I was a rebound and now I'm a wreck!

[slider1985]

I met agirl online 7 weeks fresh out of an 8 year relationship. She is 31 years old, they owned and livedtogether. He is still in the picture,and currently separating their assets. Shetold me he broke up with her and that this all came as a huge surprise. She is a complete mess at this point. When we’re together she does a decent job ofnot bringing the baggage however I notice she’s depressed. I recently learned that she’s on anti-depressants,anxiety, and sleeping pills. I knew therisks of getting involved with her however I thought I had the situation under control.

 

We dated for 3 months and Ihave to admit things moved quickly because we saw each other way too often. She came on full force and frequentcommunication. I normally don’t seesomeone so often in the early stages but there was an immediate connection and Ienjoyed being with her. We talked for hours every night. It was obvious that I was replacing the voidin her life.

I knew therisks of what I was getting into. I told myself this was just fun and not toget attached. Since I didn’t have much else on the go, nothing to do, and I wasenjoying my time with her I made myself available.

 

 

She was always honest, genuine, and transparent. She finally revealed at somepoint she was always hoping her BF would come back. They are on good terms andstill speak but its over because he's buying her out of the house.

She wasconstantly hot and cold with me. She wouldn’tshow affection in public, didn’t want to hold hands. She told me she’s never been with another guyand that she felt like she was betraying her ex BF. Other times I felt like she was infatuatedwith me. Would talk to her family aboutme etc.

 

 

Anyhow, it’sobvious she’s not ready to date. The final 2 weeks she became distant and I noticed she was aggressively active onlinehowever I know she spent most of her time with me. Also, there were instances where shementioned she didn’t want to lose me to another girl and then other times whereshe hinted that she is starting to enjoy the single life.

 

 

I becamevery insecure and so I tried talking to her about what her intentions are and Iwas prepared to end it.

She becameupset and did not want to talk about it. I could barely get start theconversation before she got up and went to take a shower. I ended it because Iwas falling for her and I didn’t want to be the fallout guy. The guy that wasgoing to be a crutch for her to get over her ex BF and then dump me months downthe road. I also pulled the trigger because I had a gut feeling she was goingto end things soon. However I feel like I could have played this differently?

 

 

I feel wenever had closure. There was NC forseveral days so I sent her an msg apologizing for making her feel pressure and overwhelmedwhich was not my intention. I wasfeeling confused because I like her and she was being distant. I told her that “I was happy we met and whenthing settle down feel free to reach out.”

She respondedwith a msg” Hey D, thank you for your msg. I’m sorry I haven’t reached out, it’s been tough. I just don’t know where my head is at.”

 

 

It’s been3 weeks since NC. I know she’s been busywith moving out and dealing with the separation. What does her msg mean? Is that her way of saying it’s over? Is she trying to keep options open? I realize she needs grieving time but is there a chance she ever calls me back?

I’ve beena total wreck this last month. I reallyenjoyed our time together but I’m starting to question if there ever was aconnection because she quickly disconnected. I realize there is a lot of baggage with her but I had a gut feelingthat we had a connection. I guess I washoping for a more clear closure msg.

 

 

Any thoughts??

 

 

Thanks!

Edited November 5, 2015 by slider1985
Once i confimred the post the paragraph were set out of wack.

[Empyrea]

Yep, you were the rebound. If and when she moves on from her ex, she will also have moved on from you and be open to dating new guys. She might continue to use you as an emotional crutch until she does, but I wouldn't recommend sticking around for that. Sadly that's just how it goes. And no, you couldn't have played it any differently.

 

Oh, and instead of wishing for closure, just be the one that provides it. Cut all ties. It'll do you both good to move on.

[smackie9]

Oh well now you know for sure that it's a huge no no to date anyone that is fresh out of a relationship (they are emotionally desperate BTW). Her message was closure to you to forget about her....in a subtle way. Lesson learned, move on now.

[slider1985]

I realize I have to move on. I hate myself for allowing this to happen. That said, I may not have ever met her if it wasn't for her desperation and therefore I guess I'm holding out for hope that she may one day reach out.

In the mean time I have to move on.

 

 

How does someone so klingy, and so infatuated all of a sudden goes cold and distant?

Do rebound relationships ever work out?

 

 

Why are closure msgs so vague? A simple I'm not ready to date right now would have been clearer.

[Versacehottie]

The way I understand her text message (only the message): she wants to keep her options open, including with you--she is not making any promises and also not rejecting you verbally.

 

I do think you were a rebound. I don't think you can predict what the future will hold. You should move on and see what happens if she decides to contact in the future. You don't need to do anything else and I wouldn't. As far as being a rebound and rebound only being the FINAL outcome of this relationship, NOTHING is a forgone conclusion. She doesn't have a crystal ball (she told you as much with "i don't know where my head is at right now), you don't and definitely people on this site don't. You need to live your life to optimize your chances with things and not in fear or from a negative place (not saying you ARE doing that but if you behave because of what is going on at this point in time as someone else holds all the cards or the future can be read you are doing yourself a disservice). What this means is her answer and her actions are saying NOT NOW. Create new opportunities with others. Be positive about your life and see what the future brings. You can evaluate her at whatever time she pops back into your life to see if it fits then.

 

In all honesty, you wouldn't want her that "fresh" out a serious relationship, I don't think if she is like most people. You'd just be the crutch, and filling the void. Let her have space to figure out her life and get to a good point. Keep living yours in the meantime. Good luck

[smackie9]

Why does it happen???? because of their emotional state. They are feeling at their lowest, helpless, and feel empty so in order to fill the void, out of desperation to feel good about themselves, they intensely latch onto someone to get that dopamine rush. But after about two months, the dopamine shuts off, and all that is left with is regret and feeling of being ashamed/guilt.Been there done that...I myself realize it is not who I wanted to be with.

[StBreton]

Hey OP ... I feel for you. It's not that she didn't feel for you ... in the context of all the processing and emotional/physical upheaval she's going through ... She just couldn't sustain her relationship with you. She's a shell of a person right now and was rolling on adrenaline of what she was used to being in her LTR.

 

She can't really give you what you need now. She knows that and is being fair to you. She knows what she needs to do to rebuild herself and she doesn't have the resources right now to do that rebuilding while building a relationship with you.

 

You were smart for pulling out when you did ... Even though it hurts a lot.

 

Be grateful for the experience as it seems you two did have a good connection. One of those right people at the wrong time. Be open to someone else who's truly available now.

[slider1985]

Thanks for all the replies, advice, and support. I totally understand the dopamine rush point Because that’s exactly how it felt. I’m a kind, patient,understanding, successful decent looking person.I was never needy I was just a nice person toher and enjoyed our time together.

 

 

She mentioned on several occasions that most guys wouldn’t deal with her baggageand that she was surprised I stuck around.I know she was torn about her feeling towards me and whether it was real.

 

 

I’ve dated quite a bit and I have never felt for anyone like I did for her. I’m a complete wreck because I’m now feeling delusional about our time together. At the time I had a gut feeling that it was real but now I’m not sure what tothink I definitely don’t trust myself. She was way too guarded for me to ever makean impact so I never really had her. And the fact that she hasn’t reached out in almost a month I guess confirms it.

 

 

My experience dating has been frustrating. Maybe that’s why I allowed to get involved. I appreciate all the input andall if it makes complete sense however it’s tough to digest when your heart is crushed. It’s very easy to say “MOVE ON”. I think it’s much easier for women to move on because they can line up a date any day of the week. There are plenty of guys willing to court a women. It’s quite the opposite for men. I may not get another date for months and maynot find a connection for years. It would be nice to have choice to skim through the onlinedating catalogue and have a pool of women to date. Instead men have to play the numbers game inhopes for every 100 emails you send out you might get a bite.

Just my 2 cents.

Edited November 5, 2015 by slider1985
paragraph confusing

[slider1985]

Stbreton - I completely agree with your perspective. I know she was trying to give me more but she couldn't. She was genuine, always honest and transparent with me.

[Empyrea]

It’s very easy to say “MOVE ON”. I think it’s much easier for women to move on because they can line up a date any day of the week. There are plenty of guys willing to court a women. It’s quite the opposite for men. I may not get another date for months and maynot find a connection for years. It would be nice to have choice to skim through the onlinedating catalogue and have a pool of women to date. Instead men have to play the numbers game inhopes for every 100 emails you send out you might get a bite.

Just my 2 cents.

 

No. It's equally hard to move on from someone you're hung up on, it doesn't matter how many date offers you get. Also, you could argue that women have to wait around to be approached (98% of whom are way subpar) whereas guys can just go after exactly what they want, because they're expected to. So no, it's not easier. It's always hard. Sometimes just different hard.

 

You're right, though, that "move on" is much easier said than done. But at one point, when enough people have said it and you can no longer remember any counter arguments, then eventually you'll just have to do it.

 

Seriously, I really don't think rebounds ever work - if it does, then it wasn't a rebound! But your case sadly sounds quite textbook. And it can never work, because it never existed in and of itself. It was always just a substitute. It moved way too fast compared to a normal new relationship (thus she seemed so needy and infatuated), and it burnt out just as quickly and became redundant. It sucks and it's unfair, but it's a good life lesson to not get involved too soon after a relationship has ended.

[Versacehottie]

Yeah not to pound in the point but I feel like you are taking it too personally that it didn't work out. It sounds like from your OP that she was online weeks (days?) after the breakup of an 8 year relationship--with still things to sort out and living in same house. Before she even met you she was not being realistic. So getting online to find a new guy was in retaliation to whatever her ex was doing or way she was feeling about it in the moments she signed up or a huge attempt to fill an emotional void. It wasn't good judgement OR really being ready to start dating again. Highly unlikely. At the moment you are just collateral damage.

 

I think you feel the most connected with her vs others because she truly wasn't available. It's funny how that happens. People tend to want what is just out of reach. I think your gut felt it even during the "good times". You never know she might come back. I wouldn't count on it in the near future--just because if she is being fair to you and going to start with a clean slate, she needs some time. Sounds like she knows that now.

 

Hang in there

[chapter44]

Hey OP ... I feel for you. It's not that she didn't feel for you ... in the context of all the processing and emotional/physical upheaval she's going through ... She just couldn't sustain her relationship with you. She's a shell of a person right now and was rolling on adrenaline of what she was used to being in her LTR.

 

She can't really give you what you need now. She knows that and is being fair to you. She knows what she needs to do to rebuild herself and she doesn't have the resources right now to do that rebuilding while building a relationship with you.

 

You were smart for pulling out when you did ... Even though it hurts a lot.

 

Be grateful for the experience as it seems you two did have a good connection. One of those right people at the wrong time. Be open to someone else who's truly available now.

 

St is exactly right. I was a rebound guy for 5 years and unlike your partner she wasn't honest. It takes time for people to heal after a long term relationship no matter what they say it's a process. You did the right thing and by ending it in the long run you'll be better served.

 

Hang in there

[slider1985]

Versacciehottie - One final point.

 

I know I’m taking it personal even though most of it was out my control.

 

You’re correct she was not being realistic and she was trying to fill an emotional void. Her Ex BF moved out to give her the time she needed to find a place and move out of their home. She was devastated because it was their home she put her sweat into renovations. She could not afford the buyout and therefore she was forced to find a basement apartment. Her life was crumbling.

 

I forgot to mention that since her breakup with her ex bf she was sleeping on the couch for 3 months. She could not bare the thought of sleeping in the master room. At the beginning she felt guilty inviting me over to her home because it was theirs. I totally understood and respected that. There were times where she did invite me over and I refused because I new she wasn’t ready for that. However eventually she invited me up for a drink and everything was ok. The final week we went out for dinner and we both had a little too much to drink so she asked me to stay with her. She didnt want to be alone and I couldn't drive. I offered to sleep on the couch but she insisted I sleep with her in the Master bedroom. I was drunk and looking back at it now I believe I made a bad decision. It was “THEIR” bed, I regret it now. We didn’t have sex because she was on her period.

 

It was after that when she became distant and everything changed. A good friend mine thinks that she was probably overwhelmed with guilt and betrayal and therefore she pulled away.

She was in no condition to date anyone. You’re probably right that I may have felt a connection because she was never truly available. Either way the result is what it is.

 

Thanks everyone for all the input. Much appreciated!