Hot. Cold. Chase. Hot. Cold. Chase.

[DFOF]

I'll try to keep this brief...

 

• I met a girl on Tinder and we spoke for 2-3 weeks. We then move onto texting for a week or two before calling each other.*
  
• The first time we spoke lasted for over four hours. The second time was the same and we arranged to meet.*
  
• Our first meeting was going to be an after work drink to keep things casual/comfortable but it actually turned out to be a two day long date.*
  
• Another week or so went by and we continued to text/call each other.*
  
• We went out a second time and things were great.
  
• She then panicked at how fast things were going and gave me the "not looking for anything serious" line. I didn't really care as I wasn't expecting anything other that to keep seeing her.*
  
• I took this as a cop out and backed off but she would still continue to speak with me every so often and I would reply but didn't have any hope or expect anything.*
  
• After a few weeks, we spoke on the phone again (for two hours) and laughed about how 'serious' things had gotten so soon. We said we should meet up again sometime soon. *
  
• Since then, she's constantly liking photos of mine on Facebook and Instagram (which feels like she's trying to get my attention). Eventually I'll text her and we'll text for a bit and just as things get flirty, she backs off.*
  
• This has happened a few times now and it feels like the moment I back away, she chases but the moment I react to her and try to push things on, she backs away. Repeat and repeat.
  

 

To give you a more specific example, the other night (12am or so), she text me randomly out of the blue to ask how I was. Eventually she ended up telling me that she was going to be home alone for a few weeks and joked that she was scared. I took this as a huge hint and hinted back to ask she was having a house party. She said "possibly...!" and I ended the conversation early.

 

One day, she'll be giving away signs that she's interested but then the next day she'll be doing the complete opposite. Why would someone bother with this hot>cold>chase game over and over again? You're either in or you're out right?

 

Just to be clear, I've got my own life, I've been out with other girls and I put my career above anything else and am not sitting around waiting for her to contact me and I don't have any reaction to the times where someone else might get jealous or react emotionally. Since she told me ages ago that she wasn't looking for anything serious, my mindset has been "it will happen if it happens" but I'm kinda bored of the game now.

 

Deep down, I know what I need to do but would love confirmation from anyone here. Any thoughts welcome!

[Strength in Healing]

I'll break it down. Here are the mistakes:

 

1. Using tinder

2. Turning a drink into a two day date. Way too much way too quick. Don't try to justify this. Or I'll break it down psychologically why no healthy potential relationship starts this way.

3. If anything, her saying she was scared to be home alone would be a hint for you to come over. You offering a party is goofy and to me comes off like you were trying to be cool. No. Probably why she cut off the conversation early.

 

 

 

This horse is beat. The second you opened tinder, though, you were only staring at decrepit horses. Met a gorgeous girl off there a long time ago. Dated for 3 months. More painful than losing the girl I was engaged to and with for 4 years. Met many others on it before and after, until I realized that people who use tinder are very messed up. Just saying. Probably an exception or two, but how do you like the odds of 97% chance they're broken and crazy?

[marychapman]

I should probably google but... what is Tinder?

 

Never done online dating.

[Strength in Healing]

I should probably google but... what is Tinder?

 

Never done online dating.

 

 

Don't google it. It's not interesting enough and it's full of usually very rough and damaged people who have low aspirations.

[marychapman]

Don't google it. It's not interesting enough and it's full of usually very rough and damaged people who have low aspirations.

 

OK thanks for warning

[DFOF]

I'll break it down. Here are the mistakes:

 

1. Using tinder

2. Turning a drink into a two day date. Way too much way too quick. Don't try to justify this. Or I'll break it down psychologically why no healthy potential relationship starts this way.

3. If anything, her saying she was scared to be home alone would be a hint for you to come over. You offering a party is goofy and to me comes off like you were trying to be cool. No. Probably why she cut off the conversation early.

 

Completely agree with you on Tinder.

 

Secondly, I should have mentioned that she doesn't live in the same city as me which makes things even worse. That is probably why our first date lasted so long... we didn't know when the next time would be and were enjoying each other's company. That would not have happened if we lived in the same city.

 

As she doesn't live in my city, I wouldn't have been able to go over right then and there. The mention of a house party was a prompt to see if she wanted me to visit. Again, had she lived in the same city, I'd not have said it.

 

Also... the one thing that's constantly holding me back is the fact that she said she wasn't looking for anything serious (which we all know is an excuse 99% of time) so I'm not chasing her... but the breadcrumbs she keeps throwing are just wasting my time.

 

So, yeah... I know what I need to do.

[Zippy2000]

Question: Has any recent married couples answered "We met on Tinder"!?

[Strength in Healing]

Yeah, D, you know what to do.

 

But it's not just about dropping her now. It's about dropping some habits for the future.

 

I'm no expert with relationships, but one mistake I've made plenty is moving too fast. This is such a recipe for disaster, no matter the reason.

 

If you choose to do online dating, from now on use something like Eharmony or match. Maybe there's other good ones I'm not sure. But anything free attracts massive amounts of riff raff. Lol

Edited October 16, 2015 by Strength in Healing

[phineas]

I don't have time for hot cold women.

They either want to meet me or they don't.

[DFOF]

Thanks everyone.

 

I'm out!

[fitnessfan365]

This is a perfect example of why you ask a woman out right away.

 

I mean really dude. Talking for 2-3 weeks on Tinder, then a few weeks of texting, plus two four hour phone calls where you FINALLY ask her to meet. The thing you have to remember is this. All of that talking has nothing to do w/how you'll get along in person. So you're essentially investing a ton of your time to wipe the slate clean and start over on the actual date. If you'd asked her out within a few days of meeting her on Tinder, you could've found out what type of person she is right away without investing almost two months of your time first.

[BellaLuna73]

My feeling is that she is waiting for you to man up and take her, go to the next level..she wants to have a little confirmation that you like her.

[Miss Peach]

Yeah, D, you know what to do.

 

But it's not just about dropping her now. It's about dropping some habits for the future.

 

I'm no expert with relationships, but one mistake I've made plenty is moving too fast. This is such a recipe for disaster, no matter the reason.

 

If you choose to do online dating, from now on use something like Eharmony or match. Maybe there's other good ones I'm not sure. But anything free attracts massive amounts of riff raff. Lol

 

I disagree with the free OLD. I find OKC better than match or Eharmony. Actually everyone I found on match was also on OKC. Plus they have a lot of good screening questions.

 

I do agree on not doing the hot/cold thing. Consistency and reliability is very important to me.

[DFOF]

My feeling is that she is waiting for you to man up and take her, go to the next level..she wants to have a little confirmation that you like her.

 

She gave me the "I'm not able to offer anything serious right now" line. Which is a lame excuse saying "I'm not interested" so it's up to her to make it known if she's interested. I'm not chasing. Plus, whenever I've hinted at meeting up again she's backed off.

 

Had she not given me the lame line then I would've manned up a long time ago. I'm not chasing someone that's rejected me.

[DFOF]

UPDATE

 

Since my last post, I'd backed off and stopped contacting her. She started contacting me again by text and I was stand offish but she called me and we spoke for a bit. Things kind of went back to 'normal' where we'd emotionally connect, joke around, flirt, etc. A few days later, she asked me to meet up so she could take photos of me for a fashion portfolio that she's putting together. On a certain level, I took it as an 'excuse' for her to ask me out.

 

I went to see her the other day and we had drinks in between her taking photos and she was giving me all sorts of signs. Later on in the evening, we started to hold hands and get closer to each other. She then admitted to me (I didn't ask) that she has "kinda been seeing someone" for the past FOUR MONTHS (before she met me). She told me because she wanted me to understand why she's been so hot and cold. She also said that spending time with me has made her question things with the other person who she feels is a rebound from her previous relationship. I told her that I 'knew' deep down that someone else was involved and didn't really react other than listen to her and how she felt. She was quite insistent on playing the situation with the other guy down... I didn't really ask questions.

 

I can tell that she likes me but maybe something is missing from the person she's been seeing... or he's offering something that I don't. At the end of the day, she can see whoever she wants but going back through everything, it's clear to me that I am clearly a plan b while she tries to make it work with this other guy but when things go bad with him, she pulls me back in to keep me as an option.

 

At the end of the evening, we hugged for ages and she seemed genuinely sad about everything. She text me later on in the evening with a sad emoji and has stressed several times that she isn't 'with' the other person she mentioned. She called me a few hours later before she went to bed and we spoke like normal. Since then, she's been back to liking my photos on Facebook...

 

I keep thinking it's because she genuinely is confused and doesn't want to slam the door shut completely because she can see something happening one day but just wants to be sure so she doesn't get hurt (naive I know). But, whenever I give her a chance, she throws it back in my face to the point where I give up completely and then just when I've made my peace with it, she comes back around and acts like she cares / is interested in me.

 

I just don't get why someone would repeatedly do this. She's had enough chances to get rid of me and given me pretty much every lame excuse in the book... what is it the point of keeping me on hold if she has no intention of anything ever happening?

 

DRAMA

[ExpatInItaly]

UPDATE

 

Since my last post, I'd backed off and stopped contacting her. She started contacting me again by text and I was stand offish but she called me and we spoke for a bit. Things kind of went back to 'normal' where we'd emotionally connect, joke around, flirt, etc. A few days later, she asked me to meet up so she could take photos of me for a fashion portfolio that she's putting together. On a certain level, I took it as an 'excuse' for her to ask me out.

 

I went to see her the other day and we had drinks in between her taking photos and she was giving me all sorts of signs. Later on in the evening, we started to hold hands and get closer to each other. She then admitted to me (I didn't ask) that she has "kinda been seeing someone" for the past FOUR MONTHS (before she met me). She told me because she wanted me to understand why she's been so hot and cold. She also said that spending time with me has made her question things with the other person who she feels is a rebound from her previous relationship. I told her that I 'knew' deep down that someone else was involved and didn't really react other than listen to her and how she felt. She was quite insistent on playing the situation with the other guy down... I didn't really ask questions.

 

I can tell that she likes me but maybe something is missing from the person she's been seeing... or he's offering something that I don't. At the end of the day, she can see whoever she wants but going back through everything, it's clear to me that I am clearly a plan b while she tries to make it work with this other guy but when things go bad with him, she pulls me back in to keep me as an option.

 

At the end of the evening, we hugged for ages and she seemed genuinely sad about everything. She text me later on in the evening with a sad emoji and has stressed several times that she isn't 'with' the other person she mentioned. She called me a few hours later before she went to bed and we spoke like normal. Since then, she's been back to liking my photos on Facebook...

 

I keep thinking it's because she genuinely is confused and doesn't want to slam the door shut completely because she can see something happening one day but just wants to be sure so she doesn't get hurt (naive I know). But, whenever I give her a chance, she throws it back in my face to the point where I give up completely and then just when I've made my peace with it, she comes back around and acts like she cares / is interested in me.

 

I just don't get why someone would repeatedly do this. She's had enough chances to get rid of me and given me pretty much every lame excuse in the book... what is it the point of keeping me on hold if she has no intention of anything ever happening?

 

DRAMA

 

You have already answered your own question. You are Plan B. The other guy is her first priority but if it doesn't work out with him, she wants you to be there. Trust me on this, as I once did what she is doing when I was very young and immature.

 

She likes you but not enough to cut things off with the first guy. I promise that if he wanted to take it further, she'd disappear from your life. Stop allowing yourself to be treated as the back-up plan. Tell her not to contact you unless and until she is totally unattached. Otherwise, you're wasting your time.

[phineas]

Yeah drama, because you keep in contact with her.

This would all end if you blocked her.

 

Have you even slept with her?

You didn't clarify that when you said 2 day date.

 

She isn't confused.

She knows what she is doing

She is feeling guilty.

 

Just gtfo and move on.

[Zippy2000]

I put my career above anything else and am not sitting around waiting for her to contact me!

 

Well don't tell is that. Tell it to her!

 

You were never plan b. She met the other man first who she liked but as it wasn't working out she started to look around.

 

Do you really want a girlfriend who is looking around while you date her? Bit of a red flag there.

 

If you want to give her a chance. Tell her your not waiting around. If the other guy is out of the picture she should be less hot and cold and focus on you.

 

Take your time and see how it goes.

[oregon0011]

Don't google it. It's not interesting enough and it's full of usually very rough and damaged people who have low aspirations.

 

These people would still be out there without tinder. And they usually are on multiple sites.

 

More or less I think there just are a lot of damages people that cause pain and hurt. Online dating makes it easier for them to do the same over and over.

 

For me it often times goes like this.

 

A. Meet girl

 

B. Intimacy soon.

 

C. Girl will not leave you alone and love bombs you. Wants your children. Future plans. Most amazing guy ever.

 

D. Girl becomes cold. Later find out she has an ex in the picture. A current boyfriend. Etc

 

E. Don't contact the girl anymore and once again she won't leave you alone.