Love him but not his background and his family

[blueberrymuffin]

I got it together with a friend who had always liked me. He was always a great guy on paper and I always loved him deeply as a friend but I had had zero attraction to him. Fast forward and I decided I had nothing to lose by trying it out as I have been at the stage of wanting marriage and babies for some time now. I was apprehensive at first but the happy ending is it actually worked out great. I now love him and can totally see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

 

HOWEVER, I have a major issue. I cannot stand what his family represents. Let me elaborate, they are extremely religious and religion has absolutely no place for me or my family. This family is so extreme that every part of their life is focused on this, down to jobs, what they eat, hobbies, even Facebook comments! I am an atheist. My boyfriend does not believe in organised religion but is not ready to tag himself as an atheist, although all our conversations about religion to point to that he does not believe, he just can not get away from his indoctrinated childhood and admit it. I would expect to raise my kids with no religion. I would certainly not tolerate my children under the age of 16 to be taken to places of religious worship or to undergo religious practices. There is no negotiation for me on that front. It is my basic line and nothing will make be move from it. At the moment my boyfriend is cool with this idea but it is the future that worries me.

 

I know I'm jumping way ahead here, but I have to think about these things. I know I would never be able to let his mom take care of future kids for an extended period of time because she would just fill their head with stuff I don't want. She is so faith focused you could not talk to her about it. In fact she would see it as her duty to make the kids share her faith. If we did get married, his family would insist that no alcohol served at the wedding (or would be very offended if it was), there to be a religious element to the wedding and so on. The list of incompatibilities between me and his family goes on. If it was just us, then we would be pretty much compatible on most decisions and if we're not we make it work. Take for example, he does not drink due to his background leading to a personal choice as an adult, but he does carry me home when I'm drunk we have alcohol in the house and he would totally have alcohol at our wedding for all our friends.

 

This is driving me nuts. I actually really love my boyfriend and if it was just him it would be great and I would not be writing this. But it is not just him. He does not see his family a ton and he does not share their beliefs (he is the only one) but he does love them and clearly loves his mother and is very close to her. Is is fair to carry this relationship on? Knowing that in the future once we're married and have kids I am going to do everything in my power to distance him from his extended family. In my head the ideal solution would be that it would be fine for him to go alone to all the family events, the religious events they do as a family (that he currently attends just as a part of the family but not for religios reasons) but I would not go and neither would any future children. I would have no problem with him seeing his mom and dad after work a couple of evenings a week in fact I would encourage it, but I would not go. I would be ok with seeing them maybe once every couple of months. I understand he will always have a strong bond with his mom, dad and sister which is awesome in my book, but I would however want him to step right away from his larger extended family as they are out of control on the whole religion thing.

 

Is this too big a hurdle to overcome? We are compatible in other ways and are happy. Do I wait for someone with a more compatible family to come along? But the irony of that would be, I am now in my mid to late 30s and I guess this is my last chance for a dead cert family. Waiting for someone else would be dicing with my ability to have kids.

Edited April 16, 2016 by blueberrymuffin

[d0nnivain]

Yes it is too big of a hurdle overcome.

 

 

You are already planning to ostracize his family. That will never work long term.

 

 

I can't even imagine the fights that will break out when you announce you want to have a wedding somewhere other than their church.

[GR4]

Yeah, it's a tough one. The only way it could work was if your boyfriend was willing to part company with his family which, by the sounds of it, he wouldn't be willing to do. I can't see this really working to be honest.

 

I totally commend you for your decision to bring up any kids you have in that manner though. As a fellow atheist if I were to ever have kids I would pull out all the stops to avoid them being exposed to any religion or any sort of religious material or preachings. Once they're 18 they can make their own decision, although obviously I'd rather they steered clear of religion.

 

Good luck whatever you decide to do but I don't think you should be with someone for the sake of wanting marriage and kids. Find someone you're better suited to.

[scorpiogirl]

You sound incredibly selfish. I want. I will. I'm going to. I'm running out of time.

You're going to do everything you can to distance your (husband) from his extended family?

 

Yes the hurdle is too big because just like his family forces their religion down people's throats, so you're going to force your beliefs down your children's throats and probably try to keep their grandparents away from them. This all sounds very extreme.

 

People from differing belief systems can and do co-exist. I see it every day. But that's because they embrace the differences. They don't try to make people believe theirs is the right way. They show tolerance. And yes, when the time comes the children decide their own path.

 

You're inflexible and I hope your boyfriend knows you're going to help alienate him from his family.

[Lady2163]

I was going to wait until tomorrow to comment on this.

 

Love is about compromise. And you are not willing to compromise. You are already planning to not be a part of his family.

 

Religion is also history. It is our history as human beings.

 

You seem to be spoiling for a fight.

 

You won't be able to control every aspect of your future children and their experiences. What if they want to be in Girl Scouts or Boy Scouts? Will you refuse that because I do think there is a prayer and/or the say the pledge of allegiance? What if they spend the night at a friends house and they pray before the meal? Will you be able to teach a child to be respectful of other people in their own house? Children do have a habit of popping off with the darnedest things.

 

I am assuming you are referring to Christianity or Mormonism.

 

Personally, I was exposed to a variety of religions in my childhood. My religion is different than my parents. I did get to choose.

 

Religion brings comfort to people.

 

You aren't willing to compromise and you seem determined that your future in-laws won't compromise.

 

Have your JP wedding Friday.

Have your church wedding Saturday morning, light lunch reception at church.

Have your kick ass reception with alcohol and dancing and such Saturday night.

 

You could always tell your in laws you don't want to baptize your children because you want them to find their own way to religion.

 

You haven't said if this man is willing to marry you. Does he know your plans for the future regarding child rearing and his family? It is wrong to not tell him this.

 

If you do decide to get married, you and boyfriend need to sit down with his parents at a neutral place and discuss your discomfort. You need to give the, a chance to compromise. And, they probably will try and witness to you. It's a basic tenet. There has to be a way for you to be polite, respectful and firm in your stance without being offensive.

 

I wouldn't want you for a daughter in law or a sister in law. It isn't because you're an atheist, it is because you're planning how to be a drama queen and cause problems.

 

I'm also unimpressed with a 30 something who thinks it is okay for her non drinking boyfriend to carry her drunk butt home. Seriously? I think the last time I was falling down drunk was my 31st birthday.

[Buddhist]

Well my answer was going to be, no problem! As long as you're not planning to marry and have kids.... Yeah okay, there's your answer.

[blueberrymuffin]

Just to clarify some comments. I don't believe I am the one who will force beliefs down anyones throats. Any parent brings their children up as they see fit. I am not saying I will object to my future children discovering religion when they are older, I just object to my potential children being fed stories about fluffy clouds by their grandparents when they are little. I prefer to have my (and my husband) manage what our kids hear and believe when young.

 

The main issue I have here is I want to live my life in a certain way, a way my boyfriend agrees with. The issue will be that his family will do everything they can to force their beliefs on to me and if we have future children. Trust me, I'm not talking of some occasional church going here, that would not be an issue. Mildly religious I could handle and would be ok with. They are so devout that they will see it as their lives work to make me 'see the light' and if I am lost to it they would try to make future children follow the faith. They are disappointed that their son has removed himself from the religion and I know they truely believe he will find it again.

 

I just don't want to live my life clouded by them and their religion. You know what if I want to have alcohol in the house I will, if I want to have a jp wedding (as I do) and not have any religion in the ceremony then it is my right and this is something my boyfriend supports personally. It gets complicated for him when he starts thinking about all the people he will offend. I think he is inclined to do the religious thing to keep the peace with his family.

 

He does not disagree that I will not attend the huge religious events the family has but he does not know that should we get married and have children, I have no intention of allowing his parents to look after any children when we are working. I think he totally sees his mom who is a homemaker, taking on the childcare which she would love. (My mom has a busy successful career and would only take care of childcare one day a week but no more). I can see him objecting to us paying for a stranger to do it when his mom would love to do it.

 

I am just so frustrated by this. We work as a couple. More than with anyone else I've ever been with. He would make a great father and husband. I just do not know if this will implode when the tensions get too much.

[jamie12]

I didn't read the story.

 

My mom always told me "When you marry to a guy, you don't marry just to him, but to his family, so be wise. If his family makes you drama and problems or hates you, run, there a lot of other people in this world"

I think my mom is right

[elaine567]

HOWEVER, I have a major issue. I cannot stand what his family represents. Let me elaborate, they are extremely religious and religion has absolutely no place for me or my family. This family is so extreme that every part of their life is focused on this, down to jobs, what they eat, hobbies, even Facebook comments!

 

Can I ask what religion is this?

[bathtub-row]

You're going to have a lot of problems on your hands if you marry this guy and the biggest one is going to be keeping your children away from his mom. That's just not going to work. The next big problem is you staying disconnected from his family. These two things alone are going to create arguments and resentment between the two of you. And if you end up divorcing over this - which is very possible - then you will have absolutely no say over what he does with the kids when they're with him. It's very possible that he would return to the religion and the kids would then have extreme exposure to it. Even if he didn't return, he would most likely give his family full access to the kids and I'm sure you can see how that would pan out.

 

I was raised in a religion very similar to the way you describe his family's religion. The only exception is that when a person leaves the religion, the family cuts you off. My family did that with me for awhile but luckily that didn't last. However me leaving did create a slight rift between us that never really went away. To this day, I resent that religion for everything it represents. It tore my family apart.

 

Your bf's family's religion could feasibly do the same thing to you and your family. The reason I say that is two-fold. First of all, your bf still seems to be influenced by the religion and is somewhat on the fence about it. The other thing is genetics. Some people are simply programmed to have this need for religion, etc. Your children may end up gravitating toward the religion simply because of family genetics, and because you're so against it.

 

In my case, my son had virtually no exposure to the religion I was raised in and he thinks a lot like me. So there was no danger of him getting involved in it. If he had, it truly would've broken my heart. My son's dad - now my ex - became Mr Religious after we divorced. He never showed any inclination toward it while we were married. He became so judgmental and self-righteous after we divorced and he's still that way today. My son, who's in his mid-20's now, wants nothing to do with religion. But for my part, I rarely talked to him about it one way or another. I wouldn't have minded if he had gotten involved with an ordinary church but the cult religions really turn my stomach and that would've destroyed me. I got lucky where my son is concerned.

 

I think if I were you, I'd have a long talk with my bf. First of all, I think it would be best if the two of you moved far away from his family. Then he'd need to agree that your kids would have very minimal exposure to his family. If any of that makes him squeamish, then you're taking a huge risk by marrying him. I think I'd just find a sperm bank, have a couple of kids and be done with it.

[GR4]

You're going to have a lot of problems on your hands if you marry this guy and the biggest one is going to be keeping your children away from his mom. That's just not going to work. The next big problem is you staying disconnected from his family. These two things alone are going to create arguments and resentment between the two of you. And if you end up divorcing over this - which is very possible - then you will have absolutely no say over what he does with the kids when they're with him. It's very possible that he would return to the religion and the kids would then have extreme exposure to it. Even if he didn't return, he would most likely give his family full access to the kids and I'm sure you can see how that would pan out.

 

I was raised in a religion very similar to the way you describe his family's religion. The only exception is that when a person leaves the religion, the family cuts you off. My family did that with me for awhile but luckily that didn't last. However me leaving did create a slight rift between us that never really went away. To this day, I resent that religion for everything it represents. It tore my family apart.

 

Your bf's family's religion could feasibly do the same thing to you and your family. The reason I say that is two-fold. First of all, your bf still seems to be influenced by the religion and is somewhat on the fence about it. The other thing is genetics. Some people are simply programmed to have this need for religion, etc. Your children may end up gravitating toward the religion simply because of family genetics, and because you're so against it.

 

In my case, my son had virtually no exposure to the religion I was raised in and he thinks a lot like me. So there was no danger of him getting involved in it. If he had, it truly would've broken my heart. My son's dad - now my ex - became Mr Religious after we divorced. He never showed any inclination toward it while we were married. He became so judgmental and self-righteous after we divorced and he's still that way today. My son, who's in his mid-20's now, wants nothing to do with religion. But for my part, I rarely talked to him about it one way or another. I wouldn't have minded if he had gotten involved with an ordinary church but the cult religions really turn my stomach and that would've destroyed me. I got lucky where my son is concerned.

 

I think if I were you, I'd have a long talk with my bf. First of all, I think it would be best if the two of you moved far away from his family. Then he'd need to agree that your kids would have very minimal exposure to his family. If any of that makes him squeamish, then you're taking a huge risk by marrying him. I think I'd just find a sperm bank, have a couple of kids and be done with it.

 

All religions are cults. There is no difference between Scientology and Christianity, for example. Both are based on made up nonsense and control. Just one is much newer. They're just two sides of the same coin.

 

The more I think about this the more I think you shouldn't be with this man. Or at least don't have kids with this man. I totally understand where you are coming from so I sympathise with you.

[Survivor12]

Love is about more than feelings. You may love him, but if you were truly "loving", you would not want to put him in a position to choose between you and his family and ask him to sacrifice his own desires and beliefs.

 

Everything in what you have written is about what YOU expect and demand regardless of the fact that you know that your decisions will cause both him and his family great distress and very likely cause a wedge between them.

 

Instead of coming here for advice, tell him exactly what your intentions are and let HIM make a truly informed decision about choosing whether or not he wants a future with you. In fact, instead of telling him, show him what you have posted here.

 

I must also add that you are overlooking the effect that it will have on your children to grow up in the midst of moral conflict and, very likely, estrangement from their grandparents. Remember, his family's blood will flow through their veins as well as yours. Do you really want them to feel the need to deny what is a part of themselves as you are wanting their father to do?

 

They should know who their grandparents really are, not just the censored version you want them to be. It's a big world out there and they will have to make choices based on what you teach them. Do you really want to raise them to be narrow minded and intolerant of other beliefs?

 

I have friends who have managed to raise two wise and emotionally healthy children in a Jewish/Christian household. They understand that their parents have different beliefs and have been exposed to both religions all of their lives. As young adults, one has adhered to the Jewish faith; the other, Christian. Both are well-balanced, happy & close with each other & their parents. It can be done.

 

I, personally, have a son that was raised in a Christian home but is agnostic. His wife is Athiest (also from a Christian family). My son has an uncle (my brother) who is gay and another who is a minister. There is no indoctrination of my grandchildren by any of us, including their parents, although none of us hide--or have been asked to hide--our personal beliefs.

 

What they do know is that we all love and respect each other, despite our differences in beliefs and lives. And in the end, that's what really matters.

 

I urge you to rethink your position and consider the fact that children quite often grow up and make choices that differ from their parents'. Whether or not you attempt to isolate them from exposure to ideas that are different than yours, they will ultimately become aware of them anyway. The more information they have to draw from, the better prepared they will be as adults to decide for themselves.

[introverted1]

From the sound of it, both you and your bf's family are unyielding and unable to compromise when it comes to matters of faith.

 

Unless you can both reach a place of tolerance for each other's belief systems, it would be foolish to continue the relationship.

 

It is unfair to put your bf in the middle and equally unfair to prevent future children from potentially having a full and unrestricted relationship with their grandparents.

[Versacehottie]

Yes it is too big of a hurdle overcome.

 

 

 

Yes this is exactly what I would say:

TOO BIG A HURDLE

 

You can hear the resentment already between the lines of your original post. Your values are at extreme odds. At some point, I think you will transfer that resentment to him as a person. Also to feel that way about his family and what he believes is just going to cause problem after problem. I think, sorry, that it was a little selfish of you not to think about this before you got into a relationship with him. If someone's background is extremely faith-based and you don't agree with that thought process or lifestyle, and you know that up front, why put yourself and him in a situation where it will need to be addressed and sorted out? Because your clock is ticking? Sorry that is not a great reason. You owed this guy more as his friend to start with. You should have done the right thing and remained his true friend. Anyhow, good luck unraveling this.

[ExpatInItaly]

This is never going to work.

 

Sorry OP, but I think you would be better off with someone whose views are in line with your own.

[Timshel]

I will play 'devil's advocate' and say that if we draw to ourselves what we need to learn then perhaps this is a learning for you. I am not suggesting that you will learn religion but a tolerance.

 

You may need to walk away from this relationship as it is unfair to keep grandchildren from grandparents and a husband from his family unless it is abusive. It's also unfair to yourself to deny the possibility of loving and engaging with in-laws who in marriage can be a wonderful experience.

 

At this point, an open and very honest discussion with your bf should happen. Either the two of you will navigate through with equanimity or decide to move in different directions. It is good that you are thinking this through before marriage and best to consider future relationships your possible children may have. That is wise and mature...now talk with him about this and don't enter any outcome with fear.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I got it together with a friend who had always liked me. He was always a great guy on paper and I always loved him deeply as a friend but I had had zero attraction to him. Fast forward and I decided I had nothing to lose by trying it out as I have been at the stage of wanting marriage and babies for some time now. I was apprehensive at first but the happy ending is it actually worked out great. I now love him and can totally see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

 

HOWEVER, I have a major issue. I cannot stand what his family represents. Let me elaborate, they are extremely religious and religion has absolutely no place for me or my family. This family is so extreme that every part of their life is focused on this, down to jobs, what they eat, hobbies, even Facebook comments! I am an atheist. My boyfriend does not believe in organised religion but is not ready to tag himself as an atheist, although all our conversations about religion to point to that he does not believe, he just can not get away from his indoctrinated childhood and admit it. I would expect to raise my kids with no religion. I would certainly not tolerate my children under the age of 16 to be taken to places of religious worship or to undergo religious practices. There is no negotiation for me on that front. It is my basic line and nothing will make be move from it. At the moment my boyfriend is cool with this idea but it is the future that worries me.

 

I know I'm jumping way ahead here, but I have to think about these things. I know I would never be able to let his mom take care of future kids for an extended period of time because she would just fill their head with stuff I don't want. She is so faith focused you could not talk to her about it. In fact she would see it as her duty to make the kids share her faith. If we did get married, his family would insist that no alcohol served at the wedding (or would be very offended if it was), there to be a religious element to the wedding and so on. The list of incompatibilities between me and his family goes on. If it was just us, then we would be pretty much compatible on most decisions and if we're not we make it work. Take for example, he does not drink due to his background leading to a personal choice as an adult, but he does carry me home when I'm drunk we have alcohol in the house and he would totally have alcohol at our wedding for all our friends.

 

This is driving me nuts. I actually really love my boyfriend and if it was just him it would be great and I would not be writing this. But it is not just him. He does not see his family a ton and he does not share their beliefs (he is the only one) but he does love them and clearly loves his mother and is very close to her. Is is fair to carry this relationship on? Knowing that in the future once we're married and have kids I am going to do everything in my power to distance him from his extended family. In my head the ideal solution would be that it would be fine for him to go alone to all the family events, the religious events they do as a family (that he currently attends just as a part of the family but not for religios reasons) but I would not go and neither would any future children. I would have no problem with him seeing his mom and dad after work a couple of evenings a week in fact I would encourage it, but I would not go. I would be ok with seeing them maybe once every couple of months. I understand he will always have a strong bond with his mom, dad and sister which is awesome in my book, but I would however want him to step right away from his larger extended family as they are out of control on the whole religion thing.

 

Is this too big a hurdle to overcome? We are compatible in other ways and are happy. Do I wait for someone with a more compatible family to come along? But the irony of that would be, I am now in my mid to late 30s and I guess this is my last chance for a dead cert family. Waiting for someone else would be dicing with my ability to have kids.

 

If you're an atheist, he's just settling.