contel3 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 (edited) Since I have started dating again, I am seriously wondering if my expectations are too high. After a really bad relationship I made a checklist for my new potential partners: - no history of abusive relationships (or cheating) - treats people decently - no lies - no jealousy, not controlling - not arrogant - not racist (or sexist) - solid education - no psychological illnesses (this is negociable, if the person is medicated) - stable - polite - I must find him attractive - introduces me to his friends - wants to spend major events with me - doesn't treat me like an option - gives me presents (sounds weird, but for me giving presents is like saying "I love you". Doesn´t have to be anything big, a fruit from the supermarket is enough...it's mostly about the thought) - no exes lingering around - doesn't try to rush me into a relationship (I need more than two dates to know if I want to sleep with a guy. This is also negociable.) - has a life outside the relationship - respects me - no criminal record - no substance abuse (alkohol included) Since I've started applying these standards I've been weeding out more or less....everbody. Your thoughts? Would any of those be negoociable for you? Edited December 3, 2015 by contel3
Zippy2000 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Hey! Im ALL of the above except criminal record. lol Yes your expectrations are way too high!
PegNosePete Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 That mostly sounds like common sense to me. Although there's a couple... "Doesn't treat me as an option", well at the start of the relationship that's exactly what you are, and what he is to you. This contradicts with "doesn't try to rush me into a relationship". You can't have it both ways. Until you're in a relationship, you're options. That just life..."no exes lingering around" - well define lingering around. I have a friend who is best mates with his ex and her husband, and it's totally acceptable to all concerned. If by lingering around you mean unresolved feelings, then yes you're right. But being friends with an ex is not always bad.No history of abusive relationships or cheating, how are you going to judge this exactly? Abusers and cheaters lie, it's kind of in the definition. This is something you only find out after spending some time together, so you can't use it for an initial screening criteria. Obviously don't present your list to him on your first meeting! That would be a major turn-off and say control freak. A lot of them only come with time such as meeting friends and spending major events together so you just have to see how things go. But if he's polite and not arrogant and treats people decently, then you shouldn't have a problem, he will understand your need to meet his friends and spend holidays together. 3
lilmissjava Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Most of the time one quality will offset another. Although very desirable traits in a potential mate, you will have to consider at some point the logic of your standards. Everyone has an imbalance of qualities that we think we want. For example, you might meet someone that holds all or most of these qualities you desire, but he/she is not attractive. What do you do?
PogoStick Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Sounds like a young girl who has never been married, and believes she can find the perfect man. A relationship is more like: There are some things about him that make me feel crazy attracted to him. Can I handle/accept the **** I don't like about him?
justabottle Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Since I have started dating again, I am seriously wondering if my expectations are too high. After a really bad relationship I made a checklist for my new potential partners: - no history of abusive relationships (or cheating) - treats people decently - no lies - no jealousy, not controlling - not arrogant - not racist (or sexist) - solid education - no psychological illnesses (this is negociable, if the person is medicated) - stable - polite - I must find him attractive - introduces me to his friends - wants to spend major events with me - doesn't treat me like an option - gives me presents (sounds weird, but for me giving presents is like saying "I love you". Doesn´t have to be anything big, a fruit from the supermarket is enough...it's mostly about the thought) - no exes lingering around - doesn't try to rush me into a relationship (I need more than two dates to know if I want to sleep with a guy. This is also negociable.) - has a life outside the relationship - respects me - no criminal record - no substance abuse (alkohol included) Since I've started applying these standards I've been weeding out more or less....everbody. Your thoughts? Would any of those be negoociable for you? Sounds legit, but it becomes very exhaustive when you list out all your criteria. But, if you have this checklist for your partner, then you should also ensure that you check yourself against this checklist too. 1
BluEyeL Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 No, I have the same criteria and I found a man just like that, makes 100% of the list and more 2
SwordofFlame Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 It's not unreasonable if you have enough positive characteristics and qualities to offer in return. 1
kendahke Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I think it depends upon how long you're willing to spend by yourself until you find a man that hits every mark on this list. Whittle it down to 5 which are you "I will walk" bottom line. The rest, like the gift giving, is really a negotiable item, with you having to give up some trait about yourself that they may find offensive. Thing is: the perfect person doesn't exist. We're all fallible mortals. 1
Redhead14 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Since I have started dating again, I am seriously wondering if my expectations are too high. After a really bad relationship I made a checklist for my new potential partners: - no history of abusive relationships (or cheating) - treats people decently - no lies - no jealousy, not controlling - not arrogant - not racist (or sexist) - solid education - no psychological illnesses (this is negociable, if the person is medicated) - stable - polite - I must find him attractive - introduces me to his friends - wants to spend major events with me - doesn't treat me like an option - gives me presents (sounds weird, but for me giving presents is like saying "I love you". Doesn´t have to be anything big, a fruit from the supermarket is enough...it's mostly about the thought) - no exes lingering around - doesn't try to rush me into a relationship (I need more than two dates to know if I want to sleep with a guy. This is also negociable.) - has a life outside the relationship - respects me - no criminal record - no substance abuse (alkohol included) Since I've started applying these standards I've been weeding out more or less....everbody. Your thoughts? Would any of those be negoociable for you? Well, you do need to have your "make" or "breaks", however, if your building a comprehensive/all-inclusive list, you're trying to build the "perfect" man. Some of the things you've listed are not about those things -- the thing to focus on is not the mistakes they've made, it's about whether and how they've recovered from and moved on from them. And, if you spend your life looking for someone who is perfect and think you've found one . . . they won't have found the same thing. The bottomline is, no matter what a person's history is, if they are providing for and meeting your needs for respect, comfort, safety, trust and emotional bonding, they are at least good candidate for you. I'm not saying don't pay attention to the things you've listed, but just see how they are handling them and relating to and making you feel. I mean, don't automatically throw them to the curb because you've found something out. 1
oberkeat Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Since I have started dating again, I am seriously wondering if my expectations are too high. After a really bad relationship I made a checklist for my new potential partners: - no history of abusive relationships (or cheating) - treats people decently - no lies - no jealousy, not controlling - not arrogant - not racist (or sexist) - solid education - no psychological illnesses (this is negociable, if the person is medicated) - stable - polite - I must find him attractive - introduces me to his friends - wants to spend major events with me - doesn't treat me like an option - gives me presents (sounds weird, but for me giving presents is like saying "I love you". Doesn´t have to be anything big, a fruit from the supermarket is enough...it's mostly about the thought) - no exes lingering around - doesn't try to rush me into a relationship (I need more than two dates to know if I want to sleep with a guy. This is also negociable.) - has a life outside the relationship - respects me - no criminal record - no substance abuse (alkohol included) Since I've started applying these standards I've been weeding out more or less....everbody. Your thoughts? Would any of those be negoociable for you? I'm every one of those things, and I still can't find a woman who wants a relationship with me. Go figure.
smackie9 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 A lot of those are no brainers, and are on my list too, except I have zero tolerance for mental illness.....my husband fits the bill....keep looking you will find him. You are missing one....is financially in good standing.
xcupid Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 (edited) Do you want to stay single for the rest of your life? Way too unrealistic IMO. People come with baggage and usually an ex or two. You just have to decide whether you can live with their baggage. Edited December 3, 2015 by xcupid
BluEyeL Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 A lot of those are no brainers, and are on my list too, except I have zero tolerance for mental illness.....my husband fits the bill....keep looking you will find him. You are missing one....is financially in good standing. Yeah, OP is more tolerant than me. I won't negotiate staying with anyone with mental illness. In general, not looking to save anyone. The only thing that I was flexible about when I was searching was looks. I gave more than one date to multiple men even if I didn't have a ton of first date chemistry. I'd usually give 4-5 dates, because I strongly believe that looks have absolutely nothing to do with long term happiness. I dated tall, short, skinny, fat and everything in between. How they looked like was the least of my concerns. The other things on your list (including no sex until in a relationship) weren't negotiable at all!
smackie9 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Yeah, OP is more tolerant than me. I won't negotiate staying with anyone with mental illness. In general, not looking to save anyone. The only thing that I was flexible about when I was searching was looks. I gave more than one date to multiple men even if I didn't have a ton of first date chemistry. I'd usually give 4-5 dates, because I strongly believe that looks have absolutely nothing to do with long term happiness. I dated tall, short, skinny, fat and everything in between. How they looked like was the least of my concerns. The other things on your list (including no sex until in a relationship) weren't negotiable at all! I have dated short fat skinny tall what good looking is to others and unattractive too....BUT I did find them attractive at first sight. Me I cannot find someone attractive over time ever..... tried it and I ended up hurting them. **The OP even said that she must find them attractive, and what she finds attractive like ourselves, may not be to others. 2
Wewon Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 No, your expectations aren't too high. I would even go so far as to say that 75% of that list is a sign that you have a healthy level of self-respect. Then there are items that might turn into picking a nit when you try to apply it in real life; Not because they're bad but because they are open to interpretation. For example, I don't know how much of a issue I would make of meeting his friends, and simply saying that I'm sure that several people have different interpretations of how that will be applied. There's a difference between blatantly hiding someone from you and dragging you along on bowling night so that you can meet Ed the dentist, his college buddy. It sounds like I'm being a wiseguy but I can easily see this turning into a major blowout depending on how its interpreted and applied. Even by 2 reasonable people. So long are you're reasonable about those things I think that you will stay out of trouble. 1
BluEyeL Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I have dated short fat skinny tall what good looking is to others and unattractive too....BUT I did find them attractive at first sight. Me I cannot find someone attractive over time ever..... tried it and I ended up hurting them. **The OP even said that she must find them attractive, and what she finds attractive like ourselves, may not be to others. For me it was, if they didn't repel me at first sight, I was good to continue to interview them to find out the other facts. If it was "eff no!!", then i wouldn't. I did reject several men for reasons of "eff no!" at the first date. But I think that although it was apparently their looks that repelled me, in fact they just didn't compensate with personality enough to make themselves attractive. Attraction is a combination of the two. I later dated men who maybe didn't look much better than these people, but they were charming in other ways, or exuded kindness or intelligence, or ... something! I may have hurt some, but definitely the men I dumped after 1-3 months, I never did so for reasons of how they looked like. Usually, they won't be serious enough about me, had too many ex issues, inconsistent asking me out, not seeing me enough, being cray cray...stuff like that.
oberkeat Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 (edited) lol at this thread. Women reject men who meet all OP's "qualifications" all the time, saying some junk like, "I just didn't feel a spark." I'd be willing to bet most women would tolerate all the negatives if the guy's an alpha and makes her heart skip a beat. I see it all the time. Edited December 3, 2015 by oberkeat 3
Wewon Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 lol at this thread. Women reject men who meet all OP's "qualifications" all the time, saying some junk like, "I just didn't feel a spark." I'd be willing to bet most women would tolerate all the negatives if the guy's an alpha and makes her heart skip a beat. I see it all the time. I will say that I have seen this myself. We have all heard the couple recounting a relationship where the guy was "all wrong" but she overlooked it and proceeded anyway. So in that regard you have a good point. That being said, I've also known plenty of women that have come out of bad relationships and really took the time to understand and made choices based on hard earned wisdom and experience. Based on the OP it sounds like she actually considered this list and thought it through. 3
Ami1uwant Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Since I have started dating again, I am seriously wondering if my expectations are too high. After a really bad relationship I made a checklist for my new potential partners: - no history of abusive relationships (or cheating) - treats people decently - no lies - no jealousy, not controlling - not arrogant - not racist (or sexist) - solid education - no psychological illnesses (this is negociable, if the person is medicated) - stable - polite - I must find him attractive - introduces me to his friends - wants to spend major events with me - doesn't treat me like an option - gives me presents (sounds weird, but for me giving presents is like saying "I love you". Doesn´t have to be anything big, a fruit from the supermarket is enough...it's mostly about the thought) - no exes lingering around - doesn't try to rush me into a relationship (I need more than two dates to know if I want to sleep with a guy. This is also negociable.) - has a life outside the relationship - respects me - no criminal record - no substance abuse (alkohol included) Since I've started applying these standards I've been weeding out more or less....everbody. Your thoughts? Would any of those be negoociable for you? Some have already mentioned this above..... There are some things that are naturally obvious that everyone wants like them not being an abuser or cheater. Some things you just aren't going to find out in the first 3-5 dates if they have these things. Some of these are contradictory early on in a relationship where you want his full involvement with you but you want him yo have a life outside of you but you don't want to be just SN option, but you don't want yo rush in and decided if thus is a relationship. I'm unsure how old you are....but lingering exs can be a factor, especially if they had a child together. Some stay friends with exes. So e realize that they have some fundamental differences when it comes to living together/intimacy that you don't deal with in friendship. Some examples are one wants kids the other doesn't, religious differences, that are very different styles when living together that complicates things like one is a messy person while the other is a neat freak, there are other characteristics that some are fine with but eith others they grate. Your list really should be Non negotiable core beliefs or wants ( religion, wanting kids, someone who isn't an alcoholic, etc) Nice qualities to have...you make a list. Someone will not meet all if it....you want someone who meets 6/7 out of 10 Some shared interest...there are some interests you really need someone who us fine with it (don't have to love it), then there are some interests you have that your partner needs to like and be involved with as well because in a relationship it will cause problems. Some of these might be you are into hunting and owning guns...this will be An issue if they don't want guns in the home. You have a love of nature and like to do a couple weekend camping trips ...it's your way to relax and recharge....your partner may not want any part. Let's be honest, how much does looks matter and are you judging based on profile pics? Some just do t look the same in person as in their profile. Are you being realistic with yourself where you want someone very attractive but you yourself are not as attractive....thus you are stepping outside your league.
sandylee1 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Since I have started dating again, I am seriously wondering if my expectations are too high. After a really bad relationship I made a checklist for my new potential partners: - no history of abusive relationships (or cheating) - treats people decently - no lies - no jealousy, not controlling - not arrogant - not racist (or sexist) - solid education - no psychological illnesses (this is negociable, if the person is medicated) - stable - polite - I must find him attractive - introduces me to his friends - wants to spend major events with me - doesn't treat me like an option - gives me presents (sounds weird, but for me giving presents is like saying "I love you". Doesn´t have to be anything big, a fruit from the supermarket is enough...it's mostly about the thought) - no exes lingering around - doesn't try to rush me into a relationship (I need more than two dates to know if I want to sleep with a guy. This is also negociable.) - has a life outside the relationship - respects me - no criminal record - no substance abuse (alkohol included) Since I've started applying these standards I've been weeding out more or less....everbody. Your thoughts? Would any of those be negoociable for you? This made me laugh a bit. I'd say my husband meets all those things on your list and more ........although he could buy me more presents ☺ It's usually just birthday /Christmas /Anniversary and valentines day. He's not one for suprise gifts.... that's more my thing....but you can't have it all in life and I'm not perfect myself. All of the things on your list are reasonable... but....I'll pick up on three things..... You can't expect to be introduced to his friends straight away.. .. he has to get to know you better and spend time with you and vice versa. The presents. .... again wait a little before expecting these things.... but accept that buying gifts isn't everyone's thing. If he shows love in other ways.... that's fine. Major events... depends on how long you've been dating. I'd been with my husband for over a year and didn't spend Christmas with him. I spend that time with family. Everything else on your list is great. Focusing on the person and their qualities is important. 1
Toodaloo Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I think your list is reasonable... Personally I have a few extras on mine. I manage to still find dates that fit in there somewhere... When I find out they don't its next and move on (after a bit of quite sobbing in the broom cupboard so no one can see...) Keep at it - they are out there. Do not make that list any smaller! 1
oberkeat Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 (edited) lol at this thread. Women reject men who meet all OP's "qualifications" all the time, saying some junk like, "I just didn't feel a spark." I'd be willing to bet most women would tolerate all the negatives if the guy's an alpha and makes her heart skip a beat. I see it all the time. I will say that I have seen this myself. We have all heard the couple recounting a relationship where the guy was "all wrong" but she overlooked it and proceeded anyway. So in that regard you have a good point. Yeah, I know women who have done it repeatedly. This one woman I was talking to has had a series of relationships that ended in disaster because the dude was no good to begin with (drugs, kids from a previous relationship, and ex lurking in the background, dropped out of college, etc). But she dated him because he was "exciting". :rolleyes: While in the relationship she complained that there was always drama, always headaches with this guy. Yet when a nice stable polite guy, like this architect she met, tries to score a date with her, she always turns them down and hooks up with the exact type of deadbeats she just ended a relationship with, and the cycle starts all over again. I'm like, "Well, don't you think maybe you would stop dating a**holes?" Does no good, though. I think deep down most women care nothing about anything that's on this list. All that matters is "spark", "excitement". Edited December 3, 2015 by oberkeat
Recommended Posts