I have this gut-feeling shes still hung up on her ex.

[tomhw]

I broke up with my girlfriend about 7 months ago. My girlfriend broke up with her boyfriend 8 months ago. We both met via tinder (which i was using for hookups) 5 months ago and instantly connected. We began messaging everyday and continued to do so for a month (as i went on holiday). At this point i myself was not over my ex whilst she told me she was. We began to see each other when i returned from holiday and we get steadily more involved over a period of 4 months before we entered a serious relationship. I had met her friends before we became serious (even saw her ex when i went to her college).

 

The relationship is great. She is attentive, affectionate and isnt afraid to spoil me. However, I have suspicions that she is not over her ex. She has brought him up in conversation numerous times (however this is spanning the entire 5 months we have been speaking). They both go to the same college and sometimes communicate via social media (at night). They are friends now, however the reason they broke up was because they were always fighting (he was insecure and became jealous and controlling). Surprisingly, it was him who called things off.

 

My suspicions started when I went with her to a party and her ex came up to me (very drunk) and began to reassure me in a rather nervous manner that he doesn't still like my girlfriend (it was clear he did) and that he is glad she has found someone 'better'. He then went on to tell me he felt really bad for what happened between them and how it was his fault. She had confided in me that she feels incredibly guilty for what happened between her and her ex as the main causes of his jealousy were her platonic friendships with other guys. I decided to tell him that she feels really guilty for what happened and I advised him to go and tell her exactly what he told me. She told me later that he had said some quite deep things to her. I also noticed extended eye contact and playful friendliness between the two.

 

We also got really drunk together once but I had to leave in order to catch the last train. She then started crying on the phone to me and was telling me about how she feels guilty for what happened between her and her ex and how she couldnt make him feel any less insecure. She then said she cant 'let go' but told me she was referring not to people but to the things they have done to her.

 

To be honest, she is an incredibly caring person. I do not doubt she still cares deeply for her ex and I would not necessarily be upset with that, but I cannot tell whether I am just something to take her mind off the pain? I forgot to mention her ex is now seeing one of her best friends. Am i being paranoid?

[jen1447]

I don't know about "hung up" but it definitely sounds like he's still on her mind. Could be a guilt thing just like she says tho. If she's a 'feelings person' it can be really hard to move on from heavy stuff.

 

Why don't you just ask her? Sounds like your communications pretty good already.

[Gaeta]

I think it's more about guilt over what she had done and not about not being over him.

 

I've divorced in 1998 and when I think of the past I feel guilty for how I handled a few things in our marriage. It has nothing to do with not being over my ex-husband. I have been over him for years.

[smackie9]

IMO it was a pivotal point in their relationship, and that they final got closure that they needed. I'm sure she is going to reflect on it for awhile, like what went wrong, what she should have done, blah blah blah. Obviously this will be a very emotional time for her.

 

Instead of being all paranoid, be loving, understanding and supportive. This will ensure a deeper connection with her. Let her release the her hurt onto you. Then in a couple of weeks reassess and see where you two are at, to see if this had any negative effect on your relationship.