Why I don't like excessive texting before meeting

[andie1969]

Yeah, it's a great tool to use to see if you have anything in common and I can also usually tell if the person has a great sense of humor, etc. BUT, when you start texting someone all through the day before you even meet and then that drops off after meeting, it creates all kinds of anxiety! I started chatting to a guy over the weekend who was on POF, we swapped phone numbers, he was texting me over the weekend, telling me goodnight, and texting good morning, etc. So, we met last night after work for a drink, spent 3 hours talking and finally went home, he had dogs to let out and I have a daughter at home, but we were very much enjoying talking to each other. I sent him a short text when I got home, thanks again for the drinks, it was nice meeting you. He replied, nice meeting you too. Not a word this morning! Now do I need good morning texts?? Hell no!! But since he started that and then hasn't communicated with me at all today, of course I'm thinking "he doesn't want to see me again"... ugh...

[smudge21]

I've gone through the similar thing, with someone texting me all the time, then dropping off and me thinking that's it, she doesn't want me anymore. Nothing better than a little over thinking to really get you all worked up, especially when you've got so used to bucket loads of contact but then it suddenly drops. Don't make my mistake and start initiating all the time, as in return, they'll get used to that and then back off, which will lead to you getting annoyed and also backing off. Try keeping it to simple texts, try phone calls instead. If all else fails, throw the phone away and train a pigeon to drop him notes. Or just try and enjoy the journey without worrying too much about the destination...

[andie1969]

Yep, I sent the first text last night after meeting, he had initiated everything before that, so I'm backing off now until I hear from him. He's a physician so I know he has a very demanding job and crazy hours, BUT he was texting me between surgeries yesterday, and nothing at all this morning, ugh! I hate anxiety lol!

[smudge21]

It's that sudden change that is bothering you now. You got used to (and excited by) the contact and now it's dropped off. Not knowing doesn't help, but there's little you can do until you hear from him. If he doesn't contact you then sadly there's nothing you can do about it. I hate anxiety too, but what is there to do - suck it up and see what happens, or go fishing for something that will bite a bit harder and not let go.

[joseb]

Sorry it just sounds like his interest is low after meeting

 

The excessive texting before meeting might have contributed to that. It takes two to over text, next time keep the virtual communication down.

[andie1969]

Thanks everyone.... He did reach out to me yesterday, just a quick text to see how my day was. I do know the nature of his job and that combined with him having 4 kids limits his free time. But yea, the communication before even meeting someone can set a precedent & if it changes it can cause so much confusion & anxiety.

[TunaInTheBrine]

Until two people meet in person, online dating is a fantasy. People can't help but make up stories in their heads of who this person is based on their profile, pictures and the hopes each person has. This is why it's so critical to keep virtual communication to a minimum until you actually meet. The more back-and-forth you do until the first meeting, the deeper the fantasies and expectations that get created. Then when people meet up and the in-person interaction 'feels' different than the virtual one, even if it's a decent meeting, it can potentially ruin things. Online dating should really be called 'online introductions'. Set up a date as quick as possible and only use texting briefly beforehand to flirt lightly and confirm a meeting time. Wait until you meet to allow yourself to form any emotional connection.

 

I personally don't like excessive emails or texting before meeting someone from online. Probably in every instance that this happened, the date was either a disappointment or the person was desperate for a relationship. Last night I met someone who was trying to text me every day leading up to the date ("how are you?"; "how was your day?", etc...). When we met she seemed overeager without really knowing me and continued to text me last night and this morning until I told her she seemed nice but that I didn't feel we were a romantic match.

[TunaInTheBrine]

Thanks everyone.... He did reach out to me yesterday, just a quick text to see how my day was. I do know the nature of his job and that combined with him having 4 kids limits his free time. But yea, the communication before even meeting someone can set a precedent & if it changes it can cause so much confusion & anxiety.

 

Good. Hopefully this helps to put you at ease a little.

[kendahke]

sometimes, I wonder if people who do this on purpose--to build up the other person so much through a text deluge that it leads to inevitable disappointment--are really relationship phobes who rather enjoy the whole "pen pal" aspect of OLD and aren't truthfully looking to find anyone?

[Poppyolive]

I'm totally going through this right now. I'd much prefer the person to say, hey, it was great, but I'm not feeling it, rather than fizzling out. The hardest part is not knowing, especially if the volume and content of texts change. It's up to you how much you can take, wait, then move on.

 

My situation is texting for about a week. Then met up, date went really well. He spoke about doing different activities together, before parting. I waited for him to text, he said "it was really great to see you". The texts after this have dropped off...from about 8 texts to 2 texts per day.

 

I think It's great advice to cut texts and meet quicker.

[GemmaUK]

The last time I did a bit of OLDating I declined to give my number out.

 

Some were cool with it and some were not.

I met those who were OK with it.

 

I don't like/need the 'good morning', 'how is your day?' stuff even in a relationship. To me it's tedium and takes that mystery away - plus you have nothing to talk about when you meet. It's all been said already via the awful medium of text.

Edited April 14, 2016 by GemmaUK

[andie1969]

sometimes, I wonder if people who do this on purpose--to build up the other person so much through a text deluge that it leads to inevitable disappointment--are really relationship phobes who rather enjoy the whole "pen pal" aspect of OLD and aren't truthfully looking to find anyone?

 

Thankfully we only chatted/texted 2 days before we met in person, unless there is a very valid reason I see no sense in talking for weeks before meeting in person. I'm not looking for a LDR, so working around that is not an issue, I only meet people in my area.

 

Started talking on Sunday via dating site, texted on Monday and made plans to meet Tuesday after work. So...not a long time of texting, and Sunday he wasn't working so had more time, but Tuesday, geez, he texted me a good morning at 7:30 and continued to update me on his status throughout the day. He seemed eager/excited to meet, so just not sure how he feels now. Got one text around noon yesterday and another short one last night, but nothing today.

 

Another thing I didn't mention before, when we were texting Monday evening he asked if I was nervous about meeting, I said, "no, it'll be cool". He replied, "what if you think I'm ugly?", I said "LOL I've seen your pics, you're not ugly". He then went on to say he doesn't take good pics...just seemed a little insecure if that makes sense.

[SwordofFlame]

Thankfully we only chatted/texted 2 days before we met in person, unless there is a very valid reason I see no sense in talking for weeks before meeting in person. I'm not looking for a LDR, so working around that is not an issue, I only meet people in my area.

 

Started talking on Sunday via dating site, texted on Monday and made plans to meet Tuesday after work. So...not a long time of texting, and Sunday he wasn't working so had more time, but Tuesday, geez, he texted me a good morning at 7:30 and continued to update me on his status throughout the day. He seemed eager/excited to meet, so just not sure how he feels now. Got one text around noon yesterday and another short one last night, but nothing today.

 

Another thing I didn't mention before, when we were texting Monday evening he asked if I was nervous about meeting, I said, "no, it'll be cool". He replied, "what if you think I'm ugly?", I said "LOL I've seen your pics, you're not ugly". He then went on to say he doesn't take good pics...just seemed a little insecure if that makes sense.

 

I'm guessing people that do this maybe new to online dating.

[katiegrl]

Thankfully we only chatted/texted 2 days before we met in person, unless there is a very valid reason I see no sense in talking for weeks before meeting in person. I'm not looking for a LDR, so working around that is not an issue, I only meet people in my area.

 

Started talking on Sunday via dating site, texted on Monday and made plans to meet Tuesday after work. So...not a long time of texting, and Sunday he wasn't working so had more time, but Tuesday, geez, he texted me a good morning at 7:30 and continued to update me on his status throughout the day. He seemed eager/excited to meet, so just not sure how he feels now. Got one text around noon yesterday and another short one last night, but nothing today.

 

Another thing I didn't mention before, when we were texting Monday evening he asked if I was nervous about meeting, I said, "no, it'll be cool". He replied, "what if you think I'm ugly?", I said "LOL I've seen your pics, you're not ugly". He then went on to say he doesn't take good pics...just seemed a little insecure if that makes sense.

 

What have your replies been like? Did you tell him how much you enjoyed meeting him and that you would like to get together again?

 

Some guys need that green light.

 

And from what you've written in bolded, he does sound insecure and may think YOU don't like him!

[andie1969]

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What have your replies been like? Did you tell him how much you enjoyed meeting him and that you would like to get together again?

 

Some guys need that green light.

 

And from what you've written in bolded, he does sound insecure and may think YOU don't like him!

 

He wrote that before we even met, I was very receptive on the "date" (first meet really), and texted him that evening, thanks again for the drinks, it was nice meeting you! with a smiley face. I replied to him yesterday, but all he did was ask about my day, didn't mention getting together again.

 

AAARGH, why does dating have to be so hard??

[katiegrl]

He wrote that before we even met, I was very receptive on the "date" (first meet really), and texted him that evening, thanks again for the drinks, it was nice meeting you! with a smiley face. I replied to him yesterday, but all he did was ask about my day, didn't mention getting together again.

 

AAARGH, why does dating have to be so hard??

 

Okay that's good enough.

 

I dunno, how was the chemistry? You said you got along great and had fun, but were there sparks?

 

Sounds like he was all gung ho about you before you met but now not so much.

 

But perhaps he is letting the date marinate in his head for awhile... before he figures out if he wants to move forward.

 

Just trying to stay positive here.

 

It does sound quite strange though...

 

My personal motto is.... if I have to wonder whether or not a man is interested... then he is probably not.

 

I guess if I have any advice it would be....still stay open should he ask you out again, but continue meeting other guys too.

[andie1969]

Yeah that is the plan...we sat at the bar, next to each other, I prefer facing each other, but he was already there when I got there. We met just before 5, so still pretty early and it's a sports bar so not a lot of ambiance lol. He did show me a lot of pics of his kids on his phone and talked about his family a lot, we were there for 3 hours so I got the feeling he enjoyed talking to me. I know he works crazy hours, yesterday when he asked how my day was and I replied and also ask him, he just said "insane", that was it. Ah well, we'll see what happens!

[katiegrl]

Yeah that is the plan...we sat at the bar, next to each other, I prefer facing each other, but he was already there when I got there. We met just before 5, so still pretty early and it's a sports bar so not a lot of ambiance lol. He did show me a lot of pics of his kids on his phone and talked about his family a lot, we were there for 3 hours so I got the feeling he enjoyed talking to me. I know he works crazy hours, yesterday when he asked how my day was and I replied and also ask him, he just said "insane", that was it. Ah well, we'll see what happens!

 

Was there any touching or did he try to kiss you? Anything that would indicate he was attracted to you?

 

I mean like I said, sounds like y'all got along and everything, enjoyed the conversation, but if there is no chemistry or a spark, something to indicate there was at least some attraction, then what you've got is a friendship.

 

But yeah wait and see how things transpire.

 

Good luck!

[andie1969]

Nope, nothing like that. It's hard to explain, but we both work in a very small town (neither of us live here) and know pretty much everyone else in town, we both know the owner of the bar, etc. So, I know I would have felt awkward being touchy-feely in there since we both have high profile jobs here. I wasn't expecting anything like that, I did get a hug out in the parking lot by my car though, it was still very much daylight lol and I think we both felt a little awkward.

 

Yes, we "met" on POF, but we also knew who the other was through friends and colleagues although we've never socialized together before. We have a number of mutual friends, so I guess it wasn't the typical OLD meet...

 

I should mention, he is only here one, two days at the most, a week. His main office is 30 minutes away where he lives, his satellite office is just down the road from my office. Tuesday was the only day he worked here in town. Think rural NE Ohio/Midwest lol...