the spark has started to fizzle out, is this normal

[jerrygordon3]

in the first year she was more cuddly, we had tons of sex, she was more needy and cute and we went on more dates and spent more time being that ridiculous couple that was all over each other constantly.

 

now we run errands together, go to the gym together, and still kiss daily and cuddle at night but.. she has a daughter at home who her mom watches full-time... she's been spending more time at home which is GREAT!! but the time we do spend together she isn't really in the mood, has said that I'm more trying to get laid but she wants more romance... i feel like the love language is off. she isn't cuddly and kissy anymore, we don't go on dates, she doesn't jump my bones, and we don't have cute "moments" anymore. It's like we are just friends that kiss and occasionally have sex... she even talks about her being constipated sometimes or that she's gasy lol and isn't in the mood. I keep bringing up the lack of romance and her being all over me and she gets frustrated because I mention it daily. Im just used to her being way more into me sexually.. i feel like we are in a rut.. Ive never been in a long relationship before so... is this normal? do I need to play hard to get and stop trying to be kissy and stuff?

 

like i am always telling her she is gorgeous and i want her and I've tried to get her in the mood and i almost always get shut down.. but she's always still really cool and sweet. its not like i get the cold shoulder all day... just the passion and romance and fire has definitely subsided... I don't know what to think or expect... IM POSITIVE she isn't cheating or anything.. but obviously I feel like its just me sometimes and it makes me self conscious. we've been dating for a year and a half.

[Robratory]

she isn't really in the mood, has said that I'm more trying to get laid but she wants more romance...

 

I keep bringing up the lack of romance and her being all over me and she gets frustrated because I mention it daily. Im just used to her being way more into me sexually..

 

Are you both mentioning a lack of romance, or do you really mean lack of sex when you say it?

 

She, her mom, and her child live together, and you live alone? The issue may be partly that all your affection is about sex and comes across as just a means to get sex. It may be that she feels that's your only interest.

 

Can you two talk about feelings? Try to find out what she would like more of in the relationship. The spark doesn't have to fizzle out, but relationships need to be kept fresh. You say you don't get the cold shoulder all day long, so why don't you go on dates? I wouldn't play hard to get. Try to communicate better instead. Tell her that you're concerned about the relationship and ask what the real problem is.

[jerrygordon3]

I just am not getting the same amount of sex I'm used to.... when i come onto her she shoots me down most times and it's just less frequent... she isn't as into it. she used to be all over me...we just talked on the phone and i brought it up and she said we can talk when her daughter goes to bed. i told her i don't feel as sexy anymore. she said she really loves me and I am and that she checks me out all the time... but idk... she used to just be so intense about me. was even insecure and always wondering if I was still interested in a future with her. now she isn't pumped about having kids, doesn't say the same insecure stuff to me.. she's just nice, normal, tells me she misses me all the time and that she loves me... just isn't all over me anymore. and again I get shot down for sex. we hooked up a couple days ago.. but agh.. it's just not the same!! I want her to go crazy for me still cause I am such a passionate person. I get my security and stuff from passion and intimacy. I always have. I'm a very touchy person when I love someone. And she isn't as romantic/passionate/sexual with me .

[EmilyJane]

This is normal but also not real great.

 

But also very solvable. Honestly it's a good sign that there are no major relationship problems - no one wants to leave and you love each other enough to be comfortable and to want it to be as good as it can get ie as good as it was during the honeymoon phase.

 

Romance and sex are not the same thing to us at all.

 

And honestly negativity and complaining and nagging are really NOT the way to bring back some of the in love hormones.

 

Create what you want to receive and read up on the five love languages. It sounds like verbal affirmation is not her primary language. If she used to show you her love by touch then touch her a lot - in a non sexual way for at least ten days. Then go out of your way to do things to make her feel loved and admired in some of the other love languages. Remember to do this without expectation and think of it as a long term project. Don't just try one or two things then give up. I would guess that having some of the chores and stress taken of her plate and being bought occasional small gifts and taken out for a date would work on a young mother.

 

Once you work out what makes her feel special to you my bet is you will then get some of what you're missing back

[basil67]

Jerry, you've painted a rosy picture here but a look at your history shows that this relationship is nothing short of a train wreck with abuse, lying, cheating, alcohol issues and breakups.

 

Sex issues don't sit alone - they are always impacted by other issues in the relationship. Though I will say that if she's lacking desire for you, asking her for sex daily is too much

[jerrygordon3]

I'm not trying to get advice on past issues. Honestly I just feel like her libido has died out a lot lately and i get rejected and of course it hurts getting turned down. When she wants me and is all over me.. my confidence soars and I have a lot less anxiety. when she turns me down a lot the opposite. we talked last night very productively and she says I'm being hard on her. she has been really focused on life and her kid and busier, sort of drained, and just hasn't been really into it lately. she's spending the night less and spending more time with her kid... but last night after we talked about the passion thing we spent 1.5 hours on the phone just chatting. she kept saying she wished she was cuddling with me and that she missed me... but again... all the cute normal stuff, just not a lot of alone time/cuddling/ passionate sex stuff. its possible that my focus on this has become apparent and is making her turned off. I'm just the kind of guy that needs it a lot. I want to be able to pick her up and be super passionate and tear her clothes off and not have to feel anxious or awkward about it... I never used to.. now I do!! it sucks.

[Miss Peach]

Has anything changed? Is she in a more stressful job? Did she start BCP? Things like that can mess with my drive. Especially BCP - the longer I took them the more they messed with my sex drive. I searched online and found similar stories.

 

Women are very mental so it could just be a lack of speaking each other's love languages. I highly recommend searching online for that.

[Satu]

From my journal:

 

 

"Being 'In Love' is a time-limited biological event.

 

Love on the other hand, is not time-limited, and can grow and grow over a whole lifetime.

 

Some relationships can progress from being 'in love' to love, but some can't.

 

It depends on what remains after the euphoria has worn off."

[Rejected Rosebud]

I'm not trying to get advice on past issues. Honestly I just feel like her libido has died out a lot lately and i get rejected and of course it hurts getting turned down.

You don't really have to go into the past issues, but things going on in your relationship DO affect your sex life. If there are troubles, they will get in the way. Maybe more for women than men, in general. Not sure about that!

[jerrygordon3]

we are a fit couple- we went to the gym and had a great time and laughed a lot. she was really cuddly today and there were a few times where she was obviously horny and could stop kissing me. it was awesome. She is definitely coming up on her period and she's been really emotional the last few days...nothing I haven't dealt with before, so i guess the issue isn't just me. She's been spending every night with her daughter which she should be doing, but I'm sort of used to her wanting to spend the night a lot. I absolutely support her being a great mom of course, but to add to the problem i live with family and there has been a lot of drama and quite a few times people have made her feel uncomfortable in the house, especially recently. She's pretty much said she doesn't feel comfortable here anymore which totally sucks. I want to move into my own place but at the same time I am also trying to save money and stuff so need to get on my feet first. I absolutely can see myself marrying her and I love her daughter. If there wasn't something really valuable here I wouldn't stay.

[jerrygordon3]

now that she's staying at home with her kid every night. her mom lives there and usually takes care of her kid full-time which has always allowed her the mobility to come over at night, especially when her kid goes to sleep. so now after her kid goes to sleep we talk on the phone every night for over an hour, but she refuses to come over and it frustrates me... I'm like, babe, MJ ( her kid) is asleep, you used to always come over when she went to bed, just come over and stay the night. we both have things to do in the morning anyways and you'll be back home before she even wakes up. and she's like... idk, it's late. ...but we've been on the phone for an hour and she's been asleep this whole time. but no. she doesn't want to come over. she doesn't want to spend the night. she doesn't seem to care about getting alone time with me... jesus is this a test to see if i can handle not having sex and alone time... she says she wants to make it work and she loves me... but i am honestly tired of getting shot down in that department. she's said things like.. you're being too much, or back off about it.."

 

IDK... I'm used to my GF coming over and missing me at night and wanting to be with me at nights. we've been doing THAT for over a year now and suddenly she won't come over all week. I don't want to piss her off or come off as selfish or rude but she just doesn't seem really... focused on us, but focused on her alone time and her kid... where do I draw the line from being a selfish *******, and being in my right to be like WTH, why aren't you trying to spend alone time/the night with me.

[anna121]

we are a fit couple- we went to the gym and had a great time and laughed a lot. she was really cuddly today and there were a few times where she was obviously horny and could stop kissing me. it was awesome. She is definitely coming up on her period and she's been really emotional the last few days...nothing I haven't dealt with before, so i guess the issue isn't just me. She's been spending every night with her daughter which she should be doing, but I'm sort of used to her wanting to spend the night a lot. I absolutely support her being a great mom of course, but to add to the problem i live with family and there has been a lot of drama and quite a few times people have made her feel uncomfortable in the house, especially recently. She's pretty much said she doesn't feel comfortable here anymore which totally sucks. I want to move into my own place but at the same time I am also trying to save money and stuff so need to get on my feet first. I absolutely can see myself marrying her and I love her daughter. If there wasn't something really valuable here I wouldn't stay.

 

You sort of skimmed over the bolded, but for many people this kind of tension would be a deal breaker in terms of staying over. I know that it would make me very reluctant.

[Toodaloo]

Jerry

 

Have you read the 5 languages of love?

 

Sounds to me as though you guys have stopped making time for each other. I think (and I may be wrong) that her love language is Quality Time. This does not include plonking yourselves on the sofa.

 

Plan a few dates, take her out for a meal here and there, surprise her with flowers or a romantic picnic or a walk in the woods etc.

 

What was it you did before that made those moments special that you are missing now? Try and get back to that. Not as much as before but try to keep that up.

 

Good luck!

[jerrygordon3]

we just got off the phone. she asked me to take her on a date tonight.

she seemed like she was setting up the evening to be gone for the night and I got excited and asked if she was coming over after our date and she said. " why does that have to matter? you can't just take me on a date?" I feel like I'm swooning her all over again, which is cool because she is the love of my life.

 

then i asked her to grab a coffee and she is talking about bringing her daughter but we have to act like " just friends"....

 

little history, i got close with her daughter before things got rocky back in august... she stopped letting me see her kid and we broke up in september for two months. since then we've been great but she is being careful and stated just now " before MJ saw you as more than my friend, but now she knows we are just friends"..which begs the question- does she think this isn't a big deal cause we aren't friends? this is a huge deal to me ...

 

its sort of confirmation that things are moving forward. I just love this girl and i guess after the breakup a few months ago Im just struggling to give myself the mental security that she loves me.. so ya... IDK seeing her kid is awesome.