Did I messed up with someone I care about? Or was everything in my mind?

[bitted]

I will describe a (long) summary of my experience. Every comment will be highly regarded. But I would appreciate specifically comments from persons with similar experience. Nevertheless, I thank you all for your time and effort.

 

I have been living abroad for the last five years. Overall I am not a shy person. I have a large number of friends but only a one-hand-fingers number of close friends here. I have had a number of sexual partners in my life, but only a small number (two) of relatively short commitment-based relationships. I never felt lonely before the events that I will describe, but now I do. I am quite a relaxed person, and I never play games with others. I only go after a girl if I really like her.

 

I met her one year ago in the office. I liked her immediately. She has a long-term, long-distance boyfriend, is sexually inexperienced, and she has given me the impression that she could never act rudely or disrespectfully (many people agree on this). She is also constantly being anxious about something, and finds it really hard to understand other peoples’ incentives. She has been quite oppressed by her environment (conservative parents, etc).

 

A week after our initial meeting, I notice (when we talk) that she has assimilated some of my mannerisms. She seems bored when talking to other colleagues, besides two guys that have attempted to flirt with her at least once, whom when she sees, she seems more interested talking to them than usual. But from what I see, I am the only one with whom she actively tries to be around with, and the only one with whom she laughs. We are spending a lot of time together going for walks around the company building during breaks. Our colleagues think we are having a secret affair. I enjoy her immensely; I am very friendly, but I have never displayed explicitly any emotional interest (I must note though that I am very bad in hiding my feelings, so maybe I have shown her implicitly). I do like her, but she has a boyfriend, and I am seeing someone else (nothing serious though). She asked me out three times, and I agreed but without ever abiding to our agreement. During the next five months, though, I gradually fell in love with her. I did not become infatuated because I knew that she has a boyfriend; I was just feeling incredibly good when I was spending time with her, and I just couldn’t wait to meet her the next day. Two weeks, though, before she leaves the company, I became sally. I strangely began to miss her. In the end, I found an excuse in order to avoid her and saying goodbye. While she was away, it made me feel good to think about her from time to time.

 

Four months ago, she returned. She comes and finds me. I hug her, which catches her by surprise. Everything is as great as before. We go for walks, we laugh all the time, she constantly talks about me in the best possible manner to our colleagues and her friends, she always looks at me when I am around, and she constantly compliments me when I do or say something. She is really anxious with work, and I always try to calm her down.

 

Eventually, I decided to stop seeing the girl I was seeing, because I wanted to ask her out. After a couple of days, though, I hear from someone else that she has been engaged with her long-time boyfriend (she had not told me). When I asked her why, she answered with an ultimatum. This is the moment I became infatuated. (I am sorry. Please don’t hate me).

 

After a couple of days I told her, in all seriousness, 'I love you'. She fixed her eyes on me and kept smiling. I did the same. She didn't stop until I looked down. The next day she was flirting with me. After a couple of days I ask her out. She seemed reserved, and told me to convince her, but I didn’t know what to say. Instead I made a caustic remark (in my usual friendly-teasing way) and left for a couple of minutes. When I returned, she gave me a cold look, and started flirting with someone in front of me. This was our first "negative" interaction. I became ambivalent about her for the next two days, during which I ignored her completely. On the third day, we went with colleagues to a bar, where I caught her talking about me to a close friend of hers (who is "crazy" about me), who later proclaimed that we really match. I asked her out again. She seemed, once more, reserved.

 

The next day I ask her out again for dinner. She seemed reserved once more, but told me me where to find her the next morning. So I met her with some of her friends. Initially she was left out of the conversation. She touched my face and my arm (first time I saw her touching someone). I do the same and I start talking to her. We spend the rest of the morning alone going for a walk. During the next two weeks, we have been flirty and extremely sweet to each other. We went out twice, during which I was quite casual. When we said goodbye on our second ‘date’, I got a very strong vibe that she wanted me to kiss her. I didn't (because I felt that I was about to do something inappropriate). When we saw each other two days later, she was even more sweet and kind to me (laughing at every little thing I said) in front of others. I was a little cold to her due to work-related issues. I saw her looking at me from afar, and, at that time, she seemed a little disappointed. Later, I sent her a message explaining why I was so nervous. She didn’t respond.

 

From this day on my behavior changed completely. The next day I saw her whispering and smiling with the guy I mentioned earlier, and I became really nervous. I really cannot believe that I became so foolishly jealous. Logically thinking, I shouldn’t let something like that affect me (especially considering the circumstances), but for the next week I became a little nervous when I was talking to her, I was texting her to meet me almost daily, and I was going where she would be in order for me to find her. My emotions were constantly fluctuating indiscriminately (because I felt that I had given her mixed signals). Sometimes I was happy, but most of the times I was sad and nervous. I saw that she was shocked when sometimes I was not very sweet to her. After the week, we went on a one-day trip, just the two of us, where she referred to her fiancé on various occasions. I didn’t hide my disappointment but I was, of course, always friendly and respectful.

 

The next two weeks she turned down all my offers to go out, and became distant. I couldn’t speak to her, and I felt really pressured. So, when she went away on a trip, I texted her saying that I constantly think about her (among other casual things). She didn't respond. After a week I called her but she didn't answer. Aggravated as I was, I texted her that I will stop bothering her, and the next day I followed with how I feel about her (I was casual, not angry). First time I do something like that. I wasn't vulgar, but I also didn't try to seem too polite. I was honest.

 

When she returned, a couple of weeks later, she was a different person completely. She started dressing more provocatively, her voice became lower, the way she moves changed, and she began flirting with everyone (at least when I was present). We didn't speak for two days, until a party where she got drunk (she never drinks). She was ironic and bitter when talking to me (e.g. 'why do you care?), whereas she had always been polite or sweet. I asked her about my messages. She seemed uncomfortable and irritated (we were not alone, but others could not hear us). I was a little scared by her change, but I acted casually, as if it is not a big deal, aiming to relax her and convince her that everything is fine, and that we can remain friends. She said something really hurtful and that we cannot be friends anymore. She then told me to stop. I stopped and she immediately left. I soon went home, and I cried.

 

For the next week, she has been avoiding eye contact, or talking, or me (she changes path so that she will not cross me). And for one week now I haven’t been to the office because I really feel terrible (I work from home).

 

I cannot get her out my mind. I really need to sit down and talk calmly like civilized adults. I have never displayed the erratic behavior of the last month. I think about it and I feel like I was on drugs. I truly care about her and I don’t want to lose her. Can I show her that my latest behavior does not describe who I am, without pushing her further apart (probably not immediately, but in the near future)? Or do I seem from what I just described like a not-very-good-person (or a not-very-smart-one) who chases after an engaged woman, that is, on all levels, forever gone? Can things get better or is everything finished with her? What do you think?

 

Experience is always more valuable than logic (which is based on experience). Logically speaking, I know what I should do.

Edited January 28, 2016 by bitted

[Robratory]

I cannot get her out my mind. I really need to sit down and talk calmly like civilized adults. I have never displayed the erratic behavior of the last month. I think about it and I feel like I was on drugs. I truly care about her and I don’t want to lose her. Can I show her that my latest behavior does not describe who I am, without pushing her further apart (probably not immediately, but in the near future)? Or do I seem from what I just described like a not-very-good-person (or a not-very-smart-one) who chases after an engaged woman, that is, on all levels, forever gone? Can things get better or is everything finished with her? What do you think?

 

Please stop kicking yourself. Whatever you did, she also did not engage in honest, authentic dialog. Look, the thing is this -- what you describe is not how people connect. There's a lot of drama in what you tell, and drama is something people use to protect themselves. I would encourage you to put her out of you mind, as hard as that may be, and start looking for someone who will welcome you as enthusiastically as you welcome her.