Mixed signals early on - Hot & Cold

[idk0913]

Hey guys,

 

First time poster. I wasn't sure where to turn for advice like this in terms of unbiased parties, so hopefully you can help me out.

 

Here's the deal: I recently met this awesome girl. I'm 25 and she's turning 22 in a few months. Definitely the biggest age gap of someone I've ever dated, but it hasn't been a big deal as she does seem more mature than her age.

 

I've been single for about 6 months after a 2.5 year relationship in which I lived with that person for over a year. She's been single for about a year after a 5 year relationship, so we're in somewhat similar situations.

 

When we met, I wasn't looking for a relationship by any means. I've enjoyed being by myself and not having to worry about answering to anyone else. If anything, I was looking for casual "fun", if you know what I mean, when we met about 3 weeks ago.

 

(The casual dating/hook up scene really isn't my style, but all of my friends have been telling me it'd be good for myself to get out there and have some fun.)

 

Anyways, we ended up going on our first date about 2 weeks ago and it was awesome. At the end of the evening, it was clear that we both really liked each other and had a connection.

 

She had told me (before I said anything to her) that casual dating wasn't really her style and that she had a fling for a few months when she was recently single. It wasn't for her, or so she said.

 

Well, over the past two weeks we've gone on more dates and hung out a lot. Things were progressing, but I didn't feel it was moving too fast.

 

On Friday, we went out with her friends and again had a great time. This was also the first time she really showed affection in public and we acted like an item, if you will. She was always grabbing my hand, bringing me close and kissing me throughout the night.

 

I ended up sleeping over for the first time that night and we had sex for the first time. Nothing felt wrong, I thought everything went well and she fell asleep in my arms.

 

I was really happy, to say the least. It felt like we really liked each other and this was turning into something tangible and real.

 

However, it was like a switch went off when we woke up the next morning. It just felt different and almost like nothing from last night actually happened - mind you, we weren't heavily intoxicated or anything like that. Sure, we had drinks but we both were very aware of everything around us.

 

Anyways, we had talked about having a date night on Saturday before the weekend, but when I asked her about it before I left her place that morning, all she said was "we'll see" and that she was thinking she wanted to go out again. Meaning with friends.

 

That was fine with me as I understand space is good and I'm not possessive or anything like that. However, when you combine it with the fact that she was definitely acting differently and then she hardly texted me at all throughout the entire day yesterday, and I can't help but feel like something has happened and maybe she's pulling away.

 

Around the early evening, I texted her that I was going out with some friends if she wanted to join us. She would later respond that she was at the fair with her friends but she appreciated the invite. Again, I don't have issues with her doing her own thing but the fact that her behavior has been completely different than what she has shown over the last 2 or 3 weeks is really messing with my head.

 

Until yesterday, she's been very warm, always texting and wanting to hang out. Now she feels distant and cold. She still hasn't answered a text message I sent her last night, and until now she had always texted me good morning and initiated the conversation.

 

Now, I know this has only been going on for a couple of days and our entire dating "thing" has only encompassed 2 or three weeks. So I'm not really considering bringing anything up yet.

 

However, if it does continue, how should I bring it up/what should I say? Or should I not say anything at all and let her pull away if that's what is really happening?

 

This is why I hate dating. I'm a very straight forward person and I wish people would just be honest with what they wanted or what they were feeling. It'd make it a hell of a lot easier, that's for sure.

[smudge21]

Let me tell you, I'm sure everyone on here would love a bit more open honesty when it comes to dating, especially in those early days. Your story reminded me of a friend who became something more after a first night out. We'd known each other for over a month or two and become friends but neither of us wanted to start dating again, so that was fine. A night out happens and we end up getting close but come the morning, that switch and suddenly I'm more distant to her than I was when we first met. I know I did nothing wrong so I feel some people just have walls up, especially those out of long relationships. They say they don't want anything but then end up getting close to someone. Come the following day, all that scary stuff, the fear and doubt creep back in, not from the person they just met, but from their past. They feel, maybe, that by getting close to someone, they're also getting close to getting hurt again... so they step back, hide behind their wall. Sadly, there's not a lot you can do in that situation. You can ask her about it, talk to her, be honest, but if she's got concerns based on her past, then it will be for her to sort out. You can only fix those who want to be fixed. At least by talking to her honestly, then your mind will be clear that you did all you could. As much as you may want someone, as much as you feel that things are going perfect, there's still another human being there who has their own mind. I talked to my friend and she opened up a bit but nothing happened after that time sadly.

[mrldii]

Her feelings for you may have changed OR she may be distancing herself from you as a self-defense mechanism because, after all, the last thing you put on the table is you're not ready for a relationship.

 

It reads like your feelings have changed - at least with this girl. You should probably find a way to arrange a face-to-face way of discussing this. Know that by doing this, it will *force the issue* and clear up any misunderstandings (which is a good thing); unfortunately, by doing this, you also run the risk of *forcing the issue* and having her tell you that her feelings for you have changed, also...and she's no longer interested in an exclusive relationship...with you.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...I hope it turns out the way you'd like it to.

[idk0913]

Her feelings for you may have changed OR she may be distancing herself from you as a self-defense mechanism because, after all, the last thing you put on the table is you're not ready for a relationship.

 

It reads like your feelings have changed - at least with this girl. You should probably find a way to arrange a face-to-face way of discussing this. Know that by doing this, it will *force the issue* and clear up any misunderstandings (which is a good thing); unfortunately, by doing this, you also run the risk of *forcing the issue* and having her tell you that her feelings for you have changed, also...and she's no longer interested in an exclusive relationship...with you.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...I hope it turns out the way you'd like it to.

 

Thank you!

 

So you believe that she may be hesitant to allow herself to get too close because she doesn't think I'm looking for a relationship?

[mrldii]

Thank you!

 

So you believe that she may be hesitant to allow herself to get too close because she doesn't think I'm looking for a relationship?

 

 

That is a possibility.

 

Another possibility is that - like you - her feelings about being in a relationship [with you] have changed.

 

 

It's a gamble, OP...but, the only way you're ever going to know for sure, is to confront it, face-to-face.

[idk0913]

Well, we are going to dinner tonight. However, instead of me picking her up as I usually do, she insists on meeting somewhere in the middle so that I don't have to drive so far. We live about 20-25 minutes apart.

 

I know I shouldn't read into it, especially since it's a Sunday night and we both have work tomorrow, but it's hard not to after the past couple of days.

 

As far as dinner goes, should I plan on bringing anything up? Or should I just see what the vibe is and take it from there?

[Robratory]

This is why I hate dating. I'm a very straight forward person and I wish people would just be honest with what they wanted or what they were feeling. It'd make it a hell of a lot easier, that's for sure.

 

I know how you feel, but the fact is that people are more conflict-averse than they are honest. Compound that with a general immaturity plus who knows what neuroses, and you got a hot mess on your hands. In view of this, all you can do is talk and ask what's going on. If you don't get a straight answer, then all you can do is walk away. You can't fix tormented.

 

It will make you feel better, however, if on your way out, you express without drama that they behaved poorly and that you didn't deserve it. Getting that off your chest will make you feel better, and it's really the only constructive thing you can do. Most other reactions will get you labeled a jerk and the blame will swing in your direction. This way, she's established as the bad guy, and maybe that will shake her up enough to enable change, but whatever... it's no longer your problem.

[idk0913]

I guess my biggest fear in bringing it up is the possibility of the entire thing being a product of me overanalyzing things. And I don't want her to think I'm desperate/clingy/insecure if I bring up this topic and there's nothing to it besides my over reactions.

 

I do like her a lot, like a lot a lot so that could be playing a factor in me overthinking things if that's the case.

[KatZee]

This is super common behavior, from both sides.

 

Everything was great, you had sex, boom. 180.

 

I've had guys pull the exact same thing with me.

 

From a guy's side, they were most likely just after that one thing, going from looking like it was something tangible to completely ice cold.

 

From a girl's side, sex was probably wack.

 

I know, not exactly what you want to hear, but maybe something didn't click for her after having sex with you.

 

And no, don't bring anything up. You're going to look needy, clingy, and insecure. Let her bounce back on her own. If she's into you, she'll come back around. If not, she realized she wasn't that into you.

[idk0913]

I feel as though a mountain has been lifted off my shoulders. I wouldn't say dinner went perfectly, but it was about as close as it gets considering the scenario.

 

SHE actually brought it up, and here's what she was feeling.

 

First off, she made it a point to say several times that I've done nothing wrong, she regrets nothing we've done and that she really likes me and really enjoys spending time with me.

 

However, she got scared because the only person she's ever opened up this much to both verbally and emotionally was her ex, who she dated for 5 years as I said before. She said she felt she was moving too fast and that because it's been so long and she hasn't spent time with someone like me, that she didn't know how to act or what pace to keep.

 

She thanked me for never pressuring her for anything. (It was actually she who initiated and verbally asked for the sex on Friday)

 

So, long story short, she said she just wants to take a step back and slow things down so that we don't mess anything up. I told her I would understand if she wanted to cut things off altogether, but she said she didn't want that at all and she wants to keep getting to know each other and see where this goes.

 

Now, while I'm so very relieved, I am a little nervous about navigating these murky waters of a "relationship" in which you've had to take a step back. I've told her I'm going to need her to give me ideas/signs of when she wants to see me, because I don't want to be overaggressive and I want to make sure she's comfortable throughout all of this.

 

Any tips or advice on handling situations like this to make sure she's comfortable would be greatly appreciated. I really like this girl and I don't want to mess anything up!