LTR Breakup

[Mugen]

After six years dating someone, I decided that enough was enough.

 

You see, the first six months were exceptionally great. Exceptional. Then slowly she started getting angry. She has ADD and I think maybe this causes her to have emotional outbursts when she's stressed, I'm not sure. We started dating at 25. During her undergrad and my grad program.

 

I started helping her with her courses, one that I had taught several times, and she'd be so angry at me for telling her that she was wrong. Maybe I had too high expectations for her, I don't know.

 

Eventually her anger caused me to withdraw. Before I could forgive, it seemed to happen again. We started living our lives through these high and lows. When she was happy, she was so loving. Bakes for me, cooks for me, does my laundry (I cook too! Very well and do the dishes and **** too).. but when she was angry, there was no communication. I tried and she would be angry. We never resolved anything.

 

I would just let her anger pass, try to talk about it later and she took this as a sign of me bringing up old fights. We would have make up sex and move on. I just kept taking it in, and then resenting. Finally, she asked me why I didn't give input into decisions (such as buying pots/pans because they were going to last a year, I should have input) and it finally came pouring out of me.

 

Told her I didn't see a happy future for us, so I hated dealing with topics of our future. This sparked it all, went home and we talked and it was hard to say to her, but that at one point I loved her and now I don't feel that way. That I had this view of my life and it was with someone happy and full of love like I am, and this anger is too much. That she's pushed me away and broke my heart and I can't forgive her or move on any more.

 

I'm staying at an apartment with two girls right now who let me crash their place and I've gotten a handful of things, but I haven't moved all my things out yet.

 

She doesn't want me to sign a lease. She wants to get counseling and has told me that she now sees how ****ed up she was to me. That she understands how I feel that way, but that I am the love of her life. That I am the best man she has ever known and that she hates herself for ****ing it up. She is balling her eyes out and shaking. Saying only 'please don't do this' the first day after the break down. It's been 4-5 days and she is pleading for me to not sign a lease. She wants to get couple counseling as well as her own anger management counseling. I am going to get some myself because I don't forgive.

 

Honestly, I don't know if I'm making the right decision in life. I just know that I've been unhappy for a couple of years and I've tried to get her to see how mean and aggressive she can be. It took until this for her to listen to me. I'm afraid I'll never find a girl who loves me as much as her nor who is as honest and loyal, but those aren't reasons to stay with someone. I do care about her, but that feeling of love has been smothered with the weight of my unhappiness and resentment.

 

I don't even know what my questions really are, maybe I'm just here to write my thoughts down. I guess my questions would be: How do I know if I'm making the right decision with this? Are there come backs from years of fighting? Do people really change much even with counseling? I want to be there for her, but I want to do what's best for her. Do I go NC or do I let her decide if she wants NC or wants to keep talking to me? Maybe I need NC because I can't handle the begging and negotiations any longer. What are my friends going to say? What are my family going to say? She was nice to them of course, and I didn't talk about my problems with them. She isolated me by getting mad if I talked about stuff with my family/friends because she thought I was painting her in a bad light to them. They thought we were so in love because how much she loved me and how good I can put a smile on. They didn't see the hour fight on the way to their place.

 

Thanks for listening folks, and any advice is aweeesome!

[kendahke]

Sign the lease.

 

She needs to go handle her issues--she needed to go handle her issues a long, long time ago, but didn't do it until you you made a move to leave. That means she's doing this to preserve what she wants, not that she wants to be better. That's manipulation. She didn't have a problem acting like this while she thought you were there to take her abuse. Now, you're not; you've upset her apple cart and she's scrambling to stop the apples from rolling off into the street.

 

She doesn't need a boyfriend/fiance: she needs a therapist. You can't be that. The amount of therapy she needs to resolve this may take more time than is reasonable to allot. Going back to her is rewarding her for her behavior and sending the exact opposite message than the one that needs to be taking place.

 

Fighting gets really old, really fast. It is indicative of an inability to rationally and calmly discuss matters so that they can be resolved. That is something a 30-something year old woman should be able to do, not fight like a 15 yr old.

 

It is far better to have peace in your heart, mind and home than to placate someone who is emotionally manipulating you just so she can have her way.

 

Stop worrying about what people are going to say. Unless they are in a relationship with her, they don't know what you've had to deal with for 5 years. It's you who, at the end of the day, has to find peace, not them. They go back to the ones they're with and you and your girlfriend are far from their thoughts. IMO, you should end things with her, get your stuff from her house, sign the lease, go NC and go through the grief process to get to the other side of it. You probably will find someone who will love you better than she did and does it from a far healthier place.

Edited December 2, 2015 by kendahke

[LoveRefreshed]

I agree with Kendahke here. Sign the lease and move on. It seems she didn't change when you gave her the chances earlier, and unlikely to change at this age. She sounds like she's only saying these things to keep you around. I'd not believe a word of it.

[kassy]

Sign the lease.

 

You don't deserve to be unhappy for years. No one will choose that. Having been single for a while I can tell you it's better than a bad relationship. Take time to sort yourself out, deal with the anger issues and forgiving, go enjoy yourself - take time to get to know yourself as a happy person who enjoys their life and does things that make them happy. It will take time to grieve the relationship. But you'll end up with more self awareness and the skills to have a happier more successful relationship in the future.

 

Sign the lease and go NC.

 

Who cares what others think. Tell your family it wasn't going well and you have been unhappy for years and leave it at that.

[xcupid]

You're unhappy with the relationship the way it is and you don't know if it will get better even if she does get help. Take a break from her.

[smackie9]

Yup I agree....sign the lease. She needs a wake up call....she needs to take responsibility for her own mental health issues and the best way for therapy to work is for her to not be in a relationship.

[LostOnes05]

I dunno bro. You've been with her for 6 years!! It's really hard finding someone that is honest and loyal these days. If she is actually willing to work on herself, then stick it out. BUT make sure she is absolutely clear that if she has any of these blow ups again, you're gone for good. It's pretty clear to her now that you will walk if she doesn't try to change. Is/Was marriage anywhere on the horizon (pending this situation)??

 

To be honest, I have friends that are married and go through periods like this...it happens. You could be with someone for 5,10, 20 years and they cheat and you've invested two decades of your life at that point only to start over...relationships are always uncertain. I'm not saying be miserable, but if she is putting forth a concerted effort give her a chance to do so. As long as a woman hasn't cheated on me or gotten physical, we can work through the other crap that comes up in relationships. Stay in limited contact with her and work through it...but again she has to put in the effort. Get counseling and take it a day at a time. I'd sign a lease for the next year or so to give you the space you need. Date her again (as in meet up or pick her up to do fun things together again), with the understanding that you are working on rebuilding yourselves and the relationship. Best of luck!!

[Mugen]

I dunno bro. You've been with her for 6 years!! It's really hard finding someone that is honest and loyal these days. If she is actually willing to work on herself, then stick it out. BUT make sure she is absolutely clear that if she has any of these blow ups again, you're gone for good. It's pretty clear to her now that you will walk if she doesn't try to change. Is/Was marriage anywhere on the horizon (pending this situation)??

 

To be honest, I have friends that are married and go through periods like this...it happens. You could be with someone for 5,10, 20 years and they cheat and you've invested two decades of your life at that point only to start over...relationships are always uncertain. I'm not saying be miserable, but if she is putting forth a concerted effort give her a chance to do so. As long as a woman hasn't cheated on me or gotten physical, we can work through the other crap that comes up in relationships. Stay in limited contact with her and work through it...but again she has to put in the effort. Get counseling and take it a day at a time. I'd sign a lease for the next year or so to give you the space you need. Date her again (as in meet up or pick her up to do fun things together again), with the understanding that you are working on rebuilding yourselves and the relationship. Best of luck!!

 

Well, around our 2nd year together, she pushed to live with me and I was already concerned but basically let her emotionally blackmail me a little through threats of leaving me otherwise (packaged more in the well if you're not rdy to move forward I'm leaving way) so I told her it wasn't a time line... that I wouldn't be proposing in a year... year later guess what she was pushing for?

 

Anyway, at that point in my life, I wasn't emotionally aware and didn't know why but I couldn't marry or think about it because of how resentful I already was from 3 years of it. So marriage was discussed but mostly that I wasn't ready.

 

About last year is when I grew emotionally from reading and talking to a few good friends and approaches her problems. We spent 7 months in LDR and we were suppose to fix ourselves but it seems she didn't. When in returned it's been about 3 big blow ups in 6 months. While I agree that arguing and disagreements are normal, there is a certain amount of respect and maturity I expect from my partner.

 

During some of pur arguments, she has called me worthless useless and a waste of space because I hung her clothes to dry instead of spending another 1.50 to redry damp clothes. She has punched me in a few cases and in one of them I literally had to take her down to the bed and hold her until she stopped swinging (first physical fight) but since then I have been punched and slapped a few times and I have even grabbed her by the neck and told her to calm down I hate myself for it. We have had 4 physical altercations.

 

I think everyone else is right. I need to get away and see what healthy is.

[Downtown]

Mugen, I agree with the other respondents that you should sign the lease. Importantly, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., event-triggered irrational anger, controlling behavior, hating to be alone, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Moreover, the repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of having strong traits of BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD.

 

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

Learning to spot these warning signs, however, will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful experience -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left.

 

When I returned it's been about 3 big blow ups in 6 months.

Likewise, my BPDer exW would throw temper tantrums every 6 to 8 weeks. Ironically, with BPDers, the very WORST fights typically occur immediately after the very BEST of times. This occurs because, although they crave intimacy like nearly everyone else, they can tolerate it only for brief periods. Because they have fragile, weak egos, during intimacy they will quickly start feeling like they are losing their identity into your strong personality -- and feeling like you are controlling or suffocating them.

 

She has punched me in a few cases.... since then I have been punched and slapped a few times.... We have had 4 physical altercations.

Intense, inappropriate anger is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. If your exGF is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that TRIGGERS a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

She has ADD.

Some psychologists believe adult ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) may be the same thing as -- or perhaps a subset of -- BPD (see, e.g., Adult ADHD and BPD).

 

Do people really change much even with counseling?

If she has strong BPD traits, couples counseling likely will be a total waste of time because her issues go far beyond a simple lack of communication skills. Until she has had at least several years of IC (individual counseling), MC is not likely to be helpful.

 

On the contrary, untreated BPDers typically use MC as a stage on which to beat you up, playing out their role of "The Victim" with an audience (the counselor). As to IC, it is rare for a BPDer to have sufficient self awareness and ego strength to be willing to stay in therapy long enough to make a real difference.

 

Hence, if you ever feel inclined to take her back, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with. I also suggest you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Mugen.