cookiemonster26 Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 Anytime I start dating someone I really like and things are going well, I can't help but panic at the thought of being ghosted. It's happened to so many to my friends and myself I just feel like it's more common to be ghosted than to actually have something with someone. It gives me panic attacks. Any tips on how to deal with this fear 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 Accept that it may happen. Mentally prepare yourself for it. Then if it happens, you've already processed it. I will also say that you are dating from a place of fear. This is not good. Date with a sense of humor. If they leave, ghost, whatever... f*ck em. You're awesome and it's not a reflection of you. It's their loss and they missed out on a good thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cookiemonster26 Posted September 24, 2015 Author Share Posted September 24, 2015 Accept that it may happen. Mentally prepare yourself for it. Then if it happens, you've already processed it. I will also say that you are dating from a place of fear. This is not good. Date with a sense of humor. If they leave, ghost, whatever... f*ck em. You're awesome and it's not a reflection of you. It's their loss and they missed out on a good thing. I find it hard not to date out of a place of fear as I'm bombarded with messages everyone about how I need to find someone or else I will be miserable etc etc from my friends and what not Link to post Share on other sites
EricaH329 Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 I find it hard not to date out of a place of fear as I'm bombarded with messages everyone about how I need to find someone or else I will be miserable etc etc from my friends and what not You'll only be miserable if you let yourself be. Being alone does *not* equal being miserable. If I were to guess, i'd say you are thinking too much about it. Anyone can be consumed with the thought that at any given moment, any person in their life could leave, but most of us choose not to focus on that. I'd suggest trying to see the positive side of dating, as opposed to the negative. Any time you feel scared that someone might leave, ask yourself if this person is worth the risk. Most of the time, you'll find that they are. And if they aren't, then you didn't like them that much to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 Treat ghosting simply as someone breaking up with you. Happens all the time and is a potential outcome to any relationship. When done that way though, the person just lack b@lls.. Be glad they left because they aren't worth your time. Work on going into relationships from a place of wonder and excitement (of meeting someone new) rather than a place of fear where you are assuming you will be hurt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 Are you miserable, though, being single? Also, why the panic over ghosting? Listen. There's a fair amount of uncertainty in dating, even things you thought were "sure" may not be. The person you love could conceivably leave you at any time, but that doesn't mean that you should act like that's going to happen. Dating is also mostly rejection. Like 99% of the people you date are either going to reject you, or be rejected by you, it's inevitable and unavoidable. Yes, ghosting is unpleasant, but so are a lot of other things in life. What I've learned to do is to not get my hopes up so high when I first meet someone. I don't act disinterested by any means, but I also don't assume that the person I just met is going to be the person I spend the rest of my life with. That takes the pressure off our interactions, and leaves us both feeling like we can just enjoy getting to know one another. If it seems as if there's something more there, THEN I allow myself to get a bit more invested, but for me that takes a handful of dates before that happens. If a guy disappears after the first two or three, I think "big deal." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 You have to remember the purpose of dating. Dating isn't so that you can just grab onto the next person you find and never let go. The purpose is to find a person who is compatible with you and who wants the same things you do. If you are seeing someone and he/she disappears off the face of the earth, this is NOT a person you want to date anyway. So look at early dating as a job interview as much as checking for chemistry and attraction. Before you emotionally invest in someone, have those talks about what you are looking for, your pasts, what your feelings are about marriage, children, drugs, careers, beliefs, etc., so you can get a good idea of who someone is before you get all excited about them only to get your heart broken. Wade in slowly. Don't leap. That way, you protect your heart as much as possible. Still, dating always comes with risks. You can do everything right and still have the other person walk away after 6 months or a year. There are so many reasons someone might do this that have nothing to do with you. Remember that it is always a blessing when someone who isn't invested in you walks away. Even if it comes with lies and hurt. In the long term, it is a blessing. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 I'm bombarded with messages everyone about how I need to find someone or else I will be miserable etc etc from my friends and what notYour friends are stupid. Make a life that is great alone. Then when you add someone to it, it's even better - but when they disappear, that life is still great. People are fickle. They usually have a change of heart. The trick is to not be devastated by every breakup. Do as I say, not as I do. I tend to get overly invested in r/s's, then heartbroken. Working on that. Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 Remember that it is always a blessing when someone who isn't invested in you walks away. Even if it comes with lies and hurt. In the long term, it is a blessing. This is unrelated to the thread, but thank you! I really needed to hear this today. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cookiemonster26 Posted September 24, 2015 Author Share Posted September 24, 2015 Are you miserable, though, being single? Also, why the panic over ghosting? Listen. There's a fair amount of uncertainty in dating, even things you thought were "sure" may not be. The person you love could conceivably leave you at any time, but that doesn't mean that you should act like that's going to happen. Dating is also mostly rejection. Like 99% of the people you date are either going to reject you, or be rejected by you, it's inevitable and unavoidable. Yes, ghosting is unpleasant, but so are a lot of other things in life. What I've learned to do is to not get my hopes up so high when I first meet someone. I don't act disinterested by any means, but I also don't assume that the person I just met is going to be the person I spend the rest of my life with. That takes the pressure off our interactions, and leaves us both feeling like we can just enjoy getting to know one another. If it seems as if there's something more there, THEN I allow myself to get a bit more invested, but for me that takes a handful of dates before that happens. If a guy disappears after the first two or three, I think "big deal." I don't have a problem with being single I'm just in general a really anxious person and when people start telling me you need to settle down to be happy and time is running out at 25 I believe them and get anxious Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 I find it hard not to date out of a place of fear as I'm bombarded with messages everyone about how I need to find someone or else I will be miserable etc etc from my friends and what not This is just complete BS. You can be single and perfectly happy. Tell your friends to please support you and not put additional pressure on you. It's better to be single for a long time and hold out for the right one than to take whatever comes along and be stuck with a mediocre or bad relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 I don't have a problem with being single I'm just in general a really anxious person and when people start telling me you need to settle down to be happy and time is running out at 25 I believe them and get anxious So don't believe them. They are just fumbling through life doing the best they can, just like you and everyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 I'd say make sure your life is full and fun. If someone ghosts you, your life is still fulfilling and fun. They were just a piece of it. And it's there loss. Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 It's better to be single for a long time and hold out for the right one than to take whatever comes along and be stuck with a mediocre or bad relationship. Yes! I have, oh.. my last 6 relationships as proof! The right one doesn't have a chance if you're preoccupied by the wrong one! Be patient 2 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 I don't have a problem with being single I'm just in general a really anxious person and when people start telling me you need to settle down to be happy and time is running out at 25 I believe them and get anxious LOL, guuuurl, c'mon. I am 35 and still single. How's that for running out of time?! Maybe I'm falling through the rabbit hole in asking this, but WHY do others' opinion of your life trump your own? If you're happy being single at 25, what does it matter to anyone else? What do they know that you don't? Getting married is not some magical happiness recipe. People in GOOD marriages are typically happier, but people in BAD marriages are less happy than single people, and if you're dating with this kind of attitude, who knows what kind of awfulness you're going attract. There are steps you can take to curb your anxiety. Are you pursuing any of them? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 Yes! I have, oh.. my last 6 relationships as proof! The right one doesn't have a chance if you're preoccupied by the wrong one! Be patient Yes, be patient. But don't make life about WAITING at the same time. You aren't waiting for life to begin with someone else. You are living your life and enjoying it, knowing that someone will come into it when you are both ready to find each other. Remember the life you are leading now is what you are going to be giving to your future partner. The more travel, cooking, learning, fun, and laughter you put into your life now, the better partner you will be. So focusing on what you have now and making the most of it isn't only for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cookiemonster26 Posted September 24, 2015 Author Share Posted September 24, 2015 LOL, guuuurl, c'mon. I am 35 and still single. How's that for running out of time?! Maybe I'm falling through the rabbit hole in asking this, but WHY do others' opinion of your life trump your own? If you're happy being single at 25, what does it matter to anyone else? What do they know that you don't? Getting married is not some magical happiness recipe. People in GOOD marriages are typically happier, but people in BAD marriages are less happy than single people, and if you're dating with this kind of attitude, who knows what kind of awfulness you're going attract. There are steps you can take to curb your anxiety. Are you pursuing any of them? My anxiety is a whole other forum but yes I am Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 Would it help, cookiemonster, if you think of it as sending in your resume and never hearing back from that company? Don't know if that helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Anytime I start dating someone I really like and things are going well, I can't help but panic at the thought of being ghosted. It's happened to so many to my friends and myself I just feel like it's more common to be ghosted than to actually have something with someone. It gives me panic attacks. Any tips on how to deal with this fear Always remember this -- a woman needs to be happy with herself and her life. A man should only enhance/add to the happiness she already has, not bring it all to her. This is often part of the reason a man will leave or disappear. If he feels as though he is being relied upon for all of a woman's needs, it begins to feel like a lot of work. I'm not saying that they all disappear for that reason, but if a woman is over anxious/over eager, it comes across in ways she doesn't even realize. Manage your emotions and exoectations in every new dating scenario and simply accept the fact that dates are dates and that dating is a process, not an event. In my book, a dating partner doesn't owe you anything by virtue of simply having dated you. They call you or they don't. Even if it's 50 dates in. Until, there's a ring on your finger, they are not committed or obligated to do a thing. I'm not saying I think it's right to simply disappear, but if they do, they have shown you who they are and it's not a loss. You should still have the same happy, full life you had before they came along. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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