to control him smoking... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gemini02 Posted March 5, 2005 Author Share Posted March 5, 2005 One of the rules while he was staying with me and my family was that he couldn't bring pot into the house, because it could jepardize my dad's job. I found some in his backpack... Apparently there was a time before that. He claimed he didn't think anything bad would come of it- He didn't believe what we were saying. And it's the fact that he lied to me about it after he promised me he wouldn't do it in his rented basement suite, which he could get evicted from if the landlords found out which they easily could. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 Originally posted by Gemini02 And it's the fact that he lied to me about it after he promised me he wouldn't do it in his rented basement suite, which he could get evicted from if the landlords found out which they easily could. But that is HIS choice/business/problem NOT YOUR'S!!!!!!!!!! No offense but I honestly believe it's more about "control" than this. If this is the only thing he's doing then I honestly think you need to chill. One of the rules while he was staying with me and my family was that he couldn't bring pot into the house, because it could jepardize my dad's job. I found some in his backpack... Apparently there was a time before that. He claimed he didn't think anything bad would come of it- He didn't believe what we were saying. So when he did this WHY didn't you break it off with him? He is NO LONGER in YOUR family's home...so now he has a RIGHT to do as HE pleases in HIS home! Get it? I understand your concern but you have NO control over this..nor do you have the right (you're his GF NOT his parent) to tell him he can't do this and try and "force" him to stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gemini02 Posted March 5, 2005 Author Share Posted March 5, 2005 But that is HIS choice/business/problem NOT YOUR'S!!!!!!!!!! When you're in a committed relationship with someone and you love them, everything is the other person's business/problems. He also offered to stop because he didn't want to lose me. Barby, thank you for your opinion, but I obviously don't agree with it I didn't break it off with him then, and I haven't broken it off with him now because I'm not the kind of person who throws things away just because they get tough. I'm simply asking for ways to deal with what has happened and what I should do. Anyone else with insight? Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 Either you accept that part of him, that he uses pot on occasion, while not being near you, or you don't accept that part of him. In the first case, you simply stay in the relationship, despite he has a bad habit in your opinion, in the second case, you leave the relationship, because of his habit. As always, it is your call. Added: Simply put: there is no compromise possible on the middle ground compromise you already have. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 I'm simply asking for ways to deal with what has happened and what I should do. Anyone else with insight? So I know you don't want anymore of my opinion/advice...but I'm going to give it to you anyway. I think in order to deal with it...you should probably figure out why it bothers you so much. Besides him losing the flat ((((IF)))) he was to get caught. Does he exhibit behaviors that make you uncomfortable? Has he done something to hurt you when he's high? (Look deep and find out WHY and WHAT exactly bothers you about the whole "pot" thing). I also understand that you're upset because he "lied" to you, but did you ever think he knew you wouldn't "budge" or want to even attempt to be understanding so he felt it best to keep it from you? (just a thought) Ways to deal............. 1) try and understand him, respect the fact that it's something he chooses to do. 2) leave him (even though this isn't something you'll do but just an option). 3) ask him to please limit his smoking to purely rolled joints (so he can dispose of the "evidence" for his own good). 4) smoke it with him and try and see why he won't give it up. 5) give him the choice "pot or me" and stick to your guns if he breaks the deal. 6) be supportive and allow him to do what he feels he needs to do, even if you don't "like" or "approve" of it, try your best to accept it and not make it your problem. Just some thoughts...I hope you get more answers....I know you don't like mine...and that's fine...no biggie....but I feel the need to give you my POV since you posted on this...good luck getting someone to tell you what you "want" to hear (i'm sure you will).... Link to post Share on other sites
debs Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 My 2 cents..... Your b/f has a nasty habit and you don't like it? May I ask you if you think just telling him to not do it? He is going to stop? The b/f has shown you by living elsewhere he hasn't stopped! Get a grip! He will stop when he either gets busted or decides it is not what HE wants! I have yet to meet someone who truly let go of smoking, drug usage or any addictive type behavior because a SO said to stop it! It comes from the heart and brain of the person who is doing the addiction!~ If they chose to stop they will! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gemini02 Posted March 5, 2005 Author Share Posted March 5, 2005 4) smoke it with him and try and see why he won't give it up. Been there done that. I don't understand how anyone could feel good about giggling over chocolate milk for 15 minutes Get a grip! He will stop when he either gets busted or decides it is not what HE wants! As I've stated before he has offered to stop completely. I'm not sure if I'm gonna take him up on this offer because I DON'T want to control him and I don't want him to resent me later on in our future. I want him to do it because he wants to. good luck getting someone to tell you what you "want" to hear (i'm sure you will).... I'm not looking for someone to tell me what I "want" to hear, I'm looking for someone not to judge, not to repeatedly to tell me to "get a grip" or to "YELL" at me. The whole point of this point is that he said he didn't stick to our compromise about pot and if I had never gone into his place that day, I wouldn't have figured it out and he would have never told me and that's LYING. He put himself and his roomate at risk of eviction and he put our relationship at risk, and I'm having a tough time dealing with that. Link to post Share on other sites
sunlight Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 Not yelling at you. He smokes pot. Said he stopped, he did not stop, he did therefore lie. Fact. He hid it from you and lied cause he doesn't want to lose you. Fact. You backed him into a corner, he does not want to give up pot, you forced him to lie to you, cause you will not let him do so. He doesn't want to stop deal with it. Trying to force someone to do something they do not want to do is not openingly accepting their faults. Its appart of love as well. Someone will not be perfect, when you inforce perfection, they will lie. You backed him into a corner. Even you would lie if backed into a corner. Think about it. Did you fall in love with him, or someone your mind made him up to be. Cause if you love him, you must take on him as the real person, not just what you like. And no one every likes everything about someone. Sorry it just doesnt happen like that. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 Originally posted by Gemini02 The whole point of this point is that he said he didn't stick to our compromise about pot and if I had never gone into his place that day, I wouldn't have figured it out and he would have never told me and that's LYING. He put himself and his roomate at risk of eviction and he put our relationship at risk, and I'm having a tough time dealing with that. If that is your point, then you can either accept that he has lied to you and strengthen your relationship. Or you don't accept that, and give up on the relationship. He said he did not stick to your compromise. Clearly the chance that he would stop voluntarily seems very minimal. So I really doubt you could succesfully take up his offer to stop for you. And yes, it will cause resentment if you did that. He is responsible for the risks he takes, and it's not your fault if his addiction would cause an eviction. Sometimes people chose their addictions over their SOs. Could happen in your case too, as much as you would hate that. Relationships are not rational from a logical point of view. So don't ask for a rational solution when there is none. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gemini02 Posted March 5, 2005 Author Share Posted March 5, 2005 Omg nevermind you guys don't get it Said he stopped, he did not stop, he did therefore lie. He never said he stopped!!! I knew he didn't stop!! He said he wasn't gonna do it the house And also, you shouldn't throw around the word "addiction" unless you know what you're talking about Nevermind... How do you delete posts? Link to post Share on other sites
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