1Jessie86 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 I have a theory that either it's genetics or some people are just destined to be single for life. It actually runs in my family. It doesn't help that I am so unbelievable shy normally and especially around men that I'm attracted to, I absolutely hate dating and I suck at it. What are your thoughts? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mischa101 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 You do What you want. There is no destiny, but you have a choice. There is nothing wrong with being single for life if that's how you feel comfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Singleness can't run through your entire family, or else you wouldn't be here! Back in my church-going days (a long time ago), I remember a pastor saying that, if you want to get married, if you have a fear that you will not get married, then you probably will. Meaning, if you were "destined" for singleness, you probably wouldn't be bothered by it, you would embrace it; you wouldn't be on a dating forum asking wondering about it. Now, if you want to spend the rest of your life with a man, you're going to have to learn how to get over your anxiety around them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TunaInTheBrine Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 It's not so much that some people are 'destined' from the outside to be single for life, but I DO believe that some people will remain single for a variety of reasons that probably are a combination of their own personality and the expectations of the mainstream culture. The more that these two things are out of sync, the more difficulty (at least emotionally, if not outwardly) people tend to have in dating. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1Jessie86 Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 You do What you want. There is no destiny, but you have a choice. There is nothing wrong with being single for life if that's how you feel comfortable. Actually I think it's a problem. :/ Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Actually I think it's a problem. :/ Then if you think it's a problem, it's a problem. But that means you're going to have to make some changes in how you interact with men so that finding someone will be possible. Being terrified of men, or saying dating sucks and that you hate it—these are not attitudes that are conducive to meeting someone. I feel you; it's scary, and the work you might have to do won't be easy, but if you truly do want to be in a relationship, then they'll be worth it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mischa101 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Then if you think it's a problem, it's a problem. But that means you're going to have to make some changes in how you interact with men so that finding someone will be possible. Being terrified of men, or saying dating sucks and that you hate it—these are not attitudes that are conducive to meeting someone. I feel you; it's scary, and the work you might have to do won't be easy, but if you truly do want to be in a relationship, then they'll be worth it. What do you mean by work? Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 What do you mean by work? Well, if OP is, in her words, "unbelievable shy normally and especially around men that I'm attracted to," and that, "I absolutely hate dating and I suck at it," then she's not going to do very well finding a partner, right? Not with that kind of outlook, she's practically sidelined herself before the game has started. If I'm reading her correctly, she DOES NOT want to be single. She's asking if it's inevitable for some people, because she doesn't want to end up that way, and (I think) she's asking for reassurance that she's not "destined" for singleness. OP if I have that wrong, please tell me. The work I'm suggesting is internal. Figure out what's at the root of her shyness around men, why she feel she can't open up around them, why she feels such disdain for dating or why she feels as if she's so bad at it. That's one part. Another part is trying to BECOME more comfortable around men. That will require her to actually do what is UN-comfortable and go out with them. I'm not suggesting she change her personality. Shy people will always probably be somewhat shy, but her apprehension around men is a problem, and that will only go away when she becomes more comfortable around them. That comfort won't come in vacuum, she needs to practice. Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 It's not so much that some people are 'destined' from the outside to be single for life, but I DO believe that some people will remain single for a variety of reasons that probably are a combination of their own personality and the expectations of the mainstream culture. The more that these two things are out of sync, the more difficulty (at least emotionally, if not outwardly) people tend to have in dating. Brilliance, the above post is that. Huge respect from me for typing the bold part. Regrettably for me and others you appear to be bang on the mark with the above, the more one doesn't conform the more difficult it is, add in a personality which is out of synch and you face near impossibility as I have found. Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Well, if OP is, in her words, "unbelievable shy normally and especially around men that I'm attracted to," and that, "I absolutely hate dating and I suck at it," then she's not going to do very well finding a partner, right? Not with that kind of outlook, she's practically sidelined herself before the game has started. If I'm reading her correctly, she DOES NOT want to be single. She's asking if it's inevitable for some people, because she doesn't want to end up that way, and (I think) she's asking for reassurance that she's not "destined" for singleness. OP if I have that wrong, please tell me. The work I'm suggesting is internal. Figure out what's at the root of her shyness around men, why she feel she can't open up around them, why she feels such disdain for dating or why she feels as if she's so bad at it. That's one part. Another part is trying to BECOME more comfortable around men. That will require her to actually do what is UN-comfortable and go out with them. I'm not suggesting she change her personality. Shy people will always probably be somewhat shy, but her apprehension around men is a problem, and that will only go away when she becomes more comfortable around them. That comfort won't come in vacuum, she needs to practice. That's easy to determine, how good one is at something is measure by ones results. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 1Jesse86 Your theory is an excuse. You want it to be "destiny's" fault you don't have a date or relationships. It's not. It's yours because you aren't taking any steps to change it. Shyness can be overcome. Newsflash: many people are shy. They learned to overcome it. Take a Dale Carnegie class if you have the money. Join ToastMasters which is really about public speaking but the skills translate. Just practice smiling & saying Hi to a new person every day. One of my BFFs used to lament that she never met anybody but she also stayed in all the time. I constantly reminded her that there were no single men in her parents' house on Friday nights & she had to get out there. She eventually joined a ski club that had social activities besides skiing. A female friend from there took her to a singles' dance & there she met the man who has been her husband for the last 15 years. They have 2 beautiful daughters. You control your own destiny so what are you going to do besides post here? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 I think its a choice. I know that if I brush my hair, slap on a bit of mascara and some half decent clothes, stand up straight and smile that men will look. I know that if I put on certain clothes and remove all make up, scrag my hair into a bun and pull the hood on my jumper up over my head that I will not be noticed by anyone. How I project myself is my choice. I either make myself open to opportunity or I close it down. You have that choice too. You can choose to let your shyness hide you away or you can choose to do something about it. Being single can't "run in your family". If it did you wouldn't have family... Contrary to popular belief we are not all immaculate conceptions and people do have to meet, get on with each other and have sex to reproduce... In answer to your question are some "destined to be alone" - if that is their choice then yes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 I think its a choice. I know that if I brush my hair, slap on a bit of mascara and some half decent clothes, stand up straight and smile that men will look. I know that if I put on certain clothes and remove all make up, scrag my hair into a bun and pull the hood on my jumper up over my head that I will not be noticed by anyone. How I project myself is my choice. I either make myself open to opportunity or I close it down. You have that choice too. You can choose to let your shyness hide you away or you can choose to do something about it. Being single can't "run in your family". If it did you wouldn't have family... Contrary to popular belief we are not all immaculate conceptions and people do have to meet, get on with each other and have sex to reproduce... In answer to your question are some "destined to be alone" - if that is their choice then yes. Really good post and there is much good advice to be had from it. If I were the OP I would read this carefully and make some decisions based upon it. If the OP is anything like me, its far easier to close opportunities than it is to make them. You decide what you are prepared to venture and then decide if the potential reward is worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 What everyone seems to forget is that like most things in life, you have zero control over when you get into a relationship. Yes, you can do the online dating thing, wear nice clothes, wear make-up, be more social, etc.,. but that does not in any way guarantee that you will 1) meet someone to date or 2) control that person's interest in dating you. So, does it matter if the OP takes the steps suggested to put herself out there so she will lessen her odds of being single? Not really. Whether the OP makes an effort or not to find men to date, there is no guarantee any of it will work. I'm not saying the OP shouldn't put herself out there. Even if you do, that doesn't mean it will work. If the OP is sick of being single I can recommend a good book, Jennifer Johnson Is Sick of Being Single. Here's a description of the book. A wicked comedy about the perils of making your dreams come true Quirky, clever, cubicle-bound Jennifer Johnson is desperate. Everyone around her is getting married, while she's still single and stuck writing ad copy about men's dress socks. Her life hits crisis level, launching her into a humiliating and painfully hilarious quest to find Prince Charming at any cost. This includes agonizing online dates, diet-clinic cults, drag-queen fights, and a debilitating addiction to Cinnabon icing. When she meets handsome, wealthy Brad Keller, she wonders if he's the answer to all her dreams, or is he just too good to be true? Darkly funny and outrageously honest, McElhatton's wit shines in this no-holds-barred cautionary tale about getting what you want—and how it can be the worst thing for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 What everyone seems to forget is that like most things in life, you have zero control over when you get into a relationship. Yes, you can do the online dating thing, wear nice clothes, wear make-up, be more social, etc.,. but that does not in any way guarantee that you will 1) meet someone to date or 2) control that person's interest in dating you. So, does it matter if the OP takes the steps suggested to put herself out there so she will lessen her odds of being single? Not really. Whether the OP makes an effort or not to find men to date, there is no guarantee any of it will work. I'm not saying the OP shouldn't put herself out there. Even if you do, that doesn't mean it will work. If the OP is sick of being single I can recommend a good book, Jennifer Johnson Is Sick of Being Single. Here's a description of the book. Finally a realist amongst the romantics. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Finally a realist amongst the romantics. Ha-ha! Realist or party pooper? I guess it depends on a person's perspective. I just don't see the point of it all. I think it's just life -- you either meet someone to date/fall in love with/marry, or you don't. Silly humans think we have control over when/how/if that happens and we really don't. I think being single is a state of being and not actually a choice. Even the people who claim that 'being single' is a choice, aren't being honest with themselves. You're single because that's what you are. Until you're not single anymore. I don't know. It just seems pointless to me, to debate how to become 'un-single' because I don't see anything wrong with being single. Being single is not the same as catching the plague from a squirrel or chipmunk when you go camping in Yellowstone. No one wants to catch the plague from a cute little squirrel or chipmunk and if they do, there's a cure for it. But why do single people need to be cured? Is singlehood a disease? Is being in a relationship actually a cure to loneliness? Because I think people equate being single with being lonely. And I think that's overthinking it. Don't you think? Hmm. You can still meet people and have all the casual sex via FWB or ONS that you want without ever committing to one person while you're single. I mean, what exactly does being in a relationship or being married provide when you can still get companionship that you want or need from people willing to provide it to you? Am I sick of being single? Sometimes. But do I see it as a curse? Nah. It's just the way things are. Life goes on. Pfft. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 WG, I agree with you—we can try and try, but whether people find us attractive or want a relationship, that's largely out of our control. But I think the key here is TRY. OP didn't elaborate, so who knows what her situation is—do men approach her? Is it just shyness getting in the way? Why does she think dating is so awful, and does she think she sucks at it because she's had a couple of bad experiences and wants to throw in the towel? To say, "I suck at dating" is a really good way to keep yourself from doing something you don't want to do. A more accurate statement could be, "dating makes me uncomfortable, I feel awkward doing it, so that must mean I'm not good at it because I'm having all these negative feelings." Again, that's not true across the board (don't anyone accuse me of generalizing), and we don't know if it's true in OP's case, but I'm offering it up as a possible scenario. I know people like this—one of my roommates is like this—she cries and moans about how awful and tiring dating is, but she doesn't go out! Yes, she's on dating sites, and men approach her all the time, but she nitpicks every single one; she says, "he has this wrong with him or that wrong with him." But part of it is because she's afraid to do it, she's afraid to open herself up to someone. It's easier to bag on the process and avoid it than it is to sit in the uncomfortableness. Regardless of why OP is in the situation she's in, she won't get over her shyness in a vacuum. It's not like she's going to cure her shyness and THEN date. She will get over her shyness BY dating. I also think there are plenty of benefits to being single, and have known many women in my life how have not pursued relationships and marriage, and they seem to be very happy. I don't think romantic relationships are a cure for loneliness, but the pursuit of them or the desire to have one isn't a bad thing, either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Destiny is just this external "force" that people want to blame things on. Just like the "universe" or in the "stars". It's all just things made up by people to make themselves feel better for a lack of something. Link to post Share on other sites
40 Fonzarelli Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 There are no guarantees in life. Even if you put yourself out there. But you will INCREASE your chances by going out instead of staying in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 I have a theory that either it's genetics or some people are just destined to be single for life. It actually runs in my family. It doesn't help that I am so unbelievable shy normally and especially around men that I'm attracted to, I absolutely hate dating and I suck at it. What are your thoughts? I've come to the conclusion that that is my life's explanation. I had an aunt who died unmarried and a lot of my female cousins are unmarried. I wouldn't mind being married, but I've just discovered something about myself: I have been so used to living by myself that I don't know if I want to share a dwelling with anyone else--other than my daughter. I'm used to her; heck we even shared my body at one time, LOL. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 A lot of it depends upon where you live, how old you are, what your liabilities are, what your assets are, how you look; yet still, finding someone compatible can be elusive. Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 I want to believe if Zach Roloff can get a girlfriend(who's now his wife), then it can happen for me too Link to post Share on other sites
TunaInTheBrine Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Brilliance, the above post is that. Huge respect from me for typing the bold part. Regrettably for me and others you appear to be bang on the mark with the above, the more one doesn't conform the more difficult it is, add in a personality which is out of synch and you face near impossibility as I have found. Yeah, I think it's all the more frustrating when you have a whole culture telling you how 'wrong' your way of being in the world is and that it can be 'fixed'. Anyone I know who is both unique and uninterested in being a sheep of the masses finds these sort of comments unhelpful. My advice is to consider how much negotiating you are willing to do around your identity. Be flexible and take risks in the areas that you can, and hold true to your values where it counts. You want someone to love you for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 If they have a warped perspective, sabatage themselfs, and never develop the most basic of social skills...then yes some might be forever alone. It's a reality they created for themself, not fate not written in the stars. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 If somebody like me can manage to get married twice then I guess anybody could if they wanted to. Link to post Share on other sites
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