patentlyunique Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 (edited) I have been dating this woman (I'll call her G) for the last 8 months and we have been pretty serious, talking about moving in together, getting married, etc. I am separated from my wife and still in the process dealing with how we are going to move forward with the divorce. G is 40 and has never been married and likes to frequent certain restaurants with bars 3-4 times a week where she will stay until midnight and socialize and drink. She was friends with the owners of the restaurants (I met them as well) and I was sure that she was not fooling around. About 2 months ago, she started frequenting a new bar where her ex-boyfriend became bartender/manager and she says he gives her free food and drinks. She said she has no feelings for him. She started going to this particular bar 3-4 nights a week and staying until midnight or so (the bar/restaurant closes as 1am). At first it didn't bother me, but after about 4 weeks, I started to become uncomfortable with her going there and told her about my feelings. She said that nothing was going on continued to go. About 3 weeks ago, she went to this bar after working out. Before going she texted me that she was home and changing and meeting a girlfriend at the bar (who is notoriously late and frequently cancels plans). About 40 minutes later she texted me that she was at the bar waiting for her friend and made it a point to tell me that she was still in her "stinky" work out clothes (She typically won't even go to the gym without showering, fixing hair, putting on makeup and fresh clothes). I didn't hear from her the rest of the night and didn't want to bother her if she was out with her friend. (Since we have been dating, she has always texted me goodnight). When I asked her y she didn't text me, she told me she thought I was asleep (she knew I was out). I told her that she knew I was out and that I wasn't sleeping. She also said her friend did not show up (every time her friend did something like this, I would get a text from her complaining). I never received a text from her complaining. I asked her several times why she was going to the bar and she said for the food and drinks. I confronted her and told her that I feel that something happened during her time visiting this bar...I have asked her...but she has denied everything. We got into a fight and I broke up with her. After a few days, we got back together and now she is very loving and nice to me. However, the other night, after being out and having a few drinks, she mentioned to me that another reason she was going to the bar was that her friend was talking negative about me and our relationship and that she was feeling bad about where our relationship was because the divorce was not over. So not only did she act out of character, but she lied to me. In my gut I feel that something happened, but I can't prove it and she will not admit it. Am I out of line for feeling like this? Edited August 26, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
d0nnivain Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Feelings are what they are. They aren't right or wrong. She may not be handling her concerns about your marital status in the best way but imo her concerns are valid. It's tough to date somebody who is separated but not divorced because technically that person is still married to somebody else. You two are probably overdue for a long heart to heart about your individual fears. 3
Author patentlyunique Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 But does it seem like something happened?
Author patentlyunique Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 I have been honest with her the entire time. I have even suggested meeting the soon to be ex (as awkward as it would be) to make her feel comfortable that I was not lying to her. I have also tried to encourage open dialog and honesty....I do not get angry or dismissive and try to encourage talking. I am having a very hard time (and I have not been able to get around this feeling) dealing with this issue. I don't want to lose her, but I can't continue like this.
katiegrl Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I have been honest with her the entire time. I have even suggested meeting the soon to be ex (as awkward as it would be) to make her feel comfortable that I was not lying to her. I have also tried to encourage open dialog and honesty....I do not get angry or dismissive and try to encourage talking. I am having a very hard time (and I have not been able to get around this feeling) dealing with this issue. I don't want to lose her, but I can't continue like this. The only thing you can do is hurry up the divorce process. Honestly, you have no *territorial rights* while you are still married, albeit separated. You have been honest, and so has she. She is uncomfortable with you marital status, and rightfully so. You are focusing on the wrong thing. Her behavior here is not the issue, and shouldn't be. The issue is you are still married. Get divorced. Then you can commit to her and vice versa.... 1
d0nnivain Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I'm not suggesting you continue as you are. I'm recommending that you two talk to each other. . . an in-depth scary conversation about how you feel about her EX & her trips to the bar and how she feels about the fact that you are not divorced. You don't have to introduce her to your EX wife. You do need to both come clean about your respective fears & insecurities. When you shine a light on the "monsters" they will shrink. 2
Author patentlyunique Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 She hasn't been honest. And her behavior and I think her behavior is the issue. We have agreed to be committed to each other. I have done that. The divorce process takes as long as it takes. 1
Author patentlyunique Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 I thought we had talked about those "monsters" and I continue to try to talk about them. My problem now is that I cant seem to get over the feeling that she has 'stepped out' so to speak. Regardless of the fact that my divorce is not finalized, I have been faithful and truthful. I don't know how to get by this feeling that she "stepped out"
katiegrl Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 She hasn't been honest. And her behavior and I think her behavior is the issue. We have agreed to be committed to each other. I have done that. The divorce process takes as long as it takes. I am a little confused. She has always frequented these clubs, you were okay with that. But now you suspect what....she is cheating with her ex? Based on what evidence, other than your own insecurities, mixed in with some guilt re your marital/divorce status. Just talk to her. Heart to heart.
Satu Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 The run up to divorce phase is incredibly stressful for all concerned. I would bear that in mind. She answered your questions, so you either you decide to believe her or not. It sounds like you don't. Talk again and see if that changes.
d0nnivain Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Talk to her. You sitting there presuming that she "stepped out" which I presume is code for cheating, is making this worse as your imagination runs wild. If you don't want to talk to her you can either break up with her or you can let this feeling seethe until it destroys your relationship & you. 1
katiegrl Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Talk to her. You sitting there presuming that she "stepped out" which I presume is code for cheating, is making this worse as your imagination runs wild. If you don't want to talk to her you can either break up with her or you can let this feeling seethe until it destroys your relationship & you. Agree, and remember PU, your anxiety and insecuritues about this are YOUR issues, not hers. 1
Author patentlyunique Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 I understand....I have never had these issues before.....and I trusted her implicitly until that night. I never imagined that she would do something untrustworthy. This is what I find confusing. What happened that night was so out of character. 1
JADIE Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Frankly I couldn't be with someone who frequents bars 4 nights a week, whether the bartenders/owners were friends or not. Doesn't sound like that behavior is going to change no matter how much you object or whether you marry her or not. Why are you two not spending evenings together? Basically, you both have seeds of doubt planted in your minds...you just think your seed is bigger than hers. Stand in her shoes for a minute and see how it feels...she's probably highly suspicious about your divorce taking so long, just as you are highly suspicious about her behavior with the ex. Time for everyone to lay out their cards..if the trust is lacking on both sides, recommit with an agreed-upon plan of action, or throw in your hand and exit. 1
ChicagoSparty Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I don't know that diving into a serious relationship when you haven't even begun the divorce process is the wisest move...for either of you. There is a lot of dust that still hasn't settled. 1
La.Primavera Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 It's a tricky one. I can understand where you are coming from. It sounds like you have been pretty easy going about the situation and communicated how you felt in a reasonable manner so I can see why you are starting to feel a bit mistrustful of what she is up to. At the end of the day unless you get actual proof she is cheating, you aren't going to know for sure. What it comes down to is whether the trust is permanently broken, because if it is the relationship is doomed. She needs to be meeting you half way on this, not saying things like "she was feeling bad about where our relationship was because the divorce was not over" which sounds like something a cheater would use to justify their behavior. You need to find a compromise and improve the trust between you or just end it for good. You can't leave things as they are or they will only get worse. Good luck.
Qboro90 Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Why don't you go to the bar where her ex works on a night she tells you she's going and show up about an hour or 2 after you know she's there so you can really see what's going on and if there's any thing to be concerned over. Use the excuse "I finished up what I was doing early and wanted to see you, or My day tomorrow is pretty light so I though I'd come surprise you". If her ex is behind the bar or working then I doubt they're making out or getting into it with each other while she's there. If she texts or calls you when she leaves or is going to bed then you know she's not with him. If he works till close and she leaves at 12 then she's not with him. Her friend is also looking at you with a statistical view, meaning that you've still not officially divorced so there's a chance you're just striving her pal around.
Siquijor Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Put it this way. No girlfriend of mine would be going to bars on her own even once a week. Look for a classier type of woman is my advice.
Syirrus Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Your spider senses are tingling for reason. She may or may not of done anything. However, she did lie to you and for what? Normally people don't just lie about mundane things. Why lie about them? Anyway, I would log this as a red flag. It's up to you to push forward or not. If you do decide to mush on, just make it clear where you stand about infidelity. That way, you've quelled your suspicions about what happened in the past between you guys. Does that make sense? Syirrus
Author patentlyunique Posted August 26, 2015 Author Posted August 26, 2015 I appreciate the input. We have spoken about it briefly, but every time I try to get into a more in-depth discussion about the subject she gets defensive and argumentative and suggests that if there is no trust, we should end the relationship there.
Author patentlyunique Posted August 26, 2015 Author Posted August 26, 2015 I appreciate the input from everyone. We have spoken about it briefly, but every time I try to get into a more in-depth discussion about the subject she gets defensive and argumentative and suggests that if there is no trust, we should end the relationship there.
smackie9 Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Well sometimes they want to keep conversations private and even with the circumstances you should just back of and think about what she told you....you have things in your relationship she is struggling with not her friend. THAT is what you should be focused on.
katiegrl Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 I appreciate the input from everyone. We have spoken about it briefly, but every time I try to get into a more in-depth discussion about the subject she gets defensive and argumentative and suggests that if there is no trust, we should end the relationship there. I agree with her. Good luck.
d0nnivain Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 I appreciate the input from everyone. We have spoken about it briefly, but every time I try to get into a more in-depth discussion about the subject she gets defensive and argumentative and suggests that if there is no trust, we should end the relationship there. Without trust there is no relationship. But there isn't a relationship without communication either. Tell her that next time she gets defensive. About a year after we were married I got very jealous of one of DH's work colleagues. Although he was freaked out & hurt that I didn't trust him, he bit his tongue & talked through my fears / jealousy with me.
Author patentlyunique Posted August 31, 2015 Author Posted August 31, 2015 Okay .... so it has been about 3 weeks from the day that I thought my girlfriend cheated on me and she woke up with a sore (looks like a cold sore) on her labia. She is going to the doctor to have it checked out. Does anyone have an opinion as to whether this is suggestive of her cheating?
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