Attachment Theory, Imago, and Singleness

[Wave Rider]

Hi everyone. I've recently been looking into attachment theory and Imago therapy to try to solve my problem of "chronic singleness." I've had 7 girlfriends in my life and probably a few hundred dates, but my relationships never last longer than a few months, and my last two relationships each lasted only six weeks. But attachment theory and Imago therapy give different answers for the kind of woman I need to find to create a good relationship.

 

Attachment theory divides people into three attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Secure people are available, supportive, and loving. Anxious people are needy, clingy, and demanding. Avoidant people are cold, unavailable, and dismissive. I have anxious attachment, and I am attracted to avoidant women (which is the general rule, because anxious and avoidant are usually attracted to each other.) My favorite book on the topic is Attached.

 

The Imago model (from Harville Hendrix's book Keeping the Love You Find) says that we seek a partner who has the positive and negative qualities of our childhood caretakers so we can finish our unfinished childhood business. Hendrix also shows that anxious and avoidant (whom he calls "maximzers" and "minimizers") are attracted to each other for the purpose of self-completion and for finishing unfinished childhood business. Hendrix's Imago model weaves attachment theory into a larger narrative. He gives a persuasive explanation for why many people, such as myself, continue to be attracted to people with the same negative traits over and over: it's an attempt to finish our childhood business.

 

Imago therapy and attachment theory give opposite answers as to the kind of woman I need to find. Attachment theory (and general dating advice) says that the way to a good relationship is to develop a secure attachment style and to find someone else who also has a secure attachment style (though no empirically supported method for developing secure attachment as an adult through clinical intervention currently exists.) Hendrix gives the opposite answer: he says that I need to find one of the avoidant women (my Imago match,) get into a relationship with her, and work through the healing process with her, so that we can both finish our childhood business.

 

I'm not sure who's right. Does anyone have any experience with this?

[Mind-Chants]

I think you are misinterpreting attachment theory. Attachment theory is not a general theory of relationship. It addresses only a specific aspect about "how we respond within relationships when hurt, separated from loved ones, or perceiving a threat". (Ainsworth strange room test)Also attachment styles are created during childhood but can adapt and evolve to become a different attachment style based on individual experiences as we grow. Adults do not hold a single set of working models. Instead, on one level they have a set of rules and assumptions about attachment relationships in general. On another level they hold information about specific relationships or relationship events. Information at different levels need not be consistent. Individuals can therefore hold different internal working models for different relationships.

[todreaminblue]

my childhood experiences tells me i am needy......i needed friends.....i needed the love of my father....i needed to feel safe and secure....i did without......in fact i developed personalities of my own ......to keep me safe...to deal with pain loss grief trauma...as i was always pushed away and made feel pathetic........or god gave me these buffers/personalities...one or the other....

 

as an adult.....my hearts worst nightmare would to be with someone who ignored me or pushed me away when i did eventually open up.....i cant work on my childhood its over......i feel it would actually be a mistake......some issues are meant to die unresolved.......like apologies for example.....or traumas that are forgotten......buried deep somewhere.....meant to be buried.....

 

 

i dont want a guy like any man who has mistreated me...or especially a guy like my father who i flinched every time he raised hsi hand....or cringed when i tried to kiss his cheek to have him push me away........i want a guy to treat me right...to show affection...to get affection back......to love me like i would him......and for em to feel safe to let him see my heart to let him in and not rip it up in there........in fact I "need" that guy...like my grandfather......who was so strong hearted...yet so gentle.....and he loved me.....like i loved him....i love the same way ....

 

as far as attachment theory...its called theory for a reason.......it can be debunked and isnt applicable for every relationship or person....

 

in my opinion nearly all people want to be loved...too often the word needy is thrown around on a basic ingrained human desire as the desire to be loved and love in return.....bad childhood or good childhood......needing love is also a requirement for humanity to thrive.........deb

Edited May 7, 2016 by todreaminblue

[Buddhist]

The Imago model (from Harville Hendrix's book Keeping the Love You Find) says that we seek a partner who has the positive and negative qualities of our childhood caretakers so we can finish our unfinished childhood business. Hendrix also shows that anxious and avoidant (whom he calls "maximzers" and "minimizers") are attracted to each other for the purpose of self-completion and for finishing unfinished childhood business. Hendrix's Imago model weaves attachment theory into a larger narrative. He gives a persuasive explanation for why many people, such as myself, continue to be attracted to people with the same negative traits over and over: it's an attempt to finish our childhood business.

 

This is true. In my own life I am anxious/avoidant attachment and my mother also avoidant attachment. She was my only caregiver as a child.

 

Imago therapy and attachment theory give opposite answers as to the kind of woman I need to find. I'm not sure who's right. Does anyone have any experience with this?

 

My experience is this, both suggestions are bollocks. The first one gives no known path for achieving that end and the second one will just give you a hell of a lot of triggers to deal with in the moment, before the relationship crashes and burns. The fundamental problem with both approaches is that they recommend you getting into a relationship with another person as a way to solve the problem. It's awful advice. If that worked your seven prior relationships would have cured you by now. :roll eyes: You are very unlikely to meet let alone make any meaningful connection with a secure attached person because they can see your issues from a mile. Even if you do it will be short-lived, certainly not long enough to attain any good therapy.

 

The trouble is that an intimate relationship with another person magnifies whatever we personally have going on. To the degree that the likely outcome is that you will spend the entire relationship knee-jerk reacting to the triggers the other person offers. It's like trying to avoid crashing once you've already lost control of the vehicle. Not only that but your partner is also highly reactive which means even if you do manage to somehow wrestle yourself back from your own unconscious triggers you can't do anything at all about what the other person does.

 

The only real solution is to deal with the problem before you enter the next relationship. How? Well that's a matter of what kind of solution you are looking for. Traditional psychotherapy I have not a clue about, it offered very little to me at a time when I was looking. I found another approach. If you're interested PM me (no I'm not selling anything, spruiking anything etc) it's just an alternative approach that I don't fancy getting flack about from randoms on the internet. But it's done me the world of good.

[Mind-Chants]

my childhood experiences tells me i am needy......i needed friends.....i needed the love of my father....i needed to feel safe and secure....i did without......in fact i developed personalities of my own ......to keep me safe...to deal with pain loss grief trauma...as i was always pushed away and made feel pathetic........or god gave me these buffers/personalities...one or the other....

 

The part where you said you developed buffers, I have read something very interesting. Most of us are aware of Psychoanalysis or Freudian Psychology. It talks about “Hidden Past”. But there is another school of Psychology called “Gestalt Psychology”. It talks about “Denied Past”. It believes that people’s problems often stemmed from hiding important parts of their feeling from themselves. If some part of our behavior is not acceptable to people around us, we hide that aspect behind a false mask of acceptable behavior. The person experiences unhappiness and maladjustment when real you doesn't match the mask.

 

as an adult.....my hearts worst nightmare would to be with someone who ignored me or pushed me away when i did eventually open up.....i cant work on my childhood its over......i feel it would actually be a mistake......some issues are meant to die unresolved.......like apologies for example.....or traumas that are forgotten......buried deep somewhere.....meant to be buried.....

 

 

Sense of trust develops very early in the childhood. The dynamics between the caregiver and child creates the trust mechanism. If caregiver attends to child as per child's demands and needs, they feel secure. But if caregiver attends to child as per his/her own convenience then a sense of insecurity arises and creates fracture in trust patterns. The former gives a secured attachment and the latter gives avoidant (no response to child) and anxious (occasional response to child needs) attachment.

 

A research also showed that food and attention is not enough, Contact comfort is also significant during early development. This creates a sense of security and develops a sense of trust.

[Wave Rider]

My experience is this, both suggestions are bollocks. The first one gives no known path for achieving that end and the second one will just give you a hell of a lot of triggers to deal with in the moment, before the relationship crashes and burns. The fundamental problem with both approaches is that they recommend you getting into a relationship with another person as a way to solve the problem. It's awful advice.

 

Hendrix asserts the the only way to fully heal is to be in a relationship. I'm not sure if that's true.

 

 

It's like trying to avoid crashing once you've already lost control of the vehicle.

 

This is a great way of describing my last two relationships.

 

The only real solution is to deal with the problem before you enter the next relationship. How? Well that's a matter of what kind of solution you are looking for. Traditional psychotherapy I have not a clue about, it offered very little to me at a time when I was looking. I found another approach. If you're interested PM me (no I'm not selling anything, spruiking anything etc) it's just an alternative approach that I don't fancy getting flack about from randoms on the internet. But it's done me the world of good.

 

I've been working on developing secure attachment in therapy for at least 6 months, and it hasn't worked too well.

[Wave Rider]

The part where you said you developed buffers, I have read something very interesting. Most of us are aware of Psychoanalysis or Freudian Psychology. It talks about “Hidden Past”. But there is another school of Psychology called “Gestalt Psychology”. It talks about “Denied Past”. It believes that people’s problems often stemmed from hiding important parts of their feeling from themselves. If some part of our behavior is not acceptable to people around us, we hide that aspect behind a false mask of acceptable behavior. The person experiences unhappiness and maladjustment when real you doesn't match the mask.

 

One of my favorite concepts in Imago therapy is the "Denied Self" or the parts of ourselves that we deny having, but that other people can see that we obviously have. I've been struggling to find the traits of my Denied Self, and they're not that easy to identify.

 

I met with my new Imago therapist today. I'm optimistic about some things getting better, though it will be a real challenge to find an Imago match and convince her to get on board with a program for personal change.

[todreaminblue]

The part where you said you developed buffers, I have read something very interesting. Most of us are aware of Psychoanalysis or Freudian Psychology. It talks about “Hidden Past”. But there is another school of Psychology called “Gestalt Psychology”. It talks about “Denied Past”. It believes that people’s problems often stemmed from hiding important parts of their feeling from themselves. If some part of our behavior is not acceptable to people around us, we hide that aspect behind a false mask of acceptable behavior. The person experiences unhappiness and maladjustment when real you doesn't match the mask.

 

 

 

 

Sense of trust develops very early in the childhood. The dynamics between the caregiver and child creates the trust mechanism. If caregiver attends to child as per child's demands and needs, they feel secure. But if caregiver attends to child as per his/her own convenience then a sense of insecurity arises and creates fracture in trust patterns. The former gives a secured attachment and the latter gives avoidant (no response to child) and anxious (occasional response to child needs) attachment.

 

A research also showed that food and attention is not enough, Contact comfort is also significant during early development. This creates a sense of security and develops a sense of trust.

 

 

you know what i believe ....that psychology and psychiatry has done a disservice to humanity, we often play pretend psychologists trying to work out a persons problems and issues and attachment types..even ourselves....we try and we mostly fail to diagnose our own selves let alone others.....and then because of that we fail to truly develop a relationship or relationships that could possibly be beautiful...judging people on possible not even probable personality disorders and conditions or attachment styles..... that cant really be proven because the human brain and emotional responses is still mostly....unknown..so psychology is left to be a maybe profession...maybe this maybe that..and professionals ...well...i have been maybe this maybe that.........that a lot of disorders and conditions in psychology and psychiatry overlap...theres a lot they still dont know.....probably never will

 

not too long ago they used to lock up people with standard depression and shock them into a vegetative state...all because mummy or daddy didnt love them enough.......and those were professional psychiatrists who followed rules set forth in books and journals....

 

i think its dangerous to psychoanalyse anyone....it is our failure then i guess to not properly develop a relationship.....and nurture and ...just try to get along.....try to understand without having to read something first......maybe instead follow our own heart and intuition.....some people just take more time to understand......i have been friends and still am with people who are hard going.....a lot of people dismiss them......thats a mistake......

 

we all change throughout our life.....we all need different things and at different times...we need to move upward and onward....all of us........we all have a multiple actually within us able to be developed is my theory....other sides.....that need to come out to deal with certain situations....instead of denying.....or pigeon holing ourselves or others...we should just ....be...and find acceptance within ourselves and externally from others would help also

 

 

i think we have to learn to accept and embrace..to actually grow and learn treasures ...that arent written in books...the books dont know us.....they actually deny ...individualities.......

 

 

 

sometimes the past and hidden things should remain...hidden and unexplored to concentrate on who you are and who you might be able to become not who you were three decades ago....would save big pharma from becoming so profitable on past misery and trauma......humanity would benefit more from that i believe it wouldnt however ...benefit ...pharmaceutical companies..........deb

Edited May 9, 2016 by todreaminblue

[Zapbasket]

I'm a big advocate for long-term psychotherapy with a highly qualified mental health professional who is compatible with you and your issues.

 

Don't get too bogged down in one psychological theory or other. Generally they all point towards the same things, but with different language, and slight nuances that depending on context, are all true. Reading psychological theories can be useful because it helps give you a language by which to understand your internal emotional states. Beyond that, it's important to articulate to yourself what your issues are, what your feelings are in the presence of certain triggers, and what end goal you ultimately want to reach through a hard effort towards self-improvement, with professional guidance.

 

The reason a good professional is helpful is that they help you stay with the task of self-insight and emotional growth even when it is absolutely miserable because you are beginning to recognize ways your perceptions and emotional reactions limit you. Often these realizations don't put you in a good light, and it's hard to face that down and continue to look deeply at yourself. Having someone empathically hold you to the proverbial fire when the "heat" is unbearable is how you can strip away old thought patterns and see your way through to adopting new ones.

 

It's not easy at all, this process. But despite what "pop-psych" and endless trite online articles attempt to claim, there are no shortcuts. It is very, very hard to change the emotional patterns that began to crystallize in you from birth. You have to have a lot of motivation even in the midst of great emotional distress AND when things seem to be going well. You have to keep at it until you see yourself naturally beginning to react differently to the same triggers.

 

Also, while it's possible for two "broken" people to heal each other through their relationship, it's highly unlikely because both people have to be ready, willing, and receptive--at the same time, to the same degree, and with the same capability-- to the process of healing. I don't know about you, but I've been with plenty of avoidant men (my pattern), and when we hit the inevitable crossroads caused by my pursuit and their avoidance, they were not ready, capable, willing, or cognizant of the need to examine our relationship dynamics and take steps with me to right the imbalance. I wanted to change, and they did not. One of them even said to me, "I am what I am, and I'm not changing." There can be no healing in such a dynamic.

 

So, you're best off committing to working on your issues on your own, before getting into another relationship. You'll know when you're ready for the kind of "secure" relationship you seek, because your own life, on your own, will begin to feel luminous with possibilities that had previously been sealed off by your own faulty thinking. At least, that is what I am finding, and I have heard plenty of testimonies from others that suggest the same.

Edited May 9, 2016 by GreenCove

[Buddhist]

Hendrix asserts the the only way to fully heal is to be in a relationship. I'm not sure if that's true.

 

I don't disagree with his thoughts, however......and here's the caveat. You have to be stable enough to actually conduct a relationship first in order to go to that deeper level he is talking about. If you cannot even get a relationship going then it can't be your first port of call. You have to start with you instead. Our primary relationship was, is and always will be the one we have with ourselves.

 

This is a great way of describing my last two relationships.

 

And it perfectly describes my previous 5....

 

I've been working on developing secure attachment in therapy for at least 6 months, and it hasn't worked too well.

 

Well I hope you find something that does work for you. Everyone has their preferred methods and whatever is calling you is right for you at that time.

Edited May 9, 2016 by Buddhist

[PrettyEmily77]

The attachment theory test is the only I ever did, kind of for for, and it turns out I'm secure, which I'm not surprised at. I've both been on the anxious and avoidant spectrum with a couple of my relationships so all in all, I don't get too hung up on that kind of stuff in general.

 

The simple explanation could be that you haven't yet met a person you are compatible enough with. I'd look at what makes you attracted to someone first - you might have a subconscious type or you might get into relationship in particular moments in your life, etc... Any emerging pattern doesn't have to be a psychological dysfunction.

[Cinnamonstix]

I have been anxious, avoidant and secure in my relationships, depending on who it was with or the climate of the relationship at the time.

 

I don't agree that a "healing relationship" should be where you partner up with someone who is effectively your version of kryptonite and hope to heal each other in the midst of a push-pull dynamic. Rather, partner up with someone who has similar/complementary needs. THAT is a truly healing relationship because it will feel healthy (both of your needs are met), secure and like no work at all.

[burnt]

I'd look at what makes you attracted to someone first - you might have a subconscious type or you might get into relationship in particular moments in your life, etc... Any emerging pattern doesn't have to be a psychological dysfunction.

 

Interestingly enough it's the subconscious that often leads us to get involved with the unhealthy.

 

The women who were abused during childhood by the fathers often times subconsciously seek out a familiar trait in a man and end up right in the very abusive relationship that damaged them in the first place. Often times, we don't even realize that we are seeking out the painful until we have repeated the same story enough times for us the see the pattern in our own actions.

[Mind-Chants]

I think this is a kind of self fulfilling prophecy. People read/observe things about themselves and when things happen accordingly, the belief gets reinforced. And when same things happen again, we find ourselves repeating a pattern. In case one has rigid persona, things don't change and s/he falls into a loop.