Not sure where to go from here...

[MightyQuinn]

I left my husband about a 13 months ago, divorce was final about 9 months ago. I've been dating New Guy for about 6 months.

 

New Guy had been single for about 18 months when we met. His previous girlfriend did a real number on him, he had a serious bout of depression that shook him to the core. But by the time we met, he had been dipping his toes out in the dating pool.

 

I had my reservations about entering this relationship because I had so recently divorced, but the intellectual/emotional chemistry was off the charts. Then we discovered the physical chemistry was insane, too.

 

Then about 2 months in, we had a serious conversation about what we want for our futures and there was a horrible miscommunication. He thought that I never wanted to have kids, which is NOT the case. We both want kids within the next 3-4 years.

 

Though the miscommunication was smoothed over, everything was straightened out, it's like that experience has scared him. He was so vulnerable and open with me, and he still is in many ways intellectually and emotionally. But ever since that conversation, we haven't had sex, he doesn't want me to touch him sexually. It's like a level of intimacy that is beyond him now. He just shuts down.

 

It's been OK to me for the time being, because I was still working through some of my baggage from the previous relationship. I was actually relieved sex was off the table. I know from personal experience that sex can give the illusion of a level of intimacy that isn't there. Without sex, I could tell the level of connection between us really exists and know it's not just sex hormones pulling us together.

 

I can't remember ever having felt this deeply for someone before. I didn't even know it was possible to be as radically honest and open, completely myself with someone, without any sort of mask. And I feel like I've found a level of understanding that I don't even have with my best friend of 15 years. He has said that he feels very similarly, that we have a rapport that is different from anything he has experienced, too, and that we just "get" each other.

 

I'm ready for more, I really, really think that we could have something amazing here if he would just join me fully in this relationship.... And he's still scared. He thinks he's unworthy of me. He's convinced himself that we have an expiration date, even though there's been nothing to indicate that. He thinks things like "How could someone like you ever find someone like me attractive?" And he is having a hard time investing more in me, because he is afraid he's inevitably going to have his heart broken by me.

 

But by holding out, he's going to make that fear come true. I can only offer him my heart for so long before I start believing he's never going to take it. I haven't reached that point yet, but I feel like it could start happening anytime...

 

The idea of turning away tears me up inside - but so does the thought that he's never going to let his armor down. I feel like I have an impossible decision to make.

 

When I left ex-hubby it was an easy decision in the end, because he treated me so poorly it wouldn't have taken much for someone else to be a better partner.

 

This New Guy treats me with such respect, is so genuinely nice, responsible, funny... And he just "gets" me, like no one else has. I don't know why he doesn't see the amazing, kind, generous person he is, with beautiful eyes and an adorable smile. I just wish he could see himself the way I see him.

 

He thinks he is nothing special but I know from experience that he is one in a million. And that's why I can't bring myself to leave..... yet.

 

What would you do? Would you stick it out for a while longer? At what point would you cut it off?

[MightyQuinn]

I guess I should also add that he says he "doesn't want to screw this up." It's like he wants to participate but is still scared of being burned. He used the word "jaded", like he's been the wringer a few too many times and can't get his hopes up, even when something real is right in front of him.

 

There's only so much I can do, it's up to him to make the choice to jump in the deep end with me or stay in the shallows.

[MightyQuinn]

Wow, I've never posted here and no one responds but myself....

 

He didn't leave his apartment today, he couldn't get off the couch to do his dishes or his laundry... That's like the third time in two weeks. He overslept and was late for work 2 days in a row. I also reread this post, looked over my old threads and noticed a pattern.

 

I think he's depressed. Now I wish I'd never even started this thread because I don't think it's really the problem that I laid out. Hoping to talk to him tomorrow about getting screened because frankly he's worrying the crap out of me. I don't know if he'll take my advice about talking to a doctor. He didn't when I told him about his sleep apnea

 

LoveShack... Even works well when you're just typing to yourself.

[mrldii]

Yeah...but which came first, OP?

 

Is it his depression that makes him feel he's not "good enough" for you and that the relationship will eventually end,

 

or is it his fear of his self-fulfilling prophecy coming to pass that's causing his depression?

 

Either way, it's not your cross to bear...at least, not in the sense that you'll be his cure. IF you truly care about him, then it's your cross to bear to steer him in the direction to get professional help...and to be there, to help him pick up the [his?] pieces and put *humpty* back together, again.

 

 

Best of luck to each - and both - of you!

[Jacob_Duluoz]

He sounds like he's making himself miserable about it. He needs to think it out. Does he have friends he can talk to? How much do you really know about this guy? Six months is not that long of a time.

[MightyQuinn]

Yeah...but which came first, OP?

 

Is it his depression that makes him feel he's not "good enough" for you and that the relationship will eventually end,

 

or is it his fear of his self-fulfilling prophecy coming to pass that's causing his depression?

 

Either way, it's not your cross to bear...at least, not in the sense that you'll be his cure. IF you truly care about him, then it's your cross to bear to steer him in the direction to get professional help...and to be there, to help him pick up the [his?] pieces and put *humpty* back together, again.

 

 

Best of luck to each - and both - of you!

 

It's a good question, but I think it was probably there before we even met. He talked about having a major depression after his EX left, and that it was an incredibly dark time for him. I don't think he's accepted a single compliment I've given him, usually has a self-depreciating joke to knock them down. Now I think he was just covering how he really feels about himself with humor.

 

I really want him to at least see a doctor... But that's going to be the hard part If he thinks I'm doing this for the wrong reasons, he might not take me seriously or go to the doctor.

 

Given the context of recent conversations that he and I have had, I'm afraid that he'll think I'm grasping at straws just to get him to love me. Which in some ways is true, I do wish he could feel for me the way I feel for him, and depression could be blocking that. But honestly, from what I've known with my own experience with clinical depression, he could get treatment and discover that he's just been staying with me because it was easier than being alone. I left my husband shortly after anti-depressants cleared the fog from my life. Successful treatment could send New Guy packing, for all I know.

 

I really just want him to be happy in life, whether its with someone else, alone, but especially if it was with me... I've found an online questionnaire specifically for men (part of why I didn't see it at first was because symptoms can be different between the sexes), I'm going to go over the depression screening stuff with him tomorrow.

 

Thanks for the response and the luck.... I think we'll really need it....

[MightyQuinn]

He sounds like he's making himself miserable about it. He needs to think it out. Does he have friends he can talk to? How much do you really know about this guy? Six months is not that long of a time.

 

I knew him for 3 months longer than that (total of 9 months, almost 10) but resisted really dating him until my divorce stuff was through. I felt weird about the timing and didn't want to rebound. If it was going to be something real, I wanted to do it right.

 

And I totally agree, he is making himself miserable about it... But that's part of the problem with depression is you get caught in bouts of recurrent negative thinking. You focus on the negative, and imagine the worst.

[CarrieT]

Six months is not that long of a time.

THIS IS CRITICAL.

 

MQ, the connection is "off the charts" which means you are in honeymoon stage and not thinking clearly.

 

At best, you continue to date and see each other through all four season - at least a year - before you start discussing children again. That will show you if he is capable of working through his depression to be a viable parent. He may not be and it is best to not get too invested in the concept of a Lifetime and Family and Parenthood *after* you come out of honeymoon fog.

[MightyQuinn]

THIS IS CRITICAL.

 

MQ, the connection is "off the charts" which means you are in honeymoon stage and not thinking clearly.

 

At best, you continue to date and see each other through all four season - at least a year - before you start discussing children again.

 

Totally, TOTALLY understand the concern, but it wasn't a "Let's have kids" conversation. It was just a talk to establish whether we had the same goals in life. I'm almost 36, he is almost 37, more of my fertile years are behind me than in front of me. It would have been no good for either of us to date for 4 seasons, as you totally reasonably suggest, just to find out at that point, say, I wanted kids but he didn't. Or vice versa.

 

Thanks for the response

[Maggie4]

You are really feeling it for this guy: radically honest and open, completely yourself, and he just gets you. It's a wonderful feeling.

But he doesn't feel the same way about you, or he wouldn't have shut down after that misunderstanding. It's not as great for him.

He could be going through depression. There is lack of communication from him. You don't understand what is going on with him, so you are not as compatible, as of now, as you would like to believe.

You are open, he is not. It takes two. It's two or nothing to make a relationship.

When you try to talk to him, if he still feeds you lines like "you're so great, I'm not good enough for you, I'm afraid of getting hurt, I've been hurt before, etc.", then you know he is still not speaking from the heart. Someone who truly understands you at a deep level, would not say those things.

If a guy I like, tells me he thinks I'll break his heart, I'd be disappointed, because that means he doesn't get me. It's not a flattering thing to say to a woman, although some men might imagine otherwise.

You have to draw the line somewhere, if he has problems like depression. You can't fix him. I can understand if you already had an open relationship with a man, then years later he falls into depression, you can be there for him. But this is someone who has yet to open up to you.

[MightyQuinn]

You have to draw the line somewhere, if he has problems like depression. You can't fix him. I can understand if you already had an open relationship with a man, then years later he falls into depression, you can be there for him. But this is someone who has yet to open up to you.

 

I've had depression myself, so I know how it can effect you. He has opened up to me plenty, maybe not as far as I would like, but I'm 36 years old - EVERYONE I date is going to have baggage, so it's a matter of what baggage I'm willing to deal with, and this is something I'm familiar with and which I know can possibly be fixed. He treats me better than any man has treated me before, and he's making an effort, so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt until I feel I've reached my limit.

 

I know I can't fix him, but I can point him in the right direction for help, even if not just because I love him, but because he is a human being worthy of compassion and understanding, and he's a good person who needs help. And if things work out, they work out, and if they don't, I find someone else, but at least I will have given the relationship a real shot.

[Maggie4]

I've had depression myself, so I know how it can effect you. He has opened up to me plenty, maybe not as far as I would like, but I'm 36 years old - EVERYONE I date is going to have baggage, so it's a matter of what baggage I'm willing to deal with, and this is something I'm familiar with and which I know can possibly be fixed. He treats me better than any man has treated me before, and he's making an effort, so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt until I feel I've reached my limit.

 

I know I can't fix him, but I can point him in the right direction for help, even if not just because I love him, but because he is a human being worthy of compassion and understanding, and he's a good person who needs help. And if things work out, they work out, and if they don't, I find someone else, but at least I will have given the relationship a real shot.

 

Well said. I think you found your answer for yourself. Now you sound determined and no longer confused. Sometimes all you need is to talk it out and you can answer your own question. That's great!

[MightyQuinn]

Well said. I think you found your answer for yourself. Now you sound determined and no longer confused. Sometimes all you need is to talk it out and you can answer your own question. That's great!

 

Thanks!

 

Determined, no longer confused... And on edge until I see him for our date tonight :/ I feel really nervous about talking to him about this.

 

In my experience, guys tend to poo-poo health issues and refuse to see a doctor. He's already done that once when I told him about his sleep apnea (he stopped breathing for like 30 seconds while he was sleeping!). Granted, he started exercising more and watching his food to lose a bit of weight, and the last few times he's slept over, he hasn't really snored.

 

I'm afraid he won't take it seriously and won't do anything about it. And that's sad for two reasons: 1) I'll reach the limit where my instinct to protect my heart kicks in, and there'll basically be no chance for us once that happens 2) As long as New Guy doesn't do anything about his depression, it'll be harder for him to get what he wants out of life. He really is a great person and deserves to be happy.

 

I'm just on pins and needles and thinking about our relationship in ways that I don't want to. I don't want to make assumptions about how he is going to react, I don't want to assume the worst, and I'm finding myself doing that already (see above). It's not how I want to feel, when I haven't even had the chance to broach the subject yet.

 

It's ironic, because it's the EXACT thing that he's doing - assuming the worst will happen. Now *I'm* the one making myself miserable about it. WOOHOO! *sarcasm*

 

Thanks for "listening", just kinda needed to vent. This has been a nice little pressure valve so I can now hopefully stop thinking about it and go about having a productive day.

[MightyQuinn]

We talked... I feel like it was a productive talk, in that we aired a few things out and he admitted he probably has some level of depression... We dove into some other deep topics, too... I may have come to the conclusion that not all of my walls are down, either, so did the work of knocking a few of them down myself, admitting some things I hadn't said before... He knocked down at least one, too, in that he admitted he may have some other medical issues that I wasn't aware of... I don't know if he's going to talk to a doctor :/ I didn't force him to give me an answer because I really want him to think about it...

 

But I said my peace, I feel like I made the best case I could for why I think he should go see a doctor... And I think I learned some valuable things in the process, both about him and myself... I feel like he really listened... Now to see what he does with it...

Edited January 13, 2016 by MightyQuinn