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Does this mean that I don't love him? No jitters/butterflies in stomach feeling

mariekatie

By mariekatie
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mariekatie Established Member

mariekatie

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hi everyone, so I've been dating this amazing guy for 3 months. We have really high compatibility, same goals/values in life.. But I've been thinking if i really loved him.. In all my past relationships, I'm always the one "chasing" and I've been in many bad relationships (abusive, cheating, lying..) and have major trust issues. This guy obviously loves me more than I do. He's the sweetest guy ever and I find no reason not to trust him. I also feel very comfortable being around him and he accepts me for who I am.

 

In the past I often feel insecure & inadequate. But somehow I felt a strong and intense feeling for all my exs. Sometimes I feel that my current SO comes off too strongly and I am not used to it because it have always been me chasing guys. I found that when someone chases me, I won't want him.. not gonna deny that I do love the thrill of chasing & do get bored easily..

 

I'm starting to doubt my own feelings because I've never been treated "good" by my exs yet I felt strongly for them. Why do I not feel this strongly for my current guy? Sometimes it bothers me and I hate that I don't love him as much as he loves me.. Is the jitters/butterflies in stomach/chemistry really that important?

 

Thanks in advance for all the advices!

Edited by mariekatie
Redfisher Established Member

Redfisher

Posted
Posted

Seems like your brain is programmed to like the jerks you had in the past...and you now have a winner and feel different. Sad for sure, You need to work on this and try hard...this may be the man who can care for you the rest of your life. Give it time.

  • Like 7
xcupid Established Member

xcupid

Posted
Posted

You say you have high compatibility but how about chemistry? That's usually what butterflies are all about - sexual attraction.

Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

Posted
Posted

If you didn't have doubts about yourself, and you had worked out all your issues by now, then you would know if it's you or the relationship.

 

Seeing as how you haven't faced some personal issues, it will be hard to tell for any of us. It's why I always encourage people to get their own problems out of the way first, and the rest becomes easier/clearer.

SwordofFlame Established Member

SwordofFlame

Posted
Posted
Hi everyone, so I've been dating this amazing guy for 3 months. We have really high compatibility, same goals/values in life.. But I've been thinking if i really loved him.. In all my past relationships, I'm always the one "chasing" and I've been in many bad relationships (abusive, cheating, lying..) and have major trust issues. This guy obviously loves me more than I do. He's the sweetest guy ever and I find no reason not to trust him. I also feel very comfortable being around him and he accepts me for who I am.

 

In the past I often feel insecure & inadequate. But somehow I felt a strong and intense feeling for all my exs. Sometimes I feel that my current SO comes off too strongly and I am not used to it because it have always been me chasing guys. I found that when someone chases me, I won't want him.. not gonna deny that I do love the thrill of chasing & do get bored easily..

 

I'm starting to doubt my own feelings because I've never been treated "good" by my exs yet I felt strongly for them. Why do I not feel this strongly for my current guy? Sometimes it bothers me and I hate that I don't love him as much as he loves me.. Is the jitters/butterflies in stomach/chemistry really that important?

 

Thanks in advance for all the advices!

Isn't this the textbook example of why some women go for the bad boys that are not good for them?

  • Like 1
Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted

I'm dating a guy who gives me butterflies and with whom I share intense feelings for.

 

He also treats me like a princess and is the nicest man I've ever met..... he spoils me.

 

But before my current, I would only feel chemistry with men who didn't want men who didn't want me.

 

The thrill of the chase also excites me!

 

I just got extremely lucky with my boyfriend

 

For girls like us it's nearly i possible to fall head over heels with nice guys who are actually into us!

 

What helped was. .... the fact I was OPEN to feeling the magic with ANY type! Literally, I was open to feeling connections with just about anyone. .......... I wasn't only open to fit hot guys.

TheTraveler Established Member

TheTraveler

Posted
Posted
Hi everyone, so I've been dating this amazing guy for 3 months. We have really high compatibility, same goals/values in life.. But I've been thinking if i really loved him.. In all my past relationships, I'm always the one "chasing" and I've been in many bad relationships (abusive, cheating, lying..) and have major trust issues. This guy obviously loves me more than I do. He's the sweetest guy ever and I find no reason not to trust him. I also feel very comfortable being around him and he accepts me for who I am.

 

In the past I often feel insecure & inadequate. But somehow I felt a strong and intense feeling for all my exs. Sometimes I feel that my current SO comes off too strongly and I am not used to it because it have always been me chasing guys. I found that when someone chases me, I won't want him.. not gonna deny that I do love the thrill of chasing & do get bored easily..

 

I'm starting to doubt my own feelings because I've never been treated "good" by my exs yet I felt strongly for them. Why do I not feel this strongly for my current guy? Sometimes it bothers me and I hate that I don't love him as much as he loves me.. Is the jitters/butterflies in stomach/chemistry really that important?

 

Thanks in advance for all the advices!

 

Dump him and move on. If you ain't feeling it, go find someone else.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
Posted

Maybe or maybe not but it seems that you are used to drama and you confuse those feelings with chemistry. Maybe take a break from relationships now so you can approach them in a healthy way in the future.

  • Like 1
pizzaro Member

pizzaro

Posted
Posted

Dump him. You'll be doing him a favor because he can find a woman that actually appreciates a nice guy. I'm sure there's a "bad boy" out there for you.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

I think you came to believe that neediness and cravings are feelings of love. They are not. The love, the healthy one, isn-t needy or insecure. It's peaceful, it gives you a feeling of security, contentment, happiness, satisfaction and makes you feel whole.

 

What you may be lacking is passion but once again it has nothing to do with neediness and cravings.

 

What is neediness, cravings and insecuriity? It's what we call "emotiomal dependency". Again far from being love.

 

I think you need to put real words on those feelings you are experiencing or not experirncing.

  • Like 1
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted
I think you came to believe that neediness and cravings are feelings of love. They are not. The love, the healthy one, isn-t needy or insecure. It's peaceful, it gives you a feeling of security, contentment, happiness, satisfaction and makes you feel whole.

 

 

Agree. Loving vs. Longing.

 

As Gaeta said, "love" is feeling calm, peaceful, secure.

 

On the other hand, "longing" which often times feels MORE intense, is a desire/craving for that which you DON'T have. You feel anxious, insecure, needy.

 

People often confuse the two... which is sad.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

All of your past relationships were bad. This one is already different. Embrace the possibility that different = better.

  • Like 1
thecrucible Established Member

thecrucible

Posted
Posted
Maybe or maybe not but it seems that you are used to drama and you confuse those feelings with chemistry. Maybe take a break from relationships now so you can approach them in a healthy way in the future.

 

It might be the case. It might not be. I agree with your advice if it is the case that she hasn't healed from her past.

 

I had an abusive ex, back when I was 18. I am no longer attracted to jerks.

 

But I also learned through gaining more experience in dating that I could meet a wonderful guy but we just aren't right for each other. for whatever reason Sometimes the stars don't align the way you want them to.

 

I would say to OP to give it a chance to develop but if after a few more months, she doesn't feel like she's falling for him then it could be that their relationship isn't meant to be. There's only so long you can go on with a relationship when either of you isn't feeling it.

thecrucible Established Member

thecrucible

Posted
Posted
Agree. Loving vs. Longing.

 

As Gaeta said, "love" is feeling calm, peaceful, secure.

 

On the other hand, "longing" which often times feels MORE intense, is a desire/craving for that which you DON'T have. You feel anxious, insecure, needy.

 

People often confuse the two... which is sad.

 

Very apt comment.

 

I think if I was really into someone it would be more like a comforting feeling knowing that they are there (the right kind of longing) than a high-stakes emotional high. When I've felt anxious about a guy (the wrong kind of longing) it starts to interfere with my daily routine. But when it's not anxious, the feeling doesn't hang over me all day but I'll get a nice feeling about seeing him.

DrReplyInRhymes Established Member

DrReplyInRhymes

Posted
Posted

Love, the word, is just a label we created,

For a feeling that is undefinable, but surely anticipated,

To try to define such an scope of emotion in a single four letter description,

Is like using a paper and pen when trying to crack a security's encryption.

 

Tis the same when people say they love their mother, or their child,

but have a slightly different feeling when finding someone to love in the wild,

It can grow to the same, that much is for certain and shown,

But that early mutter of love is unannounced affection being blown.

 

In other words, butterflies aren't a requirement for love, but it is a sign of attraction,

That doesn't mean the absence of butterflies means that he's just a distraction,

For some it's a reason to further your connection with this guy,

For others it may mean nothing, but you'd have to ask them for the reason why.

oberkeat Established Member

oberkeat

Posted
Posted (edited)
Seems like your brain is programmed to like the jerks you had in the past.

 

Maybe or maybe not but it seems that you are used to drama and you confuse those feelings with chemistry.

 

Isn't this the textbook example of why some women go for the bad boys that are not good for them?

 

Absolutely! A lot of women out there seem to only like men who act disinterested or who treat them with disrespect. A recent example:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/560721-strung-him-along-now-he-s-doing-same-me-should-i-just-move

 

It's a really twisted mindset imo. My guess is they find something exciting about the unpredictability of a dysfunctional relationship.

Edited by oberkeat
oberkeat Established Member

oberkeat

Posted
Posted (edited)

Young women these days want excitement from their men. And bad boys, alphas - whatever you want to call them - are exciting. The trouble is the sh*t they bring along with them. :rolleyes:

Edited by oberkeat
Truth34 Established Member

Truth34

Posted
Posted

It makes me sad to read situations like this.

Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted

You're not passionately in love.

 

But I am sure you have *grown * to love him. This type of love happens over time, and is different than falling head over heels; rather than fall fast, growing to love someone skips the infatuation phase.

 

So rather than falling hard for someone and falling *in* love, growing to love someone is basically when you fall very -gradually - and skip the butterflies and non stop thinking about them phase.

 

The majority of long term relationships that last are indeed just like the relationship you're in .

 

Most couples didn't have amazing, instant intense chemistry that made their knees week upon guest glancing at their partner. Most men aren't infatuated or enamoured or euphoric about their long term partners; this is because the people who cause us fall the hardest are rarely compatible or *right * for us in the long run.........

 

What do most long term couples feel? Well, most success relationships feel like this:

 

- you meet someone and you really like their character

-you may be instantly attracted although stronger attraction can take time to develop.

- you enjoy sex

- you have similay matched sex drives

- you have similar values

 

Most couples need to feel happy with as well as attracted to their partners.

 

Unfortunately, that head over heels feeling when you're REALLY into someone and their always on your mind, rarely happens with suitable partners. One reason for this phenomenon is that sparks and butterflies are usually associated with drama and uncertainty for example, it's SO COMMON for women to get the most wet over men who are elusive and hard to get.

 

It's extremely common to want those you can't have and to not feel fireworks with kind, like minded and suitable partners.

 

Honestly, the down fall to your stye of relationship is that there is a risk that one person WILL meet someone that they have intense chemistry with. *growing to love * doesn't generally feel like that person is the love of your life. It feels calm and comfortable; not intense or overwhelming. So partners who bypassed the giddy stage of limernence can often feel like something is *missing* in their relationships....... and they often feel at odds when they invariably DO meet someone who knocks their socks off...........

 

Pros and cons of growing to love someone devoid of butterflies and without being infatuated :

 

- it's less drama

- you're not as likely to obsess

- it's not as gut wrenching and all consuming when it ends

- it's usually much higher in compatability than more passionate relationships

- tends to last longer than intense relationships.

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