Girlfriend get jealous easily, found out she checks my phone.

[bullitt1017]

Hi all, I'm posting this due to me finding out that she's snooping my phone and possibly my laptop. The headline basically says it. She gets jealous of any female contact that I have.

 

Let me tantalize you with my experiences...

 

First off, I'm working at a hospital. A place that is 90% women. I get messages from my female coworkers regarding work. Things like schedule changes, requests for vacation and on-call checks. Nurse stuff.

 

My girlfriend gets pretty jealous when I receive messages from female coworkers and when I talk about them in passing conversation.

 

Basically I explain what happened to a patient and who helped and tell her my work stories.

 

I don't really do that anymore. It's too stressful, she gets weird and asks me things like "who's that?", "how old is she?" And so on.

 

I live in a nice apartment by myself, my work friend and his sister live in the same complex. My work friend and I have the same type of car and we have space in the garage under the apartment, so does his sister. I'm a car guy, I associate people with their vehicle sometimes. I noticed a different car in his sisters parking space, I said to my girlfriend "Michael's sister must have gotten a new car...?"

 

My girlfriend began to get really weird. "How do you know her car? Have you met her? Have you guys hung out before? That's sketchy..."

 

She basically was trying to make me feel bad for commenting on someone's car.

 

"GIVE ME A BREAK," I'm thinking.

 

My girlfriend hangs out with her friends regularly. Some of which are men from church. 40+ years old men. They go to her friends place and drink and carry on. Now, I don't think anything is going on. I've been there before on many occasions. Men and women.

 

But the hypocrisy is stellar.

 

She has guy friends on snapchat, texting, calling, whatever. Every single day. And it doesn't bother me one bit.

 

But I'm so exhausted with not being able to speak about female coworkers and gym friends who are girl's that it's beginning to really bother me.

 

I don't talk about them in a rude way or imply that I'm flirting or interested. All I'm saying is that "hey, such and such was talking to me at the gym today, she had this funny joke or she got a new car, or whatever."

 

I know I have no reason to feel bad.

 

She also tells me about guys every so often that hit on her as if she needs some sort of validation or something.

 

She has guy friends over at her place with her roommate (a girl) and they drink and have this thing called "Girls night." Where they talk about drama and scandalous stuff from what she says. I've gone a few times to hang out. Personally I think it's their excuse to get **** faced but that's just me.

 

Now as of yesterday, I discovered she has been going through my phone. I dont know how much. I had some texts and snaps on my phone. I didn't check them. When I returned from the bathroom they had all been gone through. I didn't bring it up to her directly. I said out loud "Did I get a snap from Nikki?"

 

Silence...

 

She didn’t even answer.

 

This is a woman I've bought a ring for but haven't proposed to yet. But with these trust developments on her end I'm looking for advise.

 

I haven't done anything to warrant this behavior. She has been this way since day 1 basically. Her last boyfriend was a real piece of work apparently.

 

I've heard of projection and looked into that but I honestly don't know if that would be the case. I'm the type to trust until you break that trust. The phone deal... Idk what to think. We're together all the time I feel like. I have nothing to hide.

 

Where to go from here? Why does she behave like this?

[basil67]

We can only guess why she behaves like this. But I can tell you that she continues the behaviour because you haven't put a stop to it. Thing is, we can't change another person, but we can change the way we deal with the situation.

 

I'd start by having what is apparently a long over due discussion about thing things you need to address. The spying, the hypocritical outlook and the 3rd degree which she gives you.

 

Address them in different ways. The spying is easy - password protect your phone and laptop until you see a significant and long term change in her behaviour. All the questioning about the women you work with and work texts - refuse to indulge her conversations if they become OTT. As for the hypocritical stuff, all you can do is point out that she is hypocritical and see if she makes any changes.

 

I think that tough love is the only answer here

[Redhead14]

Hi all, I'm posting this due to me finding out that she's snooping my phone and possibly my laptop. The headline basically says it. She gets jealous of any female contact that I have.

 

Let me tantalize you with my experiences...

 

First off, I'm working at a hospital. A place that is 90% women. I get messages from my female coworkers regarding work. Things like schedule changes, requests for vacation and on-call checks. Nurse stuff.

 

My girlfriend gets pretty jealous when I receive messages from female coworkers and when I talk about them in passing conversation.

 

Basically I explain what happened to a patient and who helped and tell her my work stories.

 

I don't really do that anymore. It's too stressful, she gets weird and asks me things like "who's that?", "how old is she?" And so on.

 

I live in a nice apartment by myself, my work friend and his sister live in the same complex. My work friend and I have the same type of car and we have space in the garage under the apartment, so does his sister. I'm a car guy, I associate people with their vehicle sometimes. I noticed a different car in his sisters parking space, I said to my girlfriend "Michael's sister must have gotten a new car...?"

 

My girlfriend began to get really weird. "How do you know her car? Have you met her? Have you guys hung out before? That's sketchy..."

 

She basically was trying to make me feel bad for commenting on someone's car.

 

"GIVE ME A BREAK," I'm thinking.

 

My girlfriend hangs out with her friends regularly. Some of which are men from church. 40+ years old men. They go to her friends place and drink and carry on. Now, I don't think anything is going on. I've been there before on many occasions. Men and women.

 

But the hypocrisy is stellar.

 

She has guy friends on snapchat, texting, calling, whatever. Every single day. And it doesn't bother me one bit.

 

But I'm so exhausted with not being able to speak about female coworkers and gym friends who are girl's that it's beginning to really bother me.

 

I don't talk about them in a rude way or imply that I'm flirting or interested. All I'm saying is that "hey, such and such was talking to me at the gym today, she had this funny joke or she got a new car, or whatever."

 

I know I have no reason to feel bad.

 

She also tells me about guys every so often that hit on her as if she needs some sort of validation or something.

 

She has guy friends over at her place with her roommate (a girl) and they drink and have this thing called "Girls night." Where they talk about drama and scandalous stuff from what she says. I've gone a few times to hang out. Personally I think it's their excuse to get **** faced but that's just me.

 

Now as of yesterday, I discovered she has been going through my phone. I dont know how much. I had some texts and snaps on my phone. I didn't check them. When I returned from the bathroom they had all been gone through. I didn't bring it up to her directly. I said out loud "Did I get a snap from Nikki?"

 

Silence...

 

She didn’t even answer.

 

This is a woman I've bought a ring for but haven't proposed to yet. But with these trust developments on her end I'm looking for advise.

 

I haven't done anything to warrant this behavior. She has been this way since day 1 basically. Her last boyfriend was a real piece of work apparently.

 

I've heard of projection and looked into that but I honestly don't know if that would be the case. I'm the type to trust until you break that trust. The phone deal... Idk what to think. We're together all the time I feel like. I have nothing to hide.

 

Where to go from here? Why does she behave like this?

 

She has been this way since day 1 basically. Her last boyfriend was a real piece of work apparently. -- You are paying for the sins of her previous boyfriend(s).

 

You sit her down, you tell her you love her and that you are not her ex-boyfriend(s) and don't deserve to be paying for the things they did to her. Tell her that trust is the foundation of a real relationship and that, while it is apparent that she doesn't trust you and without cause, you will have a difficult time trusting her now.

 

Transparency is also important in a relationship. So, you shouldn't hide or forbid her from looking, but since she has breached your trust by invading your privacy, she will have to earn your trust now and she needs to share her phone/computer activity as well. See how she responds to that . . .

[truth_seeker]

OP, let me tell you... I had a friend who married a divorced woman. Her ex left her for another woman. I told my buddy don't marry this woman. She's been scorned and will misdirect her anger on you. Well, he married her and I haven't heard or seen from him since...

[kendahke]

don't propose to her. Return the ring.

 

This woman has issues and she needs a shrink more than she needs a boyfriend.

 

This mess is never going to end with her. You will never be allowed to have anything that resembles interests apart from what is important to her and her alone.

 

Just don't do this to yourself. You're too young for this level is silliness.

 

Put your foot down. Change the code on your phone and break up with her. She's got massive problems and you're not equipped to deal with them. Let her go find herself and work out her issues on her own. You'll be glad you did.

[truth_seeker]

don't propose to her. Return the ring.

 

This woman has issues and she needs a shrink more than she needs a boyfriend.

 

This mess is never going to end with her. You will never be allowed to have anything that resembles interests apart from what is important to her and her alone.

 

Just don't do this to yourself. You're too young for this level is silliness.

 

Put your foot down. Change the code on your phone and break up with her. She's got massive problems and you're not equipped to deal with them. Let her go find herself and work out her issues on her own. You'll be glad you did.

 

Sound advice, Sensei kendahke

[bullitt1017]

We've been going out for 2+ years now. She says she want to get married and we talk about marriage, kids and our future. And she never brings up her ex (s) often. but I know she was involved with a guy for several years and he was pretty crappy from what she's told me. I don't know where this behavior comes from? I'm confident and I take care of myself and my body. But I've never given her a reason to act this way. She's typically pretty awesome

[kendahke]

sound advice, sensei kendahke

 

ありがとうございます

[kendahke]

We've been going out for 2+ years now. She says she want to get married and we talk about marriage, kids and our future.

 

and I want to be queen regnant of my own country, but that ain't going to happen soon or without a huge army.

 

And she never brings up her ex (s) often. but I know she was involved with a guy for several years and he was pretty crappy from what she's told me. I don't know where this behavior comes from? I'm confident and I take care of myself and my body. But I've never given her a reason to act this way. She's typically pretty awesome

The behavior comes from her not having dealt with and resolved issues from her past relationships and she's brought them into your relationship for you to unpack and deal with. The way she expects you to deal with them is to have absolutely no interest outside of her and what she wants to do. You can't even have a work conversation with female co-workers without her unzipping and letting the lizard loose.

 

It's manipulative behavior and one day, you're going to wake up and find yourself chained to a life you do not want and it's going to cost you 10 lbs of flesh and most of your life savings to get out of. She's already showing you what life with her will be like. Multiply the misery by a factor of 10 for each year going forward.

 

Seriously--you're at a crossroads between the misery you can see coming down the road and a quieter, happier life with a woman who is far more well adjusted than Miss Awesome. At the very least, she needs to be in some intensive therapy for her severe insecurities and uber-controlling nature.

 

If you're cool with giving up your identity in order to have Miss Awesome, then you're the one who will be squandering your youth and time you'll never get back. Just sayin'...

[truth_seeker]

ありがとうございます

 

どういたしまして

 

[truth_seeker]

It's amazing how we can let people screw with our heads and our hearts to the point we'll throw common sense aside and act like fools. I've been the victim of this and looking back can't believe I've let women get under my skin. I guess life lessons to make me stronger and wiser...

[mrs rubble]

She has been this way since day 1 basically. Her last boyfriend was a real piece of work apparently. -- You are paying for the sins of her previous boyfriend(s).

 

You sit her down, you tell her you love her and that you are not her ex-boyfriend(s) and don't deserve to be paying for the things they did to her. Tell her that trust is the foundation of a real relationship and that, while it is apparent that she doesn't trust you and without cause, you will have a difficult time trusting her now.

 

Transparency is also important in a relationship. So, you shouldn't hide or forbid her from looking, but since she has breached your trust by invading your privacy, she will have to earn your trust now and she needs to share her phone/computer activity as well. See how she responds to that . . .

 

Excellent advice.

Use it OP, relationships shouldn't be just chucked away without even trying to address the issue.

[bullitt1017]

It's amazing how we can let people screw with our heads and our hearts to the point we'll throw common sense aside and act like fools. I've been the victim of this and looking back can't believe I've let women get under my skin. I guess life lessons to make me stronger and wiser...

 

At this point everything is on hold for me. I'm just trying to figure out what to do next. Speaking with her is easier said than done. What do you suggest?

[Redhead14]

Excellent advice.

Use it OP, relationships shouldn't be just chucked away without even trying to address the issue.

 

This relationship is at the point where the word Commitment gets "tested". He was intending to propose to her even though she's "been this way since day 1". A long-term,pre-engagement point relationship that experiences a difficulty is to be worked on to see if this situation can be resolved. It will demonstrate whether they can manage issues that arise when they are married. Once you commit to something, you are committed to working through things. They need to make an attempt. Now is the time where the rubber should meet the road.

[Zippy2000]

But I'm so exhausted with not being able to speak about female coworkers and gym friends who are girl's that it's beginning to really bother me.?

 

Ive not read the other posts as Im at work but I noticed this part from your post. Is it not because your not open enough and since stopped talking. Shes now thinking something is wrong so shes suspicious.

 

Youre two different people. She is an anxious insecure type while you are more secure.

 

Maybe shes lacking in trust but since you havent spoken much about whats been going on shes beginningto dig around for information.

[PegNosePete]

"GIVE ME A BREAK," I'm thinking.

Shoulda said that out loud. Bottling up your frustrations is not a good strategy. She is not a mind reader. She now thinks you're perfectly OK with her crappy behaviour.

 

Speaking with her is easier said than done. What do you suggest?

Well, without good communication, any relationship is doomed to failure.

 

If you can't talk to her about it then the relationship has no future, might as well bail now than drag it out any longer.

 

If you do manage to talk to her about it then you need to tell her that her jealousy and insecurity is NOT OK any longer.

[Httm]

Why is it easier said thn done to have an open and honest conversation with someone you are considering spending the rest of your life with? Why wasn't this dealt with within the first month or two? Is this really the way you want to live?

[truth_seeker]

At this point everything is on hold for me. I'm just trying to figure out what to do next. Speaking with her is easier said than done. What do you suggest?

 

I just don't see her changing. There's going to be severe ups and downs with this girl. Can you handle the roller coaster ride?

 

Personally, I would bail. I wouldn't like the feeling knowing at any moment she could explode. Would you?

[kendahke]

At this point everything is on hold for me. I'm just trying to figure out what to do next. Speaking with her is easier said than done. What do you suggest?

 

Expect a fight. Expect an argument. Expect her to paint you as totally the bad person for bringing up the fact that her behavior is intolerable. Expect her to expect you to give her exactly what she's asking for without her giving up an inch of what she should be doing.

 

If this has been going on since day 1 with her, you've let her know you're cool with her treating you like this, so why should she change? Why in the world should she upset what she's doing when she's getting her way? If she REALLY cared about you, she'd have far more awareness of how her actions impact you than she apparently does. That doesn't seem to be happening.

 

I don't believe in giving chances to someone who from day 1 has set out on a course of behavior that is damaging to me, my self worth or my personal happiness and not once have they stopped themselves and said "oh, wow, if I was on the receiving end of this, I'd have walked away I need to change my tack and quick". Life is far too short for that BS. I certainly would not reward their behavior by proposing marriage to them or begetting children with them because after you give her all these things she wants, what will be next that she wants? She's not satisfied with you or what you're giving her now--she thinks her happiness lies in you binding your life to her and being legally bound in a contract that will gut you to get out of when you finally reach your saturation point.

 

If talking worked with her, you'd have done that a long, long time ago. Might as well talk to the wall--it'll do far more good.

 

My suggestion is to break up with her, strongly suggest she get into therapy for her issues that she had not resolved before she got with you and dont' consider getting back with her until a good amount of time has passed with her in said therapy--and I"m talking at least a year. Her issues aren't going to be resolved in 3 visits.

 

People who check your phone do not trust you. If you've never given her any reason to distrust you, you have to wonder why is she with someone she can't trust? Why does she want to marry someone she can't trust? Do you not see how this behavior esteems you? She has decided you're a liar and therefore she can't trust you and has to check your phone to prove that she's right.

Edited January 27, 2016 by kendahke

[bullitt1017]

Expect a fight. Expect an argument. Expect her to paint you as totally the bad person for bringing up the fact that her behavior is intolerable. Expect her to expect you to give her exactly what she's asking for without her giving up an inch of what she should be doing.

 

If this has been going on since day 1 with her, you've let her know you're cool with her treating you like this, so why should she change? Why in the world should she upset what she's doing when she's getting her way? If she REALLY cared about you, she'd have far more awareness of how her actions impact you than she apparently does. That doesn't seem to be happening.

 

I don't believe in giving chances to someone who from day 1 has set out on a course of behavior that is damaging to me, my self worth or my personal happiness and not once have they stopped themselves and said "oh, wow, if I was on the receiving end of this, I'd have walked away I need to change my tack and quick". Life is far too short for that BS. I certainly would not reward their behavior by proposing marriage to them or begetting children with them because after you give her all these things she wants, what will be next that she wants? She's not satisfied with you or what you're giving her now--she thinks her happiness lies in you binding your life to her and being legally bound in a contract that will gut you to get out of when you finally reach your saturation point.

 

If talking worked with her, you'd have done that a long, long time ago. Might as well talk to the wall--it'll do far more good.

 

My suggestion is to break up with her, strongly suggest she get into therapy for her issues that she had not resolved before she got with you and dont' consider getting back with her until a good amount of time has passed with her in said therapy--and I"m talking at least a year. Her issues aren't going to be resolved in 3 visits.

 

People who check your phone do not trust you. If you've never given her any reason to distrust you, you have to wonder why is she with someone she can't trust? Why does she want to marry someone she can't trust? Do you not see how this behavior esteems you? She has decided you're a liar and therefore she can't trust you and has to check your phone to prove that she's right.

 

[quote=kendahke;6752721

If talking worked with her, you'd have done that a long, long time ago. Might as well talk to the wall--it'll do far more good.

 

My suggestion is to break up with her, strongly suggest she get into therapy for her issues that she had not resolved before she got with you and dont' consider getting back with her until a good amount of time has passed with her in said therapy--and I"m talking at least a year. Her issues aren't going to be resolved in 3 vis

People who check your phone do not trust you. If you've never given her any reason to distrust you, you have to wonder why is she with someone she can't trust? Why does she want to marry someone she can't trust? Do you not see how this behavior esteems you? She has decided you're a liar and therefore she can't trust you and has to check your phone to prove that she's right.

 

I have been wondering this myself. That's why I haven't proposed yet. This needs to get sorted out before I go to that next step. I'll be honest, when I get messages from my friends who are girls I delete them because anytime I text someone and she sees me texting she wants to know who it is. It causes me a lot of anxiety when I shouldn't feel that way. Hell, typically the messages are invites to get food with a group or a simple hello/whats up. She seems to get concerned when I'm texting around her. SHE ALWAYS ASKS.

 

I have friends who are girls and they're very good looking. Doesn't mean I'm going to write them off because of my girlfriends behavior. She hung out with a few friends, 2 guys and her roommate last week and I didn't say a damn thing because honestly it doesn't bother me. But if I did that... Oh boy...

[xcupid]

She has trust issues. Why is that?

[bullitt1017]

She has trust issues. Why is that?

 

 

If I knew why I'd tell you. But honestly I can't pinpoint exactly where it comes from. I can't say it's because of a previous relationship because honestly I don't know. Even though there are people on this thread who think that might be where the issues come from. It's really astounding to me how she can have male friends and be so open to hang out with them but I get flack whenever I bring up a work friend.

[Lorenza]

Coming from a girl who used to be very jealous and controlling - she won't change until she'll learn a lesson that her behavior is destructive and gonna have consequences. Also, at least a year of good therapy is needed, but I'm pretty sure she needs to go through that herself. It's her personal journey.

I think that there is no way for her to change while you're by her side. You will always enable her, because you have already tolerated and forgave her behavior before. As long as you're there, forgiving and understanding, old habits will take over. Now I'm not saying she is malicious, not at all, but in her brain have already made an association "boyfriend = ok to let jealousy take over". If you want to help her, you need to step back. At least for some time, so that she clearly realized she's gonna lose you and needs to take action.

The only way I was able to get out of my jealous circle, was to break up with my old boyfriend, who, though very unhappy, tolerated my destructiveness until a point when he started looking for ways to run away, but still kept me as girlfriend and I couldn't snap out of my state of mind. I'm still a bit of a jealous girl but boy do I keep it under control, cause I already experienced what it leads to: relationship getting cold -> being unhappy -> needing to lose someone who's precious to you -> long healing process. Going through all that really helps to change your ways.

Anyway, just my opinion based on personal experience.

[Lorenza]

If I knew why I'd tell you. But honestly I can't pinpoint exactly where it comes from. I can't say it's because of a previous relationship because honestly I don't know. Even though there are people on this thread who think that might be where the issues come from. It's really astounding to me how she can have male friends and be so open to hang out with them but I get flack whenever I bring up a work friend.

 

Has her dad cheated on her mom? Are her parents divorced?

[bullitt1017]

Has her dad cheated on her mom? Are her parents divorced?

 

No to both. However, there was a lot of turmoil in her family. Apparently her brother was at times pretty awful (pointing gun at her) and he was involved with drugs and drinking, DUI accident. He's turned around 180 and has his crap together. Her mom favored her brother. Her mom and dad almost lost their house due to fallout from her brothers behavior. Her parents were depressed, almost lost jobs. She left home in Highschool and lived in her car for a few weeks. Moved back. Left for college. That's basically it.