I got a girls number at work while on a break from gf but now getting back with gf.

[vee123]

Hi,

 

I'm 34 and my gf is 30. I'll give a quick brief overview. We have been together for 7 years. We've been having problems in general, not all the time but when we argue it leads to her implying that the relationship is over. During these sorts of periods my gf would be very disrespectful, using any below the belt comments she can use or focusing on any insecurities that she may think would hurt me. When my girlfriend is nice things are good but when she gets angry she goes to another extreme, of course I can do things to upset her but I don't agree with always feeling like we have broken up and say that we can argue. I know you don't judge people by there friends but all her friends are single, promiscuous and do class A drugs (she does when she parties with them, not as much as she used to as one of the main girls moved). I'm not into drugs. Anyway I'm getting off track.

 

I thought after our last row we were broken up (quite a regular feeling) and we didn't contact each other for a month, this time I said to myself that I'm going to try and move on, rather than being upset and feeling like my gf don't respect me or really want to be with me. I was still upset obviously but was thinking I don't want to continue like this, and I ain't getting any younger.

 

I work in a library and there is a girl that has been coming for a few months to get on with work. We have chit chatted, nothing serious, but she seems like a nice girl and always says hi. I find her attractive. She is quite a bit younger than me though as she's 20. A few days ago I asked if she might like to go for a drink sometime, She said yes and I took her number, thinking I'll call her the following day or two to arrange a date.

 

Later that evening I received some random texts from my ex / gf just to say merry xmas in case we don't hear from each other and then some others, I wasn't really that responsive. Then the next day she asked me to call. We talked and she wants to give it another go as we've been together for so long, after talking I thinking I might aswell as we have been together for so long.

 

I feel bad that I've taken the other girls number and wish that I hadn't now as I will see her again at work in the new year and she does seem from the little I've interacted with her like somebody I would like to date if I wasn't with my gf and if the age gap didn't become a issue. While I'm with my gf I don't want to date this girl as I wouldn't want to mess either about.

 

I have not communicated with the new girl since taking her number, I was wondering what is the best way to deal with the situation. I'm in a dilemma as my relationship is rocky but I'm willing to give it a go, this may be selfish of me but if things don't work out with my gf I would like to date this girl, if me and my gf really broke up. I do not want to lead the girl on but I just don't want to be a pig either. If I could just take back asking for her number that would be perfect. This is stressing me out.

[Snakechammah]

OMg. Deja vu... this just happened to me too. Except I was the girl that my crush asked for my number while he was rocky with his then-girlfriend... Just like your case!

 

I could be a bit biased here so please bear with me... I would advise you to follow your heart.

 

Your moment with the new girl is nothing compared to your 7 year relationship... HOWEVER, as they as say, perhaps, it's the 7-year-itch, your relationship may have run its course?

 

You know what your girlfriend is like... if you feel she is the woman you will marry, do return back to her.

 

If you think it's over and you'd like to start afresh... then go ahead and date Ms 20 year old.

 

Do note that such an age gap is a bit tricky. You're at the age to settle down, she is just discovering dating!

 

All the best with whatever you choose!

[MoreAmore]

No. You don't get to preserve your back up in case it doesn't work out.

 

You choose to invest all in with girlfriend and give up this girl, or give up your girlfriend and see what happens with this girl.

 

Not even just in your mind can you be like, I'd like to date her IF.

 

Imagine how she would feel if she heard that?

 

ooh, second choice, how romantic!

[Toodaloo]

We have been together for 7 years. We've been having problems in general, not all the time but when we argue it leads to her implying that the relationship is over. During these sorts of periods my gf would be very disrespectful, using any below the belt comments she can use or focusing on any insecurities that she may think would hurt me. When my girlfriend is nice things are good but when she gets angry she goes to another extreme, of course I can do things to upset her but I don't agree with always feeling like we have broken up and say that we can argue. I know you don't judge people by there friends but all her friends are single, promiscuous and do class A drugs (she does when she parties with them, not as much as she used to as one of the main girls moved). I'm not into drugs. Anyway I'm getting off track.

 

I thought after our last row we were broken up (quite a regular feeling) and we didn't contact each other for a month,

 

This is stressing me out.

 

So now your ex is back on the scene your stressed again?

 

No brainer dude.

 

Tell your ex its over - don't fret because if she can't change in 7 years she isn't going to change now. No really she isn't and if you get back with her in a coupdl of weeks you will have the same old "are we over, are we not, what did I do wrong this time" feelings...

 

Get off of the roller coaster.

 

Go out for a drink with new girl, relax and have fun.

[vee123]

OMg. Deja vu... this just happened to me too. Except I was the girl that my crush asked for my number while he was rocky with his then-girlfriend... Just like your case!

 

I could be a bit biased here so please bear with me... I would advise you to follow your heart.

 

Your moment with the new girl is nothing compared to your 7 year relationship... HOWEVER, as they as say, perhaps, it's the 7-year-itch, your relationship may have run its course?

 

You know what your girlfriend is like... if you feel she is the woman you will marry, do return back to her.

 

If you think it's over and you'd like to start afresh... then go ahead and date Ms 20 year old.

 

Do note that such an age gap is a bit tricky. You're at the age to settle down, she is just discovering dating!

 

All the best with whatever you choose!

 

Wow, deja vu lol.

 

I'm just thinking it's a bit of a big risk with the new girl, I'm just thinking if only I asked for her number a week earlier I could have possibly went on a date with her to find out more about her and to see if we had common ground (or at least never have asked for her number). I know I think she's attractive and seems like a nice person, but that's all I really know, she also doesn't know everything about me or how old I am, so even the age gap may be a problem and we could want different things, but I do like her and if I was single I would be meeting up with her ASAP.

 

With my gf I'm not ready for marriage or kids with her, I feel that because of our arguments and constant breakups that trust levels need to be built back up before we reach that stage. When we have broken up in the past she has withheld items I have at her house, threatened to smash up my stuff and threaten to call the police if I try to collect my stuff when we had breakups. But now we are back together everything is good right now, but it usually is when we get back together and she has agreed that she won't breakup with me when we have a argument (she has agreed to that before though, so we shall see).

 

I think it'll be rude to not contact the new girl after asking for her number even if I stay with my gf. I'll see her in Jan too when I go back to work so I don't want it to be awkward when I see her. I just feel she is potential gf material so I'm not happy about how this ended up.

 

MoreAmore - Yes I agree, nobody wants to be second choice and I wouldn't want anybody to feel that way.

[Toodaloo]

I'm just thinking it's a bit of a big risk with the new girl, I'm just thinking if only I asked for her number a week earlier I could have possibly went on a date with her to find out more about her and to see if we had common ground (or at least never have asked for her number). I know I think she's attractive and seems like a nice person, but that's all I really know, she also doesn't know everything about me or how old I am, so even the age gap may be a problem and we could want different things, but I do like her and if I was single I would be meeting up with her ASAP.

So meet up with her asap. You are single! It takes time to get to know someone! Go spend some of it with her.

 

With my gf I'm not ready for marriage or kids with her, I feel that because of our arguments and constant breakups that trust levels need to be built back up before we reach that stage. When we have broken up in the past she has withheld items I have at her house, threatened to smash up my stuff and threaten to call the police if I try to collect my stuff when we had breakups. But now we are back together everything is good right now, but it usually is when we get back together and she has agreed that she won't breakup with me when we have a argument (she has agreed to that before though, so we shall see).

 

I repeat - she is not going to change. Give it a week, a month... it will all go back to normal. You have already wasted all that time with her - why waste more?

 

I think it'll be rude to not contact the new girl after asking for her number even if I stay with my gf. I'll see her in Jan too when I go back to work so I don't want it to be awkward when I see her. I just feel she is potential gf material so I'm not happy about how this ended up.

 

Its not just rude its really dumb of you... You have the potential to meet some one else but you are sticking with the girl who gives you all that hassle because you have had to put up with that hassle for so many years already??? It does not make sense at all...

 

MoreAmore - Yes I agree, nobody wants to be second choice and I wouldn't want anybody to feel that way.

 

Your ex is second choice and you are going with it because you are afraid.

 

Your ex is not going to change. She will turn nasty again at some point because lets face it you have had all those years already to prove it!

 

Wake up. Get a grip. Stop wasting your life.

[kendahke]

Quite frankly, I don't see why you would want to climb back into that messy soup with your ex. You already know what awaits you down that road. You've spend a month out of it--why go back in? Unless she's gone through some intensive therapy over the course of +6 months, then nothing has changed except it's the holidays and she doesn't want to be by herself. The issues that continually break you two up are still there waiting to jump back on your head yet again... and again... and again. You gonna wait til you're 45 to see the futility in this incompatibility?

 

Having said that, I think that the 20 yr old is a bit too young for you. She's not old enough to drink legally, unless you live overseas. While she may be nice and friendly, it doesn't mean she's looking for a boyfriend 14 years older than she is.

 

If you're not together working on your relationship, then you're broken up. There's no such thing as taking a break. So, you were broken up, dumped in fact, and were free to engage whomever you wanted. There's no need to feel guilty about anything here.

[VeveCakes]

is your ex contacting you because of the holidays? Will be over again shortly after?

 

Even if it doesn't work out with new girl, there could be more new girls.

 

Your relationship sounds like it has run it's course, it shouldn't be a chore and so unstable after so long. Time to take a chance and make some changes.

[vee123]

Your ex is second choice and you are going with it because you are afraid.

 

Your ex is not going to change. She will turn nasty again at some point because lets face it you have had all those years already to prove it!

 

Wake up. Get a grip. Stop wasting your life.

 

Thanks I appreciate your post, I guess deep down I feel my gf ain't going to change, but she is convincing (I even believe her now, that we will deal with arguments differently) and when she is nice she is as sweet as pie and if she was always like that or didn't turn so nasty when we have problems I wouldn't be so cautious with her (Nobody's perfect and arguments are natural but it's how they are dealt with).

 

You're right, I probably am afraid and it feels like we have invested so much time. I guess I got a lot of thinking to do, it's hard when you get emotionally invested in somebody.

[road]

Your GF abuses you, does drugs wit toxic friends, that have affairs, her getting mad at you all these times is her way of justifying her cheating on you, then after she gets dumped she comes back to you.

 

 

Seven years of this and you want more. There is no light at the end of this tunnel, except a train coming at you.

 

 

Switch tracks and go with this new girl that does not use drugs but uses a library.

 

 

Wasting seven years is no justification to waste any more of your life on your EX.

[Diezel]

So there's this story of a friend of mine. Every time he goes to a specific bar, he ends up getting kicked out. On the way out, he gets punched by the bouncer at least once. Now, we never go with him, he goes on his own. He's not banned from the bar, but every once in a while, he won't go for a few weeks.

 

A new bar opened up nearby. Seems like it could be his kind of deal. He knows about it, wants to go about it, but is thinking about going back to his old bar. When I asked him why, "Well, I know I'm going to get kicked out and probably punched, but I've been going there for 7 years."

 

Sounds like a hell of a terrible bar to keep going to.

[Toodaloo]

Thanks I appreciate your post, I guess deep down I feel my gf ain't going to change, but she is convincing (I even believe her now, that we will deal with arguments differently) and when she is nice she is as sweet as pie and if she was always like that or didn't turn so nasty when we have problems I wouldn't be so cautious with her (Nobody's perfect and arguments are natural but it's how they are dealt with).

 

You're right, I probably am afraid and it feels like we have invested so much time. I guess I got a lot of thinking to do, it's hard when you get emotionally invested in somebody.

 

You have invested a whole lot of time to create NOTHING.

 

If you put away money into a savings account and you checked your statement after 7 years only to find you had less in there than you had paid in you would be pretty annoyed and move banks.

 

Same principle.

 

The only thing you have to gain by staying with your ex is more wasted time, more heartbreak, a few dollops of bitterness and resentment (both of which will prevent you meeting someone compatible who will be better than this)...

 

Seriously - rip the plaster off now. Do it fast. Mean it. Do not go back. Do not look back. Just get out there and go meet lovely women who are better than this.

 

Hell you have already met one!

[kendahke]

You're right, I probably am afraid and it feels like we have invested so much time. I guess I got a lot of thinking to do, it's hard when you get emotionally invested in somebody.

 

Investment would be a factor if you had something to show for it after 7 years. You don't.

 

It's been a bad investment--kind of like investing with Bernie Madoff. You have the opportunity to pull out of the investment because you have already broken up. There is no sane reason why you should put anymore time into this other than laziness. Don't sell yourself out for laziness.

 

You WILL find someone else who doesn't bring this level of messiness to your life. You just have to learn to trust yourself and trust the process.

[fitnessfan365]

Your ex GF has shown you who she is and isn't changing. So what makes you think you'll suddenly be OK w/her mood swings?

 

For what it's worth, I think the best thing you can do is leave your ex in the past and go out with the new girl. While you may not get past a first date with the new one, you're better off either way not getting back together w/a woman that makes you unhappy. I mean if she made you happy, you wouldn't have broken up with her in the first place right?

[vee123]

Thanks for the feedback. I feel very torn with which way to go as I've been with my gf for the last few days. She's been really nice and affectionate and seems to be trying to make a effort and happy that I'm with her. When it's like this I can see myself with her and think I wouldn't want to hurt her, maybe this time, after the last break she has learnt that I am prepared to leave her and will try to change (she says we shouldn't not speak for so long).

 

Lying in bed this morning she was playing some sweet songs, I got up and went to the living room but I had to go back to bed as where we are in the relationship and how I'm feeling and thinking about leaving her had me needing to cry a little (in private of course). I guess I do still love her and wonder if I would end up regretting throwing it away in case this time she changes.

 

Over Christmas she's going abroad for four days with her mum and New Years she says she has already arranged to go out with her friends.

 

If I do leave my girlfriend I'm aware that I may not end up in a relationship with the other girl. Right now with me being confused with what I want I wonder if I should call her and say something along the lines of I have a few things going on and maybe even mention something about something has come up with my ex or maybe not? as I guess this might kill any chance with this girl dead possibly. I took her number four / five day ago now and she hasn't heard anything from me, which is bad in its self. I don't think I would feel so bad if it was a girl I didn't want to date. But with the age gap I feel the odds are also greater.

[Snakechammah]

I'm secretly happy that most of the posters advocated seeing the new girl... hehe... (that's only cos I'm bias-ly in a similar situation as her except my guy is completely broken up and now seeing me)

 

For your case however, because of the big age gap, it seems like both of them are not good choices for you. Your girlfriend as she's somewhat bipolar and the new girl cos she's incredibly young. Maybe you should look elsewhere altogether?

 

Let me give you a perspective of the new girl. My crush at work asked for my number and asked me out. This was after a few months of light flirting at work. For freaking 3 weeks, I didn't hear from him.

 

When he finally called me, I didnt pick up. When I called him back, he didn't pick up either. It became a totally sh*tty cat and mouse game.

 

I later learned he had a girlfriend at the time he asked for my number (I didn't know) When they officially broke up, he gave me that measly missed call.

 

As the 'new girl' waiting for that stupid phonecall, it was miserable and hurtful. Remember that karma is real. Don't hurt someone - especially if it's not intentional, don't give her false hopes. It will guarantee your relationship - whatever you hurt her for - will go up in flames as well. Be kind to others, it will come back to you. If you're no longer interested in her because your bipolar ex is back, tell her the truth and drop her. She deserve someone who will not use her as spare tyre.

 

All the best for your decision!

[anna121]

I think you're getting back with ex for all the wrong reasons.

 

I also think you should give new girl a wide berth. A month is almost certainly not enough time to move on from a long-term rel-ship. Be friends, maybe, but no more.

[Hopeful30]

This is my personal opinion so please don't take it to heart:

 

An on-and-off relationship isn't a relationship, it's a pattern of behaviour. One day you're lonely and want company/sex, you get back together. It's easy. Once you've had enough of each other, you break up until you get needy again.

 

I would say try things with this new girl. Otherwise you're just gonna keep being on-and-off with your current girl forever.

 

Once something is over, I see no point in resurrecting it. What's done should remain done. Kicking up the dust just makes you go through it all over again.

[vee123]

I'm secretly happy that most of the posters advocated seeing the new girl... hehe... (that's only cos I'm bias-ly in a similar situation as her except my guy is completely broken up and now seeing me)

 

For your case however, because of the big age gap, it seems like both of them are not good choices for you. Your girlfriend as she's somewhat bipolar and the new girl cos she's incredibly young. Maybe you should look elsewhere altogether?

 

Let me give you a perspective of the new girl. My crush at work asked for my number and asked me out. This was after a few months of light flirting at work. For freaking 3 weeks, I didn't hear from him.

 

When he finally called me, I didn't pick up. When I called him back, he didn't pick up either. It became a totally sh*tty cat and mouse game.

 

I later learned he had a girlfriend at the time he asked for my number (I didn't know) When they officially broke up, he gave me that measly missed call.

 

As the 'new girl' waiting for that stupid phonecall, it was miserable and hurtful. Remember that karma is real. Don't hurt someone - especially if it's not intentional, don't give her false hopes. It will guarantee your relationship - whatever you hurt her for - will go up in flames as well. Be kind to others, it will come back to you. If you're no longer interested in her because your bipolar ex is back, tell her the truth and drop her. She deserve someone who will not use her as spare tyre.

 

All the best for your decision!

 

It really does sound a little similar lol. I didn't have a gf at the time I asked for her number but I did get back with my gf afterwards. My gf can be bi polar and it's something others have mentioned before. I guess I want to give it another chance but I am just cautious that it may not work out depending on how we deal with our next issues or arguments ( I mean as long as it's not us breaking up again, as I'm not going to keep on accepting that).

 

I'm interested in the other girl but no I don't want to lead her on or give her false hope of anything, if I was broken up right now with my gf I would definitely be trying to see what she was about or if we broke up in 3 weeks time. I mean maybe I should just take a being friends approach as suggested by anna with her and just explain my situation, not as in close friends. I don't want to be bad too her or anything, ideally I shouldn't have asked for her number as timing wasn't great. I could have seen how my relationship went and if it didn't work out I could have asked her out in the future as I will see her at work next year...but we are not in an ideal world where things go how you want them too, unfortunately.

[lolablue17]

What do you know about your Gf during the month of NC? She may has slept with other guys. Did you ask her? Do you believe her?

 

If she did, why don't you give the new girl a chance and only if it fails, you can consider your ex option. That will put you both as a second choice of each other...

[vee123]

What do you know about your Gf during the month of NC? She may has slept with other guys. Did you ask her? Do you believe her?

 

If she did, why don't you give the new girl a chance and only if it fails, you can consider your ex option. That will put you both as a second choice of each other...

 

my gf claims that she didn't get up to anything during NC. But I think she would claim this anyway, long ago my gf used to claim she didn't dance with guys when she went out and would speak bad about girls who had bf's who did, well her friend stored some stuff at her house and I think on purpose left pictures on top of a box which contained more than one picture of my gf grinding on some guy and smiling/laughing. My gf not knowing I had seen them, when I asked if she ever grinds or dances with guys, easily and convincingly claimed she didn't, until I bought 1 picture up, she said it was just a quick pic, then I bought up the other and then she said, oh it was the first time I went out with a new girl and her other friends that did mdma and coke, she mentioned mdma after a while because I guess she couldn't hide it all, but I didn't find out about the coke until about a year ago because her friends didn't want to have to hide doing it in my presence when they were planning a night out. My gf about a year ago also made the same claims when I found she was on dating websites in her computer history, denied it until I provided evidence and then brushed it off.

 

I also find it hard to believe that she's only had 2 messages on her fb since we had NC (she told me to look) and claims that nobody knows that we were on a break, she changed her status to Single on fb at some stage as she mentioned it as she said she did it to get my attention, I didn't know until she mentioned it.

 

With the other girl I wonder if I should just go out with her just to see how we get along, I'm not sure if I should mention the gf or not as much don't usually come of a first date and I wouldn't be trying to sleep with her. It could end in us being friends or not, seeing if we're compatible. I think it would be better to say I have a gf or rocky relationship but I feel that would put her right off, what do you guys think? I think I've become a bit obsessed with the girl as I keep thinking about her wondering what if? I don't normally feel like that. But then I saw a picture of her and her dad on whatsapp and I think he don't look much older than me, maybe he just looks young for his age. One other thing is I normally go for girls shorter than me but she is taller.

Edited December 21, 2015 by vee123

[Toodaloo]

Dude

 

You are completely over thinking this.

 

Fact - your ex or gf or whatever she is. The bats one... She is toxic. I very much doubt you love her its just like an old broken record. Chuck it out and get a new one.

 

Fact - even if it is just friends or you don't get on with new girl does it really matter? There are loads of lovely ladies out there looking for a great guy. Funny but those lovely ladies are stuck with dating idiots because you keep dating idiots! get out there go meet some and for goodness sake stop wasting any more of your life on the crazy...