GF trusts me but not brother's wife?

[kazimierz]

Location: Somewhere USA.

 

My GF: Female/Asian/30/Born in China

 

Me: Male/White/31/Born in Europe

 

We've been dating for almost a full year. There's a lot of issues we've been resolving together and there seems to be extremely good communication between us and a "we'll tackle life together" attitude. I'm extremely happy with this person and would love to have a future with her. This feeling seems to be mutual. However, we have a somewhat frustrating hurtle/issue/concern between us.

 

Our Concern/Issue: My brother married his fiance sometime this summer. During this wedding I attended with my GF of about 7 months. Certain pre-wedding and wedding events give rise to her distrust of my brother's wife and me for denying that there exists anything (There really is no interest from my side. I'm attracted to exactly the polar opposite of my brother's wife. My GF has a lot of those qualities that I'm attracted to.).

 

1a) Before wedding my brother's fiance & I fake punched each other. This seemed normal at the time. Clearly it is unacceptable behavior.

2a) Before wedding I accidentally tapped my brother's wife on the nose. (Huge mistake. Total accident. I'm a moron for this. I honestly think 1a & 1b started all the problems. )

 

1b) The brother's wife is generally a very outgoing and party-type person. More than likely she's had experience with guys and getting what she wants (Sounds devious. I don't know.).

2b) Before the wedding there was a family lunch. During the lunch my brother's future wife approached me from behind while I was seated. She put her hands on my shoulder. GF touched & squeezed her hands so that she'd take em of. Brother's wife proceeded to hug me. Brother's wife proceeded to brush her hands through my hair. Strike 1. I left the restaurant immediately as this happened. I spoke to her afterwards

3b) During the wedding photos she said, to me, "You like me, don't ya?" Strike 2.

 

Since the wedding nothing has really happened (4+ months ago). I've made sure to be distant and not initiate contact with brother's wife.

 

There may/may not have been other events. I don't remember as these interactions with my brother's wife mean nothing to me. I don't find my brother's wife's personality nor physical traits attractive. However, the more I deny this the more reasons are found to dislike the wife. The more I change my behavior to make sure instances like 1a, 1b, 2b, and 3b don't happen the more insistence there is that my brother's wife likes me. GF literally insists on these mean something along the lines of "brother's wife likes me." Apparently she trusts me but not her.

 

Is there anything I can do to reassure my GF that there is nothing? GF suggests brother's wife is manipulative.

 

Some notes:

She's my first girlfriend and a lot of first with her for me starting with the kiss. I'm certain I'v made newbie mistakes during events 1a and 2a.

She's dated at least 1 other person and has more dating experience than I.

 

 

Note: I'm going to ask GF to post here later. Please no bashing and just objective perspectives. I want this resolved between us and I want to be clear with her that my brother's wife is neither a temptation nor a threat of some sort to her. I have no idea how to do this. Just spent about 3 hours on phone to no avail. Denying does nothing. Acknowledging does nothing. Suggesting we move 1 hr apart at minimum does nothing. I'm at a loss.

[anna121]

What does she want/expect from you?

 

You cannot control your brother's wife. Only yourself.

[kazimierz]

What does she want/expect from you?

 

You cannot control your brother's wife. Only yourself.

 

We're sort of looking for a solution together. We don't know what can be done other than moving really really far away. That's not a real solution though as both of us are tied to the are. Well, at least she is. I'm not really tied to the area for long until I finish school as I telework full time and attend law school part time.

 

I think I've messed up with interactions 1a and 2a. If I had a time machine I'd make sure they don't exist. From my perspective they're trivial. From her perspective they just make her distrust my brother's wife and dislike her a lot and allegedly "hate her."

Edited October 9, 2015 by kazimierz

[Yookie]

How do you feel about her (be honest with yourself)? Does she trigger something in you even though she's not your typical type? You both are making a mountain out of a mole hill UNLESS there is something about the way you interact with her that makes your partner very uneasy.

[Ami1uwant]

My feeling...you and your SIL ( sister in law/brothers wife) have some sort of chemistry that your gf sees. This makes her jealous. Having chemistry and relationships are different. You could have chemistry but are opposites in terms of wants/needs in life. I don't believe opposites can have a lasting relationship.

[lolablue17]

HA! Tell her that she's in the best situation she could possibly ask for.

 

1. Your brother's wife likes you and attracted to you? Great! that means you are an attractive man. Does she want you to neglect yourself, and gain 4 times weight to be unattractive? So this can be an approval and a reminder to her, how attractive you are.

 

2. Even if she doesn't trust you and your SIL, this woman is no threat to her by all means, something she cannot say about any other woman around. Because she's you SIL!!! Even if you wanted to cheat on her, would you do it with your brother's wife? and ruining your own family? Unlikely.

 

Tell her that she must learn how to control her frustration, otherwise this will cause distance between you two, until there's no way back, and there's nothing to save. Don't offer to move to a different place to live! No! She has to deal with her obsession.

 

Many people doesn't notice what they have in their hands (because they are busy with nonsense), until they lose it. Does she want to be one of these people?

Edited October 9, 2015 by lolablue17