Is my head not thinking clearly in this relationship

[nymetsfan]

Hello All

I will try and give you as much background to give you the best chance to help.

 

 

First off I am 38 years old. I am divorced after being married very young I was 22 when I was married. I was married for 15 years. I was in one relationship after that before the one I need advice on that lasted 6 months and was terrible as the woman made me feel like everything was wrong with me and really hurt my confidence. As for my marriage we did not fight or anything we were just two people who got married young and grew apart. We have no kids.

 

 

The woman I will need help with is 35. She has a 14 year old son. According to the past she does talk about she was married until she could not deal with his cheating. She left him when her son was 4 and he threatened her, stalked her, tried to blackmail her and it was a very bad divorce. He disappeared from the sons life but still to this day if he can find her tries to harrass her. She even needed a restraining order at one point. After that she is very secretive about her past other then to tell me she dated one guy for 6 months but broke up because his mother was too involved and another guy twice over a 3 year span for 2 and 3 months each time but just too many issues. I assume there has been another guy she wont talk about just based on the fact she has been proposed to a total of 3 times but only said yes to the 1 husband she has.

 

 

So we meet a bit back and the two of us both felt really strong at first site. Did not take long for our dating to becomes an actual boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. We both feel very strongly that we might be the ones for each other. So let me lay this out for you so I can figure out if I am creating issues in my own head or should I be concerned.

 

 

First off you should know I am extremely affectionate and romantic. I was not always this way but as I grew up I became that way. I go out of my way to make sure she feels special every day and I have no issue saying i love you 3 or 4 times a day on the phone or in text.

 

 

The good points first...

 

 

She tells me she loves me

She once told me I make her feel like a brand new person (Whatever that means)

She lets me take her son out alone which no man has ever been allowed to do except one guy and it was one time. I take him out or too the doctors or whereever and its no problem.

She put my number in her moms phone so we can say high from time to time

I bought her a pre engagement/ promise ring and she choose to where it on her ring finger (which is not always where it is worn)

She tells me she wants us to move in together in June when we need to relocate to a new area of the state. And so far all indications show we will.

Doesnt hide our relationship. She claims to say she told her employees about me. I have no proof but I have to trust her.

I mentioned wanting to marry her one day and she did not shy away.

She even let me have access to her facebook page which was not needed or asked for to show she hids nothing.

 

Here is the thing. With all that said certain things concern me and I wonder if they should. We both work very busy schedules and she has a rough commute each day for work. Because of that we only see each other one day a week on Sunday. We do text and try and say good night on the phone every night if we can before one of us goes to bed.

 

 

List of concerns.....

 

 

I miss her like crazy when we are not together but whenever I say I miss you she never says it back. Its like she never misses me or she is so busy with work and a child and a mother she stays connected to she does not have time to think about it? Its like she has no issues only seeing each other once a week for like 6 to 7 hours. Yet if you love someone arent you dying to see them?

 

 

She is back and forth with affection. Some days she is very affectionate whether it is text or on the phone but not allows. Some days she will say I love you and some days not say it at all. She is much more affectionate in person then in text or on the phone. But it comes and goes. I once said to her how come some days you dont say I love you back and she said I show you I love you by my actions you should not need it confirmed every day

 

 

I seem to always make her a priority and it does not always seem to make meone. For example tonight she was home from work and relaxing watching tv and could have called me anytime to talk a little and say goodnight but instead she waited until 11 pm to call for 5 minutes to say goodnight. Makes me wonder a bit why? WHy not jump at a chance to talk?

 

 

And this one really has me concerned. We recently started talking about marriage and I mentioned I was going to get a ring for her soon. I said why dont you start to look and see what kind of style and such you want. Now to me the man you love who you claim is the right guy for you and that you want to settle down which (hence move together and let around your son) says lets start looking at the next step and she doesnt seem like I feel a woman would act. I would think the woman would be jumping to go look at rings and be overjoyed by this. She is like well you should go look and get ideas what is out there. I had a conversation tonight with her and said how my first marriage I was so young nothing about the proposal or anything was magical. And she said the same about her marriage. I said I want this to be super special. We go look together and make it magical. I was like most women would be jumping for joy. She said you cant tell me how to be. I am not like every woman I am my own. I need to work up to gettting in that mindset to be super excited. I said but dont you want this and us to be the last people for each other. SHe said I would not be here if I didnt. And then she laughed and said I am very excited. Like she thinks I am kidding.

 

 

I am really not sure what to make of this. I really truly love her but she is a lot less affectionate then me. She has her moments but a lot of times I say something nice and I just get a thats very sweet. She is super professional and claims she is a stronger woman now and does not let anyone run her life anymore because of what she had to go through in the past. Am I missing something here? Does the positives that I listed mean so much beause of the son and other things that I am being too hard on her for the negatives?

 

 

Please can someone start to talk to me and help me make sense. Cause I love her but dont know what to do. I want to spend my life with her but I cant tell if she wants that too like she says and if so why does she not jump at the moon to look at rings and needs to work up to that?

 

 

Thanks in Advance.

[nymetsfan]

Morning All, Just touching base to see if anyone had any thoughts

[road]

She seems to have baggage from her first marriage and it has changed her and made her guarded and less flexible.

 

 

Second problem is you and her do not have the same values and priorities. Yes you have a good in her company but that is not enough.

 

 

Third problem is you are a Met fan.

 

 

Strike three you're out'a here!

 

 

Time to find a more suitable partner.

[katiegrl]

OP, read up on the five love languages.

 

Your LL and her LL don't jive and are at odds.

 

And please stop bugging her about why she doesn't say "I love you" back sometimes, jeez.

 

As she said, let her *actions* speak to that .....plus sorry but it just sounds whiny, and that is a huge turn off to most women.

 

Sounds like you don't accept her for who she is and want her to change to suit your needs, based on your anxiety and insecurity about the RL.

 

That's not fair IMO.

 

To me this sounds like major incompatability and an inability on your part to understand her nature.

 

I am not suggesting she's an angel here either, but you are the one who's posting, and tbh, you do sound a bit demanding in what you expect from her (sorry).

 

As she told you, she is her own person, unlike any other, so stop trying to transform her into what you want, and how you expect women to be and act.

 

That said, if your needs are not being met to your satisfaction, then end it.

Edited February 28, 2016 by katiegrl

[Eaglescout88]

Hello, thank you for your post. I am sorry that you are in the situation that you are in. I am going to apologize up front as I do not want to offend you, but I do believe that I really need to tell you what is on my heart. As I read this, it was like reading my own situation years ago before I was married! Regarding your current GF, you have wisely probably already made up your mind about her based on your concerns and the fact that you posted on this site. That written, I want to encourage you in another area. What I have come to understand about marriage is that, though most consider it to be merely a contract between a man and a woman, it is more than that. Marriage is a covenant between a man, a woman, and God (without regard to the relationship or lack thereof either has with God). You mentioned that you "married young" and "grew apart", but I have to tell you that this is something that I think too many men lie to themselves and others about. When you made your vows, did you say "until death do us part"? I would encourage you to consider reconnecting with your wife and if she has not remarried, consider making your second marriage to her the "magic" from the engagement to the wedding to the honeymoon. I am praying for you. Kind Regards, Kevin

Edited February 28, 2016 by Eaglescout88
Added "H" missing at the beginning