DoesntGetIt Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I've had talks with her on the fly before, about things that were bothering me or what have you. They mostly didn't go great, but not terrible either because I make a point of not attacking or being angry, etc. But at the same time she HATES talking about stuff. I had made her a promise a month and a half or so ago to not bring anything else up until the new year as long as she was willing to work on some of the things we've talked about. To her credit she's made an effort in several of the smaller issues but has completely ignored the largest one (and another big one has surfaced since). So I'm getting ready to have a talk with her, a major one. I want to be prepared and not forget important points (As she gets frustrated when we talk I tend to forget what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it which makes me always miss important stuff), while also trying my best to not put her on the defensive and not make it sound like ultimatums, even though if she doesn't agree to us working on these two topics, I think it is time to end it. Has anyone ever gone through a major relationship talk like this? Where the whole relationship basically hangs in the balance of how it ends up going? I have a first draft written, but it seemed too long to post here.
Els Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 It's really hard to give input with zero idea on what your concern is about. I don't think you need to post a novella, but a brief summary could work. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Can you give us an idea of what the problem is, exactly? We can give you better feedback if you provide more information.
Author DoesntGetIt Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 Fair enough. The first issue is intimacy. In that she gives none. She doesn't initiate cuddling, kissing or sex. This is our second attempt at dating and the first time around she would at least initiate cuddling and kissing, but not this time. I've mentioned it more than once and she still hasn't ever initiated any of it. And when it comes to sex she has really low body confidence (hates even being naked with dim lights on) and it kills her sex drive. I understand and respect this, but it doesn't mean we just ignore it and awkwardly manage to end up having sex once a month when I finally really push for it. I'm not asking her to change overnight, but I do need some effort as intimacy is very important to me (and she knows this). Something in her past, that I've never figured out, has also made sex a big issue for her. A small innocent joke once made her explode and other things have shown me this. The other is she won't let me into her life. We've known each other for over a year (the beginning of which was our first go around) and have been together this time for over 3 months. But she won't share anything. And lately she's been talking to this female internet friend a lot (until 2 am some nights and again when she wakes up) so I finally asked who it was, and she told me some about her. But when I asked what they liked to talk about, she got upset and said that question violated her privacy and shut down. I thought that was really weird. Plus the main reason I'm so curious is we have trouble having conversations that last more than 15 minutes lately, yet with that girl and other friends she can text back and forth all night. She also has been keeping her phone in her pocket almost all the time, and if it is out, she keeps it face down. She used to leave it lying around face up often. She started sitting in the chair in the corner when on her computer a bunch of the time. She used to just sit next to me on the couch. I really don't think she is cheating, and I do trust her, but there is just so much secrecy. Yet my phone was blinking it's blue light the other day and she pointed it out. I said yeah it is just my stupid e-mail. A few minutes later she mumbled "what time is it" and grabbed my phone to turn it on to check. She would go nuts if I did that to her. She got all upset that I went out with a friend and his fiancee, and a female coworker who has a slight crush on me. Nothing happened, nor would happen. But she wakes up one Sunday and says she's headed out to breakfast with a friend named Jeff, a name I've never heard. And got coffee with him the next week. It is such a double standard. She doesn't want me to meet her close friends she hangs out with weekly. She just really doesn't want me to be part of her life and get close to her. I'm not okay with that anymore. Things need to change both with intimacy and opening up/sharing or I can't do this relationship.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Yikes. This doesn't sound good at all. Are you sure the friend she's been texting all hours is in fact a female friend? What has she told you about her? Also, her preventing you from meeting her close friends after a year of knowing each other is a huge red flag. Do they know you exist? If so, have you seen them since you got back together? I ask because there are some classic signs here that you might not be the only man in her life. I know you said you trust her not to cheat, and maybe she isn't physically cheating, but there are some pretty typical warning bells ringing here. I suspect there's more to this problem than her just walling up and running from intimacy. Her issues around sex are troubling as well. It might be something traumatic in her past but if she won't open up about it, it won't get better. You say you only awkwardly have sex about once a month, yet you've been back together just 3 months. That is problematic to me. In the honeymoon phase, there is generally a lot more enthusiasm. The fact that the spark is already gone is bad news. You could try talking to her and explain your concerns. Ask her to explain what's going on. But honestly? I think I would just let her go. You've already talked to her, this is the second time around and at only three months in it clearly isn't working. You shouldn't need to be having all these "talks" at this stage - this should be an indication that you two are not a match. 3
didithappen Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I wonder who this Jeff guy is. She's definitely putting up some red flags, and getting defensive with everything usually isn't a good sign. I think a talk would be in order. Try not to be accusative, just tell her what is bothering you, a lot like you explained to us. Gauge her reactions, which can be very telling whether or not she says anything of substance at all. Best of luck, I hope everything works out.
d0nnivain Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 When dealing with somebody who doesn't express feelings / intimacy easily you need to be concrete. My husband wasn't an affectionate guy. It's taken years to get him to be more tactile. Start small if you can. I actually started with the ILYs. It is important to me, that we say it every time we part. I explained why. I lost friends in 9/11 & vowed that I would always tell people they were important to me so those sweet words would be the last in the event of a tragedy. Morbid I know but parting, hanging up the phone etc. it's important to me. One of my 1st issues was how he addressed a card. Yes, that is simple & small but it was easy so we started there. Now we have moved on to what I called "surprise kisses." Just to walk up to me & kiss me out of the blue for no reason. This is more for inside our house not PDA but it's got him to initiate more. That said, you need to meet Fred ASAP. Until you can ascertain that he's no threat, you have a problem.
Gaeta Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Sweetheart you are wasting your time. When you find yourself having to repeat again and again what is not working for you it's because A) you are not compatible B) She is unwilling to make changes. In both cases the relationship is doomed. My question to you is why insists on staying with a person that makes you this unhappy? Your girlfriend is what I call emotionally constipated. She doesn't have it in her to love you the way you want to be loved. No big conversation will change anything. End it and and find yourself someone 'compatible' and someone wanting to love you.
salparadise Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 All of the things you mention are part of her core personality. If the big issue was picking her clothes up off the floor or leaving dishes in the sink then having a talk would be prudent... but the things you describe are too fundamental and too numerous. Are you certain that her texting buddy is female? Being secretive, keeping you isolated from her friends, keeping you in line via threat of a blowup, non-communicative, no sex drive and body image issues... nuppers, none of this is going to change; it's who she is. You've already stated that it's unacceptable- you can skip the talk and save yourself quite a bit of time and frustration.
Author DoesntGetIt Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 I wonder who this Jeff guy is. She described him as a friend who she used to work with for many years. And yes, how it came about was very odd. Two weeks in a row made it more odd, but now they haven't hung out since. So maybe he did try for something and she said no. Sweetheart you are wasting your time. When you find yourself having to repeat again and again what is not working for you it's because A) you are not compatible B) She is unwilling to make changes. In both cases the relationship is doomed. My question to you is why insists on staying with a person that makes you this unhappy? Your girlfriend is what I call emotionally constipated. She doesn't have it in her to love you the way you want to be loved. No big conversation will change anything. End it and and find yourself someone 'compatible' and someone wanting to love you. Because I love her. I can't even fully explain why, since I shouldn't. It is why I gave it a second chance to begin with. It's why I have stuck around when things aren't going well. I've had a real hard time closing down these feelings. This is why I want to have a final talk. So I can have addressed my concerns and if/when she denies them, I can have some closure. I would love for the issues to get resolved, even slowly. But I know they probably won't.
Author DoesntGetIt Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 Yikes. This doesn't sound good at all. Are you sure the friend she's been texting all hours is in fact a female friend? What has she told you about her? Also, her preventing you from meeting her close friends after a year of knowing each other is a huge red flag. Do they know you exist? If so, have you seen them since you got back together? I ask because there are some classic signs here that you might not be the only man in her life. I know you said you trust her not to cheat, and maybe she isn't physically cheating, but there are some pretty typical warning bells ringing here. I suspect there's more to this problem than her just walling up and running from intimacy. Her issues around sex are troubling as well. It might be something traumatic in her past but if she won't open up about it, it won't get better. You say you only awkwardly have sex about once a month, yet you've been back together just 3 months. That is problematic to me. In the honeymoon phase, there is generally a lot more enthusiasm. The fact that the spark is already gone is bad news. You could try talking to her and explain your concerns. Ask her to explain what's going on. But honestly? I think I would just let her go. You've already talked to her, this is the second time around and at only three months in it clearly isn't working. You shouldn't need to be having all these "talks" at this stage - this should be an indication that you two are not a match. She told me a decent amount about the friend, and since I saw the Skype name once, I snooped a bit, it is a female. Her friends know about me and know we're together, according to her. But I've never met them. And yeah, there could be more to the problem, but it is impossible to get anything out of her to know. I know that the right thing is probably to end it. I just can't make myself cut it off like that.
Diezel Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Fair enough. The first issue is intimacy. In that she gives none. She doesn't initiate cuddling, kissing or sex. Your serious talk should go like this: "I don't want to be in this relationship anymore, this isn't going to work out. It's best we both move on." You are in a dead bedroom, in a dead relationship.
Diezel Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I know that the right thing is probably to end it. I just can't make myself cut it off like that. I guess you enjoy being in a relationship that bruises your self-esteem. Fair enough. Carry on doing what you are doing, because a "serious talk" AKA an ULTIMATUM is CLEARLY going to work.
salparadise Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 I can't even fully explain why, since I shouldn't. It is why I gave it a second chance to begin with. It's why I have stuck around when things aren't going well. I've had a real hard time closing down these feelings. Codependence. This distant, difficult, non-reciprocal relational dynamic is a magnet for the codependent personality. The talk you need to have is with yourself... use a therapist to mediate. Forget about convincing her that she should become who you wish she would be.
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