boyfriend told me my dad deserved to die...

[starzstorm]

ok so our one year anniversary was exactly a week before my father was admitted to the hospital for cardiac surgery. he went into the hospital to have the lead on his pacemaker replaced because it was erratically firing off (this day was also my 21st birthday) and when the doctors went to close him up he was basically bleeding out, suffered anoxic brain injury and ended up in the icu in a vegetative state. He was admitted on March 27th, and died on April 11th when my mom chose to have the doctor pull the plug because after the second neurologist opinion that I requested they told me nothing could be done.

A few days after the 21st before he was even dead yet I was at my boyfriends. I think this was around the time that I had found out he was in a vegetative state. During that week I must have put on 20 pounds because of stress eating and just panicking. My boyfriend smoked some pot and put on a Japanese horror movie about a hospital, 15 seconds in you hear an ambulance siren, beeps of electrocardiograms and you see images of blood smattered on the walls and on the camera. I started crying and made my boyfriend turn off the movie, normally I would have been ok with it but any other time than this. I started crying and wrapped myself up in the bed sheets then all of a sudden he screams "your dad was a bastard he deserved to die, and if he didn't end up in the icu I would have put him there myself!". This was before he was even dead and I kept crying and crying even more, I was in so much shock I didn't even know what to say. I started to flip out, I started crying double time and my boyfriend kinda noticed and then he tried to have sex with me :/

It made me upset because not once during this time can I remember him actively comforting me, he never said anything like baby how are you doing, I love you and don't worry your dads in a better place. No instead he says that. I ended up blaming myself because I had spent a long time in the icu my hair was a mess and I was wearing crappy Victorias Secret sweat pants not really looking presentable. I also gained weight.

I ended up breaking up with this guy later on but now he insists on wanting to be friends again but I just feel like a doormat. I told my dads surviving best friend, my uncle what happened and he was incredibly pissed off with what my boyfriend had to say. What do you think I should have done? Do you think this was permissible in a loving relationship and do you think I should give him a second chance as a friend?

[acrosstheuniverse]

This doesn't make any sense... why would your boyfriend say that about your Dad? What was their relationship like? Was he abusive in some way or a criminal? In a normal family situation I can't imagine a reason for your boyfriend to say something like that!

 

Either way, it's not forgivable. I''m sorry for your loss, it sounds horribly traumatic. Have you had any bereavement counselling? Sometimes when we go through some trauma like that we become fixated on certain aspects of it that don't seem fair, or make us angry. For example when my Mom died, my brother was really fixated on how the hospital must have made a mistake to lead to her getting pneumonia. He couldn't actually focus on the tragedy of losing her so got stuck on the details.

 

Whatever your family setup, saying something like that to someone whose parent is dying is horrifically insensitive. Rather than go over this in your mind when it won't change anything and you're not even together anymore, use it as an example of why you're lucky you aren't with that guy anymore. He doesn't deserve another second of your thought. And no, you should not be friends with him. Not when he behaved so appallingly and you have such terrible memories of him linked with the passing of your Dad. Block him on everything and move forward with your life.

[losangelena]

Tell that douchenozzle to shove it up his a$$.

[Guyouthere]

Got to love having a boyfriend who smokes pot.

 

What else do you expect? Him to care?

 

Find a real man, a clean one. Start there.

 

Ask yourself why you want to be with a pothead to begin with.

[starzstorm]

This doesn't make any sense... why would your boyfriend say that about your Dad? What was their relationship like? Was he abusive in some way or a criminal? In a normal family situation I can't imagine a reason for your boyfriend to say something like that!

 

Either way, it's not forgivable. I''m sorry for your loss, it sounds horribly traumatic. Have you had any bereavement counselling? Sometimes when we go through some trauma like that we become fixated on certain aspects of it that don't seem fair, or make us angry. For example when my Mom died, my brother was really fixated on how the hospital must have made a mistake to lead to her getting pneumonia. He couldn't actually focus on the tragedy of losing her so got stuck on the details.

 

Whatever your family setup, saying something like that to someone whose parent is dying is horrifically insensitive. Rather than go over this in your mind when it won't change anything and you're not even together anymore, use it as an example of why you're lucky you aren't with that guy anymore. He doesn't deserve another second of your thought. And no, you should not be friends with him. Not when he behaved so appallingly and you have such terrible memories of him linked with the passing of your Dad. Block him on everything and move forward with your life.

 

 

 

He just hated my dad because my dad was very protective of me and he Idk if you are familiar with the term tiger mom, but he was a tiger dad. Expected me to do well in school and focus on academics.

[SammySammy]

What do I think you should have done? Dumped him.

 

Should you be friends with him now? No.

[starzstorm]

He just hated my dad because my dad was very protective of me and he Idk if you are familiar with the term tiger mom, but he was a tiger dad. Expected me to do well in school and focus on academics.

 

 

It also gets even worse. After we broke up he ssh hacked into my iPhone via phishing.

[mortensorchid]

Girlie, a man who does things like this to you is not just bad, he's evil. Get a restraining order and move on.

[Eighty_nine]

Got to love having a boyfriend who smokes pot.

 

What else do you expect? Him to care?

 

Find a real man, a clean one. Start there.

 

Ask yourself why you want to be with a pothead to begin with.

 

Smoking pot has nothing to do with any of the horrible things this guy said. Strange to imply this is typical of pot smokers.

[lollipopspot]

It also gets even worse. After we broke up he ssh hacked into my iPhone via phishing.

 

how did he do that?

[StBreton]

Do you like dating guys who act like psychopaths? Holy smokes ...I would have left the second after someone said that about my dad ...after I told him how messed up he is ...and have a nice life. Wow. This has nothing to do with smoking pot ...this guy is a sicko ... lots of better friends out there so NO on the friends and you're doing the right thing by not being with him.

[starzstorm]

how did he do that?

 

Ok I don't know how technologically savvy you are but phishing can be accomplished by just sending an email or a picture to the target email and all they have to do is click to open it or view it and there infected. They can install a keylogger this way that can record all of your keystrokes and obtain your icloud password. I don't know exactly how he did the ssh hacking, but he has a degree in network administration and systems security and there are many tutorials online. It is easy to ssh hack into an iPhone because they all have the same default password

Anyway, he hacked into my phone and streamed videos from my phone to a stupid hookah bar he frequents, he would mess with the autocorrect on my iPhone and tell me stuff like go kill yourself you fat bitch and I heard from a friend of his that they were basically drunk and high on drugs so they used video effect tools to play around with the videos and add special effects.

Edited October 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
~T

[starzstorm]

Do you like dating guys who act like psychopaths? Holy smokes ...I would have left the second after someone said that about my dad ...after I told him how messed up he is ...and have a nice life. Wow. This has nothing to do with smoking pot ...this guy is a sicko ... lots of better friends out there so NO on the friends and you're doing the right thing by not being with him.

 

It just makes my blood boil that he could move on so quickly and he treats his new target with more respect. He also convinced them that I am the crazy one.

[starzstorm]

Smoking pot has nothing to do with any of the horrible things this guy said. Strange to imply this is typical of pot smokers.

 

I agree with what you are saying. I don't see anything wrong with smoking pot. But this guy he would smoke more than once or twice a day. He would smoke whenever we would sit down and watch movies, he'd smoke whenever we had sex and he'd also drink. He'd drink beer at work, drink beer when he got home and he'd drive drunk too. He didn't give a ****. After we broke up he showed up at my house drunk out of his mind looking for me. I was just really flipping out because this was when my mom was out of town and I was home alone with a friend watching television and trying on clothes. My friend got mad and dipped out.

[Guyouthere]

Smoking pot has nothing to do with any of the horrible things this guy said. Strange to imply this is typical of pot smokers.

 

Sure it can.

 

That already makes him very questionable.

 

And if he was high too when he said it,.,, only the OP knows.

 

Get a guy who is clean (as I said above).

 

Normal people aren't pot smokers or speak like this.

 

It was downright nasty and horrid for him to act like towards her.

[Guyouthere]

Smoking pot has nothing to do with any of the horrible things this guy said. Strange to imply this is typical of pot smokers.

 

 

I will add…

 

as a kid I was around pot smokers and drug addicts at the dock my family had a seafood business.

 

I avoided them for good reason. Nothing good ever came of that atmosphere.

 

I NEVER saw clear thinking and respectable pot smoker, ever.

 

They are all low on the scale of quality individuals, and for good reason.

 

I saw them kill each other, fight, you name it.

[starzstorm]

Sure it can.

 

That already makes him very questionable.

 

And if he was high too when he said it,.,, only the OP knows.

 

Get a guy who is clean (as I said above).

 

Normal people aren't pot smokers or speak like this.

 

It was downright nasty and horrid for him to act like towards her.

 

 

Oh I learned my lesson. Never again am I going to date a guy that smokes or is an alcoholic. It just leads to problems. Doesn't matter what he's addicted to, it'll spiral out into more problems.

[katiegrl]

It just makes my blood boil that he could move on so quickly and he treats his new target with more respect. He also convinced them that I am the crazy one.

 

Solution: Read post no. 3 again and do that!

 

You'll feel better, I promise!

 

I am sorry about your dad, I lost mine last year too ...

 

hugs

[starzstorm]

I will add…

 

as a kid I was around pot smokers and drug addicts at the dock my family had a seafood business.

 

I avoided them for good reason. Nothing good ever came of that atmosphere.

 

I NEVER saw clear thinking and respectable pot smoker, ever.

 

They are all low on the scale of quality individuals, and for good reason.

 

I saw them kill each other, fight, you name it.

 

Guess I better start taking your advice. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I'm from NY but I attended high school in a small southern beach town where I met him. Tons of hippie dippies that smoke pot and do psychedelics there. Wanna hear something crazy? He had the nerve to get angry at me because I wouldn't do acid and go out drinking at his friends parties with him right after my dad died. I never wanted to do anything in the first place, if I did it then I know I would have had a bad trip.

[starzstorm]

Solution: Read post no. 3 again and do that!

 

You'll feel better, I promise!

 

I am sorry about your dad, I lost mine last year too ...

 

hugs

 

Thank you bunches

[Guyouthere]

Guess I better start taking your advice. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I'm from NY but I attended high school in a small southern beach town where I met him. Tons of hippie dippies that smoke pot and do psychedelics there. Wanna hear something crazy? He had the nerve to get angry at me because I wouldn't do acid and go out drinking at his friends parties with him right after my dad died. I never wanted to do anything in the first place, if I did it then I know I would have had a bad trip.

 

It would serve you very well if you completely removed yourself from being around those types of individuals, and make no mistake about ever be among them again, ever.

 

They are the bad influences out there, and as said, will not only ruin your life, but at some point likely end it as well.

 

I can tell you I saw some 8 or 9 of them over the years end up in the morgue due to various reasons, all instigated by that lifestyle.

[losangelena]

Solution: Read post no. 3 again and do that!

 

You'll feel better, I promise!

 

I am sorry about your dad, I lost mine last year too ...

 

hugs

 

I lost mine 10 years ago tomorrow.

 

I wasn't dating anyone then, but if anyone I ever date says one word against my dad, they'd be history.

 

The good thing about the past is that you can leave it there—like this guy.

[StBreton]

It just makes my blood boil that he could move on so quickly and he treats his new target with more respect. He also convinced them that I am the crazy one.

 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad and that this person hurt your heart. He was able to say what he did and move on because he lacks a conscience ...lacks empathy ... Could be the drugs or he could have BPD ... in the end it doesn't matter as it's better he showed his true colors so you could move on and find someone loving.

 

You're heart is going to hurt for a while from the sting and the incredulity of it all ...just keep telling yourself he's messed up. And he IS. It's a shame he couldn't comfort you ...I know how sad you must feel but you'll feel better with time. This person has shown you a picture of who not to date for the next time. Be glad he's moved on ...he'd only cause you more pain ...believe that. Hugs

[mrs rubble]

So sorry to read of your dad's passing. May he rest in peace. Big hugs to you.

 

As for your ex- good ridance!! What a piece of work he is!!

I wouldn't mind betting he has violent tendencies as well. The fact he tried to have sex with you after he said all this, proves how much he's lacking in empathy and general brain function. As for him convincing his target that you're crazy, don't let that get you down, I know it hurts (my ex spread rumours to mutal friends that I'd attempted to poison him with chemicals I stole from work, I'm actually smirking now about how ridiculous that claim was, my friends knew me well enough to know I'd never do anything like that and it just made HIM look like the crazy one.)

 

Hopefully your dad's watching over you and sends a proper man your way.

[veggirl]

Wow I think I would have had a hard time not punching him in the face or keying his car or something for that. What a dick. Unforgivable and I'm glad you're not with him anymore, he's a nasty person.