Relationship with a widower

[ABCgo]

Hi, I have been seeing a widower for over a year and a half now, his wife died suddenly around 3 years ago. According to him they had not had agreat relationship in the latter years & had been thinking of separating. He’sin his 50s and has 2 older children who still live at home. I’m late 40s divorced with an adult child who lives at home

 

 

At the beginning of our relationship I understood that it was difficult and awkward for him, at first it was a secret, then after around 6 months his children (18 & 20) became aware, but they didn’t particularly like it. Gradually things improved, from grabbing a few hours here & there & never being ableto make plans, to going on holiday for a few days together during the year & evenings out etc.

 

 

But a few things have never changed - we never spend the night together, ie he never stays over at my house, perhaps only twice in a year and a half. Also I have not been to his house, well maybe a couple of times to drop something off for him, but never to spend time with him, this is because his children wouldn't like it. Also with our 2nd Christmas of being together looming I know again that we will not spend any days together at Xmas, that’s not just Xmas day, but probably any day between 22-29th

 

 

I try to focus on the positive, that I’m with someone who I love, whose company I enjoy, and that the alternative would be being alone, but I yearn for the normal things in a relationship, staying over night with him, spending a day at Xmas together. He says it is difficult, that it all feels awkward for him, that he is trying to keep 2 separate worlds happy who are pulling him in different directions & this is the best he can do. I find it so hard & don’t know if after 1.5 years what I feel is unreasonable, I don’t seem to be able to find a way to live in the moment & enjoy what I do have,rather than focusing on what I don’t. Any thoughts or similar experiences would be great to hear.

[d0nnivain]

Why not ask him if your two families can do something Christmas-y perhaps on the 26th? Stay away from real traditional but maybe see a Christmas show or something. Go sleigh riding. Ask them about their traditions with their mom. Show you are not trying to take her place.

 

You may have to bring all the kids into this gradually. Remember, they are missing their mom & all this change is tough on them too. You kind of have to be the grown up here.