Aisling.25 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I've been seeing this guy for about 3 weeks and all I texted him was I the only one he was seeing. I didn't mean it as anything bad or I wasn't being pushy, I just saw he follows random girls on insta so I thought maybe I wasn't the only one. Even if he said he was seeing someone else it wouldn't have really been an issue because we haven't discussed what we are. So he sent me a big message saying in this time it's none of my business who he follows or what girls he speaks too at this time. I am really hurt by his message because I honestly wasn't being pushy I just wanted to ask. We've started sleeping together so I thought it was moving towards something, I said sorry and he told me not to worry about. But tbh now I feel like crap and no one has ever been that mean to me I suppose. And in didn't mean it the way he thinks I did I suppose I didn't think. Did I have a right to ask him or should I have kept my mouth shut? We were getting on so well and now I feel like it's ruined.
Maggie4 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 You can ask whatever you want, and you DID get your answer, and more. So now you know. 6
katiegrl Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I've been seeing this guy for about 3 weeks and all I texted him was I the only one he was seeing. I didn't mean it as anything bad or I wasn't being pushy, I just saw he follows random girls on insta so I thought maybe I wasn't the only one. Even if he said he was seeing someone else it wouldn't have really been an issue because we haven't discussed what we are. So he sent me a big message saying in this time it's none of my business who he follows or what girls he speaks too at this time. I am really hurt by his message because I honestly wasn't being pushy I just wanted to ask. We've started sleeping together so I thought it was moving towards something, I said sorry and he told me not to worry about. But tbh now I feel like crap and no one has ever been that mean to me I suppose. And in didn't mean it the way he thinks I did I suppose I didn't think. Did I have a right to ask him or should I have kept my mouth shut? We were getting on so well and now I feel like it's ruined. If it were me, and a man I was dating and sexual with said that to me, he'd be history. You probably could have handled it better, but nevertheless, the way he responded was obnoxious, and would have turned me off big time. Next!!! Just me though. And for the record, you have the *right"* to ask him anything you want to. And he has the right not to answer .....or answer obnoxiously as he chose to. Again, for me it would be next, but you should do what's right for you. He sounds like an a*shole though IMO. 13
h0000 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Oh he is a jerk for sure. He could have told you this nicely!.. I agree you can ask whatever you want. If he really likes you, there will be heaps of room for errors. Not that Im saying asking him this is an error. He obviously is seeing other girls. And if I wasn't turned off by the fact that he is seeing other girls, I am def turned off by his attitude towards this and you 5
Author Aisling.25 Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 It's definitely made me see him in a different way. I honestly thought we were friends so I could ask. I just didn't expect his reaction to be so mean. 2
katiegrl Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 It's definitely made me see him in a different way. I honestly thought we were friends so I could ask. I just didn't expect his reaction to be so mean. Yeah, and I think it speaks volumes to how he feels about you too. Or doesn't feel. A man who is interested in you, and cares about you would NEVER respond that way. I hope you choose to next him. 7
Redhead14 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I've been seeing this guy for about 3 weeks and all I texted him was I the only one he was seeing. I didn't mean it as anything bad or I wasn't being pushy, I just saw he follows random girls on insta so I thought maybe I wasn't the only one. Even if he said he was seeing someone else it wouldn't have really been an issue because we haven't discussed what we are. So he sent me a big message saying in this time it's none of my business who he follows or what girls he speaks too at this time. I am really hurt by his message because I honestly wasn't being pushy I just wanted to ask. We've started sleeping together so I thought it was moving towards something, I said sorry and he told me not to worry about. But tbh now I feel like crap and no one has ever been that mean to me I suppose. And in didn't mean it the way he thinks I did I suppose I didn't think. Did I have a right to ask him or should I have kept my mouth shut? We were getting on so well and now I feel like it's ruined. First of all you don't open a conversation like this via text. You have a face to face conversation. Secondly, it's only been three weeks of seeing him. Thirdly, just because you have sex with a guy, it doesn't mean it's moving towards something. Since you had been intimate with him, sure, it's reasonable to have a conversation like that. I agree, he was maybe a little mean about it, but at the same time, I'd have felt a little disrespected if someone tried to have that kind of conversation via text. Whether things are ruined or not is yet to be seen. If he continues to call and schedule proper dates, great. If you continue to be intimate with him, at least get some clarity about what it is he is looking for in general in terms of his dating goals. Make sure you're on the same page there at least. And, for now, if I were you, I'd keep the dates public and not allow the opportunity for sex to happen again for a while. Not as a matter of manipulation, just until you get clarity and communication is on track. Hit the reset button so to speak. And, don't try to have important conversations via text . . . it's just not cool. Be a grown up and talk to the person face to face. 3
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 What an arrogant jerk ! It would have been the end of it for me right there. Not because he is talking to other women but because of his arrogant and offensive reply. Seriously, you can't keep seeing or talking to this man after he spoke to you like this. If you accept this then it's a yes for him to treat you like dirt. 9
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I agree, he was maybe a little mean about it, If she accepts a little mean after 3 weeks then she'll be accepting controlling-manipulative-abusive in 3 months. 12
Author Aisling.25 Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 What an arrogant jerk ! It would have been the end of it for me right there. Not because he is talking to other women but because of his arrogant and offensive reply. Seriously, you can't keep seeing or talking to this man after he spoke to you like this. If you accept this then it's a yes for him to treat you like dirt. I honestly did believe he was the nicest person I'd ever met so now I feel disappointed because I saw his true colours. I wasn't trying to push him into a relationship like he thought I just wanted a honest answer. 2
Redhead14 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 If she accepts a little mean after 3 weeks then she'll be accepting controlling-manipulative-abusive in 3 months. If he's going to be dealing with a woman who can't have important conversations in person at an appropriate time, then neither one of them is going to be happy. He was mean, she had poor etiquette and perhaps timing. She doesn't know what he was doing or where he was when she texted and perhaps he was perturbed and put on the spot, caught off guard. Both are guilty of poor handling of this situation. 1
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I honestly did believe he was the nicest person I'd ever met so now I feel disappointed because I saw his true colours. I wasn't trying to push him into a relationship like he thought I just wanted a honest answer. He is not remotely interested in a serious relationship with you. Even if it were by text You said nothing wrong. He chose to make it something wrong. He could have simply answered yes he is seeing other people for now, or he could have answered you'll talk about it next time, or he could have answered 100 different ways that were not hurtful but he chose to send you a long hurtful reply. Block and delete. 9
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 If he's going to be dealing with a woman who can't have important conversations in person at an appropriate time, then neither one of them is going to be happy. He was mean, she had poor etiquette and perhaps timing. She doesn't know what he was doing or where he was when she texted and perhaps he was perturbed and put on the spot, caught off guard. Both are guilty of poor handling of this situation. Redhead: Sometimes you need to remember we're older and from another generation. These are kids just starting at life and don't have a concept of 'right time'. She did nothing wrong. She was not asking him for exclusivity over text, she was asking a very casual question. His jerk answer was uncalled for. 6
lollipopspot Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 People ask me a lot of things that I think are none of their business. I would never respond like that though - to someone I cared about - as it's a brush off to respond in that way. I'd probably just tell him that you're not on the same page and end it. I guess he can try to come back from that and explain it and try to make it better, but if he doesn't then you dodged a bullet. I agree to not have serious conversations via text. 9
katiegrl Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I think his response goes beyond just being *a little mean.* It speaks to how much he values her, how he feels about her. Not much apparently. They have gone out on a bunch of dates and are having sex. She sees him flirting with other girls on line, and innocently asks him about it. And he responds it's none of her business what other women he's talking to...flirting with? Really???? OP, I am glad you asked, good for you. Now you know where you stand and how much he values you. Had you not asked, you would not have this information .....and would never have known. Yes the timing could have been better perhaps, but it would not have changed the outcome. He is multi-dating, and does not give a crap how you feel about it... Please next him ...you deserve way better than that. 9
Redhead14 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I honestly did believe he was the nicest person I'd ever met so now I feel disappointed because I saw his true colours. I wasn't trying to push him into a relationship like he thought I just wanted a honest answer. That is the problem with texting . . . "I wasn't trying to push him into a relationship like he thought" . . . he gave you an honest answer. It came across a certain way to him and without the benefit of seeing your face, hearing your tone, your sincerity, etc. It is none of your business what he does just like it's none of his business what you do. When you don't get clarity or have good communication before you become intimate and try to backpedal, you need to do it better than via text. What else should he say, "yeah, I'm banging a bunch of women, thanks for asking"? 1
katiegrl Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 That is the problem with texting . . . "I wasn't trying to push him into a relationship like he thought" . . . he gave you an honest answer. It came across a certain way to him and without the benefit of seeing your face, hearing your tone, your sincerity, etc. It is none of your business what he does just like it's none of his business what you do. When you don't get clarity or have good communication before you become intimate and try to backpedal, you need to do it better than via text. What else should he say, "yeah, I'm banging a bunch of women, thanks for asking"? So it's either *it's none of your business who I choose to talk to, " OR... "yeah, I'm banging a bunch of women, thanks for asking"? Come on now RH ....I am fairly certain there are many ways he could have responded other than those two extremes. Ways that would indicate he actually cares about her and values what they are developing. 5
Author Aisling.25 Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 I think his response goes beyond just being *a little mean.* It speaks to how much he values her, how he feels about her. Not much apparently. They have gone out on a bunch of dates and are having sex. She sees him flirting with other girls on line, and innocently asks him about it. And he responds it's none of her business what other women he's talking to...flirting with? Really???? OP, I am glad you asked, good for you. Now you know where you stand and how much he values you. Had you not asked, you would not have this information .....and would never have known. Yes the timing could have been better perhaps, but it would not have changed the outcome. He is multi-dating, and does not give a crap how you feel about it... Please next him ...you deserve way better than that. I've been lying here for the last few hours thinking about it and more for me I can't put myself in that position. We're both looking for different things so what's the point. 1
Redhead14 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I've been lying here for the last few hours thinking about it and more for me I can't put myself in that position. We're both looking for different things so what's the point. We're both looking for different things so what's the point -- are you making this statement based on the surface of things in this thread or do you actually know what he wants? What kinds of real, face to face, conversations have you had with this guy prior to intimacy? What do you really know about him? What did he say he was looking for out of his dating journey overall? What has his dating history been like? What are his dating goals? What is he looking for? It sounds like you're more invested in him at three weeks than he is, for sure. There's been a really big misunderstanding and mishandling of the situation on both your parts. If he calls again and seems sincere and you are over this fracas, go and have a conversation about all this if for no other reason than to put things to rest and move on more cleanly. As you can tell, I have no "respect" for texting as a form of serious communication and have seen it be responsible for ruining friendships/relationships many times as well as Facebook. If he doesn't call you again, so be it. I do think he could have given a better answer or picked up the phone or something less rude, but it would piss me off if a man asked me something like that via text, plain and simple. If you have something important to talk about, treat it and me with importance. 1
Wewon Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 So, OP how did he respond when you told him to go f*(# himself? We seem to live in a day and age where everyone feels that they need to aggressively defend their position, you can't ask a question without someone asserting their *RIGHTS*. After 3 weeks you got to see how obnoxious he is, that's lucky for you. 7
Author Aisling.25 Posted January 11, 2016 Author Posted January 11, 2016 So, OP how did he respond when you told him to go f*(# himself? We seem to live in a day and age where everyone feels that they need to aggressively defend their position, you can't ask a question without someone asserting their *RIGHTS*. After 3 weeks you got to see how obnoxious he is, that's lucky for you. I didn't know what to do when he said it to me I never expected that reaction. He told me I was the only one he was seeing but his obviously keeping his options open. He said we're no where near that stage where we can talk about that.
Redhead14 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 Redhead: Sometimes you need to remember we're older and from another generation. These are kids just starting at life and don't have a concept of 'right time'. She did nothing wrong. She was not asking him for exclusivity over text, she was asking a very casual question. His jerk answer was uncalled for. Yes, Gaeta, I get it. That doesn't mean that imparting our wisdom on her won't be of benefit. Just because it's a new world, doesn't mean the new "ways" are right. In fact, we are seeing that the "new" ways suck. She might as well start learning now that a) texting is not a good form of communicating important matters and b) that you don't sleep with a man before you have clarity about what they are each looking for. I'm not saying she did anything wrong, she just didn't do it right either. There was room for misunderstanding and that happened. He thought she was trying to pin him down. He might not have given the answer he gave if she had spoken to him in person because he would have been able to "see"/"hear" her intention. All I'm saying is I see his "side" too. And, she had already been intimate with him, it's not a casual question anymore . . . she should know. So don't treat it so casually. Better yet, she should have just assumed he was seeing other people, made sure they used protection, and dated other people as well until they were exclusive or even better would be, don't be intimate with a man unless or until exclusivity is discussed. 2
Versacehottie Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 There are kind of two separate issues IMO. *his dating activities and your comfort levels with them *the way he responded I think if you stop getting tied up in the question about who he is dating and if you had a right to ask and should he have answered the questions, blah blah blah. That issue is not first and foremost. First and foremost, dealbreaker material is how he "spoke" to you/responded in the text back. It's really rude, not like you would do to someone you mean to keep dating. I think it's a dealbreaker. You shouldn't have asked the question via text. IMO you shouldn't have asked the question; it was only 3 weeks. Just have slowed things down and not make assumptions about who and what else he is doing. Also he couldn't hear your tone and there was no lead up to why you were asking. Much better to ask something like that on a date before you get more physical. Rather than because you've been stalking his instagram. So he's probably more than a little defensive. And you can't hear his tone. There is the slightest chance he meant it to be sarcastic though I don't think so but that's the whole point of why you don't do this conversation over text because you can't get the tones and non-verbal of it. Also you don't have a text conversation because one or the other of you might disappear without finishing it. Anyway, cat's out of the bag now: you asked, that's how he replied. Forget the content of his answer and what it means (f*ck yeah I'm dating others, so what???) for a moment. Do you really find someone who responds to you like that at all acceptable in your life?? I think it's a dealbreaker. I agree with redhead about the other stuff. You got too needy and invested. You presumed having sex with him meant he was obligated and "should" be exclusive with you. You can say that was not your intention but think about it you asked because you saw "random" girls on his instagram. For the future, find that stuff along the way BEFORE you do something that further invests you (like sex). Just keep your investment low and have fun, until he proves he is worthy of more, ie something like this would have come out BEFORE you invested yourself and then you would have been able to walk away much easier. Right now you are all tortured about it because you gave too freely. You need to vet who you let into your life. Anyway, hang in there and good luck 4
Redhead14 Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 I didn't know what to do when he said it to me I never expected that reaction. He told me I was the only one he was seeing but his obviously keeping his options open. He said we're no where near that stage where we can talk about that. He already told you you were the only one he was seeing? So, you pushed the issue. And, so what if he's keeping his options open? You were not in a relationship with him. You should be doing that as well. And, at three weeks, you really aren't at the stage where you should be talking about that. You should still be simply dating and getting to know each other. Just because you slept with him, doesn't mean it's a done deal. Like I said, it was a reasonable question, a good plan, but poorly executed.
mrldii Posted January 11, 2016 Posted January 11, 2016 OP, for what it's worth, I agree with versachie. And, that's coming from someone who believes in multi-dating, especially at the get-go, believes that we're allowed to have sex with whomever we choose/whenever we choose, and would never ask a man prematurely if he's seeing others...I'd presume he was. As versachie said, two separate issues: 1. the fact that he's dating others and you don't believe in it/don't like it; and 2. the way he responded. #2 is reason, alone (IMHO) that I'd kick his a** and all his other body parts to the curb, ASAP and all PDQ-like; remember: we teach others how to treat/speak to us. Best of luck to you, OP... 1
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