Analyze This...And this...And this... (really long, folks)

[ashesnobody]

Hrm. This really isn't a question... More like an analysis. Yeah.

 

I'm fifteen years old and I'm "dating," "going out," "smoochin'" a fellow freshman. I've known him (let's call him...Boyo) since the seventh grade. Well, I didn't <i>really</i> know him - he was a Weird Dorky Band Geek that sometimes walked up to me/followed me around and said, "Hey! I have that Strong Bad hoodie!" Then again last year (eighth grade) he would do that again but say he lost his and asked if I had found mine somewhere... Anyway - he was a weird guy and it's sort of hard to imagine that I'm dating him. He's the most amazing guy/boy/<u>man</u> (choose one) I've ever met. I've had no real trust in the Male Subspecies since, uh, a pedophile touched me when I was younger.

 

I started talking to this...boy when I put a poster of my online zine on my locker. I put my email address on there and expected rants/articles from people. Boyo put himself under a pseudonyme - Pogo Stick. I fell head over heels through his writing and we flirted (sort of...if you can call it that) via e-mail - even while I was dating this real jacka** of a guy named...Pudgy...who continually tried to change me into something I was not - a dance-happy bimbo. Why I didn't dump his a** and go after this mysterious Pogo, I don't know. Could be that I didn't know who <i>he</i> was yet.

 

Time went by and I finally dumped Pudgy's arse. Sometime before then Pogo revealed his identity (well, I guessed through subtle hints) and we started the "passin' of notes" to each other during the only class we had together - English. He's a weird kid, I'll admit. He's the type of guy (correction - he fits in <i>no</i> category, whatsoever) that jumps out of nowhere and says something completely "random." And he can't change his voice into anything. Ever hear of Salad Fingers? Boyo can do a perfect impression of that. <i>Perfect</i>.

 

Before Pogo revealed his identity, he told me that he "observed [me] from afar." Amazingly, that didn't freak me out. It actually made me feel sort of... Noticed? Wanted? Woopy-Doody? Eh, I don't know - but I felt sort of sexy, alright? Can't explain. That's just how it was - is. Gee, I hope I didn't make him sound like a real creep of a guy... He's actually a real sweety - and I'll get to that.

 

After we wasted loads of paper writing strange notes to each other I finally got up the courage to ask him to a school productions of Dracula and Frankenstein - he had went the night before so he suggested a movie. Sponge Bob. Oh baby, oh baby.

 

Through the whole movie he acted his usual...<i>strange</i> self (which I find uncontrollably sexy now - fifteen year olds...sexy? I must sound really immature, I apologize). Heh, my good friend, Pudgy, was there (his "dad" works security) and Boyo said he'd get some arsenic, the next time we see him, and put some in his milk. Joking, of course. Ha-ha. Anyway - We went into the movie and basically talked basically the whole time. But there was definitely that grand Flirtatious stuff. In one point of the movie Patrick Starr is in fishnets and stiletto heels, and I did that classy Bugs Bunny whistle - Boyo, next to me, wearing my shoes that he stole off my feet (odd type of flirting, right? but I was wearing his, too, of course - big feet, man), and he said something along the lines of "What? You're cheating on me?" I suppose that's what got me definitely to thinking that this was more than a friendly outing to him, as well - I was hoping for that. But it's sort of hard for me to think that a guy can actually like <i>me</i>? I am certainly not attractive, and my personality is definitely lacking. Oh, but I'm oh-so optimisic, right?

 

So there was a second date (he gave me his Strong Bad beanie for my birthday!), a third date, and so on and so on. He then invited me to his house. First went to his dad's house. We went on a walk around the 'hood, had a snowball fight ...he did some...suggestive things while we were out. Such as when I bent over to get a snowball he stood behind me and said, "This leaves you in a very vulnerable position, [real name withdrawn]." (We like using "big words" - confuses the masses.) We laughed - ya-da, ya-da, ya-da. Went back to his dad's house and we sat on the side of the house, behind the bushes - and he put his hand on my knee. That was the first time a guy ever did that (Pudgy did <i>nothing</i> - we hung out two times in our whole month of a "relationship" - if you could call it that - even if it's "the first").

 

Then we left for his mom's house where I sat on his lap and he held me in his room - in the basement - secluded. Wooo. Go Ashes, go Ashes... I felt a lot more comfortable with him after this. The thing I noticed was that he held me like he didn't want to let go. I feel/felt so loved...

 

I kept going to his house (mainly his mother's with the room in the basement [wink, wink]) over around a month. At least once a week - sometimes thrice. At school he gave me <i>love letters</i> twice! It was/is the most amazing feeling I've ever had in my life (so far, I suppose)!

 

Once, when I was in his room with him, he was holding me in his room's recliner (like usual) in the glow of the black light that I bought him for Christmas. His mom called from upstairs for dinner, I slowly got up off of him, walked over silently to turn off the black light... When I turned around, he was there. I saw him glance at my lips, but he just gave me a big hug instead... In an e-mail, sometime after he dropped me off at my house, he said he almost kissed me... [sighs]

 

Hope that wasn't too cheesy/sappy/goo-goo... Heh.

 

This is too long. I'll post another after this.

 

Ashes (to be continued...)

[ashesnobody]

Okay, let's get to the Christmas he gave me - hehe - a Queen's Greatest Hits and Stephen King's Bag of Bones (which includes a character with the same REAL name as me - and spelled correctly, too!). It was next sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me (no ****e, either, folks). For his birthday I got him these weird banana and camo pajama pants...and a They Might Be Giant's "Flood" CD. And a cool keychain/wand thingy...Yeah. Romantic, no? Heh...We've only been together for roughly two months and we've pretty much showered each other with gifts. Heh.

 

Alrighy then. First kiss time. In his basement-bedroom! We were fooling around - tickling on his bed, maybe? I can't really remember - I was so happy afterwards the night was pretty much a blur. Anyway, we were on his bed playing around. Nothing dirty, mind you. He's a good Christian boy, and at the time I was quite the little Wiccan - gah, so? We started going under the blankets and such - wrestling, ticking, whatever and then his mom calls down. Wooo... We jumped up off the bed pretty quickly. (We have this reflex thing set...so his mom doesn't see anything...suspicious.) I turned to go up stairs, but he says my name... And he's standing up with the opened slumber bag on top of his head in the dark. I come over and we're both under it... I couldn't see anything. He lightly touches my nose... "Okay, that's your nose." Then my chin... "There's your chin..." And then I remember thinking - "Oh, okay. There's a tongue on my lips." Holy ****e, there's a tongue on my lips?! I didn't see it coming - so much for being oh-so smart, eh? I felt bad because I didn't really...kiss back... It was over WAY too quickly. ****e. So we ran upstairs giggling like crazy.

 

It seems that month I was living in a dream-like state.

 

Alright, here's the bad thing that I really - sort of? - need advice on...Well, coming soon... I need to explain a bit.

 

I was at his house (again) and we're about to watch the Blair Witch Project with his mom. Right before the movie begins, Boyo's mom gets a phone call. She starts crying... I looked to Boyo, and him to me and we both get up to go to her (his mom and I are on pretty good terms). Her father/Boyo's grandfather had just died. I suddenly felt an enormous amount of guilt for being there. We're all sitting on the kitchen floor... His mom is crying. Boyo is comforting her. And I feel so akward being there and on the verge of tears, myself. Right then, seeing Boyo like that - much unlike the Crazy Boy I knew - I decided I freakin' loved him. Really freakin' loved him. And I came to a conclusion that I thought he was beautiful. His mom needed to get his little sister from their grandmother's house, so Boyo made me and him dinner and watched the Blair Witch to take our minds off things... He then asked me the Questions: "Will you ever be Christian again? Do you believe in Heaven?" Gah, I felt so stupid. What the hell was I supposed to say? I told that I possibly would, and that I believe in reincarnation... The the HELL is wrong with me? That was the dumbest thing to say. GAH.

 

I was Wiccan then, but now I'm nothing. Just an empty shell of a person with no organized beliefs to lay my head on. Nothing to really look forward to. I honestly don't believe in an eternal bliss such as the after-life... And if there is... Then I don't want to think about it NOW. I want to live with out having to worrying about what I do is going to get me Where or Where someday. That's just me. That's just how I think.

 

I really hope I didn't offend him. But after that... I didn't see him personally for three weeks... We went to see a bad movie (Darkness) and he didn't seem himself. He didn't want to hold my hand like he used to, he didn't want to sit in the back seat with me and ... touch me in that way, he didn't really talk.

 

Then, maybe a week or more later, my friend goes up to him and bitches at him about how he doesn't care about me. Ooh, I was angry - but not at him. Never at him. I cut that relationship with that friend - she was using it for her own reasons, not mine (she had a ickle crush on Boyo AND me - seriously). Boyo e-mailed me after school that day and it made no real sense to me...:

 

"This is hard for me to do.

 

"I'm feeling that my religion is being interfered with by the choices I have made in the past few days. I wish neither to share nor discuss them with you; it's upsetting.

 

"I still want to be in contact with you, by whatever means nessescary. I'm making the observation at this time that you've got a lot on your plate, and I'm adding to your troubles. Your friends, from what I've heard, continue to lecture you about me. My impression is that it's sheer paranoia, and yet, everyone's entitled to their own opinion. Your friend, [ex-friend], as she is affectionately known, both disurbs and troubles me.

 

"I've just read your LiveJournal entry for today. I'd like you to know that I am a friend, yes. A friend who came along in mid-December of last year. But, how long have you been with your friends? I think that you should set your anger aside as I have learned to do, and talk with them. Perhaps we should both talk with them, no? Perhaps a movie with all of them? Hrm?

 

"I'm getting tired of this, as well. When your friend [ex-friend] approached me about you today, my first and instant reaction was anger. And yet, I was able to override it; I didn't tell her to **** off, like most of me wanted to. I've found it true in my life that anger can either be your most devestating emotion or your most powerful weapon; it's up to you to use it in what way seems best.

 

"Hey, I just invented a metaphor.

 

"I'll be going over to my Dad's for the weekend, and we're going to be busy for most of the time. The only way you can contact me is through my cell phone, which I'll have with me when I go over there.

 

"Don't be angry.

 

"[boyo]"

 

I e-mailed him back, but I didn't get any real response... I don't know, Maybe you can analyze it?

 

But I suppose that doesn't matter since we're okay now... I think.

 

I invited him to my stepmom's very cool job - a filmmaking place (Boyo is the Film Geek, too - just like me.) We went and when we were riding back to his house to drop him off he was holding my hand and touching me that way I wanted him to.

 

He is in no way using me for his own sexual gratification. He makes sure I want him to touch me that way before he does so. Just so I don't get any snarky comments, you know?

 

He invited me inside to "show [me] [his] new TV." It looked like he wanted to kiss me, but he didn't. He gave me a huge hug again... I love those. :-) He asked my stepmom if I could come over in two days, and I did. We stayed in his room watching Comedy Central. He was holding me tight like he didn't want to let go again. So I'm guessing everything's okay now?

 

Heh, if you need anymore information, just ask. But I think I just told the main parts of our two month trysts together... Heehee. I seriously have never been so happy before, but I suppose my paranoia keeps me down at a certain level. I just don't see anything really interesting about me. Like I said before - I'm not beautiful... If anything I'm a "fat-bottomed girl." I keep looking on Ask.com to see how to make someone love you more... However naive it may be. Hey, I'm just a teenager - I should be allowed to be a little immature time-to-time, eh?

 

Hope I didn't bore the hell out of the most of you. :-)

Probably did - Sorry. :-(

Ashes

[JoL]

All i can say is WOW! I wish my boyfriend from when I was 15 treated me that well...or talked to me like that!! (I'm 22 now)..I'm almost jealous! hehe

 

It sounds to me like you have a strong bond with this young man. You seem to be on the same wavelength and share a lot of common interests, which is very important in a relationship, obviously!

 

Did you ever get to the bottom of why he was acting strange for those few weeks? Do you think he was perhaps grieving over his grandfather and felt a strong desire to reflect on his faith? I'm not Christian, but I have friends who are- and when they come face to face with traumatic or upsetting situations, their faith becomes extremely central to their grieving process. Perhaps you being a Wiccan and removing yourself from Christianity was a bit confronting for him at the time, as he had just lost a family member...I'm not sure..there is only one way to find out! Ask him!

 

Now, can I clarify something here, when you say "touching"..do you mean sexually? I got the sense you don't exactly sit around making out all day, but when you say touching "in that way" I got the impression that perhaps you two were fooling around "in that way"...?

 

You seem very intelligent and articulate for someone who is 15, and the way you have described your boyfriend, he is seems the same. It is a confusing time, TRUST me! You will find that teenage boys won't always be able to explain their emotions or needs very clearly. Even when upset, confused or questioning things. They may act aloof and uninterested one day, and be all over you the next.

If things upset you, you need to demand answers (in a nice way!) from him..don't just accept his coldness and let him ignore you. You will regret not confronting the issue and making him act like a man (even though he is only 15!!)

 

 

Things sound like they are normal again..like I said...it sounds like he was grieving and perhaps just needed some down-time. If he acts like this in the future, I would suggest having a gentle talk with him and tell him you just want to know he is ok and that you want to be with him- but not if he is going to push you away.

You deserve to know why someone isn't talking you or acting aloof.

But other than that, it seems like you have a good head on your shoulders, take it slow and just enjoy having fun together!

[JoL]

..also I forgot to add..you are probably more beautiful, interesting and smart than you realise!

If this young man loves to spend time with you and be with you..why would you WANT to change? he is with you isn't he?

We all have our insecurities..believe me! Even the preetiest girls don't think they are pretty..the most interesting people feel a bit dull at times too.

You sound WAY more interesting and loving that most people I know!

Chin up! You have a good thing here, don't over-analyse it!