thoughts on my messy predicament?

[Angelmommy]

Hello All, and thank you guys for reading. I have a few questions regarding my current relationship. I am 19 and my boyfriend is 24. We have been in a tumultuous relationship of two years. I would just like some insight of some recent strange behavior. This will be a quite lengthy post as a warning to you all, thought thank you so much for taking the time to read and share your thoughts and advice. I will start with our story since recently we have hit rock bottom.

My boyfriend, Mike and I met at a previous job two years ago. Started dating after I started my employment a few months afterwards. In the first six months, I have caught him exchanging some flirtation and inappropriate texts to a long distance, though long term friend of 10 years. I broke up with him, though took him back after he assured me they were just "friends". Mike continued talking to this friend for the next year and a half. Late last year, I broke up with him again for a week or so due to the same issue and yes, I took him back again. I know I should have left the first time, though I felt as thought I did not want to throw away the relationship we had so fast. He continued talking to say person. After we got together again for the second time very early this year, I fell pregnant with our daughter.

Mike did not take my pregnancy well, she was unplanned and he would pressure me for an abortion and later, adoption. I decided against abortion due to my own reasoning and beliefs and decided against adoption since my family stepped in to help me out. Throughout my whole pregnancy he did not treat me well and was very hostile to the baby and me. He would say things like: "I don't want this baby.", "This isn't fair to me.", "The baby is your problem since you decided to keep it.", "I shouldn't have to help you pay for OBGYN bills, I don't want the baby anyway." He even threatened with a lawyer at the beginning. Now I should have left, though I didn't since I felt as though the baby needed a father and I would do the best I can to have her father in her life. Mike refused to commit, refused to move in with the baby and I ("I'm not ready.") He eventually told me he came to terms with me keeping the baby though would only visit weekends and I would live with my parents with the baby. My parents offered to watch the baby while I work fulltime (I started a second full time job with benefits to help save and support the baby). Again, no support from the father. In fact, he continued inappropriate messages towards a few women, one in particular was his long distance friend. I gave him an ultimatum eventually since I was sick of it and told him, "Ditch the friend or I'm gone," He begrudgingly agreed to stop talking to this "friend" though threw the biggest fit about it. I know I sound pathetic for staying with him, though I thought at the time I was doing what was right for my daughter.

I ended up going into pre-term labor and had my daughter 12 hours later. She unfortunately didn't last an hour and died in my arms. I called Mike in after I had her when she had already passed to give him the opportunity to hold his daughter. I was in horrible shape emotionally (I still am), and he was very shaken as well.

Most of his emotions he has now are guilt he wasn't a good father to his daughter and never supported me through my pregnancy. I broke down several times with anger at him. I hated him for calling the baby "His baby girl", "His beautiful daughter" when he never addressed her as "his" at all through my pregnancy. In fact would say hostile things towards the baby and treat us poorly. I did all the work and preparing. Recently when I have been trying to pull away, he will guilt me saying he is suicidal since he is so guilty that he never loved the baby and didn't realize how much she was to him until she was already gone.

Now that my angel is in heaven now, I have been applying back to college to start school again. My focus is pre medical since I'd like to help women and babies in similar situations as I. I've been starting to try to build myself back up (Please note, I took the loss extremely hard. I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression, I have been working on it by trying to go out, work and study for school).

Since I have been trying to help build my emotional wellness back up, my boyfriend has been acting differently. All of a sudden, he wants to move in with me, talking about long term future plans. He has become 5x more needy. Calling me many times a day and texting me constantly. Telling me he loves me with all his heart, can't live with the thought of losing me, etc. Has been talking to out mutual friends about how much he cares about me, his plans on getting a place with me, etc. Part of me wants to say, "You're too late." and leave. Part of me wants to stay. I remained close to him during my maternity leave and my daughter's funeral so we can grieve together. I figured school and work would help me move on from him since I would be too busy. My friends and family are waiting and some are pressuring me to leave him. I understand why they do. I know he has not treated me well. In fact, he most recently lied to me again and talked to his friend though it was a short conversation about our daughter. Again, he guilt tripped me into staying with him and well, here I am. I don't know what to do now with my relationship. I feel like I can't leave him, do no contact and ditch him like that. We had a daughter together and it's still fresh....thought part of me still wants to stay and work things out. I feel as though maybe he wants to move in with me to hold me back? He feels guilt? Or does he really love me and sees us working out?

Most would ask me what is still good about your relationship? You haven't ever spoken of anything positive. We still laugh together. We still can talk for hours straight and it feels like minutes. We still enjoy spending time together.

I apologize for the wordy and lengthy post, but any advice or thoughts are welcome. Thank you for reading and for your time.

[chapter44]

Angelmommy:

 

 

Your story is heartbreaking to me and I cannot even fathom all that you have been through over the past few years. I commend you for honesty and the steps you have and are taking to improve your life. Keep working towards your goals and creating a healthy, satisfying life for yourself.

 

 

I am deeply concerned about your decision to even entertain staying with Mike. His behavior is not only selfish but reprehensible on so many levels I do not even know where to begin. You are a young woman and I don't know what your parents have to say about Mike but if you were my daughter I would want you to be as far away from this guy as possible. He is not well, treats you poorly, and has no consideration for how you feel.

 

 

I would speculate Mike was your first serious boyfriend and/or first love. At your age it is always hard to walk away from that because you quite honestly, don't have the experience to compare him with a normal, healthy, supportive relationship. I know things are compounded now because you have suffered a tremendous loss and maybe you can't bear another one so soon, regardless of how unhealthy it is. Please for your own sake get away from this man and focus on your healing and achieving your educational goals. We are all here for you if you need any support.

[Qboro90]

I'm so sorry for what you had to go through and still are going through with your pregnancy and daughter. That is something that will be with you for life so don't let anyone try to tell you how to grieve or deal with it.

 

Now on to Mike. At your age I know you're thinking that you love this guy and want to give him the chance to be the guy you think he can be. The advice you will get here is guaranteed to tell you to leave Mike behind and make yourself a priority instead of trying to make an already broken relationship work with your ex.

 

Think about all the things that you have gone through with Mike. The problems with the girls he texted, his disgusting behavior once you became pregnant, his attitude towards looking after you and the baby during your pregnancy, and everything in between. There is so much history and bad blood between you two that there is NO possible way you can give a future relationship with him a fair chance. The feelings you have about how he treated you and the things he said during the toughest time of your life will never leave your memory. Deep down it will resonate and come out in combative ways if you tried dating him again.

 

Take this chance to start over. Get back in school. Make a career and life for yourself. The positive things you said about your time with Mike are things that soooo many other guys can offer you. Have higher standards for yourself. Date someone who absolutely blows your mind and makes you feel like a queen. Not someone who you need to weigh the pros and cons in order to spend time with.

 

Take the advise from people who have had the experience and trust that your situation isn't "unique". Mikes not going to change or become the best bf this time, or next time. Understand that you are growing up and the best thing to do is to leave your first love behind and open yourself to 2nd, 3rd, and 4th loves.

 

Most of all, make yourself happy and develop a successful life on your own without relying on a guy for any of that.

[ExpatInItaly]

If you move in with him, you will be back here in a few months telling us that he is still flirting with other women but now you live together so you don't know how to get out of it.

 

Do not move in with him. He hasn't changed and you know this. You have caught him doing what he promised he wouldn't do. You told him you'd leave. You didn't then, but can and should now. You threw nothing away; he did. I'm sorry but what you're describing isn't love. It's co-dependency and it's very unhealthy, especially in your more vulnerable state. He's a leech.

 

You've been through enough. And he wasn't there. Kick his sorry butt to the curb. Your future self will thank you, I promise.