Temeriti Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Okay. First time poster here, go easy on me. My boyfriend and I got together at the very end of July. It was instantaneous, I'd only been in the state two days and we were inseparable from the day we met on. Our relationship was absolutely incredible - I've never been so happy and neither has he. We'd already been talking marriage and forever, and moved in together in mid-September. Then in the last day or two of September, he was hit by a depressive episode. I had no idea how to handle it, and even though he told me it had nothing to do with me, the complete 180 he pulled on me gave me a total mindfu--. I lost 12 pounds in two weeks, wasn't sleeping, etc. I've tried to just be there for him, and give him space, but I'm afraid I'm way more of a communicator than he is and just letting it go ain't really my style. We've talked things to death and back with very little change. Now... He is slowly but surely coming out of it, but I'm so emotionally fried that I'm still not really dealing very well. Fast forward to this weekend. He's from Texas and left yesterday for two days to decompress and visit his mom/friends. Thursday night we had a pretty big...hm, I don't wanna say fight, but I got tired of his rejection and feeling unwanted and told him so. I ended up crying and telling him I'd get as much as I could out of the house before he got back but would need help with the larger stuff. He told me I was being overdramatic, his voice broke, he grabbed me and clung to me all night. Yesterday we had a great day before he left and no, we didn't touch on anything from the night before. But he was affectionate and telling me he loved me constantly and it was almost like he was himself again. Last night he texted me when he landed, but that's it. Didn't text me goodnight or I love you, nothing. I'm trying, really trying, to tell myself that he's visiting family and friends and his not texting last night doesn't mean anything...but the contact thing is huge for me, he knows that, we've talked his contact withdrawal the past five weeks to death, so...I guess what I'm asking is am I freaking out too much too soon? It's our first night apart since mid-September and I'm reading so damn much into his not even saying goodnight or anything that I'm about to bawl like a dang baby. Part of me realizes the only reason I'm losing it like this is because of aforementioned emotional fried-ness and the fact that I'm feeling insecure. I haven't texted him, told myself I wouldn't "bug him" while he was gone, but I'm freaking a bit here.
Buddhist Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Okay I'm going to tell you something upsetting here but I think you need to consider it. This pattern of behaviour sounds awfully like borderline personality disorder or bipolar. Normal relationships don't start off incredibly intense like that with no separation at all, and they certainly don't go total separation overnight. This is not following a regular pattern of normal human relating. The fact you called it a depressive episode kind of tells me he's no stranger to this cycle and probably told you about it. But what you need to consider is has he had a diagnosis and has he been suggested any kind of treatment for it? Because without that, your relationship has little chance of being anything other than what you've experienced, a fatiguing emotional rollercoaster that puts you on edge. People with mood disorders often do seem charmingly attached in the very early stages of relationship. It is different to the norm and for someone who longs for love, it can be beguiling. But it's different for a reason, there's an underlying problem that disrupts normal relating and healthy relationships. 7
Glitters Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 This can't be put gently but you guys rushed way too fast in having a relationship and more so on moving in together. He might have realized it later and could have freaked out and tried to get away by saying it was depression. Its very easy to get swayed away by intense emotions in the very beginning of a new relationship.The faster it moves, the faster it crashes.Once he is back,take a grip and slow down.Move out ,get to know each other ,slowly. 5
smackie9 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Have you not heard of the honeymoon stage of a relationship?? It's the infatuation stage where you are so high on each other you talk about the marriage thing, etc. Sorry but I have some bad news for you....the talk of marriage is just talk, that is all it is and should never ever be taken as a promise or a for sure thing. Also...are you crazy?? move in together after only knowing each other for a month and a half???? It's no wonder he's flip floppin. He's in a panic because he is losing his freedom and I don't blame him. He shot himself in the foot for being so caught up in the rush, so now he is freakin out. You want to save this relationship? don't live together! give him back his freedom and he will settle down. 2
Author Temeriti Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 (edited) I appreciate the advice. But we've talked about that. I've broached the topic and he's repeatedly stated he doesn't want me to move out, that it isn't me, that he'll "pull the stick outta his ass eventually." He used to take depression medication but said it had the zombie effect on him. As far as relationships not starting out super intense...generally I'd agree, but this one...hm. It wasn't like all heat and no substance - it's hard to explain, and I get your concern, but... not the point. I'm kinda asking a completely different question. *facepalm* I get it. Y'all think we moved in together too fast. He has plenty of "freedom", I'm not like up his ass or anything. Geez. Edited November 7, 2015 by Temeriti
hippychick3 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 The only healthy and solid way to get to the level of intimacy you guys are in now is time which you have not had. No amount of texting, talking, dating, sex, or even living together without the appropriate span of time will get you to the relationship point YOU are at in your mind. You two have not had a fraction of the time together necessary to reach this stage. Reality has set in for him (even if it's subconscious), and he's reacting to that. He realizes he isn't ready for this stage yet (as no man really is this soon). 1
Gaeta Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 *facepalm* I get it. Y'all think we moved in together too fast. He has plenty of "freedom", I'm not like up his ass or anything. Geez. It has nothing to do with giving him space. It's the principal of 'living with someone' that makes him feel uneasy. It means the door is closed for other opportunities, it means the chase is over, and for a man it's a long process and your boyfriend did not go through. It's not because a man wants us to live with them that we have to blindly accept it and assume he's fully ready for it. This man didn't have to work very hard for you. I love chocolate cake and if you put a big one in front of me I will be very excited at first and will eat half of it in a hurry because it's SO good but what will happen after? Too much too soon and I will feel sick of it. Same thing with dating.
Author Temeriti Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 Okay...it was all HIS idea. HE pushed for us to move in together. So do I now move out because people on the internet told me he wasn't ready for it? I'm not trying to be disrespectful or crap on your advice. I appreciate it, I do, but I've asked him before and he swears up and down it isn't me and he wants me living with him and got choked up and emotional when I said I should leave. I kinda have to go with what he says on this one. His issues stem from his dad, whom he moved out here to build a relationship with and works for. The episode triggered after we'd spent some time at an event with them, and now that his dad is kinda starting to treat him like a human being, it's receding.
Odinani Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 So many red flags here. Only met in July but moving in together and talking marriage by September? That's too fast And what is this depressive episode? Is he bipolar? Clinically depressed? Did he warn you about this illness beforehand?
Author Temeriti Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 It has nothing to do with giving him space. It's the principal of 'living with someone' that makes him feel uneasy. It means the door is closed for other opportunities, it means the chase is over, and for a man it's a long process and your boyfriend did not go through. It's not because a man wants us to live with them that we have to blindly accept it and assume he's fully ready for it. This man didn't have to work very hard for you. I love chocolate cake and if you put a big one in front of me I will be very excited at first and will eat half of it in a hurry because it's SO good but what will happen after? Too much too soon and I will feel sick of it. Same thing with dating. I get that, to some degree...but where does that leave us now? I ignore what he says and move out?
Author Temeriti Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 So many red flags here. Only met in July but moving in together and talking marriage by September? That's too fast And what is this depressive episode? Is he bipolar? Clinically depressed? Did he warn you about this illness beforehand? He did not. I talked to his friends and they were like, "Yeah, he goes through this sometimes." So that was a big thanks for the heads up conversation. He was diagnosed with depression but the meds made him zombie like, he says, sooooo... All y'all can say it's too fast and I understand why you'd say that (obviously )...but my aunt was with my uncle for a month before they moved in together and they've been married 12 years now. Same with my dad and his girlfriend, together 15 years.
Redhead14 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Okay. First time poster here, go easy on me. My boyfriend and I got together at the very end of July. It was instantaneous, I'd only been in the state two days and we were inseparable from the day we met on. Our relationship was absolutely incredible - I've never been so happy and neither has he. We'd already been talking marriage and forever, and moved in together in mid-September. Then in the last day or two of September, he was hit by a depressive episode. I had no idea how to handle it, and even though he told me it had nothing to do with me, the complete 180 he pulled on me gave me a total mindfu--. I lost 12 pounds in two weeks, wasn't sleeping, etc. I've tried to just be there for him, and give him space, but I'm afraid I'm way more of a communicator than he is and just letting it go ain't really my style. We've talked things to death and back with very little change. Now... He is slowly but surely coming out of it, but I'm so emotionally fried that I'm still not really dealing very well. Fast forward to this weekend. He's from Texas and left yesterday for two days to decompress and visit his mom/friends. Thursday night we had a pretty big...hm, I don't wanna say fight, but I got tired of his rejection and feeling unwanted and told him so. I ended up crying and telling him I'd get as much as I could out of the house before he got back but would need help with the larger stuff. He told me I was being overdramatic, his voice broke, he grabbed me and clung to me all night. Yesterday we had a great day before he left and no, we didn't touch on anything from the night before. But he was affectionate and telling me he loved me constantly and it was almost like he was himself again. Last night he texted me when he landed, but that's it. Didn't text me goodnight or I love you, nothing. I'm trying, really trying, to tell myself that he's visiting family and friends and his not texting last night doesn't mean anything...but the contact thing is huge for me, he knows that, we've talked his contact withdrawal the past five weeks to death, so...I guess what I'm asking is am I freaking out too much too soon? It's our first night apart since mid-September and I'm reading so damn much into his not even saying goodnight or anything that I'm about to bawl like a dang baby. Part of me realizes the only reason I'm losing it like this is because of aforementioned emotional fried-ness and the fact that I'm feeling insecure. I haven't texted him, told myself I wouldn't "bug him" while he was gone, but I'm freaking a bit here. First of all, you've gotta get a grip on yourself. You cannot be any help to him if you are stressed and depressed too. Secondly, this all moved way too fast. He's overwhelmed. You need to simply tell him you are "there" for him and let him do what he needs to do. He cannot pull himself out of it if he's worrying about you too and feeling guilty. Thirdly, if you don't hear from him for a few days, it's ok to reach out in a light supportive way and let it be. Keep yourself focused on you and do things you want and need to do. 2
Author Temeriti Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 THANK you!! ���� (That's sposed to be a thumbs up.) 1
Gaeta Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I get that, to some degree...but where does that leave us now? I ignore what he says and move out? I would. When a man skips all level of dating and wants to jump right into a relationship including moving in it's not love, it's emotional dependency. He doesn't know that, and he can swear all he wants his feelings are genuine. It is what it is and now you see the results. You moved in before knowing who was this person. There is a logic reason why 'dating' exists. It's to get to know one another. If you skip this step then you end up with situations like yours. 5
smackie9 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 OK now that it's clear that he DOES have a mental health issue, then it boils down to HIS lack of responsibility to deal with his depression by following up with treatment and therapy. You can give him two choices....get help or get the f out. 2
smackie9 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I would. When a man skips all level of dating and wants to jump right into a relationship including moving in it's not love, it's emotional dependency. He doesn't know that, and he can swear all he wants his feelings are genuine. It is what it is and now you see the results. You moved in before knowing who was this person. There is a logic reason why 'dating' exists. It's to get to know one another. If you skip this step then you end up with situations like yours. ^^^THIS! got my two thumbs up. 4
d0nnivain Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Because you don't think you moved in too fast, it doesn't really matter than most of us think you did. Fact remains you are in this situation now. Personally, I'd sit on my hands if I were you. He went home. Either to deal with his depression, lick his wounds, re-evaluate your relationship, deal with whatever daddy issues he has, or just because he wants a Lonestar beer. Point is, he is presently out of your apartment. You do nothing. Don't call him. Don't e-mail him. Don't text him. Try to stay off his social media. If you must check, fine but do not post not even to like something. Until he reaches out to you -- he gets radio silence from you. Meanwhile keep yourself busy. Call a friend. Clean out your closet. Go for a run. Plan your Thanksgiving menu. Make a list of holiday gifts you need. Rearrange the furniture. Go on a cleaning binge. Just be active. But do not contact him. Think about how you will proceed if he doesn't come back, if he comes back & says he wants to break up, if he comes back & kicks you out or if he comes back & wants to act like everything is fine & dandy. Go through each of those scenarios in your head so you have a game plan. If the answer is he wants to come back & pretend it's all honkey dorey think about how you will prevent this from happening again. 1
Author Temeriti Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 So let's pretend for a minute that moving out is not a possibility (and by "pretend" I mean, it ain't a possibility at the moment or for the foreseeable future): what advice would you give someone who, however foolishly, was committed to this situation? Right now I'm diggin the "get a grip" advice from the first page.
Buddhist Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 He did not. I talked to his friends and they were like, "Yeah, he goes through this sometimes." So that was a big thanks for the heads up conversation. He was diagnosed with depression but the meds made him zombie like, he says, sooooo... And having depressive episodes is actually better? I'm not sure what your point in posting this thread was exactly as you seem to be denying every bit of advice offered. Did you just want us all to reassure you that everything is fine, it's all completely normal and you should stick with it? Sure we can do that but we'd be lying if we did. So I'll just point out the facts here... - Your boyfriend has a depressive disorder of some description that he's in denial about and refusing treatment for. Doesn't sound like stable relationship material to me. - You two moving in together has triggered a major depressive episode. Five weeks is major, so is basically ignoring you for the entire time. You can tell us its all about his dad, I'm sure you believed him when he told you that too. But moving in together is a major stressor that completely healthy people also find difficult. Your boyfriend is in a delicate mental state to begin with. I will bet money this speed train of a relationship is the real trigger. - If all of this was just fine and dandy you wouldn't be posting on the internet about how emotionally drained you feel right now with a large dose of anxiety. - No, this relationship development is in no way normal. It's short cutting a lot of the important work in being in relationship like getting to know each other, having personal space and gradually allowing feelings to develop. - Depressives are clingy, they have a great need to feel loved. Which is why he's insisting you move in together in this early stage, you stay with him and don't move out and that this relationship is something he desperately wants to stay like this. That isn't a healthy dynamic. Best of luck with this one. 2
smackie9 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 BTW OP don't face palm the advice given if you didn't give us absolute complete proper details in your opening post. *he was the one who insisted on living together *I give him his space needed *he has a history of depression *he tried taking medication but it failed *his friends know he has episodes of running away/shutting down Leaving out crucial info to manipulate the advice is not very helpful to you.
Author Temeriti Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 BTW OP don't face palm the advice given if you didn't give us absolute complete proper details in your opening post. *he was the one who insisted on living together *I give him his space needed *he has a history of depression *he tried taking medication but it failed *his friends know he has episodes of running away/shutting down Leaving out crucial info to manipulate the advice is not very helpful to you. Definitely was not intentional, I'm not used to the whole forum posting thing. Sorry. :-/ 1
smackie9 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I don't think you should "get a grip". This person is pulling you in different directions emotionally due to his own issues. It unfairly hurting and confusing you. Starting a new relationsip is supposed to be a pleasant experience, not one of emotional torture. He needs to OWN IT, and get help, not run away from it. I think you are getting a raw deal, and YOU shouldn't have to suck it up and let him get away with it. All you are doing is enabling his choice not to actually do something about it. Don't you dare give him all the control on how it all plays out. You need to have a voice in this. 1
Author Temeriti Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 I don't think you should "get a grip". This person is pulling you in different directions emotionally due to his own issues. It unfairly hurting and confusing you. Starting a new relationsip is supposed to be a pleasant experience, not one of emotional torture. He needs to OWN IT, and get help, not run away from it. I think you are getting a raw deal, and YOU shouldn't have to suck it up and let him get away with it. All you are doing is enabling his choice not to actually do something about it. Don't you dare give him all the control on how it all plays out. You need to have a voice in this. And I agree. The last "thing" we had on Thursday was because I finally said I've had enough...it seemed like it might've actually sunken in, because on Friday he was damn near himself again. Then went radio silent. But he's home and around friends and family he hasn't seen in awhiiiiiile, so this is the part I'm working on getting a grip about.
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